Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

I feel a bi bad for generating paranoia and fully understand that my personal experience is making me a bit biased here. But as I said, often that these things exist doesn't occur to us until it becomes relevant, so a little foreknowledge may be helpful and help with planning.

I agree with you @Miasicarisatia in your last post too. I can get behind being responsible and thinking long term, but there must be better ways than currently exist to protect the vulnerable and ensure a fair system available to all etc.

I know for a lot of poster's in their 30's and early 40's ....65 may seem old, but believe me it really isn't.

Absolutely! My DF is 68 and working full time as a builder still, as are most of his contemporaries!

MIL is mid 80s and up till covid was taking several foreign holidays a year. She got an ear infection last year, got delerium and and we've just discovered it's kick started alzheimers somehow. She now needs sheltered accommodation and carers 4 times a day.

It's terrifying how fast health can decline.

How patronising to say that some posters in their thirties and forties might think mid sixties is old. I think everyone over eighteen knows it isn't.

Yes... I'm 36 and my parents are 64 and 66. My dad plays golf 4 times a week and is fitter than I am. Mum has some ailments but she's had them since she was my age.

I agree, I'm 36 and don't think it's old. My 'absolutely' was to 'its not old' not 'some people in their 30s'

Sorry, should have been clearer!

@SunshineCake

How patronising to say that some posters in their thirties and forties might think mid sixties is old. I think everyone over eighteen knows it isn't.

You clearly haven't read many threads on here!

Ageism is rife and any of us over 60 are usually spoken to as though we are in our dotage.

@WeatherwaxLives

I know for a lot of poster's in their 30's and early 40's ....65 may seem old, but believe me it really isn't.

Absolutely! My DF is 68 and working full time as a builder still, as are most of his contemporaries!

MIL is mid 80s and up till covid was taking several foreign holidays a year. She got an ear infection last year, got delerium and and we've just discovered it's kick started alzheimers somehow. She now needs sheltered accommodation and carers 4 times a day.

It's terrifying how fast health can decline.

Absolutely this - health can decline at a frightening rate. My MIL was a pretty active 77 year old, attended and taught U3A classes, active social life, etc and then one day had a fall down some stairs (she was trying to carry an armful of stuff to her car) that resulted in a hospital stay for 3 weeks (she initially just took herself home, the first we knew of it was when she called us from hospital 2 days later to say she’d decided to go and get checked out and they admitted her with a broken collar bone, several broken ribs and cracked vertebrae).

She was never the same afterwards, she became more unsteady and had several further falls over the next year and her mental awareness was noticeably in decline. We had to move her out of her house into a flat at very short notice (after yet another fall) because she couldn’t be trusted with stairs.

In the end we had to move her to an assisted living complex so that we knew she had someone keeping an eye on her in a daily basis - we lived too far away to be able to see her daily, plus jobs and small children. She died in her sleep 3 days after she moved in, 2.5 years after that first fall.

OP, apologies, I accidentally clicked on YABU with my fat fingers!

YADNBU, as hopefully my earlier posts indicate. Good luck speaking to FIL.

As you were.

@ICouldHaveCheckedFirst

OP, apologies, I accidentally clicked on YABU with my fat fingers!

YADNBU, as hopefully my earlier posts indicate. Good luck speaking to FIL.

As you were.

Just click on yanbu. It moves your vote...

@DoubleTweenQueen

'indefinite lifespan' - does that mean it hasn't been monitored? Of course it hasn't - not over 20-30 yes before they are put on the market! I bet there is no guarantee or warranty on lifespan, beyond 12 months! The statement is totally meant ngless, but of course portrays a positive unquestionable longevity that has zero legal standing.

"Indefinite Lifespan" *

• • Subject to regular maintenance schedule including full replacement of certain parts of the lodge e.g. roof, siding, trim.

My car has an indefinite lifespan if I throw enough money at it year on year.

Lol

It's like Trigger's broom from Only Fools. 14 new handles and 17 new heads but it's been going strong for 20 years!

What if the real plan is.. the SIL takes the £90k then there's a 'fall out' engineered and she decides she doesn't want a cabin in the garden of the bigger house she's bought and doesn't really want your FIL to relocate at all and he's left with not enough money to buy something smaller near you as he's given half his assets away. Does he get on with his son in law? Will they both be willing to look after him in his failing health/later years in his log cabin because he's not ill enough to need to go into care. Can he not see how the unfairness of the division of his assets will cause ill feeling with his son!

No he doesn’t get on with his son in law

He isn’t a son in law, they aren’t married.

I can't understand why the grandfather would want to live near to a bloke who didn't like him and a daughter who has only bothered to see him once a year and grandchildren he hasn't build up a relationship with. To move away from a family who care for him and where he has a close relationship with his grandchildren just to be by the seaside.

He's looking at a lonely old age shut in his cabin as the partner could say he doesn't want him using the shared garden at the same as them. How do you tell your children he has chosen an imaginary future relationship with other children over them when they are close now. He needs to be reminded how horrible this man has been to him and his wife , when she was alive, and how heartbroken she would be that half her former assets had been divided so unfairly. He is not only depriving his son of a fair share but also his son's children as the other grandchildren will inherit everything.

I have have 2 adult daughters; there's no way I couldn't leave them anything but equal shares. If he continues with this nonsense, I would wash your hands of him, sadly, and tell him to move straight away to Skegness once his house sale has completed and then rent. Too bad if it uses up more of his assets; he can take the costs out of his daughter's share.

Did you chat to FIL today OP?

At least you tried. The concerns have been presented and he has actively decided to ignore them. I think it's good you declined the £25k so you can honestly say that you've been out of it in case this whole thing blows up. There is something very iffy going on.

And what happens if SIL and her DP ever split up? As they are not married, this could turn what is already a shtshow into a disaster. Her name better be on the deeds (another point to look into!) but even that still doesn’t protect FIL.

I agree with quizqueen s post above. He is ensuring that one set of grandchildren do better financially than the other set, as well as one child over the other. Why would a loving parent do this ? I also have two children, and I could never give one more than the other because I love them both, and I also want them to have a close and loving relationship.
He knows that his dd’s partner is a horrible man who was really rude to your Mil when she was alive, and has never made any effort to be friendly, WHY on earth would he move into his garden ? With nowhere else to go if he hates it, or they decide they don’t want him there.
Is he worried about his dd ? Does he want to protect her ? Is she actually leaving her partner ? Because this makes no sense .

Or it could be seen that he's trying to equal things up between his children/grandchildren, if op and her dh are already better established. They already have an extra playroom/office. He might be trying to give more to his other gc in terms of housing and a better relationship with them, just like he already has with the op's children, which he presumably sees as continuing even if he's in skegness. He knows ops family will made the effort.

Not right but another way of looking at it.

Can you phone the planning dept at skegness (probably all working from home but accessible by phone) with the postcode of DSis' house and description of cabin. See what they say. It could be a no, not no to a cabin but no to a cabin with water, electricity sewage which is not an eg garden office but a home.

It seems that he is all over the place and the equity has kind of gone to his head. I bet him and your late MIL worked all their lives for that and he could have a full long life. He could give SIL some money to have a leg up if he wants but then the sensible thing would be to buy a small place wherever he fancies living and he needs to keep his cash for his potentially long retirement. If he divides it all up now he is not thinking of future holidays, cars etc. If he has nothing left at the end of his life but has lived the next 30 years in the comfort he worked for then so be it.
Of course he needs legal advice, we all know that.

Morning all,

Yes I did speak to FIL last night. I asked him why all this had been done in secrecy and he said it’s because he thought DH would be upset that he was leaving us and our children to go and be with his daughter and her family despite them not really having had an active part in his life (FIL’s words). I asked him if he had truly thought about what he was giving up by moving away and he said he needed to show SIL that she mattered to him too. I asked if she had said something to imply that wasn’t the case, he said no but he didn’t look like he was being truthful.

I’m guessing she has manipulated him into going down there with a little bit of emotional blackmail thrown in. I truly do understand his wish to go and be part of his daughters life and get to know his grandchildren, but I’m not sure it’s going to be the happily ever after he seems to thinks he will be getting.