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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands families visits

124 replies

Elephantgiraffe · 23/03/2021 21:32

We live about 2 hours away from my mother in law and she visits us EVERY weekend. Comes on a Friday or Saturday and leaves on a Sunday late afternoon. Her parents live close to us, so she visits them as well (although she never visited them every weekend before we moved there). I love my mother in law. She’s wonderful and kind and really do love her. We make extra effort to see her, cos she lives by herself as husbands dad died. But she has been living by herself for 15 years or so. She also has other children/grandchildren very local to her.
But the having her every weekend is getting to me. I feel like I just want family time with my little family. And the kids are now at school, so weekends feel really precious. And I feel like I can’t relax or slob out completely, as I would when it’s just us.
If we ever say to her, we are busy, she comes anyway. There have been 3 occasions In the last 4 years, when we’ve said we are busy, friends are visiting, and she has said that’s ok, I’ll just pop in and say hello, cos I’ll come see mum and dad... and then she’s just stayed and chatted all evening to our friends and completely intruded on a night.
How often do you see parents /in-laws? Am I being really horrible?
To add to this, she has given us the house we’re living in (we’ve taken on the remaining sizeable Mortgage) so this sounds extra awful I know !😩

OP posts:
BonnieDundee · 23/03/2021 21:38

You need to move into your own place and fund it yourself

Justmuddlingalong · 23/03/2021 21:41

So she didn't give you the house, she transferred the mortgage? But she thinks she gave you it and is treating you as such. What does your DH say about her weekend visits, does he agree it's too much?

LittleOwl153 · 23/03/2021 21:41

How long has this been going on. It would be an absolute no from me - right from the first time. A couple of hours on a weekday evening was enough for me - no way would I want someone else in my house every weekend or even most of them!

Mindymomo · 23/03/2021 21:42

She really should only be in a bubble with one other family, so either your family or her parents.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2021 21:46

Oh no, I couldn't handle that whatsoever. No.no.no. No idea how to stop it, but just no.

Original poster
Elephantgiraffe · 23/03/2021 21:47

My dh agrees but he’s always said he thinks we see his family too much and if it wasn’t for me and the kids he’d see them once a year 🤣 despite that it’s his mum and I’m wondering if he’s hurt deep down I’ve said that.
Little owl it’s been like this from day 1 of moving down here, into this house.
Mindymomo since COVID she just sees her parents from outside their window

OP posts:
HTH1 · 23/03/2021 21:53

If a word from DH to explain you need alone time doesn’t do the trick, moving to a different area which is not so easily combinable with the grandparents may work. I personally prefer to keep a few hundred miles (and some sea) between our and the in-laws’ houses.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/03/2021 21:54

Give him a time limit to deal with it. This can't go on indefinitely, but it will if he doesn't address it.

RandomMess · 23/03/2021 21:54

She's still treating it like it's her house... move?

DH says "no" twice a month at most?

longwayoff · 23/03/2021 22:37

Stick kids in car and go out. Stay out for a few hours. Repeat till she gets the message. Although, I bet she's got a bloody key. Has she? Change locks.

billy1966 · 23/03/2021 22:54

Selfish and intrusive.

She's not that nice.

You are too tolerant.

No gift would be worth such disrespect for your privacy.
Flowers

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 23/03/2021 23:15

Nope couldn't be living with that. You really need to talk to her though if you want it to stop. There are things you can do if you don't want to say "Stop coming MIL" like going out when you say you're busy and not coming back until shes gone (would she just let herself in?) or turning the spare room into a playroom, only have a sofa bed to discourage her wanting to stay, invite your mum and dad to stay one weekend so theres no room.... Saying "Well now the children are older we'll be doing our own thing more so we'd like it if you didn't come every weekend MIL we know you'll understand we need some time as a family." would be more adult and is totally fair because she's asking for more than she should.

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2021 23:26

Do what @LifesNotEnidBlyton says. Tell her you want time without her in whatever diplomatic fashion you can. If she turns up anyway, pack the kids into the car, repeat that you told her you wanted time with just the kids this weekend and go.

If she has a key, take it off her. You need to be a little bit harsh. You’re paying the mortgage, it’s your house, not hers. Her behaviour would drive me to tears. So unfair of her.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 23/03/2021 23:29

Move to the UK - lockdown would prevent her from visiting

Cherrysoup · 24/03/2021 07:03

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay you’re kidding, right? Because everyone in the U.K. abides by the rules, right? My cousin phoned yesterday from my mum’s house. In the background, I could hear her dc, then she put HER mum on the phone to me! This has been the way of it since the start of lockdown.

user1493413286 · 24/03/2021 07:06

Christ that’s too much! You’re never getting time as a family! I would say once a month is enough when it’s a full weekend but I’d try and reduce down to each fortnight for now. I think your DH is going to have to be honest and risk hurting her feelings.

Silvetmoon · 24/03/2021 07:09

Dear god. That’s all I can say!

HelloDulling · 24/03/2021 07:10

Who actually owns the house? Are you paying her mortgage, or did you buy it from her, taking on your own mortgage?

Toscaitalia · 24/03/2021 07:11

Could you pull it back to one night stay? Coming on a Friday and leaving Saturday or coming Saturday and leaving Sunday. I'm just thinking if you have children it might be something for them. My grandfather used to come and stay with us every Friday night and leave on the Saturday. I look back on those times as really happy ones and I'm so glad I got to spend that time with him. Some might still say that's too much but I know I'm just so glad I had that time with him as a child.

siestalady · 24/03/2021 07:11

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

Move to the UK - lockdown would prevent her from visiting
OP has clearly stated they're a support bubble for the MIL which is totally allowed and legal because she (MIL) lives on her own.
notanothertakeaway · 24/03/2021 07:16

[quote Cherrysoup]@EveryDayIsADuvetDay you’re kidding, right? Because everyone in the U.K. abides by the rules, right? My cousin phoned yesterday from my mum’s house. In the background, I could hear her dc, then she put HER mum on the phone to me! This has been the way of it since the start of lockdown.[/quote]
Some people have breached the rules. Many haven't. But that's not the point of this thread

OP, you need to be firm and direct. Perhaps best if it comes from DH

If she's using your house as a base from which to see her parents, that's understandable she visits more than a typical MIL, but every weekend is a lot

Cattitudes · 24/03/2021 07:21

Can you start some weekend activities for the dc so it is less convenient- oh it is Johnny's cricket day today so we will be out 9-5, or even better she takes Johnny to cricket. If you have friends over then free babysitting for you. It is part of her routine now so it will be hard to break the habit I think. You shouldn't feel that you have to always accommodate her. How old are the dc? Maybe a few weekends decorating the spare room, your room etc across the year too.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/03/2021 07:21

Once mortgage is paid off who will own the house?

MinnieMountain · 24/03/2021 07:22

MIL is single by choice. She comes over for lunch every Sunday from 11-5ish. She’s 15 minutes walk away.

It’s mainly a support bubble thing. Normally we’d spend a day with her every 2-3 weeks.

Your DH really needs to have a word. She can’t be that lovely if she steamrollers over your clear wishes.

Elouera · 24/03/2021 07:25

Is she also staying overnight in your home on the weekend too? So extra washing, cleaning etc. FAR too much. I cannot believe this has gone on for so long. This needs a firm approach from both DH and you.

We've just moved to be closer to my in-laws! His dad visits monthly and his mum maybe every fortnight. Both come to the garden and not inside the house. They will also call beforehand to check its ok to come around.