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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands families visits

124 replies

Elephantgiraffe · 23/03/2021 21:32

We live about 2 hours away from my mother in law and she visits us EVERY weekend. Comes on a Friday or Saturday and leaves on a Sunday late afternoon. Her parents live close to us, so she visits them as well (although she never visited them every weekend before we moved there). I love my mother in law. She’s wonderful and kind and really do love her. We make extra effort to see her, cos she lives by herself as husbands dad died. But she has been living by herself for 15 years or so. She also has other children/grandchildren very local to her.
But the having her every weekend is getting to me. I feel like I just want family time with my little family. And the kids are now at school, so weekends feel really precious. And I feel like I can’t relax or slob out completely, as I would when it’s just us.
If we ever say to her, we are busy, she comes anyway. There have been 3 occasions In the last 4 years, when we’ve said we are busy, friends are visiting, and she has said that’s ok, I’ll just pop in and say hello, cos I’ll come see mum and dad... and then she’s just stayed and chatted all evening to our friends and completely intruded on a night.
How often do you see parents /in-laws? Am I being really horrible?
To add to this, she has given us the house we’re living in (we’ve taken on the remaining sizeable Mortgage) so this sounds extra awful I know !😩

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 24/03/2021 07:27

Does she have any legal ownership of the house, and was the gift given on the understanding that she could visit whenever?

Assuming not, you're going to just have to be honest about this. Decide with your DH what you want - a visit every second or third weekend maybe? And then tell her that, politely and kindly, but clearly. Say you love having her visit but it's too much now the kids are in school, that you need to balance time with her and downtime as a family of 4 (or whatever your family size is).

Saltyslug · 24/03/2021 07:28

Start booking other people into the spare bedroom alternate weekends?

Saltyslug · 24/03/2021 07:29

I would also suggest your family staying away alternate weekends

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 24/03/2021 07:31

Would it be better if she moved down near you to be near her parents? Then she could see them without staying with you.

Abd also then might travel back at weekends to stay with her other grandkids

Sceptre86 · 24/03/2021 07:35

She given you a house, you pay the mortgage but I am assuming she has gifted you a deposit? If that is the case then yabu not to have expected greater involvement in the house than you like or want. Your dh should be up front with her. In normal times we see my mil every Saturday afternoon, either she comes to ours or we go to hers. When things open up again if your mil were to come over at the weekend, you should crack on with whatever you need to do, so kids clubs , out for lunch, pj day, cleaning the house or just whatever you had planned to do. The biggest mistake would be to alter your plans or behaviour to suit someone who is imposing on you.

Magnificentmug12 · 24/03/2021 07:44

If your paying her mortgage on her house that she will eventually give you then that’s the price you pay, having her stay every weekend, for not being able to stand on your own two feet independently. You can’t have your cake and eat it.....apparently, that’s frowned upon

LannieDuck · 24/03/2021 07:56

Just tell her - you're happy to see her every other weekend, but you need time to do other things with the kids.

And take your DH at his word - if he's joking that he'd only see his Mum infrequently if not for you and the kids.... tell him that's what you want too, and how will he do it? He's obviously talking out of his arse, but I don't like that he's pretending this is your fault - he needs to acknowledge that his mum is overstepping.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/03/2021 08:01

She still thinks of it as her house. I wouldn't cope with this happening once a month never mind every weekend.

I'd be selling the house and buying a new one ASAP.

Tinydinosaur · 24/03/2021 08:02

Change the spare room into something else. Play room, office, games room, cinema room.

Bluesheep8 · 24/03/2021 08:03

OP has clearly stated they're a support bubble for the MIL which is totally allowed and legal because she (MIL) lives on her own.

But she can't see anyone else if she's in a bubble with op. Only one bubble is allowed. If she's seeing her parents then that's her bubble.

maddening · 24/03/2021 08:03

I would suggest you need.ro.tell.her.that you need just family time so can she cut down to 2 weekend. And then one of the 2 visiting weekends dh can take the kids to visit her.

Nanalisa60 · 24/03/2021 08:20

I’m confused how did she come to your every weekend in the first lockdown!,

HelloDulling · 24/03/2021 08:25

@Bluesheep8

OP has clearly stated they're a support bubble for the MIL which is totally allowed and legal because she (MIL) lives on her own.

But she can't see anyone else if she's in a bubble with op. Only one bubble is allowed. If she's seeing her parents then that's her bubble.

She’s seeing them through the window.

MindyStClaire · 24/03/2021 08:52

OP hasn't actually said anything that means covid rules have been broken, but yes, absolutely focus on that rather than anything that might actually be helpful to her. Glad some posters area really getting to the heart of the matter as ever.

Sugarandteaandmum · 24/03/2021 09:18

There's sort of a correlation @MindyStClaire. If someone posts about a rude person with no boundaries, it's relevant if they are also breaking the covid rules as it gives more of a sense of what is important to them. and if the OP also doesn't mention it, as a thing they are factoring in at the moment, that tells me about the OP too.

Shoxfordian · 24/03/2021 09:21

Your dh needs to tell her to come less often. If you have other plans and she says she’ll just pop in, then say no

Start enforcing some boundaries

MindyStClaire · 24/03/2021 09:29

@Sugarandteaandmum

There's sort of a correlation *@MindyStClaire*. If someone posts about a rude person with no boundaries, it's relevant if they are also breaking the covid rules as it gives more of a sense of what is important to them. and if the OP also doesn't mention it, as a thing they are factoring in at the moment, that tells me about the OP too.

It doesn't tell us anything. MIL's visits are allowed as they've clearly formed a bubble. Lockdown is easing anyway, the time to use covid as an excuse was literally a year ago.

Woodlandbelle · 24/03/2021 09:38

I think selling the house is the only option. This should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. Every single Saturday night you have to sit up with your MIL. Every Sunday morning breakfast MIL is there. Friday night chill out. Mil is there. She is rude rude rude.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/03/2021 09:39

All because someone is in a support bubble doesn't mean they should come and stay every weekend. Being in a support bubble doesn't mean you don't spread the virus. Contact should still be limited where possible

ClearMountain · 24/03/2021 09:41

YABU because what she’s doing is illegal. If she’s your bubble she shouldn’t be seeing her parents.

MindyStClaire · 24/03/2021 09:45

@ClearMountain

YABU because what she’s doing is illegal. If she’s your bubble she shouldn’t be seeing her parents.

She isn't. She's seeing them through the window. As OP has clearly stated.

Bluesheep8 · 24/03/2021 09:47

Start booking other people into the spare bedroom alternate weekends?

Surely that's illegal?

Original poster

Elephantgiraffe · 24/03/2021 09:47

Yes nearly every weekend for the last few years. The only times she hasn’t has been, is if she’s busy/seeing friends. I’ve said to husband in the past, imagine if we just show up and interrupt her time with her friends, to show her. But we can’t do that cos you can’t just show up when someone says they’re busy. So I know I’ve got an answer there, to whether her behavior is inappropriate. If we say we are out, she just stays at her mum and dads till we’re back.
Yes she’s given us the house it’s been signed over to my husband ,a couple of years after we moved in. The mortgage amount is still the same as when she bought it, but we obviously haven’t had to put down a deposit and we probably wouldn’t have been able to afford to buy a house ourselves for a long time.
Two kids 6 and 9 and all settled at school/ husbands job/my part time job... so moving seems like an impossible choice at the moment. But I think we may have to do this at some point, cos the situation is stressing me out. It will also feel like we’ve just taken the house and buggered off though. I don’t want to make her sad or be horrible so I feel we will never be honest with her about it. I feel like she should just know? She must remember when she had her kids and was herself in a young family. That it must be too much to visit like this all the time.

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 24/03/2021 09:54

Oof. If you're in the old family home that's very awkward OP. Of course if you legally own it and pay the mortgage she has no rights, but it may well be that in her head it was clear that this was a quid pro quo arrangement - you get a nicer house than you could otherwise afford, she gets somewhere to visit her parents and the chance to stay with you. I think your DH will need to have a very gentle chat with her. MN tends to advocate all guns blazing, going no contact etc but please don't rush to that here, it all sounds very messy. I suspect wires were completely crossed years ago when the house was exchanged and she has no idea that you don't see things in the same way as her. She probably thinks it's brilliant - she's helped you out, you're happy for her to stay, what a lovely close family you are. I completely understand you wanting to change things (I'd lose my mind in your shoes and I love my PIL dearly), but tread gently.

Original poster

Elephantgiraffe · 24/03/2021 09:56

She stopped for a few weeks during the first lockdown which was bliss. Just not seeing anyone really. But yes things will go back to normal and we can out for the day on the weekend or have friends wanting to visit and even if I say - no mother in law we are busy. She will still pop in anyway cos ‘she’d down this way’ I just was trying to figure out if I’m overreacting. Maybe people do see their parents every week at least one whole day? My family like 6 hours away so only see them every few months. When I lived closer I did visit every week, but this was before kids and didn’t take my husband with me. And he would’ve hated it if my parents just came over for hours/days even once a month!

OP posts:

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