Husbands families visits

[Elephantgiraffe]

We live about 2 hours away from my mother in law and she visits us EVERY weekend. Comes on a Friday or Saturday and leaves on a Sunday late afternoon. Her parents live close to us, so she visits them as well (although she never visited them every weekend before we moved there). I love my mother in law. She’s wonderful and kind and really do love her. We make extra effort to see her, cos she lives by herself as husbands dad died. But she has been living by herself for 15 years or so. She also has other children/grandchildren very local to her.
But the having her every weekend is getting to me. I feel like I just want family time with my little family. And the kids are now at school, so weekends feel really precious. And I feel like I can’t relax or slob out completely, as I would when it’s just us.
If we ever say to her, we are busy, she comes anyway. There have been 3 occasions In the last 4 years, when we’ve said we are busy, friends are visiting, and she has said that’s ok, I’ll just pop in and say hello, cos I’ll come see mum and dad... and then she’s just stayed and chatted all evening to our friends and completely intruded on a night.
How often do you see parents /in-laws? Am I being really horrible?
To add to this, she has given us the house we’re living in (we’ve taken on the remaining sizeable Mortgage) so this sounds extra awful I know !😩

Where is she sleeping? Just get rid of her bedroom. Change it to something else. Tell her there's no space for her to sleep over any more but you're happy for her to visit during the day, at least you'll get half your weekend back

It wasn’t a family home, but a property she bought to make some rental income and I guess always with it in mind to pass onto kids. She was renting it out for about 3 years and then we were moving to this area, she suggested the house as the rent was cheap. Obviously this was our first mistake... but I mean we weren’t staying for free. We were paying.
I guess she sees it as she’s visiting her son grandkids and her parents.. And I guess that makes sense. And I’ve always had a good relationship with her.
But it’s just that it’s every weekend:( and if it was a pop in for a cuppa. But it’s my whole weekend with my kids taken up, every week. it’s funny cos she always talks about how much she hated her own mother in law when she was alive and barely saw her. Obviously I don’t hate my mother In Law. I care for her a lot. And I would never want to deeply hurt her just as I wouldn’t want to hurt my own mum in the same situation. My family live 6 hours away so I only see them every few months. And not for awhile cos of COVID
.I wish they were close by or I had somewhere to go to hide, when she doesn’t listen. ‘We are busy’ doesn’t work so we would need to spell it out for her and she will be hurt.
She is lonely at times I guess but she works all week and is very used to living by herself and also has other children local to her, who she saw before COVID and will see socially distanced but only for a ten min catch up. I think I might just divorce my husband and move away with my kids 🤣

She was renting it out for about 3 years and then we were moving to this area, she suggested the house as the rent was cheap. Obviously this was our first mistake... but I mean we weren’t staying for free. We were paying

So you were renting the house from her initially, but now you're buying it?

If so, that makes it worse imo. She's your landlady as well as being your MIL, and she comes to stay every weekend. What happened to your tenants' right to "quiet enjoyment" of your home lol. And it's actually a bit cheeky-fuckery to be taking rent from you (even if it is below market rent) and still invite herself to spend 1 or 2 nights a week there, every week.

No discount on the rent would be worth that, imo!

Either way, your DH needs to tell her that you need a weekend to be just you and the kids, and that you need some private family time. If they've only just gone back to school after being homeschooled, he could make it all about re--establishing routines and getting them used to them.

If you've bought it from her, convert the spare room(s) into studies for working from home. Get a single inflatable mattress to go on the floor for when she comes to stay!

Failing that, as soon as it's allowed, start having other friends to stay. Then at least she'll have to start checking with you first!

I think a frank discussion is required here. Remind her about her relationship with her own MIL, closely followed by how much you think of her and don't want your relationship to suffer, but you really do need some weekends fully to yourself.

If one weekend when you've managed to put her off staying she says "I'll just pop in" you need to be strong and say "no, it's not possible today, we will see you next weekend" (or whenever it's convenient for you). If you let this carry on it really will lead to major resentment.

You have a DH problem. He needs to tell her that every week is way too much and once every 2 or 3 weeks is all you can manage as you needs weekends just as a nuclear family to decompress etc.

@Elephantgiraffe agree with LakieLady. If you / your DH don't want to be upfront about it, just turn the spare bedroom into something else. Make it a home office, or a small TV room or something. By removing the bed, she won't have a place to sleep. You don't owe her an explanation for any changes you make in your home, but you can hint that you're very excited to have turned the guest bedroom into a home office/ TV room well before the weekend, so she doesn't just show up with her weekend bag
My MIL was always very comfortable when she would come for overnight stays, even making changes to my home that would suit her. I had to subtly put my foot down, took a couple of tries but she finally got the message.

I'm in a similar situation OP. MIL is nice but very lonely and leans on us heavily for company. She has not given us a house like in your case, but she does like to give us lots of things (which are imposed on us even when we say we don't want them). I often suspected she did this to make us feel beholden to her. This seems like it might be happening with you too, OP.

My MIL knows when she is being intrusive, as does yours. She just doesn't care as she prioritises her own needs above yours. The story about her insisting on turning up when you have visitors has happened to us also. It makes me feel like our lives have been completely infiltrated sometimes and there is no 'safe' space from her.

I remember when my first baby was born and my MIL insisted she needed to help by coming over every day to drop off meals, which she used as an excuse to sit on our sofa for hours holding my newborn baby. I'd had a horrendous birth and a baby in the neonatal for a few days and just needed some privacy and time to recover. I remember asking her with tears in my eyes to come less frequently or to combine her visits with other family members. She continued to put pressure on us and that was honestly the turning point for me. I was so angry that she could prioritise herself when I was clearly so very vulnerable.

We are about to move 5 hours away. It seems drastic but our lives will be a lot better for it.

DH needs to have the conversation with her, and if possible he could relate it to his own experience growing up with his parents. Say that he used to really enjoy his time as a child when it was just the family at home etc etc and that he doesn’t want to miss out on times like that with his own family, otherwise before he knows it that time will be gone and he’ll never get it back.

Then focus on letting her know that he’ll be looking forward to when you all see her next time (and agree a date) so that she knows it isn’t a complete brush off and she has something to look forward to herself.

Change the locks
Get a ring doorbell
Get decent blinds on the window
Put a lock on the gate if you have one

And just don't answer the door.

You and DH need to speak to her as a united front. 'We've had a chat and decided that we need some family time just for us so you are welcome to visit once a month from now on.'

Or once every six months!

@herbivore15 I’m so sorry that sounds awful 😞

Ugh.

Use the forthcoming end of lockdown as a line in the sand. Maybe DH could explain to her that you are going to be making up for lost time for the DC with days out, seeing friends etc. DCs and you yourselves have seen massively, massively more of her that everyone else in their lives over the past year. Could we please reduce your visits to one weekend in 3 (or whatever you and DH agree) while we juggle catching up with everyone else who is also important to us. Childhood is short, we have some catching up to do.

I just can't imagine my parents or in laws expecting to see us more than once every 6 weeks or so! My counsellor suggests limiting it further. Interesting point from your DH that once a year would do "if it wasn't for you and the kids". No one wants this except MIL. You can reduce it a lot without selling her short in any way. I have a feeling it will be v tough though, or you would have pushed back years ago.

Just tell her you want family weekends without her. She can come once a month.

That would drive me mad

That’s far too much. Every second weekend would still be an imposition. I think you guys need to get very busy when lockdown lifts and then get into a routine of her coming the first weekend of the month etc

I think you should just have a word with her. As other people have said MN can be a bit brutal when it come to MIL. It's absolutely normal for families to go and visit the grandparents once a week or for the mum to pop around a couple of times a week if they live close. So this attitude of once a month or move away or whatever does seema bit harsh. Seeing one's family once a week especially when parents get older and live on their own and their are grandkids on the scene is really not uncommon.

However, you basically dont have any free time at the moment. So maybe you could just suggest that she can stay at her parents once this is allowed? Or alternate - sometimes she stays there and sometimes with you guys. Or she could take the grandkids to their great grandparents and you get a bit of time off?

I am not sure whether she automatically thinks thats intruding. In my case, my kids loves my parents, my parents love my kids and could they would totally see each other all the time. In my case, I am the one who can only see my parents once or twice a week for a cup of tea (we live close).

You have a DH problem. No way would I tolerate that.

Say no. If she turns up, don't answer the door. And change the locks in case she has a key!

What a difficult situation. I agree that the visits need to lessen, but maybe MIL could be encouraged after lockdown ends to see more of her friends who will want to see her after so many weeks? Just as you, DH and the DC want to see more of yours! It’s not unreasonable to want to do things without MIL there will the time, just as you would not be expected to be doing things with her friends.

Also, you and DH could say that the DC are getting older now and want to do different things, and also you want and need some quiet days with no visitors to catch up with each other and the weekly chores, and get ready for the week ahead. DH can say that he finds having someone staying overnight every weekend makes that difficult to achieve. Surely she will want to see other people? DH could remind her of the situation with her own MIL and that he doesn’t want history repeating itself. Then suggest what you are both happy with regarding visits.

Out of interest, how often does she visit her other DC and DGC and are they happy about the frequency, or are you the family that puts up with her?

@siestalady
OP has clearly stated they're a support bubble for the MIL which is totally allowed and legal because she (MIL) lives on her own

OP may be one of the support bubbles, but it sounds as if MIL has more bubbles than a bottle of fairy liquid. And the visiting friends of the OP - what bubble are they supposed to be in, given that OP clearly does not live alone and is in a bubble with MIL?

@ EveryDayIsADuvetDay friends were visiting before COVID, not in this last year

[quote EveryDayIsADuvetDay]@siestalady
OP has clearly stated they're a support bubble for the MIL which is totally allowed and legal because she (MIL) lives on her own

OP may be one of the support bubbles, but it sounds as if MIL has more bubbles than a bottle of fairy liquid. And the visiting friends of the OP - what bubble are they supposed to be in, given that OP clearly does not live alone and is in a bubble with MIL?[/quote]
OP also clearly stated (though I'm sure you can speak for yourself OP!) That the MIL just sees the parents through the window. Also perfectly legal.

How entirely typical of MN though to jump on any thread, regardless of what the OP is asking for help with, and scour it for all possible covid rule breaches.

The issue is even if we say we are busy, she is in the area and will see the car is there/back and just come and knock. There have been so many times I’ve wanted to lie and say we are out all day. Away for the weekend... But I can’t cos she can see if we are or not. Cos she’s in the area visiting her parents. Or can find out. If it was just me I would try my best to just ignore it and hide in the bathroom. But I don’t think I could sit there with my husband hearing his mum knocking and ignore it! It seems really harsh? Also the kids would give us away shouting grandmas here 😂
@ girlywhirly she loves locally to other children. Pre COVID she just saw them for a brief visit during the week. A cuppa at there’s or regularly has the other grandkids. But with us, cos we live far away we get a weekend visit and don’t have the benefits of having childcare and instead have aregular visitor to look after 😩

Yes thank you, that’s right @ siestalady

You're going to have to be blunt.
Tell dh if he doesn't sort it then you're inviting your mum to stay for a few months.

"Dear mil, we've been getting excited about the opening up of the world after COVID. We've realised we've fallen into a pattern of hosting you every weekend. Looking forward this isn't feasible as the children get older. So we'd be happy to host you once a month so we can keep our closeness. Just think of all the things you can do with your weekends back. We'll be in touch to organise your first weekend. "