Husbands families visits

[Elephantgiraffe]

We live about 2 hours away from my mother in law and she visits us EVERY weekend. Comes on a Friday or Saturday and leaves on a Sunday late afternoon. Her parents live close to us, so she visits them as well (although she never visited them every weekend before we moved there). I love my mother in law. She’s wonderful and kind and really do love her. We make extra effort to see her, cos she lives by herself as husbands dad died. But she has been living by herself for 15 years or so. She also has other children/grandchildren very local to her.
But the having her every weekend is getting to me. I feel like I just want family time with my little family. And the kids are now at school, so weekends feel really precious. And I feel like I can’t relax or slob out completely, as I would when it’s just us.
If we ever say to her, we are busy, she comes anyway. There have been 3 occasions In the last 4 years, when we’ve said we are busy, friends are visiting, and she has said that’s ok, I’ll just pop in and say hello, cos I’ll come see mum and dad... and then she’s just stayed and chatted all evening to our friends and completely intruded on a night.
How often do you see parents /in-laws? Am I being really horrible?
To add to this, she has given us the house we’re living in (we’ve taken on the remaining sizeable Mortgage) so this sounds extra awful I know !😩

I think you need to sort it that this weekend is free but ask her to visit Easter Sunday. I can't see this happening without a fallout but it really needs to be dh doing the talking here.

This weekend isn't free

The problem is that even if you tell her not to come, she is quite likely to come anyway or if not that weekend, the one after.
We have a similar problem with someone turning up every single weekend. Tried being out, tried telling him not to come, tried telling him to phone first. He literally ignores it and comes anyway (the following day or week instead sometimes).
Last week for the first time we actually turned him away at the door. But I am sure he'll still appear next week!
If we move I will be suggesting that we don't give him the new address.

Every alternate weekend is the most i could do and that too would have to be maximum 3 hours. 5 if it's a special occasion. Im quite introverted so i just drain out after a bit. If they stay longer I just go upstairs.

Oh dear this awkward but I couldn’t bear it. Not the MIL but not being able to relax in my own home every weekend.
Your dh needs to sort this out. Needs to be on the lines of “we really want time to relax at the weekend after such a busy week”. She is welcome once a month. Perhaps other weekends she can pop in for lunch if you’re not busy

She isn't. She's seeing them through the window. As OP has clearly stated.
That’s still illegal.

So she will be over this weekend?
You both sit her down and tell her that you love her, you really do BUT you need some weekends to just be a family and for her not to visit.
That with the children in school there are things you want to do, and she needs to respect.
Just keep repeating this, and ask her to please resect your wishes,

@ClearMountain

She isn't. She's seeing them through the window. As OP has clearly stated. That’s still illegal.

Which part of this is illegal!?!??! Seriously!

You need to stop hinting or saying you are busy. Instead you need to sit down with her and say something like "we love you and love seeing you but we absolutely can't have you staying here every weekend - or even every other weekend. It is affecting our marriage that we have no time on our own at the weekends." and take it from there.

staying with you every weekend is insane. I love my mil and have her to stay with me for 3 weeks every year (pre covid) but every weekend and I would be incapable of being civil to her - and ditto with my own mother.

This is one that needs a frank chat.

You know what they say, there’s no such thing as a free lunch!

Which part of this is illegal!?!??! Seriously!
We’re in a lockdown. Permitted reasons to leave home are work, education, childcare, volunteering, medical reasons, and outdoor recreation in a public space. Nowhere does it say you’re allowed to visit someone at their home or in their garden. A social visit to her parents on their private property is illegal.

@ClearMountain

Which part of this is illegal!?!??! Seriously! We’re in a lockdown. Permitted reasons to leave home are work, education, childcare, volunteering, medical reasons, and outdoor recreation in a public space. Nowhere does it say you’re allowed to visit someone at their home or in their garden. A social visit to her parents on their private property is illegal.

Well maybe the MIL is happening to undertake her daily outdoor recreation on the street outside her parents house?

Would it be possible to email or write a letter to MIL in order to avoid the difficulties of handling this face to face? It seems crazy to even think of moving when you simply need to be straight with her and tell her honestly that you now need time as a family at weekends. To sweeten things perhaps you could say something along the lines of, we enjoy you coming to see us, but feel that every weekend is a bit too much, as we do need time to ourselves as a family, especially now that the children have gone back to school. You might then say something like, we appreciate that it makes it easier for you to see your parents each weekend, but it's no longer convenient for us, so perhaps you might want to consider selling your house and moving nearer to them/us, so that you can be there when they need you, and not have the worry of driving for 2 hours in an emergency.

Obviously the way I've suggested wording it might not be suitable, as I don't know her, but I'm sure if you sit down and write it out, you'll be able to come up with something that says firmly that you're happy for her to come once a month or whatever, but NOT every weekend. Hope this might help.

@ClearMountain

Which part of this is illegal!?!??! Seriously! We’re in a lockdown. Permitted reasons to leave home are work, education, childcare, volunteering, medical reasons, and outdoor recreation in a public space. Nowhere does it say you’re allowed to visit someone at their home or in their garden. A social visit to her parents on their private property is illegal.

The one thing I will not miss about this last year is the fucking covid police derailing every single fucking thread.

The MIL clearly travels alone to her permitted bubble, and it would be argued that her visiting would come under medical reasons for mental health. She doesnt go inside her parents house, she waves from outside on her way to visit the OP. All perfectly legal.

Now do us all a favour and go somewhere else with your utterly pointless and amazingly annoying sanctimony.

If you say 'No MIL, we are busy' then she just pops in as she is in area, presumably in that case is then staying with her own parents & not with you? So she has alternative accommodation options (although maybe not at min with lockdown & elderly parents) & not actually staying in your home every weekend. I understand your frustration & given the house gifting arrangement that it is a bit delicate but I really feel DH needs to speak with his DM. It is far too intrusive on your privacy & family time with your children. Perhaps it could be raised in a discussion about possibly selling the house (jusg to get conversation going)....if she queries the reasoning explain you want your own home & if she says 'But what do you mean, you have your own home...' then the answer is not really, it feels like it is still yours, or that it seems it came with conditions attached that we were unaware of...or something to that effect so she can understand your desire & need for things to change. If you say/do nothing then you'll be putting up with this for as long as she chooses or rest of her life. I'd hate it OP, I wouldn't be able to say/do nothing. I would have to say that it doesn't feel like my home if someone else can choose when to come & go. On my DP's side of family, his DB's SIL (so unrelated to my DP or me) had key for his DB's house, for emergency I think is why it was given. But anytime she popped by...she lived in same town & passed theirs on her way to/from work/shopping etc, she kust let herself in with key. No ring or knock just key in the door & in she'd come. I was babysitting kids late on night & on my own in sittingroom after bedtime & in she walked, I got a huge fright. She was being quiet she said cos kiddies asleep. It went on for a long time, no hints of pointed remarks led to key being returned. Once we were in sitting room at back of house, tv on, chatting over glass of wine after dinner & my BIL (who owns house) asked did we hear anything, he thought he heard someone/thing & next min in she came into room...again said crept in cos kids in bed...we all nearly passed out (except for her!)
Eventually when they upgraded doors/windows...they didn't give her a new key (she asked) & her DB said she'd been good enough to take responsibilty for all the years if there was emergency (I think once!) & he had asked his own DB (my DP) to take on the task as kids were a bit older & sometimes closing doors behind them & locking people out etc & his own DB lived closer now & less of imposition blah etc. He said she was miffed about it but he held ground. DP or I would never ever ever use key & just walk in. So rude I think. Sorry to digress OP...but the key thing would drive me to drink....I'd never ever cope with MIL imposing herself on us like yours. I would actually sell the house on basis I wanted my very own home & very own family time. MIL can stay with her parents & come to tea or overnight only when invited.

Honestly I’d just tell her it would be more convenient if you only came down every other weekend explain that you want some family time and you don’t mind checking in on her parents for her. If she still wants to come down every week buy her a caravan and park it in her parents garden

It’s time to change the routine.

I would change your response to MIL. “Thank you we’d love to see you soon but we’ve decided to have a quiet weekend this weekend.”

No need to hide or feel guilty. If she tries to visit I would answer the door, looking perplexed, preferably in PJs and repeat about having a quiet weekend. Obviously you need DH agree to this approach for it to be more likely to succeed.

Good luck!

Have you sorted anything for this weekend op keep strong

@MindyStClaire

Oof. If you're in the old family home that's very awkward OP. Of course if you legally own it and pay the mortgage she has no rights, but it may well be that in her head it was clear that this was a quid pro quo arrangement - you get a nicer house than you could otherwise afford, she gets somewhere to visit her parents and the chance to stay with you. I think your DH will need to have a very gentle chat with her. MN tends to advocate all guns blazing, going no contact etc but please don't rush to that here, it all sounds very messy. I suspect wires were completely crossed years ago when the house was exchanged and she has no idea that you don't see things in the same way as her. She probably thinks it's brilliant - she's helped you out, you're happy for her to stay, what a lovely close family you are. I completely understand you wanting to change things (I'd lose my mind in your shoes and I love my PIL dearly), but tread gently.

This but I don’t love my PILs like this poster does

Except it wasn't the family home.

Thank you everyone for your help.
It’s made me realise (as I already knew, but was feeling guilty about cos it’s husbands mum, and giving of house stuff) that it is a really weird situation. Like a really weird situation and it’s almost made me feel really angry the last few days that she’s being so rude, taking up so much of our precious family time. I won’t get this time back with my kids. She would’ve hated it if this was the situation for her when her kids were young. And there’s no way she would’ve put up with it. I think it is, just that she’s not reading the situation how she should l. and as
@MindyStClaire said -she probably thinks -what alovely happy family we are /set up we have.
I am still feeling like it would be an absolutely horrible conversation to have with her, so for now I’ve just decided to try and be firm about saying no. ‘No we are busy this weekend’,’no won’t be available, can we do another weekend. If she ‘pops’ by I’m gonna pack up the kids in the car with their tablets and snacks and drive somewhere and sit there for hours if I have to. I shouldn’t have to do this obviously. This is what bothers me so so much -I can’t even hide in my own home. I’m hoping we can have a conversation though to say can we do less frequently... and if all that fails, and the house thing is an issue... I’d rather rent somewhere and never own a house than live like this. Someone said (sorry I can’t remember who) about their house would never feel like a home if people were coming going as they wished. That’s exactly it.
@Woodlandbelle thank you for checking up on me and everyone for your msgs/help!
@PyongyangKipperbang your msg made me laugh it’s so true 😂

Hopefully when you realise how little she actually cares about what you want it will give you strength.

Reminds me of a story I heard some years ago where a MIL was insisting that her son and his wife come for Christmas every year.
They had done this 3 years in a row and the husband was saying he couldn't go against his mum.

Wife was feeling increasingly pissed off.

Anyway she heard from her SIL that they had always stayed at home as children as her mother wouldn't entertain going to her MIL at all!
Wife was very pissed off and had had enough.
On the 23rd of December she packed up her two children and drove to her parents, a couple of hours away, whilst her husband was at work.

She told her husband when he called she wasn't pushed if he joined her and the children, and actually it was her preference that he didn't!

She told him she thought the marriage was likely over as she had had enough of his mother.

He arrived some hours later at her parents house and it seemed to be the wake up call he needed.

Nothing quite like being told by your wife your marriage is likely over because you are a wuss.

It wasn't plain sailing afterwards but they moved house within 2 years and their children starting school.

Through her selfishness his mother lost out big time as he was her favourite child.

OP, don't have your family life dominated like this.
Tell your husband straight that he either sorts it or you are going to have to sell up and move house.

You will bitterly regret her unreasonable intrusion into your family.
These years are very precious.

The situation re: the house doesn't make sense. If she gave it to your DH then the Mortgage would have to be dealt with, it doesn't just pass with the house. Did you take out your own mortgage to clear your MIL mortgage? If that is the case then you bought the house from your MIL but presumably paid less than it is worth.

Its hard to advise because maybe it was agreed with your DH or something since she gave you the house/or sold I'm not sure.

You shouldn't steamroll your choices though irrespective of the house. My MIL does this. She basically just suits herself and doesn't care if that does or doesn't suit anyone else. She can't be that nice if she does this. Anyone who I would consider a nice or considerate person would simply never do this.

When is she next coming?

Perhaps the way to handle the conversation is more of "lLet me check the calendar for when we are next free for you to visit in May, shall we pencil in a weekend in June too?" Basically make it clear that it's a once per monthly arrangement?