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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands families visits

124 replies

Elephantgiraffe · 23/03/2021 21:32

We live about 2 hours away from my mother in law and she visits us EVERY weekend. Comes on a Friday or Saturday and leaves on a Sunday late afternoon. Her parents live close to us, so she visits them as well (although she never visited them every weekend before we moved there). I love my mother in law. She’s wonderful and kind and really do love her. We make extra effort to see her, cos she lives by herself as husbands dad died. But she has been living by herself for 15 years or so. She also has other children/grandchildren very local to her.
But the having her every weekend is getting to me. I feel like I just want family time with my little family. And the kids are now at school, so weekends feel really precious. And I feel like I can’t relax or slob out completely, as I would when it’s just us.
If we ever say to her, we are busy, she comes anyway. There have been 3 occasions In the last 4 years, when we’ve said we are busy, friends are visiting, and she has said that’s ok, I’ll just pop in and say hello, cos I’ll come see mum and dad... and then she’s just stayed and chatted all evening to our friends and completely intruded on a night.
How often do you see parents /in-laws? Am I being really horrible?
To add to this, she has given us the house we’re living in (we’ve taken on the remaining sizeable Mortgage) so this sounds extra awful I know !😩

OP posts:

HelloDulling · 24/03/2021 10:00

@ineedaholidaynow

All because someone is in a support bubble doesn't mean they should come and stay every weekend. Being in a support bubble doesn't mean you don't spread the virus. Contact should still be limited where possible

That isn't how support bubbles work. From gov.uk

"Once you’re in a support bubble, you can think of yourself as being in one ‘household’. It means you can have close contact with the other household in your bubble as if they were members of your own household. This means you do not need to maintain social distance with people in your support bubble."

Shnuffles · 24/03/2021 10:09

That would drive me crazy, and it's been going on for years?! seriously, I would move if that's the only way or of this. It's time to have a "cant live like this" talk with your husband. Since she won't take hints, you'll have to tell her plainly that you need some weekends just as your own family. She's being far to demanding of you and your husband, and I'm surprised her other children don't feel snubbed... Or maybe they're just grateful it's not them!

Shnuffles · 24/03/2021 10:10

*out of this

billy1966 · 24/03/2021 10:10

She knows.
She just doesn't care.

Your husband needs to enforce boundaries.

She is very very rude to turn up even when you have said you have plans.

I wouldn't worry about offending her.

SunIsComing · 24/03/2021 10:11

No way! She needs to stop coming. Turn lights off or ignore her if she comes.

Shnuffles · 24/03/2021 10:13

Definitely not normal. Even if you see family every weekend, you don't drop by when someone has told you they're busy or have other company visiting.

PanamaPattie · 24/03/2021 10:14

You will have to grow a spine and tell her to stop coming. Tell her she is not welcome. Tell her twice a year is more than enough. Have the talk now. Upset her if you need to. Hopefully she will never want to see you again. If you don’t say anything, you will be a doormat forever.

mars2 · 24/03/2021 10:15

To add to this, she has given us the house we’re living in (we’ve taken on the remaining sizeable Mortgage) so this sounds extra awful I know !

This is the problem

mars2 · 24/03/2021 10:18

How much is the equity of the house?

alexis4theppl · 24/03/2021 10:20

Your husband really has to be direct and tell her that the weekly visits are just not giving you both any down time. I think he will need to be pretty firm about it. Remind her that popping in for a cup of tea on the way is different to staying hours or over night each weekend. Whilst it's lovely that you clearly have a great relationship some healthy boundaries and space is good for any relationship

RandomUser18282 · 24/03/2021 10:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Youseethethingis · 24/03/2021 10:42

You need to make it less comfortable for her. Weekly shop gets down on the Sunday afternoon after she’s gone.
If you want to slob about in your pjs and hog the tv, do it.
Get rid of the spare bed because you’re turning it into an office or a playroom or whatever.
Change the locks and be out when she arrives.
Don’t do any of the extra washing sheets etc.
Basically carry on with your life as if she wasn’t there. Why should it all stop just because she has no sense of social boundaries?

Dontbeme · 24/03/2021 10:43

You need to start packing up you and the kids every weekend and staying somewhere else for the foreseeable OP, let your DH entertain his mother every weekend and let it curb him freedom, leave him to feed, entertain and clean up after her visits. He will soon start putting boundaries in place with her because right now I bet you are the one cooking and cleaning for her. Why would he do anything when it doesn't add to his workload.

Cadent · 24/03/2021 10:50

She's not 'lovely, OP. Lovely people don't behave this way.

You need to stop this for your own sanity.

Does she have a key? Change the locks!

MatildaTheCat · 24/03/2021 10:53

@alexis4theppl

This pretty much.

You say she’s lovely and you get on well so unfortunately there’s no other way to get through to her than to simply tell her it’s too much. Much too much. She obviously thinks you all love it and she semi lives with you.

I’d recommend your DH talks to her and follows it up with an email reiterating that you all love her very much but need time to spend alone together with the DC (hopefully like she did once?) as a young family. Suggest to her an amount of time you would welcome her, say one whole weekend a month plus one day? I’m sure she’ll be hurt and upset initially but you keep firm, gentle and consistent until the new schedule is the new normal.

If she brings up giving you the house (equity) just confirm how very much you appreciate that and you will still look forward to welcoming her at the times you’ve decided on.

She will get used to it.

yoyo1234 · 24/03/2021 10:55

Yikes! She clearly has different ideas when giving the house to you. You are an always open hotel for her. How rude to ignore you when you say you are busy. You need your own family time. Hopefully as a unit DH and you (mainly DH as his family) will set up boundaries.

bakingdemon · 24/03/2021 10:59

Can you use the reopening of activities etc as a prompt to change things if you don't feel comfortable explicitly saying "come less often"? Eg you want to take the kids on days out, you'll be home late, won't be able to host. Or the kids are at sleepovers with friends, you and DH would like a romantic evening alone and she wouldn't want to get in the way of that. You're going away to see other friends or family, or you've got other friends and family staying some weekends so there isn't space. Enough of that and you can shift her expectations. She obviously enjoys spending time with you - is she any help while she's there? Does she help with cooking or cleaning, or change her bed linen? Because if she's there that often she isn't a guest, and she shouldn't expect to be waited on.

Lsquiggles · 24/03/2021 11:02

As awkward as it may be, your Dh needs to grow a pair and tell her straight. We'd love to see you, once a month (or whatever you can compromise on) and when we say we're busy that isn't an open invitation to gate crash our day I think you have got yourself in a tricky situation where she expects you to put her up and be her half way house between home and her parents due to the passing over of the mortgage. It's nothing that can't be resolved with a kind word from your DH

RLJ1905 · 24/03/2021 11:12

My mother-in-law wanted to come and stay 3-4 nights every 4 weeks and I said that was too much...
I couldn't imagine every weekend...

Kpbffyjjgfi · 24/03/2021 11:25

This should not have been allowed to happen for so long. Now it's gone on for 2 years it's going to be difficult to make a change.
She is treating the house as hers still and that she has full access to it, regardless of what you say. You are going to have to spell it out in black and white to her I think.

Does she come and use your house as a base or is the main reason for her visit because she wants to actually spend time with you and your children?
Where do your family fit in with all this? When do you get to see them? (pre covid)

She's obviously lonely and has got used to spending her weekends like this so she's not going to be happy about the change

Iwantanap · 24/03/2021 11:29

As you think she is "lovely" she probably feels very welcome and as you live in the family home, are bubbled with her and you live near her parents she probably thinks she lives with you and views it as coming home on the weekends. So feels that she is welcome .
I would start by having excuses as to why she can't come each week. Still let her come but on your terms whether that's just one night, every other week or you visit her instead. You need to manage it on your terms. Excuses could be that you're all sick, you're visiting your parents, you're out for the day with friends, the kids have got a sleep over and you and dh are having a romantic evening or you're just having a lazy weekend and will see her next week. Or the mumsnet favourite that "no" is a complete sentence. "No. Sorry we can't do this weekend. But we will see you on x (whenever suits you). If it's because of the dc as you mention your dh wouldn't see her otherwise then perhaps they can stay with her in the summer instead and help you out out with childcare? Or she can stay in the week in the summer to provide childcare and cook dinner and then give you weekends as just your family? This may be enough to break the pattern without causing any falling out or hurt feelings. She may not realise she's not welcome if she's as lovely as you say. Hard to know without knowing you both.

GretaGip · 24/03/2021 11:43

siestalady

"OP has clearly stated they're a support bubble for the MIL which is totally allowed and legal because she (MIL) lives on her own."

I'm confused by this. Where does it clearly state that they're in a support bubble?

OP I think you're an absolute legend putting up this, your DH needs to sort out a reduced visit schedule asap

2bazookas · 24/03/2021 11:49

Your DH needs to say something like " Not this weekend, Mum. Giraffe has been a little under the weather/feeling very worn out so the kids and I are giving her a home=spa weekend as if she's away at a hotel. No chores, no visitors, NOT EVEN YOU."

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2021 11:52

I’d have to agree, she knows, she just thinks she’s entitled and as this is what she wishes to do, then she’s going to do it, becayse you got a house out of it and owe her. Was it her home before this, ie she lived there? She likely still thinks of it as hers, and always planned to spend her weekends with you.

It’s a really awkward situation and other than talking to her gently I’m not sure you can do anything that won’t make it messy.

Roundtoedshoes · 24/03/2021 11:54

Just speak to her. Plenty of opportunities to do so! I’m sure she is lovely, and if she really is, she won’t mind. Maybe you could start with every other week, the gradually reduce. Or suggest going to her once a month, alternating? Lots of arrangements that don’t mean shutting her out, but also give you family time.

She is relying on your kindness and sense of debt owed re the house to keep things as they are. The deeds are yours. You don’t owe her anything.

Also, I’m guessing her parents are quite aged? Realistically, how long would she be coming to see them? Sounds harsh, but it’s probably true.

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