Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

brava OP! well done putting a stop to this bullshit. mourn this friendship and then move on - these people sound so selfish. why do people make what is essentially a commitment between two people a group activity?? freaking bonkers...

How and when did hen dos turn into obligatory long weekends abroad/expensive spa weekends.

When all but 2 of my friends got married Hen Dos were a evening night out, meals, nightclubs.
I had 3 ‘dos’ 1 for work friends, 1 uni friends and 1 ‘home’ friends as I lived in a different part of country. So although I was on all 3 the rest when to 1 each ! Cost only a night out.

A few friends have got married later in life so have expected these longer more expensive dos.
I have been on 2 uk spa weekends which all involved us chipping in for the bride to cover her cost so increasing ours and taking annual leave.

I had the privilege of being the designated driver too so could not even drink for half of weekends and had to hang around until the others were recovered enough and ready to go home. Joy 😃

Then of course hotel room for the actual wedding and cost of present/money for honeymoon which I will always think weird as this is also a new thing which has crept in in last 10 years.

Has your OH had a reply to his thumbs up? 😂

Most hen-dos I've been to have different 'levels' - so there will be different activities in different places and at different costs. People close to the bride and in a position to spend more money will go to everything, stay the longest in the hotel or whatever and basically participate in the 'top' level of hen.

Others who aren't as close to the bride or whose circumstances don't allow might go to just one activity - the cocktail making class, say, or the UK night out rather than the weekend trip abroad.

This is because the majority of brides recognise that their friends have different budgets and different priorities and try to come up with a way to make things easy for people to attend the cheaper/local options!

The reaction to 'I can't afford to spend six days in Marbella' is not 'Why can't you save up for a year?' but it could be 'I totally understand. I'm also having a small afternoon tea gathering at a local golf club for friends who can't make the Marbella trip. It's £40 a head. I'd live to have you join us for that instead if that's an option for you.'

*love not live, obviously

I’d be tempted to reply
“no I won’t be attending your wedding Gemma. This whole thing has shown me you are a total bridezilla and not really someone I want to be friends with. Your whole behaviour has been really disappointing. You’re a bully. Not everything in the world is about you. A hen party abroad is expensive and it is optional not mandatory. You need to check your privilege. How dare you throw a tantrum because I won’t spend thousands going to your hen party. If you’d actually been a decent and considerate bride then you’d have realised Covid has hit people hard. We don’t have the money Gemma. Stop being so selfish and self absorbed. Don’t contact me again. Oh and as for “wedding zoom nights” which aren’t a “thing” you know, I was WORKING, you know, in my JOB”

You are much better off without this crazy person. She’s nuts.

Seems to me that the fiancé has texted your OH to “get him to pull the little lady back into line”

Wanker (the fiancé not your OH)

Inanun - it’s mad isn’t it? The cost of attending a wedding has risen exponentially. Gone are the days of a hen night round the pubs and a wedding in the local church or registry office...everything is an ‘experience’ now, a major production, a show.

My own bil has not spoken to us for five years after we declined to go to his wedding in Argentina where is his wife is from and whom we don’t know from a stranger in the street. This would have cost thousands and a week in annual leave so we said no. He was and still is, highly offended.
I’m offended that he would expect it. We’ve got three kids and a modest income. He’s fucking mental.

So yes, many weddings have become really overblown, expensive and narcissistic now and for some reason attendance at them is a reasonable request...to the point that upset and fall-outs occur when we truthfully admit that it’s too much of a sacrifice.
It’s a horrible social development. What a greedy, selfish way to carry on.

Wow. How disgustingly entitled and self absorbed.

You sound dignified and restrained not to have replied to this nasty bullying. You deserve better friends.

It’s just occurred to me that someone should collect all these Bridezilla stories and turn them into slender volume, as they call them. It’d be bound to be a bestseller at Christmas - perfect stocking filler.
‘Bridezillas From Hell’, ‘Batshit Brides’ - I’m sure some MNer could come up with a snappy title.

Genuine question:

If the OP had come on here and had said that her DD was being punished/suspended/excluded for commenting on the boy, for example saying he was small in that department, would people agree that was suitable punishment? Do we get so angry because of historical treatment of women, or because we feel that generally this sort of comment is unacceptable?

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

It’s just occurred to me that someone should collect all these Bridezilla stories and turn them into slender volume, as they call them. It’d be bound to be a bestseller at Christmas - perfect stocking filler. ‘Bridezillas From Hell’, ‘Batshit Brides’ - I’m sure some MNer could come up with a snappy title.

Or a TV series

Ha ha ha totally wrong thread! 😂

Some UK brides want to be a Kardashian for the day (or several days, perhaps in this case).

@EdgeOfACoin

Most hen-dos I've been to have different 'levels' - so there will be different activities in different places and at different costs. People close to the bride and in a position to spend more money will go to everything, stay the longest in the hotel or whatever and basically participate in the 'top' level of hen.

Others who aren't as close to the bride or whose circumstances don't allow might go to just one activity - the cocktail making class, say, or the UK night out rather than the weekend trip abroad.

This is because the majority of brides recognise that their friends have different budgets and different priorities and try to come up with a way to make things easy for people to attend the cheaper/local options!

The reaction to 'I can't afford to spend six days in Marbella' is not 'Why can't you save up for a year?' but it could be 'I totally understand. I'm also having a small afternoon tea gathering at a local golf club for friends who can't make the Marbella trip. It's £40 a head. I'd live to have you join us for that instead if that's an option for you.'

Do people really have different levels of hen do? Has the world gone completely mad!?

Op - you've done the right thing.

I definitely think the rage is because all the attendees are subsidising the hen and wedding! Hopefully more will follow you!

Do people really have different levels of hen do? Has the world gone completely mad!?

Yep. Totally normal. It's a way of shoehorning everyone into the enforced group fun because:

1. they need every invited person to do a 'level' of some kind to make the whole circus thing financially viable for the group.
2. stops people having agency saying 'no' all together because they can parrot 'but you can choose the level that suuuuiiits youuuuuu'

I am so out of step with current thinking/wedding behaviour that I still don’t fully accept the very concept of a hen or stag ‘do’. I hate all three words also.
Obvs they can be lovely but a tiny part of me just wishes people could just get married and have a blow out day if that’s what they want and can afford. If not great.
Wondering how much further the whole industry can spin into excess.

Both me and DP have been on Stag/Hen dos abroad Friday-Monday affairs. Never once come close to £1k. If someone asked me and told me the cost I'd laugh. If I was then informed that I'd need to book a week off work it wouldn't even be considered. Id happily take 2 days. Idea comes across as very selfish.

@Strawbfields

Hey everyone, I've had a good chuckle at some of the replies on this thread. You are all a great bunch and you have really made me feel so much better about this whole situation.

I sent a message this morning, below is a word for word copy:

"Hey ladies, I've had a look into the options you've all sent over and I'm afraid I will not be going abroad at the expense you've quoted. My circumstances have changed since last year and without going into great detail, the money spent on the hen could go towards a new boiler for the house we're hoping to buy. Also, due to my shifts, I'd need at least 6 days off and I can't justify missing out on family trips etc after the terrible year we have all had. I really hope you understand, and hope Gemma* will understand too. I will of course be joining you all for any UK based celebrations and look forward to it. Take care and stay safe ladies xx"

• not the brides real name.

So every member of the group chat has read my message and I haven't had a reply. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I initially felt like I was being unreasonable and selfish but this thread has made me realise I'm just a normal girl with normal expenses and I shouldn't have to spend a months salary to show how good a friend I am.

Going against the grain here but I think the message you sent to the group was a little long and unnecessary. Kind of over explaining and a little rude- especially the part about having better uses for your money. - especially as I’m sure other people in the group probably have things they need to buy but are also saving extra for this (maybe they are a little offended by this like you think your better than the hen??) I’m not justifying this kind of thought process btw- I’ve just had experiences with people like this!

If it were me I would have sent a private message to the organisers explaining I could not make it because of other family commitments. I think that would have been fair....and then maybe would have called the bride and explained. But that long message you sent I don’t think was Necessary for the whole group to see.

You obviously have the right to choose not to go.

Sharing a bed in a room with three other people for a few nights is close to my idea of hell, paying £1K for the privilege is just ridiculous. Especially if you don't even get to have a say in the destination.

I love your OH's thumbs up reply, @Strawbfields - non-engagement is the winning strategy and clearly it's driving them crazy.

Groan. I had this with a friend of mine recently. Again, it was expected that I’d take 3-4 days to go abroad for her hen and, like you, I worked out it would be about 1k minimum once you’d factored in the poncey beach club etc she wanted to frequent.

That and using up annual leave/being away from my child. I was also trying to get pregnant with number 2 at the time and had suffered terribly with my first pregnancy so didn’t fancy spending all that cash to go away, not drink and feel rubbish.

So I basically said as much and was met with a barrage of abuse (as is normal when I don’t do as she wants).

For her though, it isn’t about wanting me there specifically, it’s numbers. It’s so she can look popular on social media. She can’t stand the thought of anyone not wanting to do something with her.

I honestly just can’t be arsed with it all any more

I’m sorry but you don’t need this rubbish, just tell her no !