Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

@Mummyoflittledragon- it’s not that posters have missed the fact that dsil may end up caring for FIL. The issue has already been addressed.
The problem is that posters are questioning whether SIL has any intention of building the annexe . If the move doesn’t go ahead , Op and her dh may end up having to care for FIL without any financial assistance

@Ohdobequiet

Your poor fil. I’d have to speak to him. My moneys on the sister having told him she needs money ASAP. Any chance of another baby on the way etc?

What now? He’s a perfectly healthy capable sixty five year old man. What’s “poor” about him?

[quote Lampzade]@Mummyoflittledragon- it’s not that posters have missed the fact that dsil may end up caring for FIL. The issue has already been addressed.
The problem is that posters are questioning whether SIL has any intention of building the annexe . If the move doesn’t go ahead , Op and her dh may end up having to care for FIL without any financial assistance[/quote]
As may the sister and her partner. The man could be there for the next thirty odd years.

Please listen to all the great advice and terrible examples.
Your FIL absolutely can stop this sale, if he has not exchanged he will not lose anything (bit shit on buyers but can't be helped) if his house sold that quick then it will again once he has everything properly worked out .
It is utter madness to hand over money to his DD
Moving in with you is only ok if you know the end point.
It's awkward and may cause an argument but don't sleepwalk into this because no one wants to rock the boat. He needs to stay in his house until he is clear what his plan is.

Lampzade
Yes, I totally get that. Idk which one of my comments you’re referring to as I’ve made several. But agreed, I am on the same page as you.

@CaveMum

You are all being taken advantage of - you know how this is going to play out:

1. FIL moves in with you and hands over the cash to SIL so she can buy the new house
2. Months later (possibly longer) they will buy a "suitable" house and say they're putting in for planning permission (questionable whether they actually will)
3. Months further down the line there will be a hold up with the planning permission
4. Eventually planning permission will be "denied"

They know full well that you will not ask FIL to leave so you will end up with him as a permanent lodger while your relationship with both your DH and FIL deteriorates due to resentment. Meanwhile SIL and her partner have a lovely new house funded in part by FIL.

You (both you and your DH) need to stand up now or you are going to turn into a seething ball of resentment. At the very least your FIL needs to get a legal document drawn up stating that if within a fixed time period (say 18 months) the new house and accommodation for him are not in situ then the £90k needs to be repaid to him so that he can purchase a new property of his own.

This

I haven't RTFT, only the OP's comments so not sure if this has been brought up. When my DM gifted me £75k early inheritance which we used as a house deposit, she had to sign a legal document to say that it was a gift, however, if DF dies within 7 years of the gift, SIL will have to pay inheritance tax on it. I also agree with PP that he needs legal advice and to slow down his house move

Could your FIL not pull out of the current house sale and wait until SIL is in a better position to proceed with the sale of her house? As PP's have said it could be months before she is in the position to get a new mortgage with her change in job, you are potentially looking at your FIL spending the best part of 12 months living with you. Perhaps this may give FIL the chance to rethink the situation?

Oh and you will be loosing your office for the next 12-18 months.

Why don't you move out of the playroom now and test run what THAT is going to feel like.

You think your FIL is so nice.

Come back and tell us OP when you are suffocated by his constant presence in a tiny space, no privacy, no escape, and you can barely look at your husband with all the resentment.
Oh and don't forget the constant never ending conversation about what your SIL is up to and how she and her horrible partner walked away with FIL's and made idiots of you all.

It's a pity that your empathy and need to do the right thing doesn't extend to your own children.

Your children are going to be the huge losers in all of this.

FIL living with them ...for god knows how long.
Stressed parents.
Stressed house.
Small cramped house.
Playroom gone.
Mum's work stuff in the kitchen.
Constant taĺk and stress about SIL and how stupid ye were not to have taken action.
Grandad really sorry that he went behind your back and has caused so much grief.
Grandad around ALL the time now because he is retired.
Never, ever having 5 minutes alone in the house because Grandad is always there, in the small house.
Sex with Grandad in the house.

Good luck!

Bluntness (suits you sir) my point was in relation to the OPs dilemma which was about the money but now more about his security of having his own home. The plan SIL has come up with has many pitfalls, including that of ‘deprivation of assets’. If you are in the unfortunate position of having a relative with dementia the councils are all over their and your finances to check no money is being diverted.

In the carehome I knew the youngest person was in their sixties.

The first signs of my relative were becoming more needy and making bad decisions. To be clear I am in no way suggesting the Op’s FIL has dementia but I am saying that if he did need care, for whatever reason in the near future, where he put his money will be scrutinised. It is something he needs to consider. And SIL too.

To be fair I think pp have a point in that he’s lonely and wants to live with the OP for a bit. He’s not really thinking beyond this. Which is a worry.

Hi all, just quickly checking in on your replies on my lunch - thanks for all the further advice.

I honestly have no idea why:

A) FIL has sold his house when SIL hasn’t even got her promotion yet, never mind all the rest of the stuff.

B) Why he’s opting to live in a Cabin in SIL’s garden as opposed to buying a property of his own.

Those are the two biggest confusing questions that go around in my head.

My DH text ms earlier to say he’s going to call SIL this afternoon to get her side of it all before he sees his dad tonight.

I'm not convinced the cabin will ever appear

@ThornAmongstRoses

Hi all, just quickly checking in on your replies on my lunch - thanks for all the further advice.

I honestly have no idea why:

A) FIL has sold his house when SIL hasn’t even got her promotion yet, never mind all the rest of the stuff.

B) Why he’s opting to live in a Cabin in SIL’s garden as opposed to buying a property of his own.

Those are the two biggest confusing questions that go around in my head.

My DH text ms earlier to say he’s going to call SIL this afternoon to get her side of it all before he sees his dad tonight.

Good so your dh has had a think about this and hopefully isn’t going to leave your fil to it. You’ve had some excellent advice on here. Hope you get chance to read it all and make some notes before you see your fil this evening!

I think that your DH having a discussion with his sister today is a very good idea OP.

@FourDecades

I'm not convinced the cabin will ever appear

It won't

Do you think FIL could have got some bad news about his health that’s made him want to give up his house and live in SIL’s not yet purchased garden?

OP, that's good news that you DH is going to speak to his DS. Fingers crossed for you all.

Your gwtting 25k and no commitment to having to look after him in his old age- the SIL would have to take on that responsibility as she technically lives with him

You have missed that even the shortest timeline for this to be put in place is about 2 years. The longest is for being his carer for life for £25k in the meantime sil gets £90,000 to spend on a new house and has no responsibility

No one can actually think that this plan is going to work out. There are so many issues and what ifs that haven’t been discussed.

What if sil defaults on the mortgage/gets a divorce and the 1001 other things no one has discussed.
The only grabby one is the sil who wants as much as she can get before fil is dead.

Please sit your fil and Dh down and go through all the things that have been mentioned on this thread.
You seem to be very passive. Your dc will suffer your marriage will suffer and yet you are quite happy to go along with ruining what you have.

Just a point to remember. Whilst fil might be the nicest person in the world at the moment. Living with someone full time is a completely different scenario and I would be more afraid of ruining the good relationship you have

I think it might be mentioned by others but given previous form from the BIL, how likely is it that he would want his FIL living and ageing in his garden UNLESS there's some substantial financial motive or worse still, and as many others have speculated, this is a scam from beginning to end.

@billy1966

Oh and you will be loosing your office for the next 12-18 months.

Why don't you move out of the playroom now and test run what THAT is going to feel like.

You think your FIL is so nice.

Come back and tell us OP when you are suffocated by his constant presence in a tiny space, no privacy, no escape, and you can barely look at your husband with all the resentment.
Oh and don't forget the constant never ending conversation about what your SIL is up to and how she and her horrible partner walked away with FIL's and made idiots of you all.

It's a pity that your empathy and need to do the right thing doesn't extend to your own children.

Your children are going to be the huge losers in all of this.

FIL living with them ...for god knows how long.
Stressed parents.
Stressed house.
Small cramped house.
Playroom gone.
Mum's work stuff in the kitchen.
Constant taĺk and stress about SIL and how stupid ye were not to have taken action.
Grandad really sorry that he went behind your back and has caused so much grief.
Grandad around ALL the time now because he is retired.
Never, ever having 5 minutes alone in the house because Grandad is always there, in the small house.
Sex with Grandad in the house.

Good luck!

Excellent points to consider.

@NeedToGetOuttaHere

That very fleetingly crossed my mind too, but I told myself I was morbidly catastrophising based on personal bias / experience so didn't like to say.....

Was posting yesterday as OldQueen1969 due to fubar with old account still being logged on to a laptop I haven't used for ages (Have two accounts as my phone died and until I got a new one couldn't access emails to recover passwords - nowt sinister lol)

I'm glad the OP is seeing her DH be a bit more pro-active and really hope it all gets worked out for the best all round.

Do you have parents to factor in OP? What if they needed you to take them in?

Like other people have said there is no good reason for completing his house sale at this time. If it goes ahead you are looking at having him with you for a couple of years, if not permanently.

You have to assume that if SIL uses the money to buy a new place and doesn't get planning permission, that they then won't give FIL his money back to enable him to buy another home. Then what happens?

It is one thing to have a parent move in when there's sufficient room to house everyone comfortably, quite another if it's cramped and only intended as a stop gap. My neighbours had a parent stopping part time with them which put the room they used out of commission for everyone else. They came very close to divorce even though they had all always got on well.

For FILs own sake you need to withdraw the offer of accommodation. He needs to be testing out the reality of living with SIL.

And don’t forget if your bil and sil do buy the new house, your fil will either have to go on the property as part owner (tenant in common) or sign a legal document declaring that he gave the cash to your sil... or them. Otherwise they won’t be able to get a mortgage. Then your sil would need to ensure she has the appropriate share of the property as a tenant in common. As others have said if they take out a joint tenancy, 50% of the 90k he says he is giving will legally be the bil’s or the whole house should your sil die.

Considering that Sil isn't close to her father and her partner has neither interest nor friendly towards him, you can be absolutely sure that any temporary interest or tolerance they may have for him because of the money will be forgotten about so quickly.

Selfish, self absorbed people have really short memories when it comes to a supposed good turn.

That money will be in and out of the bank account in no time andong forgotten.

Oh and because SIL.will be buying a house, probably not ring fencing the monies, her OH will walk away with half that money, could force a sale of the house (with FIL's "cabin" in the garden) and there is NOTHING any of you will be able to do about it.

SIL's partner will potentially be the bigger winner.

Your husband's hurt feelings and stubbornness could come back to haunt him.

At least if he spells it all out to his father and sister, his conscience can be clear.
Of course by allowing him to stay at no cost, indefinitely in your home is just more money for SIL and her partner.

They must be thrilled with how it is all coming together for THEM and how accommodating you are!