Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

@ThornAmongstRoses If it were me, I would insist FIL house sale is put on hold until a full and frank discussion has been had and your FIL has some independent advice.
If he sorted a sale in 5 days, it can be achieved at a later date.
Time is of the essence though, and your DH must talk to his dad.
Feel for all of you.

@Magnificentmug12

Your gwtting 25k and no commitment to having to look after him in his old age- the SIL would have to take on that responsibility as she technically lives with him.

Do you know what it’s like to care for someone in old age and in sickness? Not too do it is worth atleast £150k so trust me, your the one coming out better off.

Not nice to say but it’s the cold hard truth. I’d take the money and sigh with relief

And people commenting like this really need to reread ops posts. Reading comprehension exercise.

You and your DH don't sound grabby.

You are grabby.

@beachcitygirl

You and your DH don't sound grabby.

You are grabby.

I would suggest the SIL is grabby!

I don’t know if anyone else has suggested this.
I think that there is a possibility that FIL doesn’t actually want to live with SIL in Skegness.
It could be that he is lonely and deliberately sold his house so that he would be effectively homeless and end up living with Op and her dh. He may have no real intention of living with dsil. It sounds far fetched but stranger things have happened.
Whatever the case ,your dh cannot unilaterally decide that his father should live in your home for an indefinite period. As others have suggested, he could be living with you for years. If he gives SIL 90k for new house and 120k for the annexe he will have nothing left and you are your dh will have to take care of him.

Crossed my mind partly why I suggested OP get her DH to talk to his sister and see what she actually knows about the plans.

How aware is she that the house has already sold and he's expecting to live with Op then later SIL and to gauage if she really is the driving force behind the plan.

Whatever my DH said I'd be asking questions about length of stay in my house and making sure future plans were viable ie they would leave at some point by asking quiestions and query and suspect answers.

I find the OP and her DH passivity about having a long term house guest odd.

Has he looked at the options? If he wants to live in Skegness near the coast he could buy and still have money in the bank
Langton Court, Skegness, PE25
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-82403320.html

St Marys Road, Skegness
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-85988155.html

@AhNowTed

My mums friend did an equally stupid thing after she lost her husband.

She allowed one son, his wife and children to move into her house.

Before long they’d converted the garage so granny could “have her own space”.

Granny was then banished from the house and wasn’t even allowed to use “their” front door.

The son and wife clearly saw it as an opportunity to improve their own situation.

It was never about my mums friend.

That exact thing happened to my mum’s next door neighbour - the daughter and SIL bulldozed the garden (which was the neighbour’s pride and joy, she ran fundraising open garden parties every summer and it was spectacular). They completely remodelled the house - built an extra storey, a glass double height extension, etc. And converted the garage, which the neighbour lived in for about six months before they shunted her off into sheltered accommodation miles away from her friends (she didn’t need care, she was mid-70s, still driving and fully independent, and told my mum she didn’t really want to leave her home of 40 years, but didn’t want to be a burden or be in their way). Hideous.

Have just checked - they could get this place, with five bedrooms and a chalet already built, for £420k. If he’s contributing £225k, he’d need to be put on the deeds and own 50% of the property. But they could move in straight away.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/84478399#/

@Kisskiss

he’s only 65 and you’re already eyeing his money and upset that he’s choosing to enlarge his daughters property and build himself a cabin with it. And you’re worried you look grabby?

Think you're missing one or two pertinent issues.

@beachcitygirl

You and your DH don't sound grabby.

You are grabby.

Another one who misses the point

This has financial exploitation (by the sister/BIL) written all over it and is a disaster waiting to happen (as you must already have realised).
If your DH has no relationship with his sister anyway he has nothing to lose by being clear to his father that he won't be facilitating this madness in any way and that includes having him to stay with you for an indefinite period, perhaps even forever if he is daft enough to hand over the £90,000 without firm plans being in place and a suitable new house identified.

You are all being taken advantage of - you know how this is going to play out:

1. FIL moves in with you and hands over the cash to SIL so she can buy the new house
2. Months later (possibly longer) they will buy a "suitable" house and say they're putting in for planning permission (questionable whether they actually will)
3. Months further down the line there will be a hold up with the planning permission
4. Eventually planning permission will be "denied"

They know full well that you will not ask FIL to leave so you will end up with him as a permanent lodger while your relationship with both your DH and FIL deteriorates due to resentment. Meanwhile SIL and her partner have a lovely new house funded in part by FIL.

You (both you and your DH) need to stand up now or you are going to turn into a seething ball of resentment. At the very least your FIL needs to get a legal document drawn up stating that if within a fixed time period (say 18 months) the new house and accommodation for him are not in situ then the £90k needs to be repaid to him so that he can purchase a new property of his own.

OP, you yourself sound oddly passive in the face of your husband's passivity. This is absolutely the kind of thing worth having a row over. You/he are in danger of sleepwalking into a situation (i.e. FIL moving in) that has the potential to have life long repercussions for you all, including your children. I don't think I am overstating that, we had a relative live with us as a child and it affected everything mostly negatively. Multi-generational living can work very well with the right physical set up and everyone being very clear about expectaions, boundaries etc. But you all sound so wet (well the menfolk do anyway) that you could 'too nice' one another to disaster, not talking about things that need to be talked about. I am sort of aghast at the notion that you would house a perfectly capable 65 year old with substantial assets for an indefinite period of time. Being there for your family doesn't mean letting them walk all over you. Your husband is right about one thing, you are being used.

@billy1966

OP, Of course the plan for him to move into your tiny house with one living room is absolutely madness, particularly as it could very easily be 12-18 months.

But you don't feel you have any choice and state that it is something you just have to do.

Clearly your marriage must be rock solid without a single bone of contention of any sort whatsoever.

Because this man living in your little house is going to test your marriage and your family life in a way you can't even imagine.

Not only will it test your marriage it is going to utterly change your interactions with your children as he will ALWAYS be there.

It will change your children's lives as they will have an extended period in their childhoods that the home was under enormous stress.

But you are determined to just accept all of this.

You are determined to bring all the stress of your FIL's plans, made behind your backs that are going to be played out over the next couple of years right into your home, marriage and children's lives.

You will be whispering in your bedroom under the blankets trying to have a private conversation in YOUR home.

I believe you have absolutely NO idea of the stress you are bringing into your home and marriage.

Good luck.

This really. DH and I have always said that none of our parents will ever move in with us unless the alternative was a park bench. It's not fair on us or our DD. I'm always quite relieved when friends leave after a weekend here, any more than that would do my head in.

This is the kind of thing my brother would say. My mum wouldn’t do that though as she would worry one of us would be upset. I personally agree with everyone who has said it’s his money to spend as he see’s fit. It’s not nice to be complaining about your inheritance. He could waste the lot, don’t rely on inheritances

Op you say that your FIL is lovely and you want to do what’s best for him but I think his actions are demonstrating that he has been very underhanded. He is very much planning on using you and your DH for free accommodation now that he has sold his property.
He has plotted behind your backs with his DD to sell his home and now expects to move into your home for free with no end date set.
He seems to be still working and is only 65 and is currently living alone and managing fine.
I just think you guys are being taken for mugs. It’s his choice but he can’t have it both ways. Either he is open and makes his plans, consulting you both and taking your wishes into consideration or he does this solo run and goes down the path he has set out with his DD. There is no need to suck your and your family into the scheme involving his DD and you should grow a backbone and tell him this.

Yes, it's very convenient that FIL was talking about renting until the cabin was ready but when he realized how much that would cost decided to live with you rent free. He's completely using you.

It can be very hard to stand up to societal expectations. But you know exactly where this is heading. Either woman up and have a full cards on the table discussion with DH and FIL, or realize that you have no one else to blame if (when) it becomes a disaster.

@Amammi

Op you say that your FIL is lovely and you want to do what’s best for him but I think his actions are demonstrating that he has been very underhanded. He is very much planning on using you and your DH for free accommodation now that he has sold his property. He has plotted behind your backs with his DD to sell his home and now expects to move into your home for free with no end date set. He seems to be still working and is only 65 and is currently living alone and managing fine. I just think you guys are being taken for mugs. It’s his choice but he can’t have it both ways. Either he is open and makes his plans, consulting you both and taking your wishes into consideration or he does this solo run and goes down the path he has set out with his DD. There is no need to suck your and your family into the scheme involving his DD and you should grow a backbone and tell him this.

I agree, this 'lovely' man is being at best selfish and heedless of the OPs families needs and persoective, at worst actively underhand and using them as free accomodation/fallback position if things go awry with the DIL. I think you need to judge him by his actions and not just by how he presents himself, a loving and 'nice' man. Someone can be nice, without necessarily being good. And vice versa. Give me 'good' anytime.

I think you are being a bit of a Martyr here, its possible to be a kind, lovely person and still be a Martyr I hasten to add. It would be crazy to just accept FIL moving in without even being involved in the discussion of him moving in with SIL, after he has excluded you from all this planning and prep. PP notes all the strains its going to put on your family. If he wants to move in with you as part of The Wider Plan then you need to be included in The Wider Plan. I hope your discussion with him this evening goes well.

Have just seen that FIL is 65. Only a couple of years older than dh and me. I simply cannot imagine getting rid of my main asset and moving in with any of my dcs at this stage of my life - and can't imagine any of our friends doing it either. His plans are those of a much much older man.

I'd also be horrified if my dcs had an eye on their inheritance or if they were expecting me to be dead soon enough to cover university costs for an 8 and 4 year old. I know you say he mentioned it first, but surely you should have discouraged that line of thinking?

He's acting like someone who feels his life is over whereas in reality he could have many more years of active independence.

Apologies of you've already addressed this, but could you not encourage him to buy a property very close to your SIL instead of compromising his own independence in the way he plans?

He’s only sixty five and in good health? Why would the two of you possibly think he’s going to die in the next ten to fifteen years? He could live for another 25 years easily.

My relative had dementia at 70. Average life expectancy 10 years with dementia.

@Zandathepanda

My relative had dementia at 70. Average life expectancy 10 years with dementia.

And captain Tom lived to 100. I’m sorry but what’s your point?

Your poor fil. I’d have to speak to him.
My moneys on the sister having told him she needs money ASAP. Any chance of another baby on the way etc?