Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

without his ds’s knowledge

You say that you have to put up with it for DH’s sake.. you don’t need to be so passive, and in fact ypur DH may appreciate you becoming proactive in this whilst he is mired in the emotional fallout of the revelation.

If it were me I would write out a list of questions based on the great advice above from previous posters. What ifs, for all scenarios, and ask FIL to answer them all honestly in his own mind. Another point to add, what if you and DH split up (not unlikely if this goes ahead), where will FIL live then?

And agree a set of conditions for living in your house medium to long term (i.e. contribution to food and bills, agreement that you will all pitch in with family life, split of cleaning/laundry/cooking etc.) because if he moves it I expect it will be 1-2 years minimum. Otherwise you risk DH falling put with his dad.

OP,
Of course the plan for him to move into your tiny house with one living room is absolutely madness, particularly as it could very easily be 12-18 months.

But you don't feel you have any choice and state that it is something you just have to do.

Clearly your marriage must be rock solid without a single bone of contention of any sort whatsoever.

Because this man living in your little house is going to test your marriage and your family life in a way you can't even imagine.

Not only will it test your marriage it is going to utterly change your interactions with your children as he will ALWAYS be there.

It will change your children's lives as they will have an extended period in their childhoods that the home was under enormous stress.

But you are determined to just accept all of this.

You are determined to bring all the stress of your FIL's plans, made behind your backs that are going to be played out over the next couple of years right into your home, marriage and children's lives.

You will be whispering in your bedroom under the blankets trying to have a private conversation in YOUR home.

I believe you have absolutely NO idea of the stress you are bringing into your home and marriage.

Good luck.

The teenage years in your house are going to be fun if this is how your DH reacts to a crisis. I appreciate he is hurt, but he can deal with that later once this situation is resolved properly, he doesn't have the luxury of time at the moment, his Dad has already sold his house and will be moving in with you in a few weeks.

He needs to understand that this isn't going to be a few weeks/months, the whole process could take a year or more. Much as you all love each other, wouldn't FIL also be more comfortable living in his own home for that sort of length of time ?
This whole mess is because of a lack of communication on FIL's part, DH shouldn't add to it by communicating less !

@didl

You commented upthread about my MIL having assets of 1M and being in a care home that costs 70k a year. You are quite right that she (and we) are in a very fortunate position in being able to fund that home for at least 10 years. We were also able to pick the home we thought she would like most without having to consider their relative costs. Since she is 90 now we are hopeful her living costs in that place are covered for the rest of her life.

My point in posting wasn't a 'poor us' look how much a care home costs post. I was trying to make the point that none of her DC can look at their mum's assets and think 'Mum has £1m and one third of that is my share so eventually I will get £330k' because assets can diminish quickly either into care home fees or any other way the parent chooses to spend it. It's a mugs game looking forward to an inheritance that might never materialise and even worse to let worries over the potential division of assets that may or not still be around spoil RL relationships.

Agree with billy above. This is probably going to be incredibly stressful.
But - you could decide to not have to dress up, clean excessively etc. I would take the view that if my DF or FIL lived with us it would have to be that he accepted how we normally live and that would include pyjama days, our choice of Tv and the usual level of cleaning etc . If he didn’t like it he could leave. That sounds harsh maybe but while we are very accommodating for family at Christmas etc, their choice of TV, films etc, their food preferences, I could not live like that for weeks or months. He will need to understand that he will need to fit in with your normal everyday life not you with his.
Your DH is wrong, I think. You do need to sit down with FIL and let him know your concerns and urge him to get proper advice. The crucial question is what he will have left if it doesn’t work out. He might be thinking he can come back to your home...

Ah the sense of entitlement. Makes one want to have kids.

The 25k is very generous and will pay almost all the university fees. Your Dd can get a student loan anyway.

"My point in posting wasn't a 'poor us' look how much a care home costs post. I was trying to make the point that none of her DC can look at their mum's assets and think 'Mum has £1m and one third of that is my share so eventually I will get £330k'"

Ah, sorry.

Yes I completely missed your point.

Despite some of the posts on this thread, it was still whooshing over my head that some people think of an inheritance before someome has died!

As you say, lucky MIL that she/you can afford to choose her housing/care for her last years.

@en0la

The 25k is very generous and will pay almost all the university fees. Your Dd can get a student loan anyway.

For one child, OP has 2

Then it will pay half their fees and they can get a loan. Still generous.

And the amount for op’s dcs is irrelevant as they can’t risk giving one penny of the 25k to her kids anyway due to the deprivation of assets rule.

Then it will pay half their fees and they can get a loan. Still generous

Not to be sniffed at, however will it pay half the fee's in 10 years time ? If interest rates remain low ? If they shoot up, how will it impact that bigger mortgage the daughter is planning on getting ? What happens to FIL if she can no longer makes the payments and needs to sell the house ? Where will he live then ? He isn't allowed to live in the house because SIL doesn't like him, tricky isn't it ?

That SIL stands for son in law.

@billy1966

OP, Of course the plan for him to move into your tiny house with one living room is absolutely madness, particularly as it could very easily be 12-18 months.

But you don't feel you have any choice and state that it is something you just have to do.

Clearly your marriage must be rock solid without a single bone of contention of any sort whatsoever.

Because this man living in your little house is going to test your marriage and your family life in a way you can't even imagine.

Not only will it test your marriage it is going to utterly change your interactions with your children as he will ALWAYS be there.

It will change your children's lives as they will have an extended period in their childhoods that the home was under enormous stress.

But you are determined to just accept all of this.

You are determined to bring all the stress of your FIL's plans, made behind your backs that are going to be played out over the next couple of years right into your home, marriage and children's lives.

You will be whispering in your bedroom under the blankets trying to have a private conversation in YOUR home.

I believe you have absolutely NO idea of the stress you are bringing into your home and marriage.

Good luck.

This is so, so true! Only DH or FIL will win, that's all you will have left, no marriage, no relationship with your children if you go through with this madness.

The situation of FIL living with you short term between selling and buying himself a house has changed without your involvement in any discussion. I think you need to approach it from discussing this arrangement as it directly effects you. It sounds like you feel you should offer him a home but most people would think it reasonable to have some boundaries and discussion about the effect on your household and timescales that are acceptable to all. I would in your position suggest rent free for up to six months with a contribution towards food but as it effect your space and family dynamic and that is the max time you are comfortable with.You do need to make it clear it is not a long term solution in the best interests of everyone - you would need to sell and move to a bigger house ( with cabin in the garden) for that to be viable! Renting or buying in Skegg does seem more sensible and straightforward though....

He definitely needs to protect his assets.
And I agree, why is he moving into their garden instead of simply buying a house near by them

What about suggesting he rents somewhere small near his daughters and test the waters?

Your gwtting 25k and no commitment to having to look after him in his old age- the SIL would have to take on that responsibility as she technically lives with him.

Do you know what it’s like to care for someone in old age and in sickness? Not too do it is worth atleast £150k so trust me, your the one coming out better off.

Not nice to say but it’s the cold hard truth. I’d take the money and sigh with relief

@ThornAmongstRoses I think you realise how crazy this plan is - now you just need to get your DH and DFiL to understand.

1. Your DH thinks it is acceptable for his DF to move in with you, make no contribution, take away your office space, remove your privacy - all of this for an unspecified length of time. You need to say NO to this. You already know this will threaten your family’s happiness. Just say NO.

1. Your DFiL has sold his house at a knock down price so he can what? Bank the proceeds until his daughter buys a house at some random far off date in the future and live with you for free until then. This is crazy. He needs to cancel the sale. If you say no to him staying, he will be forced to...so it’s a kindness to say NO. Otherwise you are enabling him to make a terrible mistake.

1. Your SiL’s plans are just plans. They might happen, they might not. Who knows? Is it a good idea? Maybe? It does sound as if her DP is a nightmare but who knows? Is a cabin a better idea than his own flat? Probably not, but if it’s what he wants I guess it’s ok. The real issue is the practicality of the timing. Your DFiL should at the very least be encouraged to wait until your SiL is ready to sell her house, before selling his. There’s just no need for him to sell up early. And if you say yes to him doing this and staying with you, then you are complicit in your SiL’s plan.

You are getting loads of advice but I sense you are feeling you need to be kind. You and your DH need to realise that being kind sometimes means saying no to things, it’s not just for kids! If you say no to him staying, he will be forced to rethink the plan. Help him to think it though. If he still goes ahead, you can feel reassured he has thought it through and made a decision he is happy with.

@ThornAmongstRoses

I’m currently in the stage of having to put up with it for my DH’s sake. At the moment DH is angry, confused, hurt and a bit flabbergasted by it all I think - the real insanity of it all is only just starting to sink in I think. He’s also worried.

The main emotion he’s feeling though is hurt, and I think that needs to ease off before he can move forward more logically.

He said to me last night, “We’re just being used aren’t we?”

So he knows what’s going on here.....and he’s hurt by it. More than he’s letting on I think.

Yep you are being used and you're allowing it by not saying anything. You both should be telling your fil that he is being scammed by his own daughter, that he can make his own mistakes if he wants but you want no part in them and that he cannot live with you. Then tell the sil that you know what she is doing, that you can't believe she could be this cruel to her own father and that she can house him because you won't be, or she can watch her own father become homeless.

You have to be blunt in situations like this. Your relationship with both is already ruined, so that hardly matters now. Doing the right thing does. If he doesn't listen, on his head be it.

OP, I hope your DH comes round.

It was understandable that you agreed to him staying with you for a short time on the basis that he was planning on moving locally, but he has changed the parameters.

It would make more sense for him to move in with SIL meantime.

Or he could just pull out of the sale of his house, and put it back on the market once she's been promoted, arranged a mortgage, and bought a suitable property.

I still say he needs legal advice, and soon.

As others have said, having your FIL living with you indefinitely is going to put your marriage and your children's happiness at risk. It's one thing to offer a room a for a couple of months between properties, but your FIL is being selfish by expecting more.

You need to have a frank and honest conversation with him, and say that he needs to either stop the sale of his own home, or plan to buy or rent somewhere else as soon as possible, either in your local area or in Skegness.

Say that he's welcome to stay with you for a couple of months but that your family need the room and he has the money to fund his own accommodation and that's what he needs to do.

Be firm and absolutely clear. Encourage him to get independent legal advice but that's his call.

the SIL would have to take on that responsibility as she technically lives with him.

That is a massive assumption, plus he will be living in her garden and unless he gets some serious legal advice, be in a very precarious situation should she decide she no longer enjoys his company.

OP you might want to show this to Dh:
www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf

Your SIL is more likely to get away with staying in her house the longer he stays well.
I would have thought if she applies for any kind of mortgage they will want to know where the extra money comes from. From looking at this she wouldn’t be listed as a person preventing the house to be sold but even if she could stay there she may have to give money back when she sold it? Basically it’s a mess. Each council would have different rules and it could end up going to court. FIL needs advice.