Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

@CatAndHisKit

She's going to care for FIL, would your H be up for that?

Doesn't sound like she is going to be caring for him, whereas to an extent OP and her dh already do.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Thanks everyone,

I’ve chatted to my DH and he’s firmly of the stance that FIL is a grown man, he can make his own decisions (even if they’re the wrong ones) and that if it all goes tits up then be it on his father’s head.

I did say we should suggest FIL gets legal advice but he said, “What’s the point?!”

He can see that FIL is blindly and naively walking into this and doubts FIL would even seek professional advice if we advised it because he’d then have to admit to himself that this may not be the happy ever after he’s telling everyone it will be.

Altruistic SIL is not, and deep down FIL knows it.

So as it stands, DH wants to leave FIL to it.

This is grossly unfair on you. Your dh is making a unilateral decision about you and your children’s future because he’s too stubborn to confront his father.

You say your sil is in her 20’s. I take it your dh isn’t very old either and far younger than a lot of people commenting on here, including me. We’ve lived a lot more and seen a lot more.

You could have your fil living with you for the rest of your children’s childhood. How does that prospect sit with you?

I would not accept this. Please don’t.

And I meant to say, please discuss this with your fil. Your dh has no one’s best interest at heart. Including any n&n as the house would be sold under them to pay for care fees for your df.

Your husband sounds like a wet blanket. Why doesn't he grow a pair and do what's right and talk to his father.
Or you do it.

Living with you for 6/8 mths, (bet it turns into a year) is not ok.

By moving into a cabin in his daughters new house garden, he's making himself financially vulnerable. He can't sell said cabin to pay for nursing fees. How is this good sense?

@ThornAmongstRoses

I hope FIL is going to pay his way while he's with you. Do you have more than one living room?

DH has already told FIL he could stay here free of charge but that was before we knew what was being planned between our backs and we genuinely thought it would just be for a few months whilst he looked for a place to buy in our town.

And no, only one living room.

I’m not going to tell DH his dad can’t move in, just as would never say one of my parents couldn’t stay if they were effectively homeless. It’s just what you do for your parents isn’t it.

He is not a poor homeless person, he has 250k free to spend. This is the only part of all of this you can control and I absolutely would. Why would you give up your sanity for your sil’s inheretance?

Reading back on your update I'm inclined to think he'd be better off not staying with either of you! You and your husband are being drips. You're either worried about his future if you're not and if you are then DO something! At least talk to the man, give him some lawyer details. I work in a law firm and the amount of probate disputes and cases where local authorities are taking people to court because they think they've deliberately cleared their assets that I see is so depressing. This also reeks of BIL rather than SIL wanting FIL's cash ....

I’m currently in the stage of having to put up with it for my DH’s sake. At the moment DH is angry, confused, hurt and a bit flabbergasted by it all I think - the real insanity of it all is only just starting to sink in I think. He’s also worried.

The main emotion he’s feeling though is hurt, and I think that needs to ease off before he can move forward more logically.

He said to me last night, “We’re just being used aren’t we?”

So he knows what’s going on here.....and he’s hurt by it. More than he’s letting on I think.

I’ve chatted to my DH and he’s firmly of the stance that FIL is a grown man, he can make his own decisions (even if they’re the wrong ones) and that if it all goes tits up then be it on his father’s head

He’s totally correct. Your father In law is a grown man, fully able to make his own decisions. You have no relationship with his sister and her husband so barely know them, and are thus unable to form informed decisions, his father knows his own daughter.

At the most he can clarify estimated timelines and ask if she’s sorted the legalities. Past that it’s his fathers decision and he should leave him to it.

There’s a high chance this is actually very sound. For example if they aren’t married then the mortgage could be in both the father and daughters name only, the answer to that is you just don’t know and are making loads of assumptions on people you do not know.

So your husband is correct, it’s his fathers call, it’s his money, his life, and he is neither frail or mentally infirm.

This is so bad and I don't think you come across badly, but your FIL needs to protect his money and also the 90 he is given to her, in my family ( uncle/cousin) this ended badly with uncle being put into a home. Yes it's his money but if he has always openly spoke about 50/50 then it's ok to be upset and hurt. It's the secret bit that would worry me the most. I would not be happy at all and not just about the money. I think he is making a mistake and making himself vulnerable.

Having read through this thread, I suggest letting your FIL do the same. Then he has the un bias opinions of other to reflect upon

@mummyoflittledragon. Have posted on this upthread. I don’t think social services can ‘sell the house from under them’ to pay for any care fees as FIL is not the sole owner. His contribution to the house purchase does need to be legally documented though, as if he were to go into full time care, an attachment would be placed on the property so that care fees could be recovered from any future sale. Doing it legally and ‘above board’ is the point here, as it avoids this kind of problem further down the road.

@CatAndHisKit

She's going to care for FIL, would your H be up for that?

At the moment, the plan is for FIL to move in with them rent-free until some unspecified point in the future when SIL has a better job, they have bought a new house, they have successfully obtained planning permission, and they’ve completed all the building work. It isn’t OP and her DH’s commitment to caring for the FIL that I’d question here

Thanks everyone for your replies, I’m going to work now so will catch up when I get back. Tuesday is one of the designated nights that FIL comes to us for dinner so it will give us an opportunity to talk to him.

I urge you and your husband to talk to his father and his sister.
We had a similar situation in our family and it ended up ending a sibling relationship and a parent losing a lot of money. Bad decisions were made without legal advice.
People that could have stepped in and asked questions/pointed out the pitfalls didn't want to get involved because they felt the relatives knew what they were doing.
It was a disaster from start to finish and a really painful time.

Get involved, make your feelings and worries very clear even if it upsets people in the short term.

Hi OP sounds like a mess. I am glad (hope) that this has moved on from inheritance to making sure your FIL is future proofed financially, legally and emotionally.

Your DH is feeling hurt but unfortunately the clock is ticking, which is mainly due to the selling of your FIL's house. Can this be stopped /paused? If it can, it should.

Your DH needs to stop being passive aggressive on this and have a grown up conversation with him. Outline the issues / pitfalls, legalities etc. He needs to avoid any inheritance talk /money to his sister - to be honest that is the least of the issues and it is his money.

All of this is dependent on
*SIL being a good person who genuinely wants to look after her father,
*SIL getting a promotion,
*SIL getting a mortgage on higher wages,
*SIL then selling her house and buying a new one with planning permission in the garden (this could take well over a year)
*SIL building cabin
*BIL being on board with all of the above

From what you have told us there is no evidence whatsoever that the above will happen.

Your DH needs to talk to his dad. Your dad needs to talk to a solicitor and it needs to happen before his house is sold. You literally need to do this ASAP. If you don't do this you, need to put up and shut up

I think as a minimum your FIL is going to need to pay his way, and there needs to be an end date to any 'stay' - even if he does ignore all advice and go ahead with this.

I cant see SIL doing any caring later along the line, and if FIL meets someone else I cant see that going well either.

Why did Fil sell his house so quickly if the plan isnt going to be in play for half a year?

It sounds like FIL is trying to build the same relationship with his DD as he has with your family by moving close to them. Unfortunately, that's probably not what's going to happen. I agree with just about everyone else on here (who has read everything). FIL needs legal advice because this has much more chance of failure than success.

I would suggest to FIL that you all sit down and talk about the arrangement of him moving in

Whilst you were under the impression that it was until he found somewhere else to live, which would take a few month

The goal posts have been moved rather considerably without you being consulted

Now it’s likely to be for very much longer, as another house needs to be sold, a job change a new house search and then the cabin built, realistically that could be 18 months to 2 years

I’d say FIL does need to contribute

But also is it all really going to happen?

And if FIL doesn’t feel comfortable with Son in law how kings it going to last? And it’s not like he can sell up - he will be stuck living in the garden shed so to speak

[quote pam290358]@mummyoflittledragon. Have posted on this upthread. I don’t think social services can ‘sell the house from under them’ to pay for any care fees as FIL is not the sole owner. His contribution to the house purchase does need to be legally documented though, as if he were to go into full time care, an attachment would be placed on the property so that care fees could be recovered from any future sale. Doing it legally and ‘above board’ is the point here, as it avoids this kind of problem further down the road.[/quote]
Ops dd would be liable to pay. And therefore, that (I believe) would include her needing to sell. Please see attached. www.aprilking.co.uk/blog/deprivation-of-assets-guide/

@ThornAmongstRoses i just wanted to say sorry as earlier i commented that it wasn't an inheritance when he wasn't dead and this was before all the extra information.

I have changed my vote and d talk to your DH about it. it would be so much better if FIL pulled out of the sale until SIL can start looking herself... this might give the thinking time needed

My mums friend did an equally stupid thing after she lost her husband.

She allowed one son, his wife and children to move into her house.

Before long they’d converted the garage so granny could “have her own space”.

Granny was then banished from the house and wasn’t even allowed to use “their” front door.

The son and wife clearly saw it as an opportunity to improve their own situation.

It was never about my mums friend.

Please do speak with him, this scenario means FIL will be living with you for at least a year if SIL won't have him til the cabin is built. DH is right that yous are being used, he's also quite right to be hurt so FIL can't have it both ways, he can spend his money how he likes but not take the piss out of yous in order to achieve it.

BTW mortgage companies want AT LEAST 3 months of wages, we both had to show 6 months wages for a very straightforward mortgage. The mortgage application process was at least a month as well.

Getting a house with planning permission to build in the back garden will also be hard. You will need to study in detail what the council stipulates.

I don’t know if anyone else has suggested this.
I think that there is a possibility that FIL doesn’t actually want to live with SIL in Skegness.
It could be that he is lonely and deliberately sold his house so that he would be effectively homeless and end up living with Op and her dh. He may have no real intention of living with dsil. It sounds far fetched but stranger things have happened.
Whatever the case ,your dh cannot unilaterally decide that his father should live in your home for an indefinite period. As others have suggested, he could be living with you for years. If he gives SIL 90k for new house and 120k for the annexe he will have nothing left and you are your dh will have to take care of him.
I actually think that FIL has been selfish and underhanded .Sold the house with his ds’s knowledge and now expects to live with ds and the Op , which will be an inconvenience.