Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

@ThornAmongstRoses

I hope FIL is going to pay his way while he's with you. Do you have more than one living room?

DH has already told FIL he could stay here free of charge but that was before we knew what was being planned between our backs and we genuinely thought it would just be for a few months whilst he looked for a place to buy in our town.

And no, only one living room.

I’m not going to tell DH his dad can’t move in, just as would never say one of my parents couldn’t stay if they were effectively homeless. It’s just what you do for your parents isn’t it.

You need to revisit this with your husband because he is being petty and stubborn.

Your FIL gets to make choices, so do you. honestly it would not surprise me if she takes the money and then "there isn't enough money left for the cabin" and he ends up with you forever.

Your husband needs to cop on.
(preface: I realise i sound alarmist but it is true) Having your FIL living with you long term is kind of thing destroys marriages.

So DH said FIL can stay for free for as long as it takes... you'll pay for his food, the increase in bills.. what if SIL says he can't come until cabin actually built? If its years the cost of feeding and maintaining FIL for free will eat into the 25k. If it were me I'd be phoning everyone I knew to try to introduce him to their female relatives of a similar age so he went out more and wasn't under your feet all day for years... speaking of which if FIL met a new partner would they be moving into the cabin too? Hes only 65.. that's a long time to be single. What if SIL and her partner do not like the new girlfriend?

he’s only 65 and you’re already eyeing his money and upset that he’s choosing to enlarge his daughters property and build himself a cabin with it. And you’re worried you look grabby?

Your DH probably hasn't factored in that his DSis will inevitably end up doing a lot of the care for his DF as he ages. I have seen this end up a huge burden - the equivalent of a full time and thankless job, with neither annual leave nor a wage.

If his DF lives significantly into decrepitude, as opposed to dying quickly while still relatively fit and well, he may find that there are some silver linings to the situation for him.

How would you feel if FIL remarried to someone who was ten years younger and therefore could potentially look after him in his last years. Especiallyif he moves into a house owned by a new wife. My partners mum met a new man last year aged 76. He is seven years younger. Apparently they might get married. He will he looking after her in her last years. If the same thing happened it would get SIL nicely out of any caring responsibility.

I think your DH needs to encourage his DF to pull out of the current house sale until his DSis starts her new job and is able to apply for a mortgage on her new salary. This may take well over a year considering that banks are being very cautious on lending at the moment. If DFil still wants to move then, we’ll its his decision, but it saves him having to live with you for months

Sure, no one would willingly see their parent on the street if they could avoid it. But marriages and relationships can and are destroyed by having a parent move in. And you can avoid it. By having a kind and frank conversation with FIL. The risks of this scheme are huge, foreseeable and completely avoidable.
There is so much in life that can't be planned for, as the last year has shown us all. This is one disaster you can avoid. Why let it happen?

If FIL moves in with you for more than a few weeks it is perfectly ok to ask for a contribution to food etc. Similarly he will have to put up with children's noise, house not being tidy all the time just as you have to put up with having someone else in the house for a prolonged period of time.

At the very least your DH should suggest he doesn't hand over his money to his DD without some sort of legal protection. Of the two families I know who took in elderly relatives it did not end well. One of my friends offered to have her DM live with her and ended up moving to a bungalow because her DM could not manage stairs so paid out a fortune and the DM gave the majority of her house proceeds to her other DD. DM fell out with friends DH and suffered with dementia so she was told to go and live with other DD who did not want her so they bought a flat for to live in near my friend. Nightmare for the whole family.

I’m not going to tell DH his dad can’t move in, just as would never say one of my parents couldn’t stay if they were effectively homeless. It’s just what you do for your parents isn’t it

In desperate times it is what one would do for parents, but when they’re sitting on a quarter of a million, they’re not “homeless”

@ThornAmongstRoses

Will it rely on SIL selling current house first ? Surely that could take up to two years?

SIL needs to start her new job (maybe up to 2 months, then work long enough to prove to the bank her increased income is consistent so they can apply for a higher mortgage for the new house (another 3+ months maybe), then they’ve got to start looking for the new house, get the mortgage agreed, sell her house and then move into the new house.

Sounds like it’s going to take more than just a few months like FIL thinks it will be.

Then at the very least your DH needs to be telling FIL to stay put until SIL is in a position to look for a house. The current situation is utterly ridiculous. Making himself homeless on a bunch of maybes. And staying with you pretty much at SIL's whim. She has no incentive to hurry up. None at all. You take all the life-change while she pockets the cash.

And I'm sorry, if my FIL was destitute of course he could move in here. But not if he had deliberately and consciously lied to me and DH and done a bait and switch. I'm sorry, he's either a grown up man with capacity or he's not.

Your fil is still alive and relatively young. He is looking to the future and 'age proofing' his life as far as he is able to. He is alone at present. Why shouldn't he feel that his own future needs are more important than anybody else's expected inheritance? Why should he stay alone in the house he owned for possibly 20 years when he can be living right next to his daughter, potentially being involved with her and her family and being looked after when he becomes older?

If he is giving £90000 towards his dd's house plus potentially over £100000 for his cabin, he will have very little left from his £250000 house. From the £60000 he has left he is prepared to give your dh £25000. I think that is very generous, considering that from his house this only leaves him with £35000 from his house for what ever he might need, holidays , medical/dental care ext.

It is disappointing in relation to what you thought you and dh would have been inheriting but his own needs and wishes must come first with his own money. I know you intended most of it for your own dc's university funds but his first responsibility is to himself. It is not his responsibility to fund his grandchildren's needs at the expense of not doing what he wants in his own old age.

Best to keep relationships as friendly as possible. Not worth falling out over. Perhaps he has a way of making things a bit more fair through is will. Maybe leaving whatever is left of his savings when he dies to dh. Won't even things up properly but might help dh feel more as if he has been considered.

You and your DH are effectively consenting to this entire arrangement which was set up behind your backs and does not seem to any advantage to your FIL,
Your DH is behaving like a spoilt child. His decision to let FIL get on with it is and let the cards fall where they may, is both short-sighted and petty. It is doing your poor FIL a huge disservice which everyone will come to regret unless you step up, get FIL to open his eyes and do something about it now, like calling off the sale.

By not speaking up right now and sending FIL to an independent solicitor to remind him of his rights.

By agreeing to host FIL (and now rent free) until his new "Accommodation" in the garden of a house which has not been identified or purchased, in a cabin for which no one has seen the designs, for which no planning permission or builders have been approved. With no legal documents to say what FIL owns and what happens if he's taken ill and needs a care home.

You don't even know if FIL and his visitors will have private access to the cabin or have to walk through SILs new house and garden to go in and out. How is that going to work?

If this is really what FIL wants, he can sell his house again nearer the time. PPs have even found suitable bungalows in Scarborough which would be more cost effective than this cabin.

But it is cruel on your DH's part to let this go ahead without getting FIL to a solicitor or independent advisor to explain his legal situation to him.

This whole deal only works if the pair of you meekly agree to go along with SIL's plan to let FIL stay with you until this mythical cabin is built. The speed at which SIL wants the money in advance of her promotion (which may not happen for any number of reasons) is fishy.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I couldn't believe your DH response to all the points you raised via this thread.

It's actually a really bad idea to move to a complete new area at that age (I just turned 66, and still rocking!).

It's much harder to make new friends at that age, especially now in Covid times.

So, from what you've written, he'll be stuck alone in a cabin in the garden while his DD and her antisocial husband are at work all day. How sad.

And 65 is no age to be looking after young children, after school or whatever.

Why the hell did he sell his house?! A roof over my head is basically my most treasured possession. Everything else flows out from that.

You have my sympathies OP.

I agree with a lot of people, it can go wrong, he need to look for a smaller place nearby the family. It is true, your SIL will come up 101 reasons why he need to stay longer. He need his money to retire and enjoy life . He worked all his life and now is the time he enjoy and spend his money. he should not be giving his money away, it would leave him with nothing. I know you both worry but he is not dead yet. He has a long way to go

From what I've read, FIL moves in with you. He gifts £90k to SIL to buy a bigger house. He puts £120k in an account for her to buy a cabin. Then he continues to live with you until the mythical cabin is built...

She gets a bigger house, never builds the cabin, and FIL lives with you forever.

Honestly, even if SIL has the best of intentions and is desperate to have FIL move in with her, this is still the most likely outcome. They just are not going to get planning permission to build a separate self-contained dwelling in their back garden in the middle of Skegness. Unless they move to the sticks and buy a lot of land.

Given that this plan is apparently also dependent on SIL finding a better paid job, in the current economic climate, in a depressed area like Skegness.... it's cloud-cuckoo land. They will buy the house, and the cabin will never be mentioned again. Meanwhile DFIL will be nicely settled in your children's bedroom, and will have no money to move out.

Wow, I hope your fil can get some advice.
Can he move into a smaller flat/aged persons village type thing?
rather than the cabin??

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

You and your DH are effectively consenting to this entire arrangement which was set up behind your backs and does not seem to any advantage to your FIL, Your DH is behaving like a spoilt child. His decision to let FIL get on with it is and let the cards fall where they may, is both short-sighted and petty. It is doing your poor FIL a huge disservice which everyone will come to regret unless you step up, get FIL to open his eyes and do something about it now, like calling off the sale.

By not speaking up right now and sending FIL to an independent solicitor to remind him of his rights.

By agreeing to host FIL (and now rent free) until his new "Accommodation" in the garden of a house which has not been identified or purchased, in a cabin for which no one has seen the designs, for which no planning permission or builders have been approved. With no legal documents to say what FIL owns and what happens if he's taken ill and needs a care home.

You don't even know if FIL and his visitors will have private access to the cabin or have to walk through SILs new house and garden to go in and out. How is that going to work?

If this is really what FIL wants, he can sell his house again nearer the time. PPs have even found suitable bungalows in Scarborough which would be more cost effective than this cabin.

But it is cruel on your DH's part to let this go ahead without getting FIL to a solicitor or independent advisor to explain his legal situation to him.

This whole deal only works if the pair of you meekly agree to go along with SIL's plan to let FIL stay with you until this mythical cabin is built. The speed at which SIL wants the money in advance of her promotion (which may not happen for any number of reasons) is fishy.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I couldn't believe your DH response to all the points you raised via this thread.

Very well stated.

OP, think hard about this wise advice.

@shiningstar2

Your fil is still alive and relatively young. He is looking to the future and 'age proofing' his life as far as he is able to. He is alone at present. Why shouldn't he feel that his own future needs are more important than anybody else's expected inheritance? Why should he stay alone in the house he owned for possibly 20 years when he can be living right next to his daughter, potentially being involved with her and her family and being looked after when he becomes older?

If he is giving £90000 towards his dd's house plus potentially over £100000 for his cabin, he will have very little left from his £250000 house. From the £60000 he has left he is prepared to give your dh £25000. I think that is very generous, considering that from his house this only leaves him with £35000 from his house for what ever he might need, holidays , medical/dental care ext.

It is disappointing in relation to what you thought you and dh would have been inheriting but his own needs and wishes must come first with his own money. I know you intended most of it for your own dc's university funds but his first responsibility is to himself. It is not his responsibility to fund his grandchildren's needs at the expense of not doing what he wants in his own old age.

Best to keep relationships as friendly as possible. Not worth falling out over. Perhaps he has a way of making things a bit more fair through is will. Maybe leaving whatever is left of his savings when he dies to dh. Won't even things up properly but might help dh feel more as if he has been considered.

It is insane for a man so young to fritter away his money like this. He could live 25 more years.

Does he have a pension? Why is he retiring so young?

You need to take FIL to a reputable attorney, explain the plan and let the attorney/solicitor point out the pitfalls, if he won't take it from your husband.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Surely as a minimum, you and DH say he can’t stay, and he’ll need to stay with SIL whilst it all goes through. When she says he can’t stay with her, he will see that it’s not a good idea to be relying on living in her garden

Even if he were to go and live with them in the new house until the Cabin is built, it could still potentially be 6+ months before SIL even gets the new house.

I’m so worried about the impact of him being here. I’m going to feel like I can’t relax or be myself, I will always be telling the children to be quiet so they don’t annoy grandad and I will probably spend hours a day cleaning to keep the house perfect for fear of being judged.

It’s going to be so, so hard and I won’t be able to escape. I will probably end up resenting DH because for the 5 days a week that he works he’ll be getting time out and some space to himself.

I really like FIL, but it’s going to be hard.

You say you like him but you seem afraid of him.

Who gives a shit if he judges the state of tidiness of YOUR house? Let him rock off somewhere more to his liking.

And at 65 he can take on plenty of housework to fill his time. He's not 90.

She's going to care for FIL, would your H be up for that?

Can he move into a smaller flat/aged persons village type thing?

Why should he if he wants to stay with SIL and she is happy with that? Some people hate retirement villages, make them feel older.

Re smaller flat - well he may like to have a garden, not stuck in a little flat with neighbours who are strangers and might be noisy etc.

It's his money and it's their choice.

Your DH needs to talk to his sister, no matter if it is usually minimal contact during year or a bit awkward or whatever the situation is. He needs to explain that you are only learning of all of this now & clarify what the (her) short term plan is in the context of the timeline for her new house & FIL's cabin & ask what the longterm arrangement is & set up for FIL day to day as DH has legitimate concerns about FIL's move away from everything & everyone that is familiar. And at the very least he or you make absolutely sure FIL realises that once he sinks his money into this plan he will then be left in very precarious position financially if it doesn't work & he is not happy. He can't get his money back easily (or at all) if it is invested in their new property registered in their names. Please do it before he parts with his £90k contribution to new house & £100/120k for cabin, which will likely need planning permission, which SIL' s contracts should be conditional on...& which means even longer before construction will start. Sorry if I'm repeating other posters advices but only time to read OP's posts & not all others. Also just want to say, glad to see post moved to concern for FIL's wellbeing rather than inheritance entitlement as I did think initial post came across as more concerned about money & planning yours & kids' financial futures than FIL.

Your FIL can pull out of the sale any time up until exchange of contracts, annoying though it might be for the purchaser.

If it's sold that quickly, then things probably haven't progressed too far, so as long as exchange hasn't happened, he can cancel the sale due to change in circumstances.

I would strongly recommend this plan, and then your FIL can sit in his OWN home for longer and wait for SIL's job to a)materialise, b) become the settled fact that will appease a mortgage company and also for her to find a property that is appropriate!

Far too little has happened for this to be a good time for him to sell.

It's got disaster written all over it. Please urge your fil to get legal advice.
He's also being very unreasonable to expect you to accomodate him for an unspecified amount of time based on an idea (cabin) that might not even happen. He could lose everything. Or it could take months to find the right house, then for the sale to go through, settle in, submit plans and have the cabin built.
He could buy a static by the sea and winter with you or sil. He'd have pots of money left over to enjoy life with.