Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

I meant the 'potentially' to be the length of time! So you've set no time limit?
If this plan affects your living situation for as long as it will then I think you've got a say in it. Obviously it's not nice to say 'sorry we don't have the space to put you up here for years' but there must be a way you can bring it up? Will he have his post redirected to you, contribute anything to bills?

Sorry to hear that, OP.
How does your DH feel about the open-ended nature of your FIL moving in?

How does he see it impacting on your DCs?
On you?

ThornAmongstRoses let's say SIL is given money and buys house, and FIL is living with you. Let's say she can't get planning permission or accidentally on purpose can't get planning permission. Would the plan honestly be for FIL to let her keep the money and for him to stay with you. Also is FIL refusing to believe that a 26 year old could possibly split with a boyfriend???? I'm around this age and have friends who live together and been together for years, even since teenagers splitting.. it's hardly unusual. Her boyfriend would also know that if things didn't work out he would be walking off with a lot of money...

So as it stands, DH wants to leave FIL to it

So is your DH going to volunteer to do all the work that comes with having him to stay ... and if "the cabin" doesn't materialise and he's still there in many years' time and becomes ill and frail, will he do the caring too?

Your husband is being passive and petty - he is not coming across well in this thread. It is almost as if he wants it to go wrong as he feels his father deserves it. Really not nice.

You need to talk to your FIL and insist he gets financial advice. If your husband is angry at your interference I would tell him that FIL is also your responsibility seeing as you have supported him for so long. He sounds like a lovely man so I think you should do your best to help him in this situation.

Surely as a minimum, you and DH say he can’t stay, and he’ll need to stay with SIL whilst it all goes through. When she says he can’t stay with her, he will see that it’s not a good idea to be relying on living in her garden

Even if he were to go and live with them in the new house until the Cabin is built, it could still potentially be 6+ months before SIL even gets the new house.

I’m so worried about the impact of him being here. I’m going to feel like I can’t relax or be myself, I will always be telling the children to be quiet so they don’t annoy grandad and I will probably spend hours a day cleaning to keep the house perfect for fear of being judged.

It’s going to be so, so hard and I won’t be able to escape. I will probably end up resenting DH because for the 5 days a week that he works he’ll be getting time out and some space to himself.

I really like FIL, but it’s going to be hard.

Your DH is being too passive over this.
I get that he's hurt, I get that he doesn't want to tell FIL that he's potentially making a massive mistake - but what HE doesn't seem to get is that this potental massive mistake is going to have a HUGE impact on himself and you and your family for quite some time to come!

Now is NOT the time to passively sit back and go "what will be, will be, on his head be it" because it WON'T just fucking be on HIS head, it will be on ALL of your heads!!

Of course you've agreed to have FIL stay for an indefinite period, but that could be a very fucking long time indeed, as has been pointed out.

Your husband is being passive and petty - he is not coming across well in this thread. It is almost as if he wants it to go wrong as he feels his father deserves it. Really not nice.

Passive and petty yes, but he certainly doesn’t want his father hurt.

I think my DH is just being stubborn but if he’s true to form, he’ll probably have a change of heart in a few days and accept that I’m (well, everyone on MN) is right and will go and talk to his dad.

Will it rely on SIL selling current house first ? Surely that could take up to two years?

Forgive me OP that I haven’t read all the posts, but just thinking of your timings.

For SIL to look for a suitable house with the right sized plot, and once found, would probably take 5 months to complete?
Then presumably have to apply formally for Planning Permission I guess, there might be objections from neighbours, if the council grant consent, potential for problems/delays getting access to services (water, power, access etc) - could easily be another 5 months or longer?

Is it looking like a year minimum for FIL?
If any of this helps you as a family to have a chat with FIL, and it’s not too late for him to withdraw from his house sale whilst he properly looks at his options.

Will it rely on SIL selling current house first ? Surely that could take up to two years?

SIL needs to start her new job (maybe up to 2 months, then work long enough to prove to the bank her increased income is consistent so they can apply for a higher mortgage for the new house (another 3+ months maybe), then they’ve got to start looking for the new house, get the mortgage agreed, sell her house and then move into the new house.

Sounds like it’s going to take more than just a few months like FIL thinks it will be.

This whole plan is insane, including your DH’s attitude.

OP, you can’t just wring your hands and say how awful this all is, and just accept it is what it is.

You are going to be impacted by this massively, if FIL stays with you for months or even years if things go wrong. An honest conversation needs to be held between him and your DH.

Thought banks needed 2 years for proof of income these days?

I think you're both being too passive, your DH and you. Your DH in not telling his Dad some home truths and you for not telling for DH how you feel about FIL staying with you for 6 mths plus. I'd start sending FIL examples of flats in Skeggie

How is your SIL not furloughed right now... aren't clothing stores all shut?

I think you should accept the 25K and put in a bank savings account. Then, when SIL and partner have bled your FIL dry and he needs to move into a retirement home, you can give it back to him, which might give him some options.

ThornAmongstRoses I think you need to look into the new job situation and morgages. Banks are being extremely cautious at the moment with lending due to covid. It could be good to check if any banks are asking for someone to have been in a job for 6 months ect. I'd also be prepared for SILs house taking up to two years to sell. It would be so easy for him to be there for years. In that circumstance I think your have to think about whether he was going to contribute financially as another adult in the house could push up bills. You' d also need to consider how it would affect the children.. would they need to share a room? Will they be ok with that? Will FIL complain if they make noise? Is he good with housework or will you be waiting on him ? And most importantly will be get so comfortable that he sees it as an easy option moving back in if things do not work out with SIL?

How about suggesting that he go up there to stay with them for a week to see if he likes the area?
I know they don’t have a lot of room but surely they can make room for that long?
Hopefully he will soon realise that the grass isn’t always greener.

Your DH really doesn't allow you a say on whether his father lives with you for so long?

I hope FIL is going to pay his way while he's with you. Do you have more than one living room?

@GeorgiaGirl52

I think you should accept the 25K and put in a bank savings account. Then, when SIL and partner have bled your FIL dry and he needs to move into a retirement home, you can give it back to him, which might give him some options.

Yep.

I hope FIL is going to pay his way while he's with you. Do you have more than one living room?

DH has already told FIL he could stay here free of charge but that was before we knew what was being planned between our backs and we genuinely thought it would just be for a few months whilst he looked for a place to buy in our town.

And no, only one living room.

I’m not going to tell DH his dad can’t move in, just as would never say one of my parents couldn’t stay if they were effectively homeless. It’s just what you do for your parents isn’t it.

OP, this doesn't seem like it will end well, mostly for you and your DCs. Your DH gets to feel good about taking care of FIL while you are doing all the donkey's work. If you can't express those feelings to your DH then you have a problem with your marriage.

You need to make your DH more worried about upsetting you by moving FIL in indefinitely, than upsetting FIL by having a frank talk.

If you can already foresee resenting your DH about this situation then you have a marital crisis on hand. You can raise it now, seethe with resentment later or - worst case - get divorced. Good luck.

Anyhow, I’m going to try and get some sleep now. I’ve got work tomorrow so I will catch up in the evening - thanks again for all the advice I’ve been given

This is so crazy, your SIL is going to get around £230k from your FIL in improved housing and when he needs care they'll say he hasn't any assets.

It seems very sad. He would be much better off buying a holiday caravan by the coast and keeping a flat in town.

The major worry with this us what if it doesn't work out and he's unhappy? He has nothing to sell then to move.

This is ridiculous Op, of course you can speak up. You can definitely tell your DH & FIL that as FIL has changed the arrangements, you no longer can have him to stay for an indefinite period. Maximum it'll be 2 months and then he needs to move on.

There is so much room for bad-feeling (especially given what's there already) and resentment that this will just end up damaging your relationship (both with your DH & FIL). You need to speak up now to avoid that happening & not doing so seems very foolish.