Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

This thread is breaking my heart.
FIL is being described as an asset belonging to OP rather than an autonomous individual who has way more life experience.
And SIL has been bitchified for reasons of bitterness on OP's behalf, and nothing more.

Such lack of insight into why and how others are acting...as free agents.

Perhaps this bitterness and willingness to see him as a walking bank account is one reason he has made the massive and rational decision to colaborate in such a big way with SIL, just saying.
He obviously feels safer and more looked after with her, and he will have reasons for this.

think SIL knew that DH would be able to see exactly what was going on, so she told FIL to not say anything until the deal was already done

Do you now for a fact that she said this? Because if so, it puts an even worse complexion on it

Since you said "FIL is healthy, he’s active, he has a fulfilling life", I can only think some of this is the result of grief over losing your MIL
There's a reason why folk are told it's best not to make massive, lifechanging decisions while it's still very new, and I'd say his situation underlines that pretty well

@MrMucker

If that was the case, I think the OP would be sitting on 25000 right now and would not be concerned about the huge range of financial, legal and emotional factors involved in the scenario outlined.

Some of the financial and legal things aren't even obvious until you're mired in the thick of it.

If FIL hasn't exchanged contracts then it's relatively easy to back out.
If he's exchanged contracts it's rather more tricky.

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/can-i-pull-out-of-a-property-sale-or-purchase/

I wonder if he’s thought about what would happen if anything happened to your sil or her marriage. I can’t imagine your bil wanting him still living in the garden if he was no longer with his wife.

I wonder if he’s thought about what would happen if anything happened to your sil or her marriage. I can’t imagine your bil wanting him still living in the garden if he was no longer with his wife.

They aren’t married but have been together for about 10 years.

Blimey!

65 isn't old enough to be consigning himself to this.

If he was my Dad I would be having a serious talk with him, and it would be nothing to do with any hopes I had for any inheritance. Any inheritance could be 30 years off!

I would be asking whether he will have any legal shared ownership of the land or house. What happens if SIL divorces - and how vulnerable he would then be - especially as he knows what an unsympathetic character the SIL is.

Why doesn't he just buy his own house in Skeggy? You can get something lovely for a lot less than £250k!

@MrMucker

This thread is breaking my heart. FIL is being described as an asset belonging to OP rather than an autonomous individual who has way more life experience. And SIL has been bitchified for reasons of bitterness on OP's behalf, and nothing more.

Such lack of insight into why and how others are acting...as free agents.

Perhaps this bitterness and willingness to see him as a walking bank account is one reason he has made the massive and rational decision to colaborate in such a big way with SIL, just saying.
He obviously feels safer and more looked after with her, and he will have reasons for this.

I'm rendered almost speechless by this post. You can't possibly know what's really going on and to have the cheek to tell someone they lack insight is laughable.

I know a family where a parent moved into a house - put in the capital to get a semi-independent extension...and then the adult that was their offspring died of an illness. Luckily it is working, for now.... but there isn't enough money to buy the parent-in-law out, and not to the tune that they would now need to buy somewhere independent.

MrMucker - he's 65! Hardly a frail and vulnerable gent in need of care. And will likely remain so for the next 20 years.

This is the whole problem with talking about inheritance in advance. Fancy talking about how he would like his money to support the grandkids education etc. My nieces and nephews are in their 30s and have their grandparents alive. This man may well live til he is 95. Another 30 years. All my older relatives seem to be making it past 90.

I understand where you are coming from . It’s not being Grabby , it’s the fact he had made his will , said exactly what he wanted to do. Been part of your family for four years and then on the turn of a sixpence without any discussion he has made very major life decisions without any discussion with his son , who is his closest member of the family .

Perhaps you worded it slightly wrongly , but you seem genuinely concerned for him .

I think without judgement you need a conversation with him . Just say you feel hurt you were not involved . You don’t want him to be stuck in his own in someone’s garden .

Is he allowed to gift them that much without paying tax ? I would say he should have a proportion of the house as well , be a part owner . Definitely not gift it . What if they fell out and they evicted him ? Can you imagine ?

I don’t think he has thought this out . At all.

Sounds a bit suspect as I'm wondering if the SIL does have a promotion & that really her horrible DP is behind the whole plan - coercive control?
I mean why would someone who's blatantly shown his dislike of his partner's parents suddenly want his FIL living with him?
Something does not add up at all.

I hope your FIL will listen to your DH's concerns & as a pp poster advised come at the angle of love & concern.
The FIL should definitely seek legal advice too.

Ok, I’m off to have a chat with DH about it and I will catch up later. Thank you everyone for your contributions and advice.

is SIL partner going to be on the house deeds? Even if not and he has lived there and is paying towards the mortgage etc, if he and SIL ever split up, he would be entitled to a portion of the house and in turn your DF's equity.

The mood of this thread is so far away from what it started as. It was ALL about money, there was no mention of concern about the welfare of FIL.

OP and DH were pissed off about the money, and the bigger house etc for SIL.

Now that many posters have pointed out the potential welfare issues, OP has jumped on that as a less distasteful complaint for the situation. She can still see her FIL as a living breathing inheritance, but frame it under the guise of concern for his welfare.

it’s the fact he had made his will , said exactly what he wanted to do

@Unsure33 he’s alive, and well within his rights to change his mind about what he does with his money. As we all are

So what happens if she takes the money, buys a nice house then oops, can't get planning permission? He's stuck with you, but she has his assets.

Which frankly I suspect is the plan.

@Druidlookingidiot You can't possibly know what's really going on and to have the cheek to tell someone they lack insight is laughable

Likewise all the posters that are certain the SIL is a golddigger about to screw her father over.

Of course it sounds like the FIL needs good legal advice. How do we know he hasn't already got that in hand?

You do realise your dh has got a very good deal in being absolved of responsibility and care in the future?! £125k or whatever will go extremely fast if they ever have to use it to pay for professional care. Caring for the elderly is a real commitment. Be glad if I was your dh

He's clearly showing where his favour lies.

So you either both live with it, through gritted teeth.

Or you tell him how hurt you are, and it's not fair. And if he goes ahead with it all, you don't feel that he can live with you to enable this plan.

I've got 3 DC and our will leaves everything equally to them all. They are all executors, and there is no room for favouritism in death as there has been in our lives.

[quote OldQueen1969]@Babygotblueyes

If it gets to the stage of the FIL needing paid for care in the future, the question of the SIL benefiting from providing that care can become a very hot potato with the Local Authority if funding needs to be provided from the public purse. This can have potential consequences including criminal proceedings if POAs are involved, and debt recovery measures taken.[/quote]
yes, @OldQueen1969, I have no doubt that is true. I was thinking more of the emotional and mental support offered - I dont do a lot of physical tasks for my dad but I see him every day to help sort out bills, do anything that needs to be done online, or just to chat and check in on him. it might not count as care as such, but it takes a lot of time and energy.

Due to the troubling volte face and the secrecy involved, plus the very quick sale of the FILs house, and the fact that the FIL has apparently buddied up uncharacteristically with the SIL, causing massive life changes, I don't see why there wouldn't be some confusion worthy of a discussion.

The FIL has stated a long term intention for his money and then changed it quickly and in secret, with no apparent indication of any change in his close relationship with his son . It is of course his right to spend it on wine women and song if he so desires, but if the OPs family dynamic is as described, I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a frank discussion.

All we can do is share the pitfalls associated with older people's money in general, based on the information we are given, and hope that it doesn't lead to a rift in an up to now close relationship.

God I hate money with family complications involved!

"You do realise your dh has got a very good deal in being absolved of responsibility and care in the future?!"

Why does anyone think the her father living in the garden automatically means that the daughter will provide care?

I'm glad that you're now coming at this with concerns for FIL, instead of worrying about an inheritance that could have easily never been yours for multiple different reasons.

I think you need to speak to him, before it's too late. Luckily it isn't yet.

He will be miserable there. He will be used for childcare, just as he's being used for his money. Also getting planning permission is no walk in the park and they clearly have no clue about that and haven't bothered to look into it because all they want is his £90k.

So the SIL is about 26? That is either very young to dedicate years of her life to caring for her DF or she has no actual intention of doing that (personally I think the latter).

Of course they're trying to rip off the FIL. The BIL doesn't seem to give a toss about any of his partner's family and either the same is true of the SIL or the BIL has persuaded her to do this. Either FIL was in closer contact than you were aware or something dodgy is going on.

Either way you will end up with your FIL living with you permanently. Honestly, why does your FIL want to live with people who don't give a toss about him?

Apologies for all the 'eithers'!