Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

I would be really worried about FIL being conned out of his money by SIL and partner. The potential for things going wrong here is huge. He could end up pennyless and homeless.
Has he spoken with the solicitor handling the sale of his house about his plans with SIL? He needs to secure his money from the sale and I think his better plan would ne to have his own house near either you or SIL if that is his wish. A lot of the annexe situations lead to all sorts of problems.
He needs proper advice concerning his money.

@Babygotblueyes

I see where you're coming from, totally. I can only speak from my experience where the state thinks that 67.50 a week carers allowance is sufficient recompense for 24 hour a day, 7 days a week care and the loss of an 18000 a year salary is irrelevant.

Of course emotional and admin support is very important, and I was very glad to have been able to do that for as long as I did.

@Candyfloss99

Maybe he got wind of the fact that you already know what you will be spending his money on when he dies. What a horrible way to live. I can't believe people plan their lives on what they can spend when a relative has passed away!!

We recently lost FIL but he used to regularly ask what DH and BIL would do if there was any money left! He was just organised and liked to think they had a plan! I found it sad really, but it's just the way he was.

Agree that FIL needs independent advice about his money.
The cabin in the grounds of SILs new house cannot be sold if he doesn't like it or they no longer want to care for him. What if they split up?
He's not infirm and could have many years ahead of him. He needs to keep his independence for as long and possible.
He could buy a flat in a sheltered elderly people's community near the sea instead.
It sounds like a very rushed house sale. He should get his own solicitor to look at the situation.
Both siblings should stop thinking of his money as their inheritance. Its not and with care costs what they are, may never be.

If he gets as far as the lodge, I hope it is future proof. Room for a hospital bed and a hoist, no steps or a ramp to the door. Bathroom suitable for change of needs etc.he may well end up trapped I the lodge waiting for an occasional visit. Or worse still there isn't room for the equipment or other furniture etc he needs.....if he then isn't allowed to mo ve into the house, social services won't be paying for a care home, they will be classing him as being made intentionally homeless amd if he is lucky the council may rehouse him in any vaguely suitable place they have, which could be miles away from all family.

I do feel sorry for FIL. It sounds like he's been railroaded and a calm chat with DH might be what he needs to see the flaws in the plan.

@Derbee

Of course I totally understand that . My uncle was desperate for his nieces and nephews to inherit his money . And he was extremely upset when all the house sale proceeds were used by care home fees . But I appreciate that’s life . In this case of course he can make those choices but I said he at least needs legal advice . Why put £90000 into a house and not own part of it , because that will at least hold on to some of what he wanted to do .

It’s not about making life decisions which of course he is entitled to do it’s about a sudden change without even discussing it with his son .

It all seems very sudden and not the ideal solution he imagines . He could be left destitute if things don’t go as planned .

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I totally agree . Move to that area but buy something near to his daughter on his own . Makes a lot more sense .

He is only 65 . Not ancient .

I know I would feel the same as your DH. Yes, everything said counter to it is true, but you feel how you feel.

DH has been planning loosely around this 50:50 split and those plans suddenly seem to have gone wrong. I think parents really have a responsibility to sort this out well in advance, precisely because he's alive. Try doing it once he's dead! Your DH has no plans to use the money for himself, but for his family, sounds like the perfect guy to me, lucky you!

Yes FiL has the right to choose etc, but your DH feelings are more than valid, I would feel exactly the same. Your FiL has been at best insensitive and has created waves for no need. That said I would now do as you've done. Take the high ground, help him in this transition and see him on his way if this is what he wishes for.

When we made our wills, the solicitor talked at length about the possible worse case scenario. Your Fil needs to be prepared, emotionally and financially, for the very worst that could happen, eg your SIl dies, and he is suddenly in the garden of someone who detests him. Even if Sil and her partner separate there could be problems, aside from issues like planning permission which may well be refused for a dwelling .It really is the most bonkers plan- you need to ask why he isn’t buying a house or flat ? Why does Sil need somewhere larger ?
I have been mulling over this all afternoon and it is a disaster waiting to happen, far too many things could go wrong. He may feel fine at 65 living in a garden cabin but at 75 it might be far too cold in the Winter.
I know a few people with garden cabins, none of them have got residential status, only holiday let .
At 65 he is not old but does need to be making things more secure for himself thinking of the future. What he is doing is so reckless and silly that I feel worried and I don’t even know him.

Earmarked inheritance for university education.. well that was counting your chickens before they hatched wasn’t it? . How did DH know that FIL wouldn’t need expensive care? How did he know he wasn’t going to go on a world wide cruise and spend HIS money on girls and booze? Save for your own kids university education. Planning on how you will spend your parents money before they are even dead is beyond distasteful.

Good luck whatever you decide, OP.

As someone who is almost as old as your FIL, can I suggest you don't waste too much breath on discussing all the things that could go wrong "when" he needs extra care? That's likely to be so far off his radar that I believe it would be counter-productive. Better to focus on a) financial & legal security, even in the short term, and b) what his day to day life will look like.
And on how much you, the DCs and DH will miss him.

Does he think DH will collect him and take him to the football on Saturdays? Does he think SIL's DP will do it? Etc.

buys a nice house then oops, can't get planning permission?

Yep. I know somewhere it took 5 years.....

You don't have space at your house for your FIL to stay more than a couple of months, and the time frame for SIL buying a new house and building a cabin will be much longer than that. It would be six months plus just for the house move, even without her waiting for a promotion, and it could be a year for the cabin if it needed planning permission. There's no guarantee they will get permission for the cabin, or will have the inclination to build it. I wouldn't let him move it as it could become permanent, but he does have the money for rent from the sale of his house. For your own sakes, it might be better to say he can't stay with you, but should use some of the £25k he wanted to give your DH on rent instead to rent near SIL and see if he likes the area. He'd also be better off buying a retirement flat than the cabin. He's only 65, would the cabin last 25/30 years or would it need replacing?

I also wonder if her promotion will come through, given how difficult retail is at the moment.

Well looks like he will be living with you for a few years by the time they sell there house find a new one and build him a cabin in the garden which they will need planning permission for is he even in his right state of mind?

I know you're talking with DH now but I have a tiny bit of experience in a similar situation. We bought our house with 1.5 acres of land. The in laws were living in Spain but wanted to come back to UK so they are in an "annexe" by way of a static caravan which cost them £35k and sounds very similar to the lodge.

Anyway I digress..... Its not just a case of building it and job done. Planning and building warrant applications need to be done, it's very hard to add an additional dwelling (which is what it will be classed as). The base and its sewage, water and electric works was £10k and that was with a bit of mates rates. It cannot take up more than 50% of your rear garden. So unless they are buying a substantial detached house with land, they are leading FIL up a garden path.

I would be having a very open discussion with FIL as this has alarm bells all over it..... He would be much better off buying a 1 or 2 bed house/flat in Skegness if he really wants to move there.

FIL needs unbiased advice ASAP. He's only 65, he could easily meet someone new, and then what happens? How is his investment protected/care funded if SIL & DP split up?

He could do with talking to someone like Age Concern with no family members present, but perhaps a friend if he feels he needs support.

If he sold the house that quickly, there shouldn't be any qualms about taking it off the market if that is still an option.

OP, speak to DH and then contact FIL ASAP. Every minute you spend messaging on here is another minute that FIL is heading towards being royally fucked over. This is nuts. He sounds scared of something... god knows what SIL has said.. or SILs partner

He could buy a 2 bed bungalow in Skegness for £170k in a decent area he is mad to spend almost that on a cabin!

Why is he wanting to live in a cabin in SIL's garden? Given the house prices in Skegness, why not just buy a normal house nearby to SIL? Surely that would be easier all around and less complicated to divvy up upon his passing.

Money gets you into a nicer care home/gives you options even if the money is gone quick giving your equity away and leaving it to social services is a very risky approach!

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

Good Lord! Your FiL is only a few years older than I am! I certainly hope my in-laws aren’t discussing my money as their “fair share” while I’m still alive. Fuck’s sake, no wonder your FIL is moving away.

At 65 he shouldn't be giving money to anyone. He may well have another 20 years in him, so he should be planning for his old age. Ensuring he has enough equity to fund a decent care home at the end of his life. £250,000 will not go very far on care home fees in 20 years.

He'd do better to have he invested in property during that time than downsizing to something that can't be easily sold.

Fuck’s sake, no wonder your FIL is moving away.

He isn't though, he is moving in with OP at the end of April for an unspecified timeframe, having given his daughter just over 200k to find a nice house to live in and to build a lovely big cabin in the garden for him to live in for the next 20 years. Should he become frail or develop dementia she is going to provide 24hr care whilst working to pay the mortgage.

@ThornAmongstRoses If this plan was suggested to avoid care home fees, then I would do some research to see whether this would actually be the case. As others have said - likely a false assumption, which blows the plan out of the water.
Also, he may never need expensive care, so what would be the point of planning for the that now, if it deprives him of the enjoyment of his life NOW?
65 is very young to be thinking in this way.