Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

I think I’d suggest he hire a camper van or caravan and try living on their drive/garden for a few weeks, just to see what the reality is like before spaffing all that money out on such an odd plan.
Check to see if his is welcomed and kept company, or if he’s just being used as a cash cow and child carer.
As someone who has lived on the Lincolnshire coast I’d personally say it’s really not what you might think. If you are seriously ill it’s a very long journey to a hospital. It’s a very long journey anywhere to be honest, with all the winding roads, slow tractors, lorries etc. In the summer it’s heaving and a traffic nightmare, in the winter it’s ruddy freezing with the wind off the North Sea, and everywhere feels like a ghost town. Skegvegas is particularly grim IMO (sorry to anyone who lives there and likes it!). I really think he needs to have a trial run on this before he commits. Property is cheap to rent, why doesn’t he take a short let close to your SILs?

@EveningOverRooftops. So true, and I've seen people get into and agree to these sort of arrangements with less thought than they would devote to buying a new kettle. I'm afraid even with tremendous love and goodwill, blending of homes and finances and family cultures is tricky. If someone is operating from a more devious or selfish position, it can be simply disastrous.

All I’m reading is how upset you guys over the inheritance. I would be so upset if a family member I was this close to decide out of the blue to up and move.

Back to inheritance - it’s not your or your partners money, it’s up to your FIL what to do with that money.

Have u had change to speak to fil today after he picked up your son

Not about this arrangement no. I wanted to speak to my husband about it all first, in terms of what I’ve learnt from this thread, and then we can decide what to do, if anything.

We’ll be chatting about it once the children are in bed.

@mrsohmaybeno

This is horrible... he is still alive.

I hope that when I died my children would me more concerned about losing me than the money left behind. Gross...

It's a good idea to RTFT.

@OVienna

If the SIL is perfectly happy for him not to give her the 90K but for your FIL to buy a property that is not on site but local her (because of course she doesn't need the larger property if he's not building on site) then those of us who are currently suspicious of her motives will have egg of our faces. I'd gladly accept that outcome.

If she goes ballistic this crazy plan has been scarpered, then you'll know whether she's well-intentioned or not. It's that simple.

There is no good reason for him to build a lodge on her land.

Actually this is a good approach. If fil and bil don't get on, surely living close but separately would be a better solution for everyone - sil could have a close relationship and care for him if that's what she's planning on doing, bil could maintain distance, and fil would maintain his independence (including financial).

Another one who thinks the whole plan is flawed OP. Initially I was thinking you were talking about an elderly man - it turns out he is only 4 years older than I am!!! I believe he is making a big mistake, and agree with pps that rather than having a cabin built in SIL's back garden (which, as you said is going to benefit her in the long run) if he really wants to move there he should buy his own place. The fact that he spends so much time with your family and next to none with hers also concerns me. I really hope it all works out, but it doesn't sound good to me, and I really hope FIL goes through the whole scheme with a solicitor.

Also, the fact that the whole thing has been arranged behind his son's back set alarm bells ringing.

@mrsohmaybeno Op and her DH are not accepting the suggested 25k gift. Catch up.

It all sounds very worrying on so many levels.
Has he already exchanged on the house sale?
I also smell bullshit on SIL getting a promotion 'soon'. What if that falls through and they can't afford the mortgage?
I would do my best to halt this plan until FIL has thought through all the implications.

Also, the fact that the whole thing has been arranged behind his son's back set alarm bells ringing.

I think SIL knew that DH would be able to see exactly what was going on, so she told FIL to not say anything until the deal was already done.

The secrecy is one of the most hurtful things about it, and everything else aside, I will be asking FIL why all these plans were made behind our back.

YANBU to feel upset and it all sounds very unfair on your DH.
However, he isn't dead yet. He is very much alive and free to spend his own money how he wants.
Perhaps your DH could use the time your FIL stays with you to tell him how he feels.

Wow, I'm amazed at the hard time the OP is getting here and I feel that many of you are massively missing the point. Yes there is no inheritance whilst FIL is still alive and its his money and his choice, but if he has previously said he would split everything 50/50 then he's set an expectation that he's just destroyed without any discussion with the Op's husband.
He could have broached the subject of future care arrangements with both his offspring but he didn't and this smacks of manipulation to me.

He may never have to go into care ( not everyone does, neither of my parents did) and if he did and was living in his current home then both his children would lose out equally on their possible inheritance which would at least be fair.
I'd also be concerned that he's moving to an area where he may not know anyone apart from his daughter which could leave him very isolated.
No, I wouldn't be happy about this at all and I would have to say something.

Wouldn't those type of cabins need planning permission? Suppose SIL bought a house then found planning was needed and then declined. Your FIL would be homeless and your SIL happy in her new bigger house.

Also he is only 65 and although atm probably can never envisage meeting anyone one else , it could happen . I'm 63 and I could imagine that I may feel this was a good solution when I feel down , but so much changes and he probably has 20 more years .

Not really your FIL's responsibility to pay for your kids uni fund, is it? I don't know how anyone can just "earmark" an inheritance for themselves while their parent is still alive.

The cabin would need planning consent if anyone was to live there. It would come under Permitted Lawful development if it was to have another use.

@TroysMammy

Wouldn't those type of cabins need planning permission? Suppose SIL bought a house then found planning was needed and then declined. Your FIL would be homeless and your SIL happy in her new bigger house.

It will almost certainly need planning permission it's essentially another entire dwelling being added onto a piece of land.

Even if it was all above board, it doesn't feel the right thing for FIL to do. He's going through massive life changing events - losing his wife, retirement - he needs to let those things settle before he sells his family home, turn his comfortable and sociable lifestyle on it's head to move to somewhere he currently has no friends or activities, to live with his Dd who he has barely seen for years, and her p who has always treated him without friendship, sympathy, or love - and to live in a cabin in their garden - will he have his own garden? Will they share? Will it be out of town? How will he build up a new social network and life for himself?
Sounds like a really silly idea.
I can understand if he wants to spend quality time with the other half of his family and get to know the grandchildren, but not at the cost of his lifestyle and strong family relationships already enjoyed.
Better option would be to have two smaller bases, one in each camp - but independent. His own homes, he can be at whenever he likes, and spend time with both arms of the family.
What's being planned (for him?) just seems the worst scenario, at the worst possible point in the next chapter of his (hopefully long and healthy) life - too extreme, too permanent, too fast.

Being charitable I can see it may be a disappointment, but it is his money and if he wanted to invest it all in jelly beans and not leave anything to his kids that is his prerogative. As for them getting more - they are going to allow him to live with them, who knows how long for, and will be providing day to day support for him. So why should they not benefit from that?

@ThornAmongstRoses

Also, the fact that the whole thing has been arranged behind his son's back set alarm bells ringing.

I think SIL knew that DH would be able to see exactly what was going on, so she told FIL to not say anything until the deal was already done.

The secrecy is one of the most hurtful things about it, and everything else aside, I will be asking FIL why all these plans were made behind our back.

Yep because she's scamming her own father out of 90k. Or rather 210k if he actually gives her the 120k for the 'cabin' that will never appear.

@Babygotblueyes

If it gets to the stage of the FIL needing paid for care in the future, the question of the SIL benefiting from providing that care can become a very hot potato with the Local Authority if funding needs to be provided from the public purse. This can have potential consequences including criminal proceedings if POAs are involved, and debt recovery measures taken.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Where is your FIL currently living OP?

Still in his house. He’s coming to us at the end of April. A lot of his belongings are already in our loft - thankfully there’s room for that.

So if he is still in the house is the sale 100% complete? Could he back out?

From what I’m reading with your posts OP is you think your FIL will not have a happily ever after with his daughter, you feel her DP is a wanker who has had nothing but contempt for your FIL and you FIL may have been railroaded into this.

You may not want to upset him but you are going to have to. You need to sit him down, explain that you are both worried, how dose he think his life is going to be living with a child he sees once a year especially when he’s been treated poorly by her partner since they were teenagers. You need to explain that just because he is contributing to a bigger house he will have no say over it, if he thinks he will ask why he thinks this given the SIL and DPs attitude to the FIL. Also he will be spending a lot of money on a annex that again he will have no legal right to, what if they fall out and her partner throws him out.

It’s not going to be a nice conversation but you need to have it ASAP. Also explain how confused you are that this has all been kept a secret, what was the reasoning behind it.

If the house sale isn’t complete he can still back out.

Yes it’s a nice idea to retire by the sea but maybe talk to him about doing it properly, buying a nice place in a retirement community, meeting people his own age and joining clubs and groups. He is going to be so isolated. Especially moving during a pandemic.

i wonder sadly if FIL sees it as finally being close to SIL, in some warped kind of way - maybe he misses her and jumped at the plan because he wants her as involved with him as you are. Perhaps he really does think she is going to look after him in his old age too.

Not that its a good plan one bit, for the great many legal and financial reasons I listed upthread, and others have also covered. But emotionally too, he may be in for a hard shock.

Sounds so scammy OP I hope your father in law comes to his senses.