Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

@ThornAmongstRoses

He'll spend all his time isolated in that lodge, essentially banished from the house he's paid towards, will probably only be allowed in when child care needs are required.

I can’t bear it

You owe it to him to have a conversation with him then, if it upsets him, it upsets him, that's all you can do.

You're talking about a man, of an age at which many are still working, with mental capacity. He's decided to move in with his daughter in an arrangement that's convenient for him and her. Let him get on with it, and stop imagining him being abused and neglected.

Presumably he has assets other than his house, so you'll still get some inheritance in the next 30 years or so.

Not your money, as he’s still alive and has the freedom to plan for his future however he wishes. Having said that I think if I was the SIL I would be looking into this more carefully before taking the plunge and accepting funds from the sale of FIL’s home. I’m assuming he wouldn’t just hand over a substantial sum of money to live with them without some kind of legally binding agreement that he had a home for life, So that being the case what happens if later on he has to go into full time care ? In the absence of any other savings, SIL and her family could find themselves having to sell their home in order to pay back the money to fund his care. It’s a minefield and you’re better off out of it.

OP another way of approaching it may be to find out how much land a cabin the size he’s looking at will need. He’ll need the footprint plus X amount surrounding for services, access etc. Once you’ve got that measurement, see if you can find a property with a similarly sized garden in Skegness. There can’t be many of them in the price bracket they’ll be looking at. He really needs to have all of the possibilities pointed out to him

@EveningOverRooftops. I think sometimes you have to have lived or seen these kind of scenarios up close to really 'get' what a potential minefield these things can be, and how often nice guys finish last. There was a situation in my own family as a teenager which was really stressful and damaging at the time but do you know what, it sharpened my awareness and I am very canny about not getting into things I cant get out of, of being neither a lender nor a borrower and of being able to spot cheeky-fuckery a mile off. It was a cheap lesson in the long run. I have friends who are very intelligent but who can be remarkably naive about other people's motivations and the depths to which people can sink. I am actually a good(ish!) and basically kind person but I think it is always wise to engage your brain as well as your heart.

This is really concerning. I've seen this with two sets of family friends, neither who managed to actually get their hands on their parents money thankfully. One promised to build their Mother a cottage - they were bankrupt within a few months of moving into their new home as they bought 'the best' of everything.

The others clearly planned to use the Mother's home as collateral against a business which is now failing. They are also likely to go bankrupt.

Thankfully in both instances the elderly Mother's didnt sign over their homes as they would both now be homeless.

You need to have a serious chat with your FIL, a solicitor and maybe an organisation for the elderly who can advise on potential financial abuse?

@DianaT1969

£25k is a lot to put towards university fees. Your family won't be looking after FIL in his old age. The £250k never existed. Every penny could have gone on care home fees and inheritance tax. Enjoy spending the £25k on your DC and support your FIL in his decision. He sounds switched on.

He sounds the complete opposite of switched on! He sounds dangerously naive and also is taking his son and DIL completely for granted, even if only through thoughtlessness rather than malice.

He should buy a plot from her new garden, then he can sell it for care if necessary but be right beside his daughter. But ultimately it's his to do as he wishes, not your DHs inheritance until he dies and if he leaves something. If they don't talk at the moment I can't see a family feud brewing.

You have no "call" on his money it's not an inheritance until after his depth and until then he can do what he likes.
That said, he definitely needs good, independent legal advice. I know several people who did similar to what he's planning. Two were shipped out to sheltered accommodation within 18 months - both against their will, neither with any care needs. One was banned from the main house except when wanted for childcare and found it so intolerable they eventually left and moved in with another family member (and lost the money they put in to the house). Another had dementia which was not known at the time but which surfaced and progressed really quickly after they all moved in together. Local authority pursued the family and they had to sell their new home as a result.
Every case was hugely stressful for the older relative and in the last one, led to the breakdown of the younger relatives marriage.

As others have said, it won’t be a few months; the whole process will likely take more than a year. I would seriously consider options that don’t involve him staying with you indefinitely. Where’s the motivation for sil to expedite the process one she’s got the money? The situation you initially agreed to isn’t what’s really happening, so it’s completely fair to review.

Money and legal complications aside (which have been excellent covered upthread!) why would he want to move into the garden of someone who dislikes him?!

There’s so much that could go wrong here. He needs legal advice that leads to an informed decision.

Not read the whole thread but he needs legal and financial advice. Very dubious would get planning permission with plumbing etc if there are any near neighbours for such a large cabin. He will need to protect his legal interest in the new property so he can't be forced out or the property sold from beneath him and leave him homeless. For eg if SIL dies before he did and he was left living in the garden of BIL or if they divorced and BIL forced a sale. No idea whether a council would take it into account for care fees. He would be much safer buying his own property and also not have to wait. He can easily afford his own place in that area with enough space for relatives to stay / carers. If he wants to gift SIL some money he could afford to do that as he can buy for much less than £250k and then make sure thats reflected in his will so your DH gets same. Its crazy to worry about losing rent when he could lose far more. If he insists on doing it they should find a house with an annexe attached to the house, not a garden building which won't hold value, and make sure his legal share is on the deeds.

Such greed from you and your husband. The man is still alive. He can spend his money however he likes. Shame on the pair of you for being so grabby.

@OldQueen1969 really sorry that you've had to go through this.

OP your DH must speak to your FIL about all of this. The legal stuff but also the practicalities. Sounds like moving to Skegness might be good but not in the circumstances he is currently planning.

Sounds like DH has a good relationship with his Dad. Can't he say something like 'Dad, I really love you and want you to spend your life how you want but please take this into consideration...........'

If you come at it from a place of love and wanting the best for him, hopefully he'll see you have his best intentions at heart.

Moving to Skegness could be good, but moving into a portakabin in your SILs garden where he may have very little interaction plus all the legal ramifications sounds like a nightmare.

Your FIL also must go and speak to a solicitor

Money and legal complications aside (which have been excellent covered upthread!) why would he want to move into the garden of someone who dislikes him?!

I have no idea and it’s another aspect that concerns me. FIL is healthy, he’s active, he has a fulfilling life so why sell his house in 5 days in order to go and live in a cabin in SIL’s garden - well, a garden that doesn’t even exist yet.

I would be concerned that your FIL has no land of his own and a cabin is worthless if there is no where to put it ,if they fall or out or her and her partner split up where will he go ? If I were your husband I would be having a word with him to make sure he fully understands the risk . Also he needs to tell his sister that you agreed only a fairly short amount of time he can live with you and you expect him to either move in with them or rent somewhere for a short term . Although I think your Dad's money is all his own , and although he is fully entitled to spend it as he wishes and move anywhere he wants but the way they have gone about it is a bit off x

@Kateguide

Thank you - very much appreciated.

@Chooseausernamenow have you actually read the updates with all the ins and outs? It's moved on quite a way from simple inheritance.

Is there a reason fil can't live with sil while all this is sorted? That would be a helpful "trial run" before he puts his money in

@Chooseausernamenow

Such greed from you and your husband. The man is still alive. He can spend his money however he likes. Shame on the pair of you for being so grabby.

Oh Christ, this again. Have you read the full thread, apart from the admittedly poor heading? I would consider the OP as she presents herself here to be mainly concerned for her FILs wellbeing and down the pecking order, justifiably a bit taken aback at being unilaterally cut off from any inheritance from that side of the family which the FIL himself raised, discussed and promised.

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@EveningOverRooftops. I think sometimes you have to have lived or seen these kind of scenarios up close to really 'get' what a potential minefield these things can be, and how often nice guys finish last. There was a situation in my own family as a teenager which was really stressful and damaging at the time but do you know what, it sharpened my awareness and I am very canny about not getting into things I cant get out of, of being neither a lender nor a borrower and of being able to spot cheeky-fuckery a mile off. It was a cheap lesson in the long run. I have friends who are very intelligent but who can be remarkably naive about other people's motivations and the depths to which people can sink. I am actually a good(ish!) and basically kind person but I think it is always wise to engage your brain as well as your heart.[/quote]
Absolutely. It can be very difficult for a lot of people to really see potential motivators in other people. Especially when negative.

I’ve had my fair share of awful experiences young and saw people act in horrid ways just for money and could see what was happening with aunt a mile off. Aunts siblings did not see it for what it was. They thought ah ‘mum and dad will live with sister and be cared for into old age’. I guess the siblings were thinking selfishly there too, not sister would move her children in and leave mum and dad homeless.

What an awful situation you all find yourself OP. Before your FiL hands over £90k to his daughter when his house sale completes he must see a solicitor. The plan to build the cabin in the garden has too many flaws for his security i feel.

If he hasn't exchanged on his sale yet he can drop out and put it back on the market when SiL finds a house. She will have to wait for the money till then.

What also concerns me is that once the money has been handed over and he needs it for a care home his daughter may be forced by the council to sell her new home to fund his fees.

Have u had change to speak to fil today after he picked up your son

If the SIL is perfectly happy for him not to give her the 90K but for your FIL to buy a property that is not on site but local her (because of course she doesn't need the larger property if he's not building on site) then those of us who are currently suspicious of her motives will have egg of our faces. I'd gladly accept that outcome.

If she goes ballistic this crazy plan has been scarpered, then you'll know whether she's well-intentioned or not. It's that simple.

There is no good reason for him to build a lodge on her land.

This is horrible... he is still alive.

I hope that when I died my children would me more concerned about losing me than the money left behind. Gross...

Also he's gifting you 25k and you are grumping and moaning about what he spends HIS hard earned money on... stop the world... I'd like to get off 🙈