Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

Sounds to me like your FIL has been very easily persuaded (or even coerced ?) by a daughter and her mean-sounding partner who he rarely sees and who have actually shown little care towards to him since his wife died.
To me, they sound like the grabby ones not you.
He’s also obviously been persuaded to keep the plan a secret until his house was sold. This tells me you are right not to trust them, and not to ignore the alarm bells now ringing out. How do you know that SIL herself isn’t being coerced by her partner if you rarely see them ?
As a matter of urgency, secure sound legal advice on every aspect of this dodgy idea.
Is FIL really happy to be going along with it or could it be that he would be relieved that you help him put a stop to this run away train once you spell out the legal and financial implications to him and before it’s too late?
If he insists on leaving his own area, then a small flat where you could at least visit him and stay overnight would be better for him surely.
At 65 he is still young enough to enjoy life and have autonomy. But it sounds as though he does need help in looking at alternatives to his daughter’s grabby plan.

This sounds like a very very bad plan. I think I'd ask him over and have a really good chat about how this all came about and what he envisages his life looking like. He might like the idea of his DD looking after him, but he's young, might have another 30 years, and who knows what will happen? He's just sold his biggest asset and is about to blow the whole lot. Seems crazy.

Ah - 65! Apologies for the 'old man' comment - still, he may well be emotionally vulnerable after the death of his DW.

65 is very young to be making this kind of move for care. He could have a good 10-15 years independent living in him. At his age my parents set up a new business! Depends on his state of health obviously.

My concern is that this is being done to avoid SIL having to pay inheritance tax and for their financial benefit rather than your father’s.

Given her lack of interface with him, I’d think the chances of them shipping him off to a home when the time comes are fairly high.

This sort of post infuriates me.

The poor bloke isn't dead yet and you're already arguing over who is 'entitled' to what.

You and your DH are not 'entitled' to ANYTHING! It's his money to do with as he wishes. Perhaps he'd rather be closer to your SIL and her family. Maybe ask yourself why that is.

You need to go in hard NOW, if he hasn't exchanged contracts already OP, then he can pull out.

For his sake, sod the sister, you must make him get proper legal advice.

This isn't about inheritance, it's about keeping him safe.

@DoubleTweenQueen

Ah - 65! Apologies for the 'old man' comment - still, he may well be emotionally vulnerable after the death of his DW.

I'm glad you said that, @DoubleTweenQueen. I was looking forward to telling my 65yo husband, just in from a 10k walk, ran 15k yesterday, 5k the day before, etc etc that he is now officially an old man.

I have few words of wisdom for the OP, but I wish you luck. Tricky situation. I hope you've changed some identifying details as otherwise this is very outing.

@giao

You need to go in hard NOW, if he hasn't exchanged contracts already OP, then he can pull out.

For his sake, sod the sister, you must make him get proper legal advice.

This isn't about inheritance, it's about keeping him safe.

^ This

A bungalow in a retirement village or simular near SIL would be more ideal.
Cabins are waste of money.
As they only meet once a year is he really sure he want to move there even though he never stayed over? Not familiar so odd.
Yes definitely worthwhile to get legal advice for future proofing.

I honestly think it's a bit shameful to look at a man spending his own money as 'skewing the will'. What is the world coming to.
Sounds like dear sis will be looking after her dad and if she's happy to do that and the man is happy to give her more money then so be it. Your DH is being given 25k which isn't exactly pocket money.
I get that DH is unhappy that there wasn't more of a talk around it but you've said yourself that he and dear sis don't talk so it doesn't sound like the type of family who would have family meetings.

Leaving your inheritance worries aside I think it sounds a bit dodgy. It would be much better if he bought a retirement place really near either his DS or DD.

How would buying the house work - in whose names would it be. Because if he gives your SIL money to buy a house with her partner (who is unpleasant) they could easily throw him out.

I think he needs some proper legal and financial advice here about how best to do what he wants to do and safeguard his money for his own future (including care needs etc)

OP,

Your FIL is 65, not old.

He is determined to make a lot of stupid mistakes.

He sold his house in 5 days?
Unbelievable. Sounds like he has been set up.

He has done all of this behind your husbands back.

He is now going to hand over most of his money to his daughter.

He wants to move in for anything up to 12 months.

Your FIL was well able to keep his plans quiet for months.

Very shrewd of him.

Your FIL needs a dose of plain speaking.
All of these hurt feelings are preventing the truth being spoken.

He needs legal advice.

What could well happen is, he hands over his money, is used for childcare, not included with family life as his daughter's partner doesn't like him.

If he finds he hates life up there, he's being treated badly, what happens?

All his money in THEIR house.

Does he ask to move home to your home with no money.

Can he really be that stupid?

He has been well able to keep his plans quiet.
I would NOT have him moving in, under any circumstances.

Forget about the inheritance in terms of your husband.

It sounds like his daughter is planning on pulling a fast one.

The question is, what happens to him if it doesn't work out.

Because it sounds like it's going to go tits up, and he will be looking for a room in your home.
YOU will be the one nursing him, if necessary and his daughter will have his assets that should have made his future comfortable.

Is he privately thinking I'll move in with son if things go wrong?.

There is no way I would be giving him my childs bedroom for up to a year.

He needs the reality of his situation laid out.
He needs to move up to the daughter.

Once she has his money, she's in no rush for him to move up there.

Don't be used.
He's not infirm.

He's been well able to make his plans and deliberately keep you in the dark.

@giao Yes! And once done, cannot be undone - we don't want your FIL to find himself isolated and unhappy/regretful.

If he does think it worth looking into, he should hold off his house sale and rent somewhere near SIL for a few months - see how he feels then?

It's not anyone's inheritance!
It's your dfil's money and he's spending it on himself.
He's said he's giving your dh a generous gift but I wouldn't be surprised if he's only saying that to soften the situation. I will bet that the money will be needed by him and no longer available.
Never rely on or make plans with anyone else's money unless it is already in your bank account. Especially hoped for future inheritance. Make your own.

Ah jeez he only 65 nah ignore my comment about bungalow retirement village.
This is getting scary like elderly abuse but not that old yet so in line with financial abuse.
Please do intervention it so alarming.
Why not downsize in same area he living in.

You do need to find out if contracts have been exchanged to buy time.

Have you also considered that your sister-in-law will need at least 3 months in her new job to secure a bigger mortgage, then if she finds a property immediately that's another 3 months for the sale to go through and then the cabin building time. I reckon it will be 9 months to a year.

After giving all this money will your FIL be on the deeds for the new house? If not his daughter can terf him out or not let him move in. And if he is the local authority can put a charge on it so they can recover costs if he needs care.

He definitely needs to take legal advice.

How old are your DC op?

It does seem like a slap in the face to decide to live with his daughter who he only sees once a year when you say you've done so much for him. Unless he thinks you've had him for 4 years since his DW passed away and now thinks he should spend some time with his daughter and other grandchildren.

At 65 you are all a bit premature earmarking £250k as “inheritance “

Let him do what he wants, if it does not work out here can move again.

It’s HIS money.

Start saving for your DC university funds yourself ASAP

@ThornAmongstRoses

If he only sold his house in Saturday. Its not too late to change his mind.

It was almost two months ago that he sold it, but you’re right, I suppose there’s still time to change his mind? Or is there? Does he have to legally follow it through once he’s accepted an offer?

OP, l really don't want to seem rude but you come across as quite clueless about all of the practicalities and legal and financial implications of what he is doing. It's really important for him to get legal and practical advice.

Until he has exchanged contacts he can stop the sale. You all seem to be sleepwalking through this just thinking about some hypothetical inheritance when there is far more actually at stake here.

I work in the financial services, specifically with over55s and I am always amazed at how many people wish to deny their parents a relaxing and comfortable lifestyle because they are banking on getting a huge sum of inheritance. Like they’re just waiting for their parents to die. It’s gross 🥵

I think a retirement village is actually a good idea. There are plenty now that are all independent living but also provide community activities and spaces. Good for someone on their own who wants company.

It’s very grubby and morbid to be spending a relatives money when they aren’t even dead. If my mum wants to spend her money having a comfortable life then good on her.

How embarrassing for you to be acting so greedy over money that isn't yours!!! I hope he builds the nicest cabin of all time a spends every penny. It's his money and he can do whatever he wants!