Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

I clicked YANBU because I read all of your posts and it does seem like this situation is messed up and, regardless of how it was phrased in the OP, I would also be concerned about this situation.

So many things are weird about it. I would certainly want to understand where he got this idea from.

Here is what I am wondering: did SIL convince him to move into her garden in the cabin because he would have somewhere to leave and it couldn't be sold to pay for a care home? Maybe she convinced him he was protecting his assets this way? Which she could have pitched, in principle, as a way to safeguard both hers and your DHs inheritance (doubt it.) I can see why your DH feels wronged because 1) He doesn't trust his sister or her partner 2) From this standpoint, she gets a great big house (now) and maybe some time in the future he gets....? What, exactly? If SIL owns it all. See, I think this is why FIL felt he had to throw your DH a bone, so to speak, with the 25 grand. It's actually the FIL that has created the inheritance complication by offering DH any money NOW as opposed to in the will, as usual, and behaving as would be more usual considering thta he's alive and well and keeping all of the money to himself to live his life as he pleases. It feels like he is aware that any inheritance is not going to be clear cut at all. The 90 grand becomes a gift, in effect, plus your SIL will own the property too (and any capital gains.)

This sounds like it has the potential to shore up A LOT of problems for the future. If your SIL and her partner are as is written here, you could have a FIL that is not well cared for and has no further financial means to do so.

I'd be trying to have some sort of discussion with FIL about getting this on the right footing legally with SIL. But I don't envy you or your DH. What a to-do.

Due to the secrecy of this, I suspect SIL and her partner are grabby and it is purely a ruse to get his money. Your DH needs to insist that a solicitor is involved to put part of SIL's house (FIL's share of it) in trust for his care. I bet she'll quickly change her mind once she realises it's not going to be a free big house after all. Either that or they'll go through with the purchase and when FIL needs care, he will shipped back to you two without a penny. This is going to be one heck of a shit show.

Oh my he needs some legal advice, a lot to consider here as your SIL and her other half could be forcing this ....its very quick and i think he needs to at least slow down and think things through...more at stake that just your husband not getting what he sees as his dues...

From what I've read, FIL moves in with you. He gifts £90k to SIL to buy a bigger house. He puts £120k in an account for her to buy a cabin. Then he continues to live with you until the mythical cabin is built...

She gets a bigger house, never builds the cabin, and FIL lives with you forever.

This ^ absolutely. I don't understand why you or your DH are reluctant to talk about it, this could be your life for the next ++++ years.

Personally I'd tell him it just isn't fair to completely disrupt your family for an unknown number of months (years?) but that you understand if he wants to move nearer the sea and his daughter and you'll help him find somewhere (I'd love to be a fly on the wall when your SIL hears about that.....). We're currently involved in elderly dementia care with PIL and frankly £25 000 plus no stress would be a dream come true.

But that isn't going to happen for you if you agree to him staying.

DoubleTweenQueen. Yes! And once done, cannot be undone - we don't want your FIL to find himself isolated and unhappy/regretful.

I’ve been worried about this from the start. He doesn’t really have many friends outside of his work (he’s put in for his retirement) and most of his social life revolves around our family. We holiday together, frequently go on day trips together (pre-covid), he spends every Saturday going to the football/rugby with my DH, and as part of our bubble he comes over for dinner twice a week.

I am so worried that he’s going to get up there, be banished to his Cabin unless he’s providing childcare, being made to feel unwelcome by SIL’s partner and being incredibly lonely. I can’t bear the thought of it

I've been thinking about this post all day. I do think your husband ought to sit down and chat with him. Explain that it may not work out well, its not too late to change his mind. Your husband could offer to show him some retirement villages, perhaps that would suit him better?

There’s been lots of threads recently about inheritances and then when you read the posts there everyone is still alive . It actually makes me feel sick.

I would fear for your fathers safety. Your sil has never taken an interest in her father and her husband openly despises him. Elder abuse is a real thing.

Please try to persuade your dad to rethink this ridiculous plan.

@Twisty333

How embarrassing for you to be acting so greedy over money that isn't yours!!! I hope he builds the nicest cabin of all time a spends every penny. It's his money and he can do whatever he wants!

What if he changes his mind in 3 years and then needs or wants the money for something else or another property? Do you think he'd be able to access it in the situation proposed?

If he is adamant on the plan then at least take him to see a solicitor to do this the right way, a share in the bigger house, so if hes unhappy and leaves, she has to sell it and release his money.

If he sold his house 2 months ago, is he still living there because the process hasn’t been finalised?

What do you think he would say if you offered him the exact same plan with you moving to a larger house and then building a cabin? He could be very vulnerable financially in the future if the sisters partner actively dislikes him and they separate. I think your husband needs to phone his sister and discuss it with her and possible pitfalls with future care/ house purchase/ planning etc. This is not to undermine his father but if his father gives her the money she becomes entirely in charge of the timeline, planning etc and then all decisions will be up to her. It is vital to do this before any money changes hands. Focus less on the immediate housing issue and more on the long term details. Also might be handy to look up some affordable nice flats, bungalows near you and near your SIL he really needs to clarify all his options before giving away £250K. Better to fall out verbally now than to end up with an enmeshed financial disaster in the future. We had a relative who did this on my husbands side they ended up with an amazing house and the father only lived another two years and the other children were furious. It was also a relative who had spent the least time with her dad in the years before. Your FIL might not be scared or old but he might be making major decisions in his life alone for the first time in many years which can feel abit overwhelming. If he does the ‘looks like it might be a disaster’ face again maybe tell him there is no rush to make any major decisions immediately and maybe he should some time to look at other options.

He'd be better off buying a property in Skegness and looking at Rightmove wouldn't need to spend much of the house sale proceeds. The way this is being done is only benefiting one person and it's not your FIL.

I do wish people would read the thread before posting. This is about a 65 year old man giving up all his assets and independence, because he doesn't understand the implications of what he's doing.

It's not about inheritance.

@bashfulClam But would you happily wave her off to make decisions which might backfire very badly or where there was a suspicion of cohersion, or even where theres a good chance the OPs family might be the ones to pick up the pieces if all goes wrong. Indeed they are already being asked to do more than most on here would countenance in housing FIL for an indefinite period of time. The lost inheritance is the least of the issues here

He doesn’t need a retirement village. If he wants to go and live by the coast why would he limit himself to Skegness
He could go anywhere and have his own home.

Where is your FIL currently living OP?

@ThornAmongstRoses

If he only sold his house in Saturday. Its not too late to change his mind.

It was almost two months ago that he sold it, but you’re right, I suppose there’s still time to change his mind? Or is there? Does he have to legally follow it through once he’s accepted an offer?

No not if he hasn’t exchanged. And if he has exchanged, he’d be liable to pay 10% of the purchase price to buyers and solicitors fees etc.

@Twisty333

How embarrassing for you to be acting so greedy over money that isn't yours!!! I hope he builds the nicest cabin of all time a spends every penny. It's his money and he can do whatever he wants!

How embarrassing for you to have not read the thread and understand the risk to the op and her fil if this isnt done properly.

@ThornAmongstRoses

So he wasn’t even honest. Don’t feel obligated to house him, he has money he can use. He may not like that idea, but that’s his problem.

No - and I think that hurts DH too.

To accommodate FIL my children are going to have to surrender their playroom and I’m having to surrender my office. It’s not like he’s easily slipping in and it just hurts that this is being asked of us for an indefinite length of time whilst God knows what SIL is doing.

Then don't! Tell him now. 'Wait a sec. You said it was going to be until you found a house to live in, not until SIL gets off her arse, sells her own house, finds another to buy, gets planning permission for this cabin which won't get permission and builds that, too. That could be way more than a few months. We don't have that kind of space. You need to find a place to rent then.'

And mean it.

How old are your DC op?

8 and 4. They are going to miss their sleepovers at Grandad’s house

We haven’t told them yet that their grandad is moving away. Obviously the 4 year old isn’t old enough to fully be aware of everything but the 8 year old will be upset.

SIL’s children are 5 and 18 months, and due to living arrangements FIL has never really seen them or get to know them, so I’m sure that’s another reason (understandably) why he wants to go up there.

@theleafandnotthetree but originally the question was posed around spending the FILs money further down the road.

OP, YANBU to be concerned. Yes, it's FIL's money and he's still alive and can use it as he sees fit, but I think it's shabby of him to go back on what he's always promised. He has to know that this decision of his will cause tension in the family, and I'd find that harder to accept than the loss of the originally-intended inheritance.

On top of essentially taking away the bulk of your husband's inheritance, he's also putting your family into the awkward position of housing him for months (who knows how long, really) right at the time when your husband could probably use a little distance to come to terms with this bombshell. I think it's selfish of FIL. He should have at least discussed it with your son beforehand, since clearly he had been talking about it for a while with SIL. The fact that he didn't mention his plans until after the house was sold suggests that he knows what he's doing is unfair and wanted to put off talking about it for as long as possible.

Not RTFT but OP if I were you I'd start a new thread and re frame your AIBU.

I really feel for your FIL and that your SIL is pulling a fast one.

Where is your FIL currently living OP?

Still in his house. He’s coming to us at the end of April. A lot of his belongings are already in our loft - thankfully there’s room for that.