Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

When FIL talks about this plan sometimes I get the impression he knows it’s a disaster but he’s too scared to back out and so puts on a front about how wonderful it’s going to be

That's not unknown, OP, and sorry for sounding like a stuck record, but is yet another reason to get proper advice

Looking on the bright side, you can all pass it off as "the lawyers said no" if you want to avoid further ructions ... though SIL's response might well be interesting

I get your husband's upset. It is a very fundamental point that children want to be treated fairly from the moment they are old enough to argue about it.

Your husband should say once that he isn't happy about it and should encourage his Dad to take legal advice, independent from his sister. He can't do more than that and it is absolutely ok to say he doesn't like it. What would be wrong would be to keep on saying so.

I’m fifty two, I don’t need my daughter to sit down and go through the legal implications of decisions I make unless I specifically ask her to, because I have my marbles. I would suggest this man is the same in the absence of further information from the op.

I'd ask question to make sure any family member has thought things through with big life decisions- probaly not too probing unless I had real concerns and they are perfectly entitled to tell me to but out.

However here the OP is being impacted - her FIL is expecting to live with her for an undefined amount of time which will have an impact on her. So I think asking some questions at very least about timeframes is very reasonable and to question why quicker options like renting or buying own place aren't being considered.

Poor man is just trying to live his life. Meanwhile everyone he loves wants his money.

When FIL talks about this plan sometimes I get the impression he knows it’s a disaster but he’s too scared to back out and so puts on a front about how wonderful it’s going to be
Then surely you owe him to talk about it.

You need to live out any discussion of inheritance and just discuss, very very gently, his own security. For a start, what would happen if SIL and her partner were to divorce/separate.

Can I also say, as someone who has gone through similar issues with regard to sibling being unhappy about our arrangement abd needing to sort legal issues- find a solicitor who deals with this sort of issue. There are lots of intricacies that I hadn’t considered.

Though in our case, the property our parents moved into was owned by us, outright, long before they moved in. When they moved in, we paid for central heating system/boiler overhaul and painting/new carpets throughout. We also converted one bathroom to a wet room. My parents paid for a new kitchen (mum did not like old one, though it was in good condition), fitting of a range cooker and a sun room to be added. They paid for those things as they wanted them, but they weren’t necessary. My brother was furious because it increased the value of the cottage and “that’s not fair”. The fact is, my parents wanted to do that abd we couldn’t afford to do it at the time they moved in. There is a legal agreement entitling them to live there for the duration of our ownership of the property/long notice etc. But there were lots of issues to consider, more so in your FIL case as he will own the cabin and not the land it sits on (I doubt mortgage would allow him to have an interest in the house), and legal advice was really important so we all knew where we stood. My brother is an arse, so we all just ignore his outrage about his inheritance being diminished/me getting more than him.

SIL sees him once a year and she lets her partner treat FIL awfully

{hmm]

So no, I doubt very much that he thinks she will care for him

So for pity's sake, who does he think will care for him when the time comes?? Especially when his money's already been spent on their house/his cabin??

One thing's for sure ... this is no longer just about an inheritance

My BiL and SiL (H's family) told H's mum that they had to sell their house as it was too expensive, and they'd then have nowhere live so of course they moved into her house. She provided support with childcare for a few years then they suggested that she might be better moving out, so she moved into sheltered accommodation and they got the house. I've heard this time and time again; one child who has never shown any real interest in parent's welfare suddenly has a great idea; child who has always been close to parent is edged out, uninterested child fleeces parent.

This a car crash OP, but your DH is making it your car crash. All this about not upsetting the father etc., clearly he's making bad decisions and your DH is enabling him. But hey, he's 65 - he's not frail and confused. Get your DH to put the case to him that he needs to take legal advice - you might find that the solicitor is very frank with him about the poor decisions he's made and is making and maybe that will give him a wake up call. Otherwise I can guarantee that sooner or later you will find SiL has taken everything and FiL is back living with you.

If he only sold his house in Saturday. Its not too late to change his mind.

He's expecting you to disrupt your lives to take him in on an indefinite basis. I'd have some questions about the details. Kindly of course.

Eg "I'm sorry you didn't discuss with us first we would have loved to share your plan"
And go from there.
But you don't want to find him living with you for the rest of your lives.

So for pity's sake, who does he think will care for him when the time comes?? Especially when his money's already been spent on their house/his cabin??

I think it’s something he needs to consider because if he thinks SIL will give up her job to care for him then he’s going to be disappointed.

This one's impossible to opine on, even with OP having added quite a few clarificatory posts.

At one end of the spectrum - the FIL moves to the coast, likes it, as time goes by ends up getting a number of years worth of care from SIL & her husband - everyone's a winner/gets .

At the other end of the spectrum - FIL moves to the coast, doesn't like it much, even then he gets kicked out into a care home/kicked out onto the street at the first sign of losing the first of his marbles or simply when the SIL gets sick of him.

The likeliest scenario is somewhere between the two.

My gut instinct is that this all sounds at least moderately bad/unfair, but, really it's hard to say conclusively.

I smell fish and it's got nothing to do with Skegness.

Your FIL would be well advised to seek legal opinion and make a will at very minimum.

He's got some unrealistic timescales in his head if nothing else. Even if his DD found a house, offered and was accepted today, you can easily be looking at 3 months before she moved in. The size of cabin he's thinking about will need planning permission and that's not guaranteed and again will take 3 months to sort out. Talking round figures he's not moving into a cabin in his DD garden until November and trust me that's no time to be moving to Skeggie. And he needs a fall back plan in case, after he's given his DD £90k, they can't get planning permission for the cabin.

I think the idea of him renting in Skeggie (a place for which I have some affection) would be an really good idea. Living on the coast, especially the North Sea coast is not a bed of roses. Born and brought up on the coast, I can't stand the constant wind, and my home town isn't as exposed as Skeggie. Like other posters, know of many people who retired to the coast after spending a few weeks a years there and they couldn't hack it.

Money and inheritance aside your DH needs to sit his Dad down and taking through the need for legal advice, a will and a better handle on the timescales. And if he's looking to you for accommodation during that (at minimum) 6 month period, you need to come to some agreement about sharing expenses, even if it's just for food.

If he only sold his house in Saturday. Its not too late to change his mind.

It was almost two months ago that he sold it, but you’re right, I suppose there’s still time to change his mind? Or is there? Does he have to legally follow it through once he’s accepted an offer?

Does FIL need to move his life so far away? Can't you do the same arrangement closer to yourselves and where his life is established? I think an open conversation would be a good idea

www.norwegianlog.co.uk/log-homes/kelso

Is he aware of how much a fully fitted one bed log cabin costs (£40,000 for the kit rising to £74,000 fully kitted out and erected). He won’t have much left to contribute to the house purchase.

Bloody hell, I just read the bit about him being 65!! That's no age these days. He could live for years and years.

It's a terrible idea, you need to speak to him OP.

And read up on Martin Lewis about uni fees … it's never a good idea to pay them for your kids, even if you're loaded.

@NettleTea Summarises the pitfalls very clearly. I personally I would also consider @Inertia suggestion.

At the end of the day it is your FIL's choice but I think a honest discussion regarding the legalities needs to be had. Also your FIL has been secretive and changed the goal post. I would let him stay but only whilst he sorts out rented accommodation near SIL so 8 weeks. Do not let your FOLKS stay be open ended.

Auto correct should read 'do not let your FIL's stay be open ended'.

Depends how far the sale has gone. Has he exchanged contracts?

So FIL is not 100% about the whole thing? Has he been coerced? For me, it's not the money so much as the complete upheaval for an old man. You must have the conversation - as gently as you can.
Has he exchanged on his house sale yet? Does he want to leave his home and memories of his DW?

Has your FIL ever lived with SIL? What if it doesn't work out? He definitely needs legal advice on that. My parents had a friend who moved in with her daughter and her daughter's dh. She put up half the money to the house and they ended up making her life hell. She had to move out and live with my parents as she didn't have any money left. It was a horrible situation and required a lot of legal work to get it sorted out when she could eventually buy a really small place. She lost a lot of money through it, and her relationship with her daughter.

I very much believe that no one has the right to inheritance, however, i can see why this situation is causing some stress.
I would be asking why sil suddenly has interest in her df...is it solely based on her getting a bigger house...what will happen when your fil perhaps needs round the clock care in older age...and also, who will own the cabin, will it belong to sil because if that is the case your fil is putting himself in a very vulnerable situation..
If fil wants to be closer to his dd he should buy a house independantly closer to her...i would think if that was suggested sil might not be as keen

Does SIL have form for being a CF? Do you think she might take the cash and then never move so she has cash lump sum and your FIL is left with you? Or will he only hand it over to her on the day of exchange of contracts?
How long will she need to be in her new job before she can raise a mortgage against her salary? It's unlikely they will accept if from day, but I'm not sure.
As far as I can see, if there is anything dodgy going on, it will all be stopped in its tracks if you say no to him moving in. It means your dad will have to deal with the reality of moving over there knowing only your SIL, leaving all his friends.
Could he rent his house out for 6 months and then rent near SIL to see if he likes it?
All my instincts are screaming you should not get involved in this - it's up to FIL and SIL to sort it out; you should not agree to providing accommodation to him for an undefined period.

Sometimes the right and most loving thing IS to speak up and not allow people we love to make what at the very least questionable or hasty decisions. Love isn't always about just accepting whatever the other person wants, it is surely a more active thing than that and an element of risk is part of that. I for example have been very upfront with one of my siblings about some of the behaviours I observed from her partner. It was a risk, I might have lost or alienated her, but I loved her too much to just go along to get along. In this case the 'lost inheritance' is a complicating factor and that shouldnt be part of any conversation. The focus should be on ensuring the fathers financial wellbeing and solid living arrangements into the future. Legal advice is a minimum at this point

Ok from your more recent posts about how SIL is horrible to FIL and you can’t ever see SIL caring for him then I think your dh needs to voice his concerns to his dad.