AIBU to be expected to pay full adult cost for each of my kids on a short break

[Sadie1975]

Bit of background: I come from a close family (brother and sister and me) and whilst they had children quite young, I was mid-thirties by the time my first came along.

Over the last 28 years (since I was 18) whenever we have all gone out as a family, costs were always split between all the adults in attendance and I've never had an issue with this. So e.g. 8 adults out for dinner with 4 kids and meal is split 8 ways (or 4 ways per couple). This even continued to when their kids were older and having 3 course adult meals...

Now their children are all grown up and mine are young, I had thought the precedent for this was set and tbh we do mostly split the cost of meals between the adults although I always pay a proportion for my kids and they always accept the money

Anyway we're looking to go away as a family for Xmas. 9 adults will be there and my 3 children. The cost of the accommodation however has been split 12 ways and we are expected to pay 5 lots. So cost of house is £2,250 and £187pp - so £375 per couple but we are expected to pay £937...

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at this? I know 3 days away is not the same as a meal out and I have said I would happily pay a proportion for my 3 kids (like £225 per portion so we'd pay £675 and each couple pays £450) but the difference of £562 seems too much! Obviously there will be food and booze on top of this cost so all told we'll probably be paying £1200-1300 for 3 nights away when I feel we could pay that for a hotel room where we get breakfast included and someone else making our beds...!

I have raised this with my sister and have been made to feel like I'm the one who's out of order but I really don't think I am, so now I feel like not going which will only serve to upset my kids

Split by room and have your Youngest DC in with you. That’s the only reasonable way of doing it.

And insist that since everyone is paying same on rooms everyone has same dibs on each room - watch your sister try and claim kids have less rights to a nicer room when she has insisted they pay the same

We always split by adult. My mum gets very annoyed about ‘single’ tax when bills are split but happily pays the same as me for a whole room when I get half.

@PegasusReturns

Split by room and have your Youngest DC in with you. That’s the only reasonable way of doing it.

And insist that since everyone is paying same on rooms everyone has same dibs on each room - watch your sister try and claim kids have less rights to a nicer room when she has insisted they pay the same

Just splitting by rooms isn't really that fair when it's been split essentially by couples, ignoring the kids, for the last dozen years or more. My ideal way is a bit convoluted - find an equivalent house with enough rooms for just the adults, split the cost of that equally, and use the price difference between the 2 houses to calculate the additional cost per child. But it's a moot point. What is fair for one year in isolation isn't the same as what's fair when there is a decade or more of precedence, and when the only thing that's changed is who is subsidising whom.

Different numbers of kids can swing things - I wonder if neither of your siblings, OP, have that 3rd child to factor in. But suddenly tripling your costs while everyone else's goes down seems bonkers. I think you are playing into their hands by being too polite to mention the niece paying more thing. To me it simply points out the unfairness in a way they might find easier to relate to.

Say : “there’s no way we can justify spending £940 on three nights self catering accommodation. By the time we factor in food and petrol we’ll be looking at close to £2k for a weekend. We will stay in a b&b nearby instead / give it a miss“.

Or say “4-y-old will share our room, other 2 will have their own, so we will pay for 2 rooms”. Paying accomodation is way more expensive than food for meals out, and you’ve more DC, so I don’t think you should expect to pay nothing extra for the children. But they do sound like they’re taking the piss.

I would think the best room goes to grandparents just because they are the “odd couple out” in family relationships (ie 3 siblings, one set of grandparents). Otherwise draw straws in advance as a jokey way of settling it.

If you don't put your foot down about this now they'll take the piss out of you like this forever.

'That's too much money for a weekend away. We'll have to bow out.'

That's an unbelievable amount of money for a weekend away.

I always think these kind of big family gatherings tend to run their course a bit, for exactly these kinds of reasons.

Children grow up, and they may no longer be that keen to go, so parents say they'll pay for them, or somebody has kids and somebody doesn't, or whatever.

I'd be inclined to rethink the entire thing. It sounds like a fair bit of money to spend to go away with people that you see pretty often anyway.

Personally I'd prefer going away with just my siblings and not the wider group, but that's probably based on being dragged on loads of DH's family holidays which are tedious in the extreme!

They're taking the mick OP. And they know they are, which is why they got defensive when you brought it up. I think the only thing you can do is bow out because its out of your budget and leave it at that.

I think accommodation is very different to a share of a meal and would fully expect to pay per person or per room.

Don't go if you don’t want to pay for the children or stay somewhere else and meet up.

I think if there's a rule or practice that was implemented when your brother and sister's kids were young, then the same practice should be implemented now.

So no, you shouldn't pay adult prices for small kids, if they did not pay adult prices for their small kids.

I wouldn’t be paying that much, it feels like subsidising their break.

Just say its too expensive and you will find a cheaper property/hotel nearby and if questioned explain what has always happened previously and ask why the change now ?