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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be expected to pay full adult cost for each of my kids on a short break

136 replies

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 09:17

Bit of background: I come from a close family (brother and sister and me) and whilst they had children quite young, I was mid-thirties by the time my first came along.

Over the last 28 years (since I was 18) whenever we have all gone out as a family, costs were always split between all the adults in attendance and I've never had an issue with this. So e.g. 8 adults out for dinner with 4 kids and meal is split 8 ways (or 4 ways per couple). This even continued to when their kids were older and having 3 course adult meals...

Now their children are all grown up and mine are young, I had thought the precedent for this was set and tbh we do mostly split the cost of meals between the adults although I always pay a proportion for my kids and they always accept the money

Anyway we're looking to go away as a family for Xmas. 9 adults will be there and my 3 children. The cost of the accommodation however has been split 12 ways and we are expected to pay 5 lots. So cost of house is £2,250 and £187pp - so £375 per couple but we are expected to pay £937...

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at this? I know 3 days away is not the same as a meal out and I have said I would happily pay a proportion for my 3 kids (like £225 per portion so we'd pay £675 and each couple pays £450) but the difference of £562 seems too much! Obviously there will be food and booze on top of this cost so all told we'll probably be paying £1200-1300 for 3 nights away when I feel we could pay that for a hotel room where we get breakfast included and someone else making our beds...!

I have raised this with my sister and have been made to feel like I'm the one who's out of order but I really don't think I am, so now I feel like not going which will only serve to upset my kids

OP posts:

MissMoiselle · 22/03/2021 11:16

I don't think you're being U in not wanting to pay that amount of money for such a short break. Many PP have suggested for you to stay in a hotel or nearby B&B for cheaper. That would be a good option IMO. In my family, we always split costs per person (all nieces are grown ups) and if the parents (SIL and BIL) want to pay for their children, they do.

ChloeCrocodile · 22/03/2021 11:19

Our family tradition is that the cost of kids meals is split between the adults until they are eating off the adult menu. In shared accommodation children (u18 / still in school) count as half an adult. It isn't the same as a hotel because you aren't just paying for a room - you are also paying for a share of the living room / kitchen etc so splitting on a "per room" basis wouldn't be fair.

Cloudyrainsham · 22/03/2021 11:22

I think it’s a bit off but it largely depends on each families finances. We’d never do it in our family. As you’ve always paid for their kids meals without quibble I think I’d be a bit annoyed, yes.

MissMoiselle · 22/03/2021 11:30

Taking into account that the accommodation is £2250, I would suggest that your sister pays 750 (her room and her daughter's room), you pay 750 (your room and your 3 children in one room), your brother pays 375 and your parents pay 375. When it comes to payment of the meals during your stay, stick to the usual agreement of splitting costs between adults only. Would that work?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 22/03/2021 11:33

It needs to be split however it would've been split 10 years ago when your siblings had children and you didn't. What we think is fair is irrelevant; that's the family tradition and that's what should happen now.

Stop "suggesting" and being "made to feel" and be assertive!

00100001 · 22/03/2021 11:34

I wouldn't go...

when you're on the actual holiday, you're going to have the same issue regarding any shopping for food and drinks, as well as restaurants and ice creams ... and days out to a local place.... no doubt Sister or whoever will go "Oh I've booked us all parachute jump - OP you pay £400 please, beaucse you need to cover my adult a working offspring's costs... thanks!"

Original poster

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 11:35

[quote MissMoiselle]@Sadie1975 have you decided anything? Don't quite understand why so many rooms have been allocated to you/your family? Was this your decision or theirs? And why is your niece not paying for her room? Is she too young to pay her way or is this her mum not wanting to pay extra?[/quote]
A quick rundown on who would be going:

Me and DH + 3 kids
Grandparents
Sis & BIL
Niece & DH (they are 27 and in well paid jobs - not that this matters)
Niece (20 years old but currently unemployed)

The idea is all couples have rooms and 2 of my DC share and my third DC shares with my niece...hence us paying 5 portions if that makes sense?

We've left it for now and I will be speaking to my sister this week.

One part of me thinks fuck it we're not going but the other wants my kids to see all their family (who they love so much!) and have something to look forward to...

Another option is me saying my youngest will sleep in our room, my other two share a room and we pay for 2 rooms. But as I said above this would mean my niece having to pay for a room herself whereas she'd only pay half if sharing with my DC...

I know it sounds like I'm being a dick but for me its the difference in cost of £600 to what others are paying that's grated - along with me quite happily paying for their kids for years

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/03/2021 11:37

I’d say you don’t mind covering 2 rooms (you, DH, DC3) and (DC1 and DC 2) but you can’t afford more. They need to find a smaller property I think.

Original poster

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 11:37

@MissMoiselle

I love this idea and feel that this is the fairest way

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/03/2021 11:38

It’s unfair if 4 year old has to pay same as 20 year old even if sharing.

emmathedilemma · 22/03/2021 11:39

When we go away as a group of friends we used to just split the cost by adults when the kids were tiny and slept in travel cots and airbeds. Now they're older and need a bed each that's meant we've had to hire bigger houses with more bedrooms so the last time we time we went away we agreed the kids would pay half what the adults paid.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/03/2021 11:40

Maybe suggest under 12s half price as their rooms less likely to be posh!

Africa2go · 22/03/2021 11:43

After your update OP, surely its been divided by room. You need 2.5 rooms - so if there are 6 rooms, thats £375 per room and you're using 2.5 rooms??? That seems fair???

If you don't want to pay that much, then you should have gone with a smaller house and had the kids in you?

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 22/03/2021 11:58

You need a smaller cheaper house then. Tell whoever is organising that you only need two bedrooms for your family. Better still have a look online yourself and find some alternatives. You can't pay that much it's ridiculous.

Vodkabulary · 22/03/2021 11:59

@Africa2go I’m
Pretty sure the OP already said the property choice wasn’t hers and would have preferred a small one and that she was happy to have the youngest dc in with them but that would leave her 20yr old niece in a room alone and paying for it which is apparently unfair

SpamIAm · 22/03/2021 12:01

Honestly I wouldn't go with the current split of cost - it's a cheap weekend away fir everyone else but an expensive one for you. I just don't think it can work with that dynamic really.

I'd expect kids to pay half price or something along those lines. Something that results in you paying more than couples but not as much as you're currently expected to pay.

Original poster

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 12:03

@Africa2go

After your update OP, surely its been divided by room. You need 2.5 rooms - so if there are 6 rooms, thats £375 per room and you're using 2.5 rooms??? That seems fair???

If you don't want to pay that much, then you should have gone with a smaller house and had the kids in you?

I get that this seems fair BUT the rooms my kids would be in would be far inferior to a king size bedroom with en-suite bathroom and roll top bath....

Alternative accommodation is tricky as we would ideally want to be in the Norfolk area and the group have 2 dogs to accommodate ... there was one other alternative but it involved us sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room whilst paying 5 portions and my kids again in an inferior bunk bed room and my niece sharing her room...

It's not the cost per se, its the principle of us paying adult price for kids accommodation...

I do understand everyone is different however so happy to take on peoples view on this

OP posts:

Africa2go · 22/03/2021 12:05

[quote Vodkabulary]@Africa2go I’m
Pretty sure the OP already said the property choice wasn’t hers and would have preferred a small one and that she was happy to have the youngest dc in with them but that would leave her 20yr old niece in a room alone and paying for it which is apparently unfair[/quote]
But the OP is only saying that now, I think she says "I wish I'd have said the youngest could share, 4yr old in with us...." She obviously didn't say to start with, hence whoever organised it has looked for a 6 bed property and split the cost accordingly.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 22/03/2021 12:06

I do understand everyone is different however so happy to take on peoples view on this

But it's irrelevant how 'people' would split the cost of the holiday. Your family has been doing it a certain way for 28 years, and that shouldn't change because now it favours you instead of them. You should insist on doing it the same as you've always done it.

Pyewackect · 22/03/2021 12:07

You couldn'y pay me enough to spend 3 days with my extended family.

Floralnomad · 22/03/2021 12:08

If I got to the point where I was having to give it this much thought I would simply not be going .

tiredteacher100 · 22/03/2021 12:09

Can you find a nice 2 bedroom house nearby? I find large family trips so much easier if we are next door/ 5 minute walk away!

BungleandGeorge · 22/03/2021 12:12

Does your niece really want to share a bedroom with a 4 year old? I think generally these things are split by room. If the children’s room is small then you get the first choice of the other rooms to make up for it. I wouldn’t expect the adults to subsidise the kids accommodation. I’m confused about how many bedrooms there are though as you mention the kids sharing a small bunk room and also them having a room each?

SummerHouse · 22/03/2021 12:14

I would say the costs should be split 11 ways. You pay four.

This is a good compromise but still annoying that the goal posts changed in the previous 'kids go free' policy.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 22/03/2021 12:16

Yes it's not fair. Both in terms of the principle of it (children went free in the past for meals etc) but also if you split it out this way it just seems mad that you're considering paying so much more just to stay under the same roof. Ita possible to go on holiday with people and stay in separate houses or hotel rooms etc. I dont think it helps that there are more rooms than needed either and everyone is subsidising them as well.

I think I'd just say 'its £ x00 more than it would be if we were on our own, sharing a family room or with the kids sharing a bunk bed, and whilst we would love to be under the same roof, we can't really justify this money to do so, so let's to back to the drawing board' and then make a suggestion eg around a holiday village type place where you each rent what you need for the week and some people can share if they want to.

I don't think you should worry about your niece having to pay for a room all to herself though, it's not your job to work out arrangements to stop single people having to pay a single occupancy supplement etc. They are not showing you the same consideration

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