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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be expected to pay full adult cost for each of my kids on a short break

136 replies

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 09:17

Bit of background: I come from a close family (brother and sister and me) and whilst they had children quite young, I was mid-thirties by the time my first came along.

Over the last 28 years (since I was 18) whenever we have all gone out as a family, costs were always split between all the adults in attendance and I've never had an issue with this. So e.g. 8 adults out for dinner with 4 kids and meal is split 8 ways (or 4 ways per couple). This even continued to when their kids were older and having 3 course adult meals...

Now their children are all grown up and mine are young, I had thought the precedent for this was set and tbh we do mostly split the cost of meals between the adults although I always pay a proportion for my kids and they always accept the money Hmm

Anyway we're looking to go away as a family for Xmas. 9 adults will be there and my 3 children. The cost of the accommodation however has been split 12 ways and we are expected to pay 5 lots. So cost of house is £2,250 and £187pp - so £375 per couple but we are expected to pay £937...

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at this? I know 3 days away is not the same as a meal out and I have said I would happily pay a proportion for my 3 kids (like £225 per portion so we'd pay £675 and each couple pays £450) but the difference of £562 seems too much! Obviously there will be food and booze on top of this cost so all told we'll probably be paying £1200-1300 for 3 nights away when I feel we could pay that for a hotel room where we get breakfast included and someone else making our beds...!

I have raised this with my sister and have been made to feel like I'm the one who's out of order but I really don't think I am, so now I feel like not going which will only serve to upset my kids Confused

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 22/03/2021 09:41

Surely it should be split by number of rooms required? Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming that you’ve specifically requested various things that have led to you needing a more expensive property

wishywashy6 · 22/03/2021 09:41

Could you find a B&B/ hotel in the same location and meet up with them? I'm sure you could find a cheaper rate somewhere for 3 nights.

Lastbonestanding · 22/03/2021 09:45

Just say it is too expensive and you weren't intending on spending £1000 on the weekend.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 09:49

Just say you'll sort your own accommodation out and see them there

TheABC · 22/03/2021 09:53

If it feels unaffordable, don't go.

NeedaLittleNap · 22/03/2021 09:53

I think this is one of those things where you call it out "in public" straight away, you get a better result.

Don't stew, construct long winded arguments or tackle individuals. Go straight to the group and call them out on it succinctly. My bet is they will be too embarrassed to push it once you've pointed out you never expected them to stump up full price for their 4 year olds.

And possibly find a smaller house. It sounds like the underlying problem is that this one costs more than any of you want to pay.

Stanleyville · 22/03/2021 09:55

And wait until you get there and they give your kids the crappy rooms under eaves, small etc because they are kids, when you've paid a full share for their place. You would be subsidising their nice rooms.

I do think your family are being mean.

Easterbunnygettingready · 22/03/2021 10:04

Get there early and install your dc in the best en suite room..

DifficultBloodyWoman · 22/03/2021 10:09

@NeedaLittleNap

I think this is one of those things where you call it out "in public" straight away, you get a better result.

Don't stew, construct long winded arguments or tackle individuals. Go straight to the group and call them out on it succinctly. My bet is they will be too embarrassed to push it once you've pointed out you never expected them to stump up full price for their 4 year olds.

And possibly find a smaller house. It sounds like the underlying problem is that this one costs more than any of you want to pay.

This.

Email or WhatsApp or whatever everyone together. Say you had expected it to be split in x way because that is what you did in y. You can’t afford the cost for a z split which is unfair because if small children so you can’t come. Sorry, all.

Then wait and see if anyone proposes an alternative.

Although, I do think splitting food and accommodation is different and agree that a per room basis is better for accommodation.

Personally, if it isn’t a case of one person treating everyone, I think bill splitting apps are the way to go in a restaurant.

renallychallenged · 22/03/2021 10:10

I think you need to be upfront. Message the group and say "sorry I can't afford this on the basis you're suggesting. I thought our family tradition was to divide the costs equally between adults, as we did when x y & z were young. I can't afford to pay full price for my 4 year olds and so won't be able to join you this time"

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 10:12

Then tell them this property is too expensive, you assume you were splitting it by households as you always have but if you're doing it pp then you'll look for a chapter 6 bed

Original poster
Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 10:13

Gotta love a AIBU thread Grin

I agree about paying our bit but, as people have said above, there would be a distinct difference from a king size bedroom with an en-suite, to the tiny room with a bunk bed that my kids would be sharing...

I did message the group yesterday pointing out I think its a bit unfair but was made to feel like I was bringing up all the times I've paid for their kids over the last 28 years Confused

I also suggested that we just find our own accommodation close to wherever they decide to go but I know my parents would like us all together as its been such a horrible disjointed year for the whole family!

Thinking about it, I wish I had suggested my 4 year old coming in our room and then my other two sharing a room. I would then have been happy to pay 2 x room cost as many of you have suggested. This however would then leave my niece paying for one room herself as she doesn't have a partner and I no doubt think my sister would think this unfair...

All so painful when it should have been something fun for us to look forward to....if it had been few hundred quid I'd have not been that fussed but £600 extra compared to everyone else....well that's the kids Xmas presents paid for Confused

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 22/03/2021 10:13

Think I would divide it by the number of rooms that are being used? So if you're using 3 rooms, you pay 3 lots. Or stick to per person but under 12s are half price? What they've said is very expensive for a short break with small children. If you get nowhere, just say no thanks too expensive.

Easterbunnygettingready · 22/03/2021 10:15

Well you absolutely should bring up all the times their dc have had free holidays!!

Original poster
Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 10:15

@Easterbunnygettingready

Get there early and install your dc in the best en suite room..
Love this Grin
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 10:18

@Beautiful3

Think I would divide it by the number of rooms that are being used? So if you're using 3 rooms, you pay 3 lots. Or stick to per person but under 12s are half price? What they've said is very expensive for a short break with small children. If you get nowhere, just say no thanks too expensive.
But whoever has picked it has purposely picked a property with in excess of 8 rooms meaning the kids can have little box rooms each but could just as easily share a bigger one in a smaller house
Andrelaxagain · 22/03/2021 10:20

That sucks!

What was the response OP ?

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 22/03/2021 10:20

YANBU. Stick to your guns and split it the way it’s always been done, or this will be the new normal. As PP says, you need to make it clear to the group not your sister - you can’t ask someone else to make the challenge for you.

I wouldn’t go to the same location if it doesn’t work though, your children will feel they’ve missed out. I’d go somewhere completely different based on your children’s preferences.

AntigoneLost · 22/03/2021 10:20

This however would then leave my niece paying for one room herself as she doesn't have a partner and I no doubt think my sister would think this unfair...

Well, then your sister can subsidise your niece if she wants to! Not unfair at all IMO (and I’m writing from the perspective of someone who also doesn’t have a partner) - hotel rooms are generally priced per room not pp, so she’d have to pay in that situation.

ancientgran · 22/03/2021 10:20

I'd just tell them I wasn't going as it was too expensive for a weekend. If they want you to go they will work something out, if they aren't prepared to work something out why would you want a weekend away with them at any price.

ancientgran · 22/03/2021 10:22

I did message the group yesterday pointing out I think its a bit unfair but was made to feel like I was bringing up all the times I've paid for their kids over the last 28 years Why shouldn't you bring it up? Ask why the rules have suddenly changed for your kids.

user1493413286 · 22/03/2021 10:23

We do it by rooms so for our 3 kids and us we need 2 rooms whereas my sister and partner only need 1.

magicstar1 · 22/03/2021 10:24

I don't see why you wouldn't bring up that you've subsidised their kids for the past 28 years. It's the truth, and they should understand and reciprocate. I'd make a point of explaining it to them.

yoyo1234 · 22/03/2021 10:27

You could have a lovely child orientated long weekend away at that price. If it is too much say and don't go.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/03/2021 10:27

The house chosen has more rooms than we actually need and whilst my 3 kids would happily share a room or could be in with us, it would seem silly to do this if there are rooms available IYKWIM.

‘The house chosen...’ chosen by who? All of you, or your sister? I would find an alternative with fewer bedrooms and suggest going there instead, pointing out that your children can share and you really don’t need, or want, to pay for the extra rooms. If she says no, it has to be that house, I’d say you have a strong case to tell her that if she wants it, she needs to pay more.

This however would then leave my niece paying for one room herself as she doesn't have a partner and I no doubt think my sister would think this unfair...

Well it IS unfair - but it’s unfair that you’re paying out for extra rooms you don’t need. Maybe once your sister grasps that this could affect her daughter too, she’ll realise you’re getting a raw deal.