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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be expected to pay full adult cost for each of my kids on a short break

136 replies

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 09:17

Bit of background: I come from a close family (brother and sister and me) and whilst they had children quite young, I was mid-thirties by the time my first came along.

Over the last 28 years (since I was 18) whenever we have all gone out as a family, costs were always split between all the adults in attendance and I've never had an issue with this. So e.g. 8 adults out for dinner with 4 kids and meal is split 8 ways (or 4 ways per couple). This even continued to when their kids were older and having 3 course adult meals...

Now their children are all grown up and mine are young, I had thought the precedent for this was set and tbh we do mostly split the cost of meals between the adults although I always pay a proportion for my kids and they always accept the money Hmm

Anyway we're looking to go away as a family for Xmas. 9 adults will be there and my 3 children. The cost of the accommodation however has been split 12 ways and we are expected to pay 5 lots. So cost of house is £2,250 and £187pp - so £375 per couple but we are expected to pay £937...

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at this? I know 3 days away is not the same as a meal out and I have said I would happily pay a proportion for my 3 kids (like £225 per portion so we'd pay £675 and each couple pays £450) but the difference of £562 seems too much! Obviously there will be food and booze on top of this cost so all told we'll probably be paying £1200-1300 for 3 nights away when I feel we could pay that for a hotel room where we get breakfast included and someone else making our beds...!

I have raised this with my sister and have been made to feel like I'm the one who's out of order but I really don't think I am, so now I feel like not going which will only serve to upset my kids Confused

OP posts:
Tinydinosaur · 22/03/2021 10:27

Tell them. You're right. All these years the costs of children in the family has been shared between all the adults. But now that their children are adults and you have children. That rule no longer applies and the cost of children in the family is being shouldered by only the parents. You've paid a share of all their children's expenses and now it's time for them to do the same.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 22/03/2021 10:28

@magicstar1

I don't see why you wouldn't bring up that you've subsidised their kids for the past 28 years. It's the truth, and they should understand and reciprocate. I'd make a point of explaining it to them.
Yes - it's an opportunity for fairness. And if your siblings think your nieces and nephews shouldn't cover it then your siblings and their partners should chip in the extra amount for their children (your nieces and nephews).
Anydreamwilldo12 · 22/03/2021 10:30

This is taking the piss, what an awful family you have. How mean
I would pull out of the shared accommodation and point out that you have subsidised their kids for many years and are now very upset that they are not treating you the same way.
Stick to your guns or this will go on for years.

SwedishK · 22/03/2021 10:33

I would just split it in three, one third per family. Who sleeps where is irrelevant, you are all using the house.

ploomo · 22/03/2021 10:33

I'd say: 'That sounds lovely and we'd love to join you, but we don't have that sort of money to spend on three nights away at Christmas. Oh, for the days when we used to split the bills between the adults! We'll be very sad to miss you all but we'll see you before/ after Christmas and we know you'll have a wonderful time together.'

There's no shame in not being able to afford it, nor in pointing out that you've been subsidising their family for all those years. I was the single aunt who subsidised my siblings' children for years and I know just how you feel.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/03/2021 10:35

You say you paid for their kids meals and they partially pay for yours now.

Have you been away together before you had your kids? What were the arrangements then?

willibald · 22/03/2021 10:35

@Sadie1975

Gotta love a AIBU thread Grin

I agree about paying our bit but, as people have said above, there would be a distinct difference from a king size bedroom with an en-suite, to the tiny room with a bunk bed that my kids would be sharing...

I did message the group yesterday pointing out I think its a bit unfair but was made to feel like I was bringing up all the times I've paid for their kids over the last 28 years Confused

I also suggested that we just find our own accommodation close to wherever they decide to go but I know my parents would like us all together as its been such a horrible disjointed year for the whole family!

Thinking about it, I wish I had suggested my 4 year old coming in our room and then my other two sharing a room. I would then have been happy to pay 2 x room cost as many of you have suggested. This however would then leave my niece paying for one room herself as she doesn't have a partner and I no doubt think my sister would think this unfair...

All so painful when it should have been something fun for us to look forward to....if it had been few hundred quid I'd have not been that fussed but £600 extra compared to everyone else....well that's the kids Xmas presents paid for Confused

This is a hill I'd die on. That's a lot of money.

I'd hold my ground. And not go.

As Needs says, call them out, keep it simple and stick with it. No, that's unfair. Don't really care how you spin it. We're not going.

Your siblings are CFers.

Schoolchoicesucks · 22/03/2021 10:40

I think it would be more fair to split it 5 ways, so that your dsis & family pay 2/5, you & your family pay 2/5 and your parents pay 1/5.

Then your dsis can split her share between her and adult DC as she sees fit and you would obviously have to pay for your children.

That would mean £900 for you £900 for your dsis and £450 for your parents.

Would that fly as a compromise between just paying for the adults?

If you can't afford it, then you are better to say now than to stew....

Eddielzzard · 22/03/2021 10:41

was made to feel like I was bringing up all the times I've paid for their kids over the last 28 years

But that's exactly what you've done! You've subsidised their kids for years and now you've been lumbered with this extortionate bill! I would suggest only paying for 2 rooms with the 4 year old with you. Yes, niece will have to pay her own way, or maybe her mum could help her?

But I would make a stand because this IS unfair.

Africa2go · 22/03/2021 10:42

As a pp said, who chose the property?

If I understand your update, you've got a room for you, a room for your 4 yr old and then another 2 rooms for your other 2? So you've got 4 rooms for your family?

The other members of your family just have one room per couple / family, other than your neice who has her own room?

I think if you've got 4 rooms, you pay x4 more than the family using 1 room.

Its completely different to a meal - the cost of splitting a couple of kiddy meals or even a couple of adult meals between 8 adults or 4 couples is what, a tenner maybe? You're talking hundreds of pounds here so that your children can all have their own rooms for 3 nights. Not comparable.

PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 10:44

@Eddielzzard

was made to feel like I was bringing up all the times I've paid for their kids over the last 28 years

But that's exactly what you've done! You've subsidised their kids for years and now you've been lumbered with this extortionate bill! I would suggest only paying for 2 rooms with the 4 year old with you. Yes, niece will have to pay her own way, or maybe her mum could help her?

But I would make a stand because this IS unfair.

I agree. I'd make a stand on this one. If you don't on the big cost items you've got no chance of them seeing how unfair they are being on meals out etc.
Neonlightning · 22/03/2021 10:44

@Tinydinosaur

Tell them. You're right. All these years the costs of children in the family has been shared between all the adults. But now that their children are adults and you have children. That rule no longer applies and the cost of children in the family is being shouldered by only the parents. You've paid a share of all their children's expenses and now it's time for them to do the same.
100%
Poppercot · 22/03/2021 10:45

Another vote for splitting by rooms

Viviennemary · 22/03/2021 10:45

Meals out and holiday accommodation are not really the same as regards splitting costs. Holiday accommodation needs to be paid for by room I'd say.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 10:46

It sounds like 4 families here. The sister that is being pushy because of the niece obviously hasn't worked out that if it was split 4 ways her and her daughter would pay the same as they are per head 🤣

The ones who would pay more than the current arrangement would be the brother and the OPs dad.

Almost £200 more each.

GoWalkabout · 22/03/2021 10:47

Their problem to solve, you've stated your case.

LilMidge01 · 22/03/2021 10:48

This however would then leave my niece paying for one room herself as she doesn't have a partner and I no doubt think my sister would think this unfair...

Your niece is old enough to have a partner, presumably an adult, but expects her parents to pay for her room on holiday? That is an issue between your sister and her daughter, not you. But if she is an adult, going alone, having her own room then yeah of course she should contribute and pay for her own room.

Feel like maybe I've misunderstood though?

Original poster
Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 10:53

@WeAllHaveWings

You say you paid for their kids meals and they partially pay for yours now.

Have you been away together before you had your kids? What were the arrangements then?

There's been times we've been away but they've been so strangely calculated so there's not a like-for-like to compare - for example we all went away with my brother who also has grown up children but my kids were either in our room or sharing with their cousins (all boys) so we split between all the adults...another time we went away (pre-children) but the villa was via a relative of my BIL so we paid £450 as a thank you but I'm not sure how much (if anything) they paid as it was their relative...

I just know we've been for hundreds of meals over the years (any reason to celebrate Wine) and I've (happily!) paid for all my siblings kids but now I always offer to pay a proportion for my kids meals when we go out...

Sorry a bit rambly....Grin

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 22/03/2021 10:57

Could you book a premier inn or travel lodge nearby? For three nights you would probably pay around £250 for three nights including breakfast.

Your family could book somewhere smaller and you could head over after breakfast.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 22/03/2021 11:00

but now I always offer to pay a proportion for my kids meals when we go out...

Stop making those good will gestures and has become an entitlement. It was (inadvertently?) interpreted as a precedent and may have contributed to this.

LemonTT · 22/03/2021 11:00

I don’t know what stage this is at but it sounds like you have chosen a property some of you can’t afford or don’t want to pay for.

Decide on the exact number of rooms you want and the budget you can all pay for per room. There will be swings and roundabouts on room size but choosing the right property will reduce this.

I think the OP has made some erroneous assumptions and that is on her. Most adults I know would have agreed house size and budget before committing to anything.

But this is an easy situation to resolve of the family is close. If they aren’t then holidaying together isn’t worth it.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 22/03/2021 11:01
  1. Stop offering to pay a proportion of the kids’ meals.
  1. Decide if this proposed split is something that you
A) can afford to do this time AND forever in the future B) want to do now and in the future

If the answer is no to either of those, what are you going to do about it?

I understands you have already raised it and backed down. But if it is an issue, raise it again and let the chips fall where they may.

And don’t let them bully you about have subsidized them for 28 years. You did subsidize them. You can mention the past as precedent. If they don’t like it, they shouldn’t have accepted it at the time.

MissMoiselle · 22/03/2021 11:13

@Sadie1975 have you decided anything? Don't quite understand why so many rooms have been allocated to you/your family? Was this your decision or theirs? And why is your niece not paying for her room? Is she too young to pay her way or is this her mum not wanting to pay extra?

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 22/03/2021 11:13

Can you all have a Zoom chat face to face to discuss it all? Better than texts etc

MOTU · 22/03/2021 11:14

i always split holiday accommodation by beds, which seems fairest, so last time we went away with friends, one family with 3 kids chose to take a double room and a twin and made a camp bed on the floor for child 3 so they paid for 4 lots not 5, another single person didn't want to share a room so paid two lots...

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