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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be expected to pay full adult cost for each of my kids on a short break

136 replies

Sadie1975 · 22/03/2021 09:17

Bit of background: I come from a close family (brother and sister and me) and whilst they had children quite young, I was mid-thirties by the time my first came along.

Over the last 28 years (since I was 18) whenever we have all gone out as a family, costs were always split between all the adults in attendance and I've never had an issue with this. So e.g. 8 adults out for dinner with 4 kids and meal is split 8 ways (or 4 ways per couple). This even continued to when their kids were older and having 3 course adult meals...

Now their children are all grown up and mine are young, I had thought the precedent for this was set and tbh we do mostly split the cost of meals between the adults although I always pay a proportion for my kids and they always accept the money

Anyway we're looking to go away as a family for Xmas. 9 adults will be there and my 3 children. The cost of the accommodation however has been split 12 ways and we are expected to pay 5 lots. So cost of house is £2,250 and £187pp - so £375 per couple but we are expected to pay £937...

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at this? I know 3 days away is not the same as a meal out and I have said I would happily pay a proportion for my 3 kids (like £225 per portion so we'd pay £675 and each couple pays £450) but the difference of £562 seems too much! Obviously there will be food and booze on top of this cost so all told we'll probably be paying £1200-1300 for 3 nights away when I feel we could pay that for a hotel room where we get breakfast included and someone else making our beds...!

I have raised this with my sister and have been made to feel like I'm the one who's out of order but I really don't think I am, so now I feel like not going which will only serve to upset my kids

OP posts:

RestingPandaFace · 22/03/2021 12:16

Thinking about it, I wish I had suggested my 4 year old coming in our room and then my other two sharing a room. I would then have been happy to pay 2 x room cost as many of you have suggested. This however would then leave my niece paying for one room herself as she doesn't have a partner and I no doubt think my sister would think this unfair

You should absolutely do this. Why should you pay if she isn’t.

If they are going to change the rules on you at least change them so that it impacts everyone the same.

RestingPandaFace · 22/03/2021 12:22

If the want to split it per room then it would be 375 per room and I’d be clear that you don’t expect the kids to be shoved in a tiny room.

You and DH
3 kids
Grandparents
Sis & BIL
Niece & DH
Niece

Primeaddict · 22/03/2021 12:27

Wait, so this is further complicated by the need for accom that allows dogs?

I'd simply say, "to be fair, we should pay per room, I will need 2 rooms, so will pay for that only" but to be honest, it should also be considered who gets the nicer room. So I would probably also ask for that to be thought of. However, parents/grandparents should get that and I feel like no one should mind.

No way should you pay as they've suggested.

You've not chosen this accom BECAUSE of your children. You would be happy all in one room. So make that clear. If they still choose this accom, then split only between adults.

SpamIAm · 22/03/2021 12:28

If you do go ahead I'd ensure that any extra fee due to the dogs is paid fir by the dog owners of course.

Cassilis · 22/03/2021 12:28

It should be split on a per room basis.

If they've booked too many rooms, that's their fault, not yours OP.

You're effectively subsidising everyone's holidays, after subsidising theirs and theirs kids all those years.

I would have to back out, no way would I enjoy it when everyone is taking the piss.

LemonTT · 22/03/2021 13:01

@Cassilis

It should be split on a per room basis.

If they've booked too many rooms, that's their fault, not yours OP.

You're effectively subsidising everyone's holidays, after subsidising theirs and theirs kids all those years.

I would have to back out, no way would I enjoy it when everyone is taking the piss.

I disagree. The OP has agency in this. It is her responsibility if she did not confirm what her accommodation needs are or how much she was willing to pay for that accommodation.

She had agency to say, we only want two rooms and we will only pay X per room. Which is what most people do in this situation. If that meant there were no properties that suited them all then other options are available to holiday together.

The fact that other family members have made the same mistake in assuming things doesn’t make her any less responsible for her part.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/03/2021 13:10

@Sadie1975

Quite honestly we are not a money orientated family and I've always been more than happy covering the costs of my nieces and nephews when they were young - it just feels a lot of money for 3 days away...

You were covering the costs of your nieces and nephews in the past but they are growing up now and their parents should really have been covering their costs when they were out in the past anyway, not their aunt (unless it was only the aunt that was out with her niece/nephew at the time and the parents were elsewhere). So, now you realise that you've been covering their costs all this time, it's time to say enough already and perhaps couch the discussion that parents cover the costs for their kids and what they will be using and adult kids cover their own costs. It'll happen at some point that everyone will want to go away together (perhaps for a significant birthday or something) and you don't want to be paying for adult children when they could pay for themselves or their parents could. Just my 2c on the situation.

PferdeMerde · 22/03/2021 13:26

Haydugee · 22/03/2021 13:35

I agree with you OP, this division seems crazy. Who would expect a 4 year old to be charged the same as an adult?

I would find my own local accommodation (in a lovely hotel if you’re paying £300 per night).

Lookatthemshine · 22/03/2021 13:45

I totally sympathise - I was the last to have children in my family - my youngest is only two years older than my eldest Great nephew. I bought my (many) nieces and nephews for Christmas and birthdays until they were 21 - that stopped for mine. I could go on - I tried, I sent my great nieces and nephews gifts - not even a card back so rather than get upset and stressed I’ve just stopped. I feel bad sometimes but I let my siblings know why and they can think what they like. I speak out now and I would not accept this proposal. I’d back out and explain why. You’re not there to subsidise their holidays/meals l, which is how I felt. Tough love.

Letshavesometea · 22/03/2021 13:57

You are far too concerned about your neices room and payment. That's not your problem.

Your sister isn't concerned with you and your child paying so much. Do what is best for your family, you only need 2 rooms. Pay for the 2 rooms. Spend the rest on the kids Xmas.

SatsumasOrClementines · 22/03/2021 14:00

I really doubt your 20 year old niece wants to share with your four year old.

ThereOnceWasANote · 22/03/2021 14:01

I hate this kind of aggro with family - it's rubbish. I would just pull out of the house saying that £937 for a weekend away is beyond your budget, but you will look for accommodation you can afford close by; if you still fancy it closer to the date, you can go.

pabloescobarselasticband · 22/03/2021 14:04

Yuk!! I have family like this!!

Mylovelyhorsee · 22/03/2021 14:17

That does seem extortionate. If fairness though why should you sub your unemployed 20 year old niece? Your sister should niece shouldn’t come, she’s an adult. It’s not the same as subbing for children.

Mylovelyhorsee · 22/03/2021 14:17

Your should should or your niece shouldn’t come*

Mylovelyhorsee · 22/03/2021 14:17

Bloody hell! Your sister should*

harknesswitch · 22/03/2021 14:22

Can you afford it, do you want to afford it? If the answer is no to either question, then simply don't go.

It is unfair that you're expected to pay an adult price for a 4 year old, but you've brought it up with your sister and she's said that's the way it is. If you don't go they will be paying a lot more per person it will rent a smaller place

Cassilis · 22/03/2021 14:25

@LemonTT

I disagree. The OP has agency in this. It is her responsibility if she did not confirm what her accommodation needs are or how much she was willing to pay for that accommodation.

The fact that other family members have made the same mistake in assuming things doesn’t make her any less responsible for her part.

I agree that OP has agency, but she is exercising that now (as I don't think accommodation has been booked). If they have booked it without OP's ok then it's their fault and OP shouldn't give them a penny.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/03/2021 14:27

I think you've got another 16 ish years of this! Make your stand on it now! Tell al of them that you are REALLY not happy with having been cut out of the usual arrangement after 28 years of them benefitting from your not having raised a fuss.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 22/03/2021 16:53

I'm usually the one saying parents should pay for their DC but considering they were happy for children not to be included for all these years and are changing the goalposts now, I am with you, this is not OK!
I would go as far as searching through your emails for how much one of these past holidays has cost you vs how much it would have been if thir DC were taken into account (as they asking for yours now) and email them to ask if they would like you to figure out the total and they can send you a refund or if it is best to continue not to count the under 18s ?

BungleandGeorge · 22/03/2021 17:14

People saying you only need two rooms, that’s probably not correct. Cottage rentals have a maximum occupancy so you wouldn’t be able to have 5 people in 4 beds
I can’t understand why you pay for them at meals, is it because you have 3 and the others only had 1 or 2 children? Accommodation is a bit different though, it’s usual to pay per bed/room

Swordfish1 · 22/03/2021 17:15

Unless the accommodation is purposely alot bigger to accommodate your children and has increased the price by a significant amount YANBU.

A good few years ago we went on holiday with BIL and SIL who had 3 dc. We rented a 3 bed villa.
We split the cost 50/50 between the adults. We didn't even consider asking them to pay extra because of the dc.

In fact everything considered an everyday thing was just split 50/50, including food shopping etc. With the exception of I think entrance fees to attractions which their parents paid for them and we paid ours.

Surely thats how it works with dc?

From what I remember BIL and SIL bought extra wine and beer a couple of times to balance out the cost of us sharing bills, but it certainly wasn't expected as they are my neices and nephews.

MadMadMadamMim · 22/03/2021 17:21

I'd just say Oh Golly! That's a lot more than we'd figured. We won't come then. I won't pay almost £1,000 for three days away. It's too much for us. We'd be paying almost half the costs.

Lochmorlich · 22/03/2021 17:28

Well you're obviously the soft touch in your family.
Frankly I think its outrageous and I wouldn't go.
Your dc have 9 months to forget about it.

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