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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking child benefit from exdh

148 replies

Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 21:28

Has anyone has any experience of this and what I may expect. I have three teen dc with exdh. Amicable split 8 years ago, 50/50 contact. I agreed that he could claim the child benefit when we split as he was the a much lower earner than me and to be honest I felt guilty for instigating the split. We agreed to pay cost of kids expenses 50/50.

As the years have gone on he paid less and less towards the dc major expenses. 3 years later eldest dc decided to live with me full time and 18 months ago younger two did the same.

Fast forward to today and they have no overnight contact with their dad. He no longer works after losing his job 5 years ago. They sporadically visit him sometimes once a week, sometimes not for weeks on end. They care a lot for him but it’s clear he doesn’t really bother with them too much and they mostly visit him when they feel obliged to, are bored and fancy and change of scenery (lockdown and all that) or want something (teenagers!).

I have never claimed any maintenance off of him but would now like to claim the child benefit. It’s probably too late for my eldest as he’s off to uni in September.

Here’s the Aibu. I don’t need the money. I have a good job, mortgage free and a Dh who also financially provides for the dc. But, we are not rich, we have only just paid our mortgage off due to an inheritance. My exh left me in 10k or debt which I have been paying off since our divorce at £300 a month and he has paid nothing towards it as he’s not been working, this has meant that I’ve had no means of having savings until now. I’d like to use the child benefit money to save for uni for my youngest dc. Currently exdh is not contributing anything to their upbringing.

I know if I claim the money he will be left much financially worse off and may have to move to a cheaper area. I believe he claims child tax credit for them as well.
I guess the bitterness of me paying for it all is just eating me up a bit.

Doesn’t anyone know how easy it will be to get the child benefit in my name? Child benefit office advise to put a claim in and they will give him the option to surrender it. Well he won’t. Then what?

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2021 19:57

Why would she say him?

We dont even know he's claiming anything. The op just presumes this.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2021 19:58

That was to @Dullardmullard

BuggeringBugger · 22/03/2021 21:16

Only on mumsnet would people say leave it. Anyone I know in real life would say of course he shouldn't be claiming it!

itsasin77 · 22/03/2021 21:24

I’m currently going through a struggle with CB office:
My exH who never ever sees the children for years, let alone has them overnight has decided to put in a claim for CB.
I’m now having to get every possible document going to prove they live with me full time and have no contact, all because he wants to be an arse!
They’ve stopped my payments and say it could be 12 weeks before reinstates whilst they look into everything.
It’s disgusting.
So if I were you, if they live with you. It’s a no brainier, it’s for the children. Not him!

needadvice54321 · 22/03/2021 21:36

Wow he sounds like a right knob @itsasin77 !

Dullardmullard · 22/03/2021 22:48

@itsanin77

Get GP involved as they’ll have the dates you need and the schools

Dullardmullard · 22/03/2021 22:51

@GabriellaMontez

Why would she say him?

We dont even know he's claiming anything. The op just presumes this.

She maybe presuming but if he is and she lets this go she’s complicit (sp) as she knows he’s already claiming the CB
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/03/2021 22:53

@BuggeringBugger

Only on mumsnet would people say leave it. Anyone I know in real life would say of course he shouldn't be claiming it!
Well this is a very shortsighted statement. Has it occurred to you that some of us who have commented 'leave it' have commented this way because we are dealing with situations like this IN REAL LIFE? Hmm
Soontobe60 · 22/03/2021 22:53

OP, you say your eldest is off to Uni, your ex doesn’t work and gets tax credits - it may actually be better if he continues to get CB for the eldest as their student loan will be based on the income of the person in receipt of CB. Just check out what this could mean financially for your DC whilst at Uni before you change it over.

Dullardmullard · 22/03/2021 22:57

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream but it’s fraud and he knows it

It’s alright for some if well off but loads bloody are not and I think the Op is feeling the pinch now and is entitled to this money for the kids

Plus student loans are based on both parents not one regardless who gets the CB so that’s information is wrong. Unless you expect her child to lie on his forms for help

dementedpixie · 22/03/2021 22:58

Child benefit will stop for her dd once the dd starts Uni

itsasin77 · 22/03/2021 23:22

@needadvice54321
Oh he is one big knobhead. Ba earring in mind I kicked him to the curb 14yrs ago and he is clearly still very bitter! I hate the C word, but today I have used it on more than one occasion for him! When it comes to Narcissists, he is definitely one of them.

@Dullardmullard thank you for the advise: I have been into GPS and schools
Today and they have been fantastic and will be sending me letters on headed paper confirming everything I need. Plus I have dentists cancelation letters abs their bank statements.
It’s just a pain in the backside when I have so much more to be getting on with, as well as the hassle for other government funded people having to take time out to deal with this for me.
I personally do not need the money, but Inuse it to put in their savings for their futures abs to fund their phone bills and music accounts.
Whereas he just wants to make my life difficult.
Thankfully the children have nothing to do with him out of their own choice (older teenagers), so do not have a negative impact on them!

IM0GEN · 23/03/2021 08:28

@dementedpixie

Child benefit will stop for her dd once the dd starts Uni
I think it will stop when her child leaves school, unless they are still under 18 and in higher ( not further) education.
Soontobe60 · 23/03/2021 09:13

[quote Dullardmullard]@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream but it’s fraud and he knows it

It’s alright for some if well off but loads bloody are not and I think the Op is feeling the pinch now and is entitled to this money for the kids

Plus student loans are based on both parents not one regardless who gets the CB so that’s information is wrong. Unless you expect her child to lie on his forms for help[/quote]
Apologies if thats wrong, my DDs child benefit went to her father and we had what was then joint custody. She got a bigger student loan as his income was less than mine - they didn't take both incomes into account. Perhaps its changed.

Soontobe60 · 23/03/2021 09:15

@Dullardmullard
according to this, only one income is taken into account where parents are divorced.
www.theuniguide.co.uk/advice/advice-for-parents/expert-advice-for-parents-student-finance#option3

RandomMess · 23/03/2021 11:08

@IM0GEN Child benefit stops and the end of the August when they finish year 13 or equivalent which in some cases be until after they are 19 if they delay going to college or repeat a year etc.

Ohdobequiet · 23/03/2021 11:22

I don’t believe this is a moral dilemma at all. That money is for the care of your children.

OldEvilOwl · 23/03/2021 11:35

Do it but give him some warning that it will happen, then he is not suddenly short of money he was expecting. After that - not your problem. You could be putting that money into accounts for your children instead of paying his bills, and that's what it's for

notfromstepford · 23/03/2021 14:06

Child benefit is just that - to benefit the child. I'd get transferred to you so your children actually benefit from it.

RandomMess · 23/03/2021 14:22

If he is only claiming Child Benefit and OP claims for only the youngest two then he is only losing £28 per week and gets notice until the end of August that the other £21 will stop.

If he is claiming for CTC/UC he will still get a chunk if he keeps the CB for the eldest and again is getting nearly 6 months notice that his fraudulent gravy train is about to stop.

Whether or not that is his rock bottom to sort himself out is up to him. It doesn't matter if he has 6 months or 5 years notice he will either step up or not.

GoodMumBadMum · 23/03/2021 16:29

Yes, claim it. It is your children's money, not his. If he refuses, and continues claiming for children that don't live with him, surely this is benefit fraud?

AdultierAdult · 23/03/2021 22:54

@RandomMess it makes no material difference to the taxpayer where it goes I'm this case. In OPs specific situation, if it would potentially plunge him into poverty and upset the apple cart, and if I were mortgage free and on a good salary I wouldn't bother. But I did say OP is NBU to claim it, it's just that I wouldn't personally. If he was a bastard/didn't need it/high earner (though then wouldn't be eligible) maybe. He sounds really vulnerable though and I'd be concerned if he were the father of my kids.

Dullardmullard · 23/03/2021 23:24

[quote Soontobe60]@Dullardmullard
according to this, only one income is taken into account where parents are divorced.
www.theuniguide.co.uk/advice/advice-for-parents/expert-advice-for-parents-student-finance#option3[/quote]
Only if he puts dad as where he stays and he doesn’t, that would be fraud

My step daughter has to put estranged (which she is) from her mother or they’d take her income into account along with ours, but I’m Scotland and this hasn’t changed in the last year or so.

I’m sure that uni is excluded from CB but again that might of changed again too.

RandomMess · 23/03/2021 23:29

@AdultierAdult it does make a difference to the tax payer I'd be is also still claiming CTC/UC as if he has 3 DC living with him.

If he is then the op is willingly assisting him in benefit fraud.

He may be vulnerable but he has a 4 bed home and has options open to him - sell up
& downsize, take in 3 lodgers. Instead it's highly likely the tax payer is funding him to pay off his mortgage whilst doing nothing for his own children.

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 29/03/2021 21:04

Thanks for all your comments.

Update - I messaged ex last week (first time in 2 -3 years) and said that I felt it was only fair that I now claim the child benefit. Well he went absolutely mental at me and there lots of abuse at me. Said how he knew I was loaded (I’m not!) and that he knew I had inherited and didn’t need the money. What kind of mum makes their kids dad homeless. That if I took that money off of him he would have to sell up and move away from the dc and never see them again.

I know he is emotionally abusive and call me weak but I just replied with ‘if you’re going to emotionally blackmail me and upset the dc then just leave it. You keep the money and I’ll just support the dc on my own. Here is the the dc bank details, maybe if you don’t want to contribute to their upbringing then you can give them the money direct’. And then I blocked his number.

I don’t need the hassle and abuse and as another PP has said, I’ve already won (if there really is such thing in divorce). I’m astounded how selfish and entitled he is.

I think I’ll bide my time for now. Mine and my dc mental health is worth more.

OP posts: