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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking child benefit from exdh

148 replies

Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 21:28

Has anyone has any experience of this and what I may expect. I have three teen dc with exdh. Amicable split 8 years ago, 50/50 contact. I agreed that he could claim the child benefit when we split as he was the a much lower earner than me and to be honest I felt guilty for instigating the split. We agreed to pay cost of kids expenses 50/50.

As the years have gone on he paid less and less towards the dc major expenses. 3 years later eldest dc decided to live with me full time and 18 months ago younger two did the same.

Fast forward to today and they have no overnight contact with their dad. He no longer works after losing his job 5 years ago. They sporadically visit him sometimes once a week, sometimes not for weeks on end. They care a lot for him but it’s clear he doesn’t really bother with them too much and they mostly visit him when they feel obliged to, are bored and fancy and change of scenery (lockdown and all that) or want something (teenagers!).

I have never claimed any maintenance off of him but would now like to claim the child benefit. It’s probably too late for my eldest as he’s off to uni in September.

Here’s the Aibu. I don’t need the money. I have a good job, mortgage free and a Dh who also financially provides for the dc. But, we are not rich, we have only just paid our mortgage off due to an inheritance. My exh left me in 10k or debt which I have been paying off since our divorce at £300 a month and he has paid nothing towards it as he’s not been working, this has meant that I’ve had no means of having savings until now. I’d like to use the child benefit money to save for uni for my youngest dc. Currently exdh is not contributing anything to their upbringing.

I know if I claim the money he will be left much financially worse off and may have to move to a cheaper area. I believe he claims child tax credit for them as well.
I guess the bitterness of me paying for it all is just eating me up a bit.

Doesn’t anyone know how easy it will be to get the child benefit in my name? Child benefit office advise to put a claim in and they will give him the option to surrender it. Well he won’t. Then what?

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 22/03/2021 09:19

Claim it. One child will stop soon, then the rest will follow. Followed by the related impact on any benefits. What will your ex do then?
His bad life choices are nothing to do with you - you have already let him off the cb till now and you are paying his debts.
It’s not as if he is using the money for the benefit of the children and being a hands on dad.
This is money that is for the children not him.

However if it was me I would put it in a separate account until the youngest’s stops and then divide it up between the children as it seems a bit unfair to the oldest.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2021 09:21

I'd drop the bitterness and see him as your kids father that they will want around

I'm not seeing bitterness. Just a woman with responsibility for bringing up 3 children and supporting them through university. Planning to claim money that is intended for them.

NotAPanda · 22/03/2021 09:24

YANBU.
The benefits are for your children. He’s fucked their lives over enough.
You are not responsible for him anymore.

Tooshytoshine · 22/03/2021 09:27

I can understand why you feel angry and want the money to go directly to the children.

However, I would leave it. Your ex-husband sounds like a trainwreck and as your kids have got older they have seen that. Chances are when you make your case for having the CB and stopping his CTC, he will be asked to payback a large amount (and possibly fined). Even without this you acknowledge he will have to move or change his life, and that this my cause his mental health to further deteriorate. I wouldn't want his metaphorical blood on my hands or for my kids to think less of me.

OP, I know the debt must still hurt but you have already won. You and your ex aren't even playing the same game, let alone in the same league. Forget about the money, it's quite simply not worth the devastation.

dementedpixie · 22/03/2021 09:30

Or you could claim for 1 of them and he keeps the claim for the other. That is another option

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 09:32

I'm sorry why should our taxes be funding his fraudulent UC claim???

It isn't just Child Benefit he's getting but UC/CTC whilst paying of a mortgage on a 4 bed house???

Norwaydidnthappen · 22/03/2021 09:41

So he’s getting almost £50 a week for children he barely ever sees? Of course it should be going to you, you’re the one bothering to raise them!

NotAPanda · 22/03/2021 09:44

Also want to add - don’t you think that him hitting rock bottom will enable him to get help? Leaving it as it is now is just kicking the can down the road. At some point the benefits will dry up and he’ll be in the shit anyway

TulipsTwoLips · 22/03/2021 09:51

I first thought leave it if he needs it to live on. I'm now thinking hang on, your children are essentially subsidising him. Depression is awful. Could you give him say six months to try to get help then do it?

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 10:02

If OP takes it for the youngest two then he has until September still receiving benefits for the oldest one, plenty earning enough.

Cherryicecubes · 22/03/2021 10:11

He is not your responsibility. If his depression and mental state mean he cannot work, then the has to apply for his own benefits. It is benefit fraud, and you are complicit by allowing it to happen.

Trustisamust · 22/03/2021 10:36

@AmberItsACertainty indeed it is. No way I can even think about buying a house for the family now Sad Still renting...

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 22/03/2021 13:23

I get that this is a really big moral dilemma and I am really struggling with it. I’m not a bitter angry ex wife, quite the opposite actually. I’m only human and of course have moments where I feel bitter than I’m sat here paying out for all their food, clothes, bus passes and ferrying them to places, taking time off work for dentists etc. Whilst he doesn’t pay a penny or help with anything.

The last thing I want is blood on my hands or to the the nail in the coffin for him. He’s their dad and they do care for him, although I don’t think they get much from him.

I just want what is best for my dc. I have no idea how taking this money will or wouldn’t effect him as I have so little to do with him. I’m pretty sure he won’t give it up without a fight though.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 22/03/2021 13:25

He committing benefit fraud in my eyes. Sort it out ASAP.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2021 14:03

The benefits/fraud part is really nothing to do with you OP. You think he may be claiming something he shouldn't. You dont know.

What matters is the child benefit which your children are definitely entitled to but arent receiving.

AmberItsACertainty · 22/03/2021 17:24

I get that this is a really big moral dilemma and I am really struggling with it

It's not a moral dilemma. It's a legal situation and it's clear cut. That money is for your children's expenses, it's not for your ExH.

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 18:40

He has plenty of options.

Rent rooms out
Sell up
Claim PIP

He will not be left destitute. Why are ok committing fraud so that the tax payer gives him money he isn't entitled to?

merryhouse · 22/03/2021 19:26

How would he be claiming Tax Credits if he doesn't work?

Dullardmullard · 22/03/2021 19:29

@bookworm29x

Claim the money. It's fraud him claiming it anyway, just imagine him having to pay back thousands upon thousands plus a fine etc. You're doing him a favour, besides that it's for the children.
This with bells on its fraud and can carry a jail term
Dullardmullard · 22/03/2021 19:31

@GabriellaMontez

The benefits/fraud part is really nothing to do with you OP. You think he may be claiming something he shouldn't. You dont know.

What matters is the child benefit which your children are definitely entitled to but arent receiving.

Eh how’s it nothing to do with her. She claims the CB but his tax credits will stop too and they’ll ask who the kids stay with. If she says him so he can claim they’ll both be in the shit.
Dullardmullard · 22/03/2021 19:34

Can you claim the child benefit by the way
There’s a threshold now it’s either 45K or 50K per income so if joint it’s that you can claim but it’s offset with your tax if less than above your ok.

dementedpixie · 22/03/2021 19:36

She already said she's under the threshold

AdultierAdult · 22/03/2021 19:44

Yes he is committing fraud and YANBU to want what you're entitled to but, honestly, in your particular situation I would just leave it. I think risking souring the relationship or damaging his mental health would be more detrimental than the loss of £20 a week or whatever it is to your kids. And it sounds as you're financially pretty secure with no mortgage or rent. If it were me I'd recycle the forms and just stop agonising and let it be. But I'm soft!

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 19:49

@AdultierAdult but the tax payer is funding a fraudulent claim for CTC/UC how is that ok?

The op is losing out on nearly £50 per week her ex is getting far more than that. The op has already missed out on more than £3,818 just for 18 months CB - more for the eldest.

twinmum2007 · 22/03/2021 19:50

This is from the govt website, sorry it's long, but it basically means he can claim it but only if he contributes at least the amount he is claiming. Doesn't sound like he is.
^^Child Benefit if your child lives with someone else
You’ll usually get Child Benefit for 8 weeks after your child goes to live with someone else (eg a friend or relative), if nobody else claims. It can continue for longer if you make contributions to your child’s upkeep.

The Child Benefit Office will tell you if they get another claim for your child. They’ll help you decide who should claim if you can’t decide for yourself.

Contributions to upkeep
You could continue to get payments for more than 8 weeks if you contribute to your child’s upkeep by the same amount or more than the Child Benefit payment.

Upkeep includes clothes, presents, food and pocket money and financial contributions to provide your child with somewhere to live.

You must contact the Child Benefit Office if your circumstances have changed.

You can make your contributions weekly, monthly or in a lump sum to cover a set period. If you miss one or two payments over a long period, the Child Benefit Office may treat this as if you have contributed for the whole period.

The Child Benefit Office will treat contributions for more than one child as being split equally, unless you ask them to consider something else.

Your contributions will still count if more than one person is contributing for the same child. The total contributions have to be worth at least as much as the Child Benefit you get.