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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking child benefit from exdh

148 replies

Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 21:28

Has anyone has any experience of this and what I may expect. I have three teen dc with exdh. Amicable split 8 years ago, 50/50 contact. I agreed that he could claim the child benefit when we split as he was the a much lower earner than me and to be honest I felt guilty for instigating the split. We agreed to pay cost of kids expenses 50/50.

As the years have gone on he paid less and less towards the dc major expenses. 3 years later eldest dc decided to live with me full time and 18 months ago younger two did the same.

Fast forward to today and they have no overnight contact with their dad. He no longer works after losing his job 5 years ago. They sporadically visit him sometimes once a week, sometimes not for weeks on end. They care a lot for him but it’s clear he doesn’t really bother with them too much and they mostly visit him when they feel obliged to, are bored and fancy and change of scenery (lockdown and all that) or want something (teenagers!).

I have never claimed any maintenance off of him but would now like to claim the child benefit. It’s probably too late for my eldest as he’s off to uni in September.

Here’s the Aibu. I don’t need the money. I have a good job, mortgage free and a Dh who also financially provides for the dc. But, we are not rich, we have only just paid our mortgage off due to an inheritance. My exh left me in 10k or debt which I have been paying off since our divorce at £300 a month and he has paid nothing towards it as he’s not been working, this has meant that I’ve had no means of having savings until now. I’d like to use the child benefit money to save for uni for my youngest dc. Currently exdh is not contributing anything to their upbringing.

I know if I claim the money he will be left much financially worse off and may have to move to a cheaper area. I believe he claims child tax credit for them as well.
I guess the bitterness of me paying for it all is just eating me up a bit.

Doesn’t anyone know how easy it will be to get the child benefit in my name? Child benefit office advise to put a claim in and they will give him the option to surrender it. Well he won’t. Then what?

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 22:20

They don’t like to ask him for money. I have no relationship with him as he doesn’t talk to me. Eldest dc asked him for some money for driving lessons, I believe he gave him £20 once but that was it.

He would def have to move if he lost the tax credits. Which presumably he would if I took the child benefit. In reality I’m not sure he would move areas, but at the moment he lives in a 4 bed semi so presumably he would have to downsize considerably. They don’t stay over anyway.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 21/03/2021 22:30

Whatever you decide to do, give him plenty of advance warning. He at least spent his share on a home big enough for all the DC. He did the right thing in that sense. With warning, he can downsize, rather than default on the mortgage. Having a father who spirals into further depression and poverty - would not be in your DC's interests.

cracracatlady · 21/03/2021 22:30

In that case then I definitely would claim it, just call them up. I’m assuming you just filled in the census correctly anyway, so the fraud team will be on him soon no doubt

Changemaname1 · 21/03/2021 22:34

I don’t get how he’s even Legally entitled to it now tbh

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/03/2021 22:44

He could always take in lodgers, work or move. Not sure why you should effectively be subsidising his life so many years on. If that money could be saved towards the uni fees for the kids, that's better use than just enabling him to not address the situation- he will lose the benefit in a few years anyway and then what's his plan?

AmberItsACertainty · 21/03/2021 22:53

He's taking the piss, living off his children's money. He can get a lodger or two to pay his bills if he can't work. He won't be destitute. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail of suicide, it's just another way to control you.

I'd be honest with the DWP about when the children started living with you too, you might get a back payment. They'll take back from him what he's fraudulently claimed at £10 a week, or something, out of his other benefits.

RandomMess · 21/03/2021 22:57

I'm livid on your behalf. Yes claim it, save it for your children. He isn't working because he has enough coming in on UC precisely because he is claiming CB for DC he doesn't bother with and pays nothing towards. He only needs a one bed so he can downsize can't he?

Summertime21 · 21/03/2021 22:57

He claiming it illegally if the DC don't live with him at all

GabriellaMontez · 21/03/2021 22:58

Basically you're subsidising him. (While he doesnt work.)

He doesnt financially support the children. Or practically or emotionally support anyone.

But you're subbing him. Quite strange really. Especially after so long.

AmberItsACertainty · 21/03/2021 22:59

4 bedroom house? So 3 rooms rented out at maybe £100/wk each? £1200 - £1500 pcm. Or downsizing to a two bedroom flat, mortgage free? With one lodger that's £400 - £500 from the lodger for ExH bills and spends per month. It's doable.

Trustisamust · 21/03/2021 23:03

My ex-husband and I share 50/50 care of our two boys. He claims CB for one which he has to pay back anyway as he's way over the earning threshold.
I earn around £15k pa, He earns in excess of £105k pa.
He describes himself as "Superdad."
Ahem.

Hidinginstaircupboard · 21/03/2021 23:04

He's claiming CV and CTC fraudulently. It was a choice when they lived with him 50% of the time who claimed this. Now your DC do not live with him and rarely stay over, he is not entitled to claim it.

You need to contact DWP and out in CB claim for the DC yourself that they live with you
Anything else is him committing benefit fraud and you colluding with that, as he isn't entitled to CTC

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 23:09

Yes I thought he could get a lodger but he wouldn’t. One of the reasons dc didn’t want to be there anymore is be as he doesn’t clean and his house is a mess.

I do wonder if he filled his census in to say they still lived there and if I have him plenty of notice that I was going to claim the money that he would change the dc doctors etc back to his address etc and whether he would try and blackmail the dc to stay overnight at his which they don’t want to do anymore.

I must admit I told my friend about my situation and she was horrified that I don’t claim it. I guess I am fearful of breaking the peace and the emotional fallout and I’m aware how bad his mental health is.

That I have moments when I feel mad. 5 years ago when he lost his job we were still talking and he asked me to help him fill out a form to claim one of his pensions early. It was only £7k but he blew the money on an old campervan and Merlin passes for him and the kids. Whilst I carried on paying the £10k debt!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 23:13

I’ve never asked him for money and we haven’t spoke in nearly 3 years. He never asks me how the dc are doing and I’ve given up texting him updates or anything as he never responds.

He barely leaves the house according to dc and clearly has lots of issues. He had bad depression and mood swings when we were married but never did anything about it. Being out of work for 5 years has just seen made him decline I guess.

I know he is committing fraud. I’m not sure he realises that. I think he thinks he is dad I’d the year as he sends the kids memes on Facebook every few days.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/03/2021 23:15

He isn't your responsibility.

You just ring up child benefit office and tell them the DC stopped staying overnight some time ago and it's now a permanent arrangement.

He has options. The money is enabling him not to deal with his depression or laziness or responsibilities. It could be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out.

WhoWants2Know · 21/03/2021 23:35

Can he really still be claiming tax credits? They ask you to review your circumstances every year, so if he's filled in the forms each year as if they still live with him, then he's actively committed fraud over several years.

That's worse than just forgetting to update the child benefits claim.

If you think that he's claiming £500 each month, it's £9000, not even going into what he claimed when only your oldest lived with you. If he's caught, it may not even be just a case of paying it back or losing the house. How much fraud is enough for them to want jail time?

Lacucuracha · 21/03/2021 23:36

100% claim it OP.

TheTeenageYears · 21/03/2021 23:38

My assessment would be is he is committing benefit fraud. The child benefit isn't really the issue - one of you is entitled to claim the money because no one involved earns over 50k. The child tax credits is a different matter. That, as I understand it is based on income but he doesn't satisfy the basic criteria of having the children live with him so therefore doesn't meet the threshold to claim. At this point I would be concerned that I could be seen as being complicit by knowing a claim is being made on false grounds.

Doyoumind · 21/03/2021 23:41

That's money you could be setting aside for your DC. He's committing fraud with the TC. I realise it's a bit of a moral dilemma with him being in poor MH but it's not money he's entitled to.

Clymene · 21/03/2021 23:42

Look at it this way: he's stealing from your children. CB is money to support your kids, not their deadbeat dad.

I don't want the money I contribute in taxes to support him, I want it to support them.

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 21/03/2021 23:43

I don’t know 100% for sure that he is claiming tax credits, but he was and I doubt he’s updated them. He’s a typical head in sand kinda guy.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/03/2021 23:43

Going totally against the grain, he sounds like he's in such a downward spiral, to be quite honest, I'd leave it. You don't actually need the money. Of course he shouldn't be claiming it, but as it's going to end eventually anyway, what's really the point? It might just cause resentment for the kids.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/03/2021 23:46

And maybe I'm a soft touch, but he is their father, and he does have depression. I'm not saying you should support him of course, but a tiny bit of compassion doesn't go amiss

Crabbypaddy · 22/03/2021 00:08

It’s easy enough to change claiming parent over the phone just give them a call and explain they now live with u full time from whatever date.

TheTeenageYears · 22/03/2021 00:10

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

And maybe I'm a soft touch, but he is their father, and he does have depression. I'm not saying you should support him of course, but a tiny bit of compassion doesn't go amiss
I'm not sure about compassion but it's definitely enabling. He has choices. He is currently living in a 4 bedroom home with running costs to match and could either downsize or rent out a couple or rooms. He doesn't need the space for the DC, they don't stay with him. He has refused to seek medical help over a long period of time. There may be more appropriate benefits he is entitled to in his own right if he seeks the appropriate help. The fact that at some point the benefit will end anyway is no reason to cover up the lie. From the OP's comment about drawing a pension early and what he did with the money it's clear that nothing other than hitting rock bottom is going to make him take control of his life. The only thing womankind can be glad of is that he hasn't sucked in another unsuspecting woman to step up in his place - let's face it there are plenty of examples of that scenario on MN.