Taking child benefit from exdh

[Twobigsapphires]

Has anyone has any experience of this and what I may expect. I have three teen dc with exdh. Amicable split 8 years ago, 50/50 contact. I agreed that he could claim the child benefit when we split as he was the a much lower earner than me and to be honest I felt guilty for instigating the split. We agreed to pay cost of kids expenses 50/50.

As the years have gone on he paid less and less towards the dc major expenses. 3 years later eldest dc decided to live with me full time and 18 months ago younger two did the same.

Fast forward to today and they have no overnight contact with their dad. He no longer works after losing his job 5 years ago. They sporadically visit him sometimes once a week, sometimes not for weeks on end. They care a lot for him but it’s clear he doesn’t really bother with them too much and they mostly visit him when they feel obliged to, are bored and fancy and change of scenery (lockdown and all that) or want something (teenagers!).

I have never claimed any maintenance off of him but would now like to claim the child benefit. It’s probably too late for my eldest as he’s off to uni in September.

Here’s the Aibu. I don’t need the money. I have a good job, mortgage free and a Dh who also financially provides for the dc. But, we are not rich, we have only just paid our mortgage off due to an inheritance. My exh left me in 10k or debt which I have been paying off since our divorce at £300 a month and he has paid nothing towards it as he’s not been working, this has meant that I’ve had no means of having savings until now. I’d like to use the child benefit money to save for uni for my youngest dc. Currently exdh is not contributing anything to their upbringing.

I know if I claim the money he will be left much financially worse off and may have to move to a cheaper area. I believe he claims child tax credit for them as well.
I guess the bitterness of me paying for it all is just eating me up a bit.

Doesn’t anyone know how easy it will be to get the child benefit in my name? Child benefit office advise to put a claim in and they will give him the option to surrender it. Well he won’t. Then what?

Sorry for the long post.

Its simple really. He doesn't have the children so he doesn't get to keep the CB. Get the money back.

@Trustisamust

My ex-husband and I share 50/50 care of our two boys. He claims CB for one which he has to pay back anyway as he's way over the earning threshold. I earn around £15k pa, He earns in excess of £105k pa. He describes himself as "Superdad." Ahem.

That's financial abuse. He/the children don't benefit from the child benefit money because of his earnings, he pays it back. If you claimed it then because you earn less you could keep it to use for the children. So the only reason he's claiming it is to prevent you from having it.

He left you in debt and he claims the benefits.

Hell no !!!!

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Going totally against the grain, he sounds like he's in such a downward spiral, to be quite honest, I'd leave it. You don't actually need the money. Of course he shouldn't be claiming it, but as it's going to end eventually anyway, what's really the point? It might just cause resentment for the kids.

Compassion for him?! He's stealing off his kids! OP says she needs the CB/TC money to save up for the youngest for university costs. Otherwise that kid goes to university with nothing. So either daddy works/gets lodgers/tightens his belt to live on what benefits he's entitled to, or else his child has to work his way through university to pay his living expenses. I think that makes quite a big difference to his child.

You have to update tax credits every year

Is there any financial benefit for the children once they go to uni if dad is doing all the claiming?

I think you should - he’s taking money he’s not entitled to and the ones left worse off are your kids. It’s not your job to be responsible for him managing his finances. I’d give him 3 months notice. That will give him enough time to either find a job or claim PIP if he is too ill to work.

Do it now, I have just been through something similar.

I applied on the 17th September, as my ex was claiming it went to a rival claims department.

Rival claims department wrote to is separately to ask us to fill in a form including where the children stay on which nights.

I had to attach evidence- I sent something from my daughters GP surgery showing my address as the registered address, same for school and (as she is a teen) her most recent bank statement front page to show address.

My ex did not respond so they asked him again with an extended deadline

He sent no evidence in by the extended deadline (end of Dec)

The case went to a commissioner to decide at the start of Jan.

I FINALLY go my award letter dated 12th March.
Child benefit has been back dated to 3 weeks after I applied (apparently ex is entitled to keep the benefit for those 3 weeks)

It is a long winded process so do it now, I am assuming your ex will have no evidence that the kids reside with him so it will be granted in your favour. I have put the back dated payments in DDs savings and will pay the regular payment into her current account as I don’t necessarily need it either.

Ex was not happy as it will also stop his claim for child tax credits apparently.

Slightly different scenario - CB has always come to me - but I've always been soft with my ex regarding paying CM towards DS. I always felt guilty that we had more money than him and didn't really need the money. I always hoped that turning a blind eye to what he should be paying would mean he'd spend more on seeing DS- he didn't.
DS is now 17 and tbh I became very frustrated a couple of years ago and I became tougher in ensuring ex paid for him. He's off to Uni next year and there is no way ex is intending on helping out financially so I had to try and find a way to save myself. I'm cross with myself for letting him get away with it for years - he may have been less well off but still had the money for a lot of non essentials and I must have had mug written on my forehead!

Claim back what your DC are entitled to!

The money is not his, to support his layabout lifestyle. It is for the children, to be spent on their wellbeing. Obviously for some low-income households the best use of the money is to pay for a better standard or location of family residence than could otherwise be affordable so if the kids were still going to him 50;50 then it would be reasonable. However given that the kids actually live with you and barely visit their dad, him having thr CB and CTC is basically benefit fraud. It needs to come to you and his benefits need to be based on his actual circumstances, not a fantasy story in which he is a struggling single parent doing everything he can to house feed and clothe his kids on a low income. He isn't.

I would claim it - and if you don't need to use it to improve your children's lives, put it in a savings account for them when they turn 21 or similar.

The money is for them, not him or you. If you’re the one buying things for them and supporting them it should go to you.

For me the deciding factor would be that none of this money is benefiting his children. He's using it as an income for himself. That's not acceptable. Claim it.

Hes claiming frauduently.
You said he isn't working to in addition to the child benefit he will also be claiming benefits for them as a single parent.
Give him notice if you want. I wouldn't bother tbh and if/when he says anything ask him what he expected, to claim for them forever even though they no longer reside there?

His potential housing problems aren't your problem either. He has other options including renting out the rooms and using some of that income for a cleaner. He could rent out the whole house and go and rent a cheaper property, not like the dc's want to stay with him anyway. And as they get older, the blackmail should be easier to deter with some support and advice around functional and disfunctional relationships.

That is taxpayers money which is earmarked to help your children. Not your exhusband.

Claim it for them and while you're at it claim maintenance. If he can't afford his house then tough, lots of people are in that position and they just have to move.

I work in this sector OP, put the claim in, they will stop his chb while they review your claim. Just put your own claim in ASAP, form CH2 from gov.uk website...they will suspend payments for the children and backdate to the date his payments stopped for you. Do it now!!

Soooi. He's claimed thousands of pounds that should be benefitting the kids and used it to cover his own bills?

I wouldn't have let this go on for so long. I'd feel slightly differently if he demonstrated that he cared, was actively involved with their lives, but that is not the case.

You don't get to decide what to do with this money imho. It's the kids' money.

You should have put a stop to his fraud 18 months ago at least and been banking it for their benefit e.g. university costs, help with their living expenses... Not bailing out your irresponsible ex.

He's going to blame you for taking away something he feels he has a right to, but it's not yours to decide on either. It shouldn't have been his.

So can I just check - you have £1,800 a year ( I’m assuming you get CB for two children ) which is supposed to be spent on your kids eg saved for uni costs or driving lessons.

But instead of claiming this and spending on your kids you have given this money to your ex because you feel sorry for him.

And on top of this £1,800 of their money which you give to their dad, you also spend £3,600 a year paying off his debts.

So you’ve been throwing away this £5,400 every year for the last 8 years. That’s £43,200 so far.

Well all I can say is that you seem to have a lot of money to waste for someone who earns less than £50k a year. I can only assume that your inheritance was millions as as they say, toffs are careless.

Personally I’d rather save this money for my kids than spend it on my deadbeat ex. But I guess everyone has their own priorities.

You also seem very blasé about his £48,000 benefit fraud. And no of course, as long as he’s a head on the sand kind of person and doesn’t know it’s fraud , then he won’t get charged. That’s how it works.

Jeez what sort of interest rate is the £10k debt on? 8 years at £300 is £28,800, how are you still paying it off?

That money is not for him, it’s for the children. Not only is he stealing from your children he’s also stealing from all of us tax payers, including you and your husband as he’s not entitled to those tax credits!

It is complete fraud, he has been claiming loads in benefits that he isn't entitled to - he is very lucky not to be caught!

Not sure why people are forgiving of this benefit cheat while others get vilified.

@Twobigsapphires

To clarify, he doesn’t spend anything on the dc. When they visit it’s for half an hour after school or on their way back from the park / shop etc. Sometimes in the holidays they will go for a few hours. I think he has fed them twice in 18 months. I believe he gave them £30 on their birthday but that’s it.

He has struggled with a lifetime of depression and has become a recluse since losing his job. I know the kids worry about him and I think I have been worried they if I go after the money he will kill himself or something and I’d never forgive myself.

The thing is the money won’t be there forever will it? I mean he’s going to lose it for eldest next year anyway right and then the others in the next few years.

When we divorced we sold the family home and split 50/50 with the proceeds. He bought a house that was more than adequate for the dc to stay over so he has space for them. He mortgaged up to the eyeballs and then left his job. I know that he needs that money and the £500 odd quid a month tax credits to pay his mortgage and bills.

But yes, you’re right, the dc will only benefit from that money if I claim it. But god knows what will happen to their dad.

I think it would be a bit of a cunt move to do this, seeing as you don't need the money.

Kick him while he's down, ey.

Thank you for all the comments. I have actually had the forms sitting here for a few months now but have been scared to go ahead with it.

I agree, he is committing benefit fraud if he is claiming tax credits, but just to clarify, I am presuming he is as he was years ago. I have barely spoken to him in 3 years so cannot confirm.

Up until 18 months ago he has two of the dc 2/3 nights a week so I was happy for him to have the child benefit as he could afford a decent home for them. The reason I have wanted so long to think about claiming as I guess I wanted to make sure that the kids didn’t want to go back there. Part of my thought this was a reaction to Covid and I didn’t want to go through all this for them to decide they want to spend overnights at his again so wanted to be sure.

And yes, I admit I have been scared of the fallout and putting my dd through and crap he may dish out and what this will do to his mental health. He is a lazy entitled arse but I don’t wish him any ill feeling and certainly don’t want him to do anything stupid.

To the poster that says I must be loaded and have prioritised my exh over my Dh you are wrong on both counts. I wanted to do the right thing by my dc to have regular contact with their dad. It’s only 18 months that he’s not had regular contact or financially contributed. I am lucky that Dh and I earn a descent salary and my dc have never gone without. It’s only recently that an inheritance has paid off our mortgage.

Thank you to the poster who has recently been through this, I expected it to take a while and your experience is similar to why the child benefit adviser told me what would happen. Thank you for the tip about the bank statements, I can use that as that’s one thing that ex couldn’t change as he doesn’t even know I set bank accounts up for them.

@ElizaLaLa yes I’m aware this makes me selfish as I don’t need the money and he does. I would however ensure that the money gets put away for my dc so it would benefit them.

I am aware this could top him over the edge, hence why I have been procrastinating. But I feel like I carried him for all the years we were married and still now. At some point he has to take care of himself and it’s not my responsibility anymore is it?

[quote Twobigsapphires]@ElizaLaLa yes I’m aware this makes me selfish as I don’t need the money and he does. I would however ensure that the money gets put away for my dc so it would benefit them.

I am aware this could top him over the edge, hence why I have been procrastinating. But I feel like I carried him for all the years we were married and still now. At some point he has to take care of himself and it’s not my responsibility anymore is it?[/quote]
This a hard one because these arent normal times and hes not going to walk in to a job.

This is the sort of thing that people top themselves over. Lost his family, his job, hell lose his house, and hes already got mental health problems.

I'd drop the bitterness and see him as your kids father that they will want around.