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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you enjoy sex with your partner?

111 replies

Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:08

My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years and have a 1 year old. When we have sex, I’m just waiting for it to be over. I can’t get off and when he touches me I cringe. He’s a good dad and we get on well and never argue and I do find him attractive. Anyone outside would think we have the perfect relationship. But Is this normal?

OP posts:
Sinistersister · 21/03/2021 15:14

Yes very much so. 12 years together and five kids between us, 1 a toddler and 1 a baby together who is a few months old.

Singlenotsingle · 21/03/2021 15:15

Yes it's normal, happens to a lot of women. Maybe Nature wants us to concentrate on caring for the baby, not spending our energy on a man, and having another baby too soon?

Original poster
Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:17

But surely you can care for a baby and enjoy protected sex with your partner without thinking about another baby?

OP posts:
alanrickmanspetcat · 21/03/2021 15:18

I love it. I love my husband very, very much. I'm 6 months pregnant with a 6 year old in the house and still look forward to going to bed with him at night/waking up early in the morning

Blackcountrychik · 21/03/2021 15:21

No I don’t enjoy sex with my partner , it’s rubbish :( I’m someone who used to love sex and wanted it all the time , now I really want sex just not with my partner ! We’ve been together 3 years .

Original poster
Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:22

I feel the exact same @Blackcountrychik I love sex and think it’s a really important part of a relationship. When I was pregnant I wanted it all of the time. But now I just feel we’re not sexually compatible.

OP posts:
nonflirtinghusband · 21/03/2021 15:23

Same @Sanddownlane16 and @Blackcountrychik. I think it's because it's not very good! I need to talk to him about it but it's hard to raise it.

Scbchl · 21/03/2021 15:24

Yes I do. Can you "get off" on your own? If you can why don't you show him what you like and how to do it. Do you use any toys to help? Lots of people don't orgasm just with penetration. You say hes attractive but are you attracted to him?

TheGumption · 21/03/2021 15:24

Are you breastfeeding? We're all different but I honestly feel repulsed by the thought of sex when I'm breastfeeding. Currently feeding my baby and I feel a-sexual!

Original poster
Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:26

@Scbchl yes I can do it on my own and I’ve showed him. I’ve raised it with him before (not said I don’t enjoy it though). His fingers just feel really cold and bony on me and I hate it. With my ex I could get off very easily. He won’t use toys, or try anything more exciting, he’s very vanilla (which is fine) but I feel like I need more. I think I am attracted to him, but then I hate kissing him, too.

OP posts:
MumInBrussels · 21/03/2021 15:26

Are you breastfeeding? The hormones associated with that are known to supress women's sex drives, so it may well improve when you stop, if so.

If you've never enjoyed sex with him, that's a different question, though. If that's the case, perhaps he needs to dramatically improve his performance. Have you had sex you've enjoyed with previous partners? If so, can you suggest he try some of the things you remember enjoying, see if that makes things better? If not, is there anything you'd like to try that might make the sex better? I don't think it's very common (though as with everything to do with sex, it's far from unheard of and you are definitely not going to be the only person) to just not like having sex with someone you find attractive who's good at sex, so if you find him attractive and want to have sex, he's perhaps just not very good at it at the moment. But that can be improved!

Original poster
Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:26

@TheGumption No not breastfeeding. But since I’ve had my baby I hate the feeling of him on my nipples (sorry too much info) simply because I don’t see my boobs as sexual anymore.

OP posts:
ScarfaceCwaw · 21/03/2021 15:27

Well, I for one wouldn't call it "normal" in the sense of okay, acceptable and to be expected, no. I didn't necessarily want to be doing it frequently when my babies were small and I felt tired and touched out. But I always enjoyed sex when I had it or I wouldn't have been having it. I've never ever cringed at DH's touch. If Nature meant me to go off sex and concentrate on my babies, it forgot to send me the memo, apparently. Or maybe it just trusted me to use contraception.

I would be concerned about what's gone wrong in the relationship if a previously mutually enjoyable sex life was now unenjoyable to one partner.

DeathFromAbove · 21/03/2021 15:27

What’s normal though?
Everyone is different and everyone has different expectations from their relationships.
What might be normal to you might not be for me.
If you are unhappy about it though, perhaps you need to talk to someone professionally about your issues if you feel you can’t discuss it with your partner.

Original poster
Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:28

He finishes in about three minutes and will then say ‘do you want me to get you off’ and then it’ll be a case of sitting on the sofa while he tries. He won’t do it before sex, either. So, it’s a bit hopeless.

OP posts:
Scbchl · 21/03/2021 15:29

It doesn't matter if he doesn't like them. If buying a bullet to use simultaneously for clitoral stimulation makes you enjoy sex then go for it.

Just to also agree with what was said above. I did also feel repulsed by sex when breastfeeding but once I stopped it went back to normal. If you aren't breastfeeding and don't even like kissing him there's an issue really.

Whineandwine · 21/03/2021 15:31

@Sanddownlane16 is still early days and like others have said lots of changes have happened to you both emotionally and hormonally so what you are experiencing is certainly not unusual but if it is upsetting or worrying you you could try talking to a professional about it - maybe a counsellor or even your health visitor (depending on how approachable they seem!!)

Apileofballyhoo · 21/03/2021 15:31

Was it always like that? Why do you have sex with him?

Dontknownow86 · 21/03/2021 15:32

Not especially. I find it really quite boring and he always wants it at 3am or something stupid so I don't even want to try I just want to go to sleep. I've always liked sex before so I think it's just because I already know he won't put much effort in.

wusbanker · 21/03/2021 15:35

Why won't he do it before sex?

Popcornriver · 21/03/2021 15:35

Just read your update and no wonder you're finding him a bit of a turn off! Have you spoken to him about it? I thought it was a ladies first thing so to speak Blush and then the actual act is so much better as well.

Original poster
Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:44

I think I have sex out of necessity, in hopes that at least once it will change and because I want our relationship to work.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 15:44

He sounds terrible at sex!

Was he always, and if so, why did you feel differently before?

I think there is a period after childbirth when you feel all touched out and not very sexy but that usually passes. Feeling repulsed and him being this useless isn't normal.

couchparsnip · 21/03/2021 15:45

Urgh. He won't let you go first? No wonder you don't like it. He's being unreasonable about that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 15:45

If there's not foreplay and he cums in 3 minutes, it sounds like he's got PE as well.