Do you enjoy sex with your partner?

[Sanddownlane16]

My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years and have a 1 year old. When we have sex, I’m just waiting for it to be over. I can’t get off and when he touches me I cringe. He’s a good dad and we get on well and never argue and I do find him attractive. Anyone outside would think we have the perfect relationship. But Is this normal?

What's he like with the baby? Does he do his fair share of parenting? Housework? Does he only touch you to instigate sex? Has your day to day relationship changed?

You sit on the sofa whilst he tries to get you off? Why aren't you having sex in bed? Just thinking you might be able to relax more?

@teezletangler I'm kind of the opposite actually! i don't come easily from penetrative sex but I'm actually more likely to come during sex if I've got off beforehand. Yes I get multiple orgasms pretty easily, but the pay off I guess is that for me, coming during PIV is difficult and I tend to usually need direct clitoral stimulation. Funny how everyone is different!

But OP the one thing that is for sure if that your DP is making not nearly enough effort... even if you have different needs sexually to mine.

@teezletangler

Genuine, and totally off topic, question here. Those who like/need to come at the beginning, or before PIV- are you able to have multiple orgasms? Sex is more or less over for me once I've come- it's way too sensitive after, and the enjoyment has been had! (Same for a man surely). So I don't understand deriving any pleasure from PIV if you've already come. Curious about this. I guess everyone is different!

I have only ever had proper sex with DH, in that I also come and not just him!

I come first, and then during, usually manage to manipulate one at the end along with DH. The first time this happened I was quite sensitive but in a good way. It got less sensitive the more PIV happened after it.

It's worth mentioning this kind of sex isn't what happens all the time, I think that's unrealistic. It takes a lot of jiggery pokery for me to come so that's a once a fortnight(ish) activity. The rest of the time it's just normal sex which I still really enjoy!

Fascinating stuff. Slightly jealous of the multiple orgasmers. Only happens once for me, so gotta save it up til later. Though I think I'd be physically spent if I were climaxing three times!

It’s not normal to cringe when your partner touches or tries to kiss you, no. The issue is that your partner is a selfish, lame and unimaginative lover. If you can’t communicate with him on this you have to decide if you’re prepared to accept a sexless marriage.

@Flowers24

Those who orgasm is that through Intercourse? If so v jealous!

Yes. With a good partner, every single time. The one bloke who was appalling in the sack? No. Never. But every other partner I’ve had, yes.

With no judgement, I was amazed to hear on here that it’s unusual. I’ve been sexually active since I was 15 and have always orgasmed via PIV.

Yes I do enjoy sex with him, we've been together over 15 years and amazingly I still fancy him. I'm very lucky. But sometimes I'm a bit below par and I need to help myself enjoy it more so I close my eyes or turn the light off and imagine it's someone else, my latest crush or whoever. 🤭

@teezletangler

Genuine, and totally off topic, question here. Those who like/need to come at the beginning, or before PIV- are you able to have multiple orgasms? Sex is more or less over for me once I've come- it's way too sensitive after, and the enjoyment has been had! (Same for a man surely). So I don't understand deriving any pleasure from PIV if you've already come. Curious about this. I guess everyone is different!

Same!

teezletangler: For me, it depends on my mood/health/part of my cycle at the time, but generally, while sometimes slow to get there, once there I can usually orgasm multiple times as can my spouse, though with him, it depends on mood and types of stimulation.

Sanddownlane16: I've had times where I didn't and was actively turned off and cringing, particularly after our youngest was born. For me, it was part medical issues - I have significant deficiencies that fucked up my body's ability to use hormones and part I kinda got into my own head too much about it & that frustration got passed onto him. What helped was getting my medical issues under better control and basically taking our sexual relationship back to hand-holding and working our way back up, both of us re-figuring things out. It's worked well for us, but it takes time and consideration.

I would at the very least expect an immediate offer to get me there afterwards if I hadn't been there yet. (And I've never been disappointed, not by DH anyway.)

Jeez, I really have been sleeping with the wrong men. So many selfish, lazy bastards who think it's all over the moment they've finished.

Same OP. Have never orgasmed with him. He's a brilliant partner and fantastic in every other aspect, except in bed. We are so not compatible in the bedroom, and I don't have the enthusiasm to change things

Same @teezletangler, once it's over once that's it

My husband has always been very passionate about pleasuring me first before he finishes. I think having a good sex life brings u closer. But we've had phases where I've been less interested. Hopefully you will get your mojo back.

Have you tried mixing things up OP? How about trying some roleplay and introducing some new toys. Positions are also really key I think. I find it more difficult to orgasm if we do doggy, much easier if either one of us is on top.

I love sex with my DP but I do cum quite easily through foreplay and sex. If he didn’t make me climax I wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much. And there’s nothing less attractive to me than having to get the other one off after sex. My DP would feel incredibly emasculated if I got out my bullet after sex.

I'm the same atm. Dc is almost one and we've probably had sex about four times since... Before, we both wanted it all the time but now I couldn't think of anything more off putting as sad as that sounds.
I am still bf on demand and cosleeping so that's definitely not helping the situation but like op my oh is not great when it comes to foreplay he thinks after touching me for a few mins he can stick it in, come and be done with it. But everything has changed since DC came along. He doesn't touch me no more doesn't bother with any affection except a kiss good bye when he leaves in the morning n I'm starting to cringe at that now. There's nothing there no more 😔 idk how to bring it back. I tried explaining to him I'm not like a man and just get a boner and want to have sex. I need some attention before hand to actually make me want it etc. Atm I feel like we're just flatmates 👎 nearly 6 years together

@Sanddownlane16

He finishes in about three minutes and will then say ‘do you want me to get you off’ and then it’ll be a case of sitting on the sofa while he tries. He won’t do it before sex, either. So, it’s a bit hopeless.

You don’t want it because it’s crap. There may be other factors too (breastfeeding etc) but ultimately it’s crap, why would you want it?!

Why would putting up with it and doing it out of necessity change things? Is he doing anything to change things?
So it’s just you feeling more repulsed and turned off by sex with him. I’d say it’s worse than not having sex.

You need a frank conversation with him. Why is he so lazy with getting you off? Why won’t he do it before? Why is he asking rather than just doing?
If he’s a nice guy he needs a reality check
If he’s a selfish prick then stop having disappointing sex with him, why would you bother
Buy a vibrator and see if you suddenly gain a bit more interest

@Sanddownlane16

He finishes in about three minutes and will then say ‘do you want me to get you off’ and then it’ll be a case of sitting on the sofa while he tries. He won’t do it before sex, either. So, it’s a bit hopeless.

Well that’s just unacceptable. Either he makes a bit of effort or he doesn’t get anything either, selfish cock.

@teezletangler

Genuine, and totally off topic, question here. Those who like/need to come at the beginning, or before PIV- are you able to have multiple orgasms? Sex is more or less over for me once I've come- it's way too sensitive after, and the enjoyment has been had! (Same for a man surely). So I don't understand deriving any pleasure from PIV if you've already come. Curious about this. I guess everyone is different!

Yes to multiple orgasms, sometimes as many as 10/12 from manual and PIV combined.

I can usually eke out the last one during PIV but if I’m all done and can’t take any more then he gets a BJ or handy instead.

He’s utterly useless afterwards - we have very rarely attempted to let him go first and it ends badly! So now the rule is always ladies first, he would feel terrible if he hasn’t given 100% before it’s his turn.

Don’t settle for less. You get the sex life you are prepared to accept. If he’s shit at it he shouldn’t be benefitting from it. It’s no wonder it makes you cringe.

And there’s nothing less attractive to me than having to get the other one off after sex. My DP would feel incredibly emasculated if I got out my bullet after sex.

I can't really see why giving someone an orgasm after intercourse is any worse than giving someone one before intercourse. Especially if they haven't got there during the intercourse (or just fancy another go). And I'm generally fairly unimpressed at a man who won't incorporate toys because of his ego, even if they really help his partner get there.

Thanks to this thread I had an illuminating conversation with DH last night about why he has always been "ladies first" in the nearly 2 decades we've been together. He says he has never, ever talked to another man about sex or even heard anybody talking about "ladies first" as a thing, he just really, really likes getting me there. I'm not saying this because of smugness, but I went down a mindhole of being completely boggled by men and how, given that they know female orgasms are, you know, a thing, could just pump and roll off without even an effort and seriously think a woman is going to have enjoyed it.

How incredibly miserable that sounds, OP. The cold, bony hands and three minutes being a posh wank for him is grim.

You had a baby very early on in your relationship. What was it like before then?

@1FootInTheRave

I can't get enough of my dh. Together nearly 18 years.

You partner sounds terrible at sex. Not sure I could get past this if he made no effort to listen and improve.

This is us too. 11 years and still going strong in that department.

Doesn't anyone else kinda feel under a bit if pressure to get somewhere once they are done and trying to finish you off?

Like almost feeling guilty they are trying so hard but you just aren't getting anywhere?

My ex wasn't bad at it but tbh I couldn't cope with him touching me tbh and I kinda lived in my head for the whole time waiting for it to be over.

Tbh I think mainly becauase I've had a few ONS I've done the whole FWB thing. I used to be able to get sex whether it was good bad or in between whenever I wanted really. What I wanted from a partner but never really got was a mental connection. So there was just always something missing..if that makes any sense ?

Still I'm single now so it's irrelevant I guess

I think it's normal for sex frequency to change, especially when you have children.
However i don't think 'cringing' is normal, are you attracted to him?

Sorry meant to say it also kinda made me feel.lile a zoo animal being watched. I mean I should clearly be very grateful for a partner to be making the effort for things to be enjoyable. But it can go to far the other way the moment passes.... the actual sex part was always over too quickly i never got a chance to get into it.

My heart goes out to you OP because this has been me. I honestly thought I was going mad because I really enjoyed sex before babies and then my two came along (one in 2017 and one in 2018) and I just completely lost my interest in my partner, my body, sex, everything really. But by the sounds of it your case doesn't sound like postnatal depression, it sounds like you have a partner problem. I couldn't be bothered having sex with someone who behaved like a lazy 15 year old boy either, not attractive at all.

My sex life is now back on track nearly 3 years after my second was born, but it requires effort and mutual love, respect and communication. It has been a hard road but we've got there together and tbh the sex now is better than it ever has been. It takes both people to come together (oo err) to make it work, do you think your partner is capable of changing or has he always been like this?