Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you enjoy sex with your partner?

111 replies

Sanddownlane16 · 21/03/2021 15:08

My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years and have a 1 year old. When we have sex, I’m just waiting for it to be over. I can’t get off and when he touches me I cringe. He’s a good dad and we get on well and never argue and I do find him attractive. Anyone outside would think we have the perfect relationship. But Is this normal?

OP posts:
saffire · 21/03/2021 17:35

How did you manage to have a baby with him if he's so bad???

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 17:36

@saffire

How did you manage to have a baby with him if he's so bad???

She already explained this happened after she gave birth. 🌺

nicecoffeecup · 21/03/2021 17:47

The vast majority of times, YES. If we did not, then in reality I'd expect it ultimately leads to the end of a relationship.

Of course, that does not mean every time it's amazing, or even very good. Even when I'm not totally in to it I always make an effort for DH. I know what he likes (and doubtless he does the same for me too!).

Osirus · 21/03/2021 17:54

@Blackcountrychik

No I don’t enjoy sex with my partner , it’s rubbish :( I’m someone who used to love sex and wanted it all the time , now I really want sex just not with my partner ! We’ve been together 3 years .
After just 3 years? I think you need to move on, sadly.

I’ve been with my DH 15 years. I love sex with him. It’s as great now as it was in the early days, and I still want him as much.

If I felt as you so after 3 years, I’d definitely end the relationship. That’s not good at all.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/03/2021 17:58

Yes. Been together 25 years and sex is better than ever. We might not be as adventurous as we used to be, but he is great in bed.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/03/2021 18:01

Was sex any better before you got pg? Why marry him if it was terrible/if he didn't listen to you? He sounds pretty selfish.

If he won't listen to you saying how to make it better for you, then what else can you do? But if you're repulsed by the feeling of his fingers touching you then I'm not sure there's any way back from there, sorry.

May17th · 21/03/2021 18:07

@Sanddownlane16

He finishes in about three minutes and will then say ‘do you want me to get you off’ and then it’ll be a case of sitting on the sofa while he tries. He won’t do it before sex, either. So, it’s a bit hopeless.
So he finishes and the. You go straight to the sofa? Maybe tell him you want to go first!
tigerbread20 · 21/03/2021 18:09

I feel like this sometimes, but I've worked it it's at certain times of the month. Must be a hormone thing? Most of the time I enjoy it

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 21/03/2021 18:11

The only time I’ve had rubbish sex is when I was in a relationship that was past its sell/by or didn’t have real legs from the beginning. It was one relationship and he was always shite in the sack.

Otherwise, I’ve always had great sex in either a committed relationship or a FWB situation. I don’t accept an alternative. I speak up and if it doesn’t improve, I end it. Seems harsh but my pleasure is as important as his. If he doesn’t get this... bu-bye

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 21/03/2021 18:13

@Sanddownlane16

He finishes in about three minutes and will then say ‘do you want me to get you off’ and then it’ll be a case of sitting on the sofa while he tries. He won’t do it before sex, either. So, it’s a bit hopeless.
I’d say ‘fuck that’ but my reaction is the absolute opposite.

This is awful. Like you’re a chore. Christ, I’d rather DIY

Coffeeandcocopops · 21/03/2021 19:06

I think he should get you off first so that you are ready for penetrative sex. It is selfish and old fashioned for a man to sort himself out first. You need to talk to him and tell him what you want. He is lazy and selfish.

cuppycakey · 21/03/2021 19:18

OP you say you don't even like kissing him?

This relationship has run it's course.

TimetoHesitate · 21/03/2021 19:18

Must be awful to be with a DH that does not bother to make an effort or lazy in the bedroom. Probably extends to other areas of life too no doubt.

This could apply to a lazy non caring person of either sex, male in this case but female too

HelloILoveYou · 21/03/2021 19:23

My dsis told me she'd lost all interest in sex, and just lies there (the times when she did decide to go along with it), so it can happen for various reasons. She's still married but you can tell that her and her DH are leading very different lives, so it's had big impact on their relationship. I'd expect them to split when the kids are in college.

ChaBishkoot · 21/03/2021 19:31

So DH and I don’t have sex that often (kids, long work hours etc) but we are happily married and when we do have sex it’s great.
Has he always been bad in bed??

My DH is also quite ‘conservative’ sexually (I believe you used the word vanilla) but totally and utterly unselfish. I am not hugely adventurous either so it works well. But if I asked him to do something he would be up for it even if it hadn’t occurred to him.

teezletangler · 21/03/2021 20:26

It sounds like you had a good sex life before the baby and you enjoyed it? In which case, I think it's normal to not be interested in sex when you have a baby. DH and I had a practically sexless relationship during the baby years; I just couldn't reconcile BF and babies and sex, plus we were always knackered. We're making up for it now!

But it also sounds like your DH is just generally bad at sex... so was it always like this, or is he responding to your disinclination? I'm confused by your posts.

BurbageBrook · 21/03/2021 21:43

OP, he needs to get you off FIRST, seduce you, warm you up, be sexy and loving to you first.... it sounds like he's making zero effort with foreplay. In the early days when you're super horny and easily attracted then men can get away with it more, but now he needs to seriously up his game. No wonder you don't enjoy it!!

BurbageBrook · 21/03/2021 21:45

PS. For me, I literally find penetration painful if my DP doesn't make me come first. So he usually go down every single time before penetration. What is your DP actually DOING? He sounds dreadful in bed.

Borntohula · 21/03/2021 21:46

That's never happened to me, not even when I had young babies. The only time I've been 'off' sex is when I didn't find them attractive anymore. I've been with mine for nearly 3 years and can't get enough. Surely when it comes to sex/sex drive, there isn't a 'normal,' as such?

Borntohula · 21/03/2021 21:48

Didn't find my partners attractive anymore, just to clarify..

Flowers24 · 21/03/2021 21:49

Those who orgasm is that through Intercourse? If so v jealous!

ScarfaceCwaw · 21/03/2021 22:22

@Flowers24

Those who orgasm is that through Intercourse? If so v jealous!
I think most of us are talking about our DH/DP getting us off from hand or mouth before PIV. I certainly am. (As it happens I can come through PIV, although it's not a universal thing and relies on the right angle and stimulation, but I've always come first anyway unless I've actively chosen to get into the PIV before DH gets me off.)
teezletangler · 21/03/2021 22:27

Genuine, and totally off topic, question here. Those who like/need to come at the beginning, or before PIV- are you able to have multiple orgasms? Sex is more or less over for me once I've come- it's way too sensitive after, and the enjoyment has been had! (Same for a man surely). So I don't understand deriving any pleasure from PIV if you've already come. Curious about this. I guess everyone is different!

TaraRhu · 21/03/2021 22:31

Sex is a bit like going to the gym I find. I don't always want it but I'm always glad I did in the end. Also the more you do it the more you enjoy it.

We were incredibly close when our son was born and actually more sexually actively. Both very happy. So I do t think it's kids that put you off. It sounds like your partner just isn't that good at it and there's no spark there at all. How you deal with it is up to you. Do you love him? Are you willing to live in a sexually imbalanced relationship? Is he? Is he ope. To slicing things up? Not easy conversations to have. But you can't go on like this.

ScarfaceCwaw · 21/03/2021 22:32

@teezletangler

Genuine, and totally off topic, question here. Those who like/need to come at the beginning, or before PIV- are you able to have multiple orgasms? Sex is more or less over for me once I've come- it's way too sensitive after, and the enjoyment has been had! (Same for a man surely). So I don't understand deriving any pleasure from PIV if you've already come. Curious about this. I guess everyone is different!
Er, yes, fraid so. I often come once before and once during. Three times is not unknown. Even if I don't get off during, I often get riled up again and finish off, or request finishing off, afterwards.

I would at the very least expect an immediate offer to get me there afterwards if I hadn't been there yet. (And I've never been disappointed, not by DH anyway.)