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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just told 4 year old ‘being a grown up was rubbish’

351 replies

UserB · 21/03/2021 13:17

AIBU to really object to this? DD was playing around saying she wished she was grown up and DH said ‘You don’t want to be a grown up, being a grown up is rubbish’!!! I’m so annoyed with him, what a stupid thing to say! He says he meant enjoy being a child, obviously I agree with that, but why say something so negative? I don’t really know where it came from either, he has a very stressful job, but we have a lovely life and are in general very happy. He thinks I am totally over the top to be annoyed that he said it and tell him it was a silly thing to say. So AIBU?

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 21/03/2021 14:34

It sounds too me as though you have overreacted. He has stayed a truth (when compared to being a 4 year old). Surely most 4 year olds would as po has said think ‘yes silly adults washing up or not playing with toys’ type thought if anything.
Are you worried she will be upset or damaged by this ???
Obviously if she hears negative things all the time that would be worrying but a one off truth ? Surely not.
There’s a lot about tone which I can’t judge from post though . . .

Blondefancy · 21/03/2021 14:35

I say this all the time to DD who is 4! Being a grown up is rubbish, but when you’re a child you wish for the moment you’re older and it keeps going until you end up being an adult and feel that you wasted your child hood years yearning to be older! All my friends say it too!

Lemonlemonlime · 21/03/2021 14:36

I’m with you OP. It’s such a negative, pessimistic view. From a child’s perspective you could equally say there are so many things about being an adult that are better than being a child. I would tell him there is a lot of responsibility and lots of boring tasks but I’d also talk about the positives. Adults get to choose how much tv they watch, how they decorate their house, what time to go to bed, where to go on holiday within reason, whether to get a pet if they want to etc...

ballsdeep · 21/03/2021 14:36

Your poor oh. Seriously, if you get this wound up and uptight about this, goodness knows what you're like with things that really need worrying about!!

You child won't even remember what he said. However, they'll probably remember your ridiculous over reaction

Barneybear11 · 21/03/2021 14:36

Why sugar coat it? Being a grown up is rubbish. Better to prepare them.

DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 14:37

Your eldest might be in for a shock when he realises it's not all sunshine and roses!

You can't teach resilience by shielding them from even the slightest "negativity" as you put it.

Taking him aside and giving him a talking to, starting threads about him, being so annoyed about it and completely overreacting will be more tense and awkward than telling her the truth.

To insist you're usually "super calm" sounds like that's very unlikely tbh.

butterpuffed · 21/03/2021 14:37

@ChameleonClara

 <strong>This is really sad actually, I didn't realise so many people felt this way! I feel very out of step in this thread.</strong>

Don't be sad, so many MNers lately appear to love disagreeing with OPs just for the sake of it. It's not like real life.

Ohdoleavemealone · 21/03/2021 14:38

I tell my kids the truth! DS says adults can do what they want. I point out that even though "technically" they can - they really can't as there are consequences for actions and that this is the bit about being an adult that is rubbish.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

jessstan2 · 21/03/2021 14:40

My mother used to say, "School days are the happiest days of your life".

As if.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 21/03/2021 14:41

Just a gentle perspective, wierd how this has come up twice today , my DM was massive on only being positive and only looking on the bright side. Its a big source of contention with both dsis and I with her.

It meant she entirely minimised anything bad happening to us ,it didnt prepare us for the real world which came as a hell of a shock. When it did and we ever tried to speak to her about it for support it was minimised away and left us feeling worthless that we couldn't be these perfect positive people.

Everything negativewas ignored or reframed. I'm not saying you are as extreme as this but I would seriously caution you against this, it honestly at a point does not end up being a good parenting technique but a crappy way of closing down everyone around you.

My dsis is in her late 40 and I am in my early 40's and it still raises its head every so often.

Childcentric honesty is from my point of view far better parenting in most cases than trying to make the world like rainbows and kittens. Your dc will need to face the world with resilience, how will they do that if they have absolutely no concept of anything negative?

Its not meant to be a kick and I fully recognise my DM was extreme but just be aware that insistence on positivity without tempering with reality is rarely a good thing.

Original poster
UserB · 21/03/2021 14:43

@ballsdeep

I have already explained, I didn’t say anything in front of the children, so they won’t remember anything.
I have also tried to explain, I don’t avoid talking about death, or the hardships of life, or how fortunate we are personally, or that life can be very hard etc etc. I just reacted to it because I thought it was ridiculous to be so negative. I want them to be excited about life, not thinking being grown up is rubbish, particularly when we personally have to much to be thankful for.

OP posts:
MissKeithsNeice · 21/03/2021 14:46

Resilience isn't about existing in trouble free world. Resilience is about moving forward through those troubles.

It was just a flippant comment. Being able to differentiate between flippant and serious, or literal and metaphorical are really important skills.

Parkerwhereareyou · 21/03/2021 14:46

@TheChip

Being a grown up is rubbish
Yes, it's terrible. He just told the truth!! ; )

No, but come on ... he's talking to his child. He said it lightly and was joking. He's going to say lots of things as she grows up and you can't police it. You had a child with him and made a life commitment with him and ok you can temper what he's said by saying 'come on, Daddy, that's not true! Look at your [Lambourghini]!' or whatever lovely thing(s) (non-material/material) he has and just make a bit of a joke of it.

You know now that he is doing that thing of telling his kid how he feels. He's trying to make her appreciate how good she has it now. You can't control it all. You have to let him be himself and learn how to be a parent.

He v most likely will not say this to her when she's 18 and choosing a career (and he wants her to be successful).

Let it go. Oh gosh, let it go. There is sooooo much worse that can be said. Let him be a father and you be a mother and between the two of you, the kid will turn out fine.

billy1966 · 21/03/2021 14:46

I can understand your motivations OP.

If your husband is in a very stressful job, it sounds like some of that stress unconsciously leaked out.

I think when you have a very stressful job it can take your peace at the weekends, cause you to be more tired, not sleep as well.

That takes its toll.
It can definitely make it harder to be cheerful if it goes on for a prolonged period.

Diesse · 21/03/2021 14:47

Being a grown up is utterly rubbish. And you might have a lovely life, but maybe his isn’t so golden. Whatever, but don’t dismiss his feelings.

ktp100 · 21/03/2021 14:48

This reply has been deleted

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Herewegoagain84 · 21/03/2021 14:51

How on earth do you think this will affect your child?! It’s a throw away comment (and not an untrue one) - she’ll come across plenty of these in her life!

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 14:52

@UserB

We’ve dealt with death in recent years of close family members, no problems there except the obvious sadness, DD is not my only child (we have a few!) my eldest is almost an adult and not sensitive or damaged in any way from my being careful about saying certain things around them! DH is generally my best friend and I know exactly what is going on in his life - he isn’t terribly stressed or unhappy (aside from his demanding job) people are definitely reading too much into that! He just sometimes speaks without thinking.. whereas I think a lot. I also have no issues with anxiety though just to clear that up, am usually super calm and quite laid back! DD has always been a real thinker, the other children not so much.. My parents said really damaging things, I guess it makes me think differently. I don’t know why I reacted so strongly at the time, I don’t ever post on here usually. I just found it a really negative thing to say, when we’re really into teaching resilience usually. Obviously I’m in a minority with my thinking. That’s fine, we’re all different! I try to teach the children to have a positive mindset, look forward to things, while highlight how fortunate they are!
Fair enough op. I mean, he's not wrong but I get how it might have triggered a weird response,

I'm really not keen on this adulting lark at all, and regularly joke with my kids that I'm surprised no-one has turned up on my doorstep saying they made a mistake and I'm not supposed to be in charge of three other humans!

MrsKoala · 21/03/2021 14:52

Being a grown up IS rubbish, but it’s better than the alternative.

Thefaceofboe · 21/03/2021 14:52

Couldn’t get worked up about this at all. Yabu and over reacting

saraclara · 21/03/2021 14:53

Good grief. I thought I was bad for over thinking everything when my kids were small! Grown ups say this to kids all the time. I never took it seriously when it was said to me, and I doubt any four year old would (unless they've just heard their mum tell their dad off for saying it)

I was an over serious mum at times, and ended up with a rather over sensitive child because of it. I wish I could tell my old self to not panic that every single word and deed was not going to matter to the extent that I thought. But yep, even I wouldn't have thought anything at all of what he said. Childhood is fun, adulthood is a responsibility. That's all anyone means.

cathcath2 · 21/03/2021 14:54

yabu

saraclara · 21/03/2021 14:54

WAS going to matter, not was not. Sloppy editing.

Figgygal · 21/03/2021 14:55

But it is rubbish
I’m sure she’s not thought about it twice
And to suggest it’s setting her up for dreading being a grown up is just ridiculous

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/03/2021 14:59

Well maybe his life as a grown up is rubbish and yours isn't?

You've not said what you do so maybe you are a stay at home parent which no doubt has it's own stresses but you've said he has a stressful job and might be the only one earning? That puts a lot of pressure on someone even if they generally enjoy their job and a lot more if they don't.

Maybe he was just expressing his reality and he's perfectly entitled to do so. They are presumably his kids too so he also gets an opinion on what he wants to say to them.

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