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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this emotional abuse or aibu??

116 replies

CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 10:30

Hi, im in need of some desperate advice. DH and i been together a long time, we have had our good and bad times, like everyone i guess.. But ive had a niggling feeling for a long time that he might be emotionally bullying me. We have two children, which i do the majority for. I take care of all their needs in and out the home.
Some examples that might help you to understand what i mean - he asked to go out for the day, would be back at dinner time. I have been feeling pretty awful and on strong medication at the moment but also know he needs time to get out, so off he went. Dinner time came and he texts telling me he wont be back till much later. I remind him im feeling pretty awful and could do with his help. He then begins with his "oh ill just tell my friends im not allowed" "thanks for making me sit in the house bored" "ill come home but dont expect me to be happy and smiling with you" to name a few things. He come home eventually and lay in bed, in a huff and didnt help at all, kids asked him to make them some food, he said no. He believes its my fault and I deserve it because i wouldn't let him stay out?
He does things like this a lot, makes me feel really rubbish, then laughs and wonders why im upset.
Am i over reacting?

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 10:31

Wow.

No, you're not.

Bin him.

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:33

No, you’re not overreacting. I agree with pp, just leave. The kids will be happier if you’re happy.

Returnoftheowl · 20/03/2021 10:33

No, you're not over reacting.

Hohoholymoley · 20/03/2021 10:34

That's awful,he sounds like a stroppy teenager. Fuck that.

Muitolegal · 20/03/2021 10:34

Wow what a prick

Original poster
CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 10:36

If i say to him, your making me sad/frustrated etc, he will turn it on me, its my fault ive done something to make him act the way hes acting. Thanks for replying.

OP posts:
Hohoholymoley · 20/03/2021 11:07

No that's not right at all. It's not your fault. He should love you and want to make your life easier, not be a prick when you make it clear you are struggling.

Royalbloo · 20/03/2021 11:15

I've learned over the years to only give my feelings to those who will look after them. I'd never ask him for anything ever again and he'd be gone!

PurpleDaisies · 20/03/2021 11:19

Whether it’s “emotional abuse” doesn’t really matter. His behaviour is clearly out of order and he’s making you unhappy.

I’d be doing some serious thinking about whether you want to stay with someone like that.

SittingAround1 · 20/03/2021 11:23

Agree with PP he sounds like a moody teenager treating you like you're his mum.

Next time he says that you won't allow him say 'yes you can do what you want but don't bother coming back, this isn't an equal relationship and I've had enough'.

Or organise a day out for yourself whilst he looks after the children.
Do you cook, clean and generally do things for him around the house ? If so, stop.

Lillygolightly · 20/03/2021 11:39

You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour. He is acting like he is because he chooses to act that way, your not making him act like a prick, or an emotional bully OP, he IS an emotional bully.

JustDespair · 20/03/2021 11:56

Well he can fuck off. Sounds like a moody, manipulative and dramatic little teenager.

Remind the fucker they are his kids as well.

CrappingMyself · 20/03/2021 11:58

@CBaskin826

If i say to him, your making me sad/frustrated etc, he will turn it on me, its my fault ive done something to make him act the way hes acting. Thanks for replying.
You need to rephrase "you're making me sad".

Try, "when I ask for help and you refuse, it makes me think you don't care".

Ho does sound very immature @CBaskin826 in that he sounds like a child and you're his "mum" for spoiling his fun. I hope he has some redeeming qualities!?! If not, perhaps it's time to think about a more positive future for yourself?

justforthis7 · 20/03/2021 12:06

He sounds awful. YANBU.

Original poster
CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 12:23

He woke up just 10 minutes ago. Whilst ive been awake for hours with both kids and trying to hand in some work thats due over the computer. Thats my life, it just goes round and round. He hasnt spoken to me, hes walked right past and now sat on sofa on his phone. Im exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 12:24

@CrappingMyself ive tried that one, he will just say "i do care" and thats all i get.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 20/03/2021 12:26

He sounds like a total cunt.

What does he contribute to your life?

He clearly doesn't care about you or feel any responsibility for his dc.

CrappingMyself · 20/03/2021 13:18

[quote CBaskin826]@CrappingMyself ive tried that one, he will just say "i do care" and thats all i get.[/quote]
Ah, but saying it isn't the same as actually doing it. He needs to show you and pull his weight in being a partner to you and a father to your children. If he's not doing that, then it's not really a relationship. Sounds like you're doing the work whilst he's still not really grown up.

I think you need a serious sit down and talk with him about how he sees things and how you see them, and what you both need in this relationship.

Everyday21 · 20/03/2021 13:29

I fucking hate men who do thing tell their friends they're "not allowed" totally trying to avoid family life and making out their wives are making a fuss.

Someone I k now used to call his wife the fun police when she'd ask him to head home and constantly moan he couldnt do whatever he wanted. They had 3 gorgeous kids and he just wanted no parenting responsibility but tried to make out his wife was a nag. It's not on

Original poster
CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 13:49

I just had a conversation with him - i asked if he thought how he spoke to me was ok - he thinks he said nothing wrong. I said you were out all day, why isnt that enough? He then just mocks and counts exactly how long he was away, telling me there's 24hrs in a day so im wrong.
Hes really hurt me but he sees no wrong.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/03/2021 13:52

It must be pretty clear to you who he is. That isn’t going to change.

People on the thread can tell you you’re right, but you know that don’t you? The question is how much are you prepared to put up with?

Suzi888 · 20/03/2021 13:53

Correction, you have 3 children! You need to speak to him, he has responsibilities now. He’s allowed a break, but so are you. Right now you are sick and he needs to be there and act like a grown up.

DrManhattan · 20/03/2021 14:00

You might as well be on your own. In effect you already are. Get rid. Sounds like a waster

Gilead · 20/03/2021 14:12

I did this shit for over 20 years. The other side is bloody wonderful. Get out or get him out, he’s abusive and that’s not something you want your children to copy.

Thedogscollar · 20/03/2021 14:15

Hi OP, it sounds like you have 3 children with dh acting out as the stroppy teen.

He is bringing nothing to your relationship. You are putting in all the hard work. He is being dismissive of your feelings and making you feel guilty.

From what you've said your life can only improve if he isn't in it. You do not need to put up with this. You only get one life don't waste it on this useless man.