Is this emotional abuse or aibu??

[CBaskin826]

Hi, im in need of some desperate advice. DH and i been together a long time, we have had our good and bad times, like everyone i guess.. But ive had a niggling feeling for a long time that he might be emotionally bullying me. We have two children, which i do the majority for. I take care of all their needs in and out the home.
Some examples that might help you to understand what i mean - he asked to go out for the day, would be back at dinner time. I have been feeling pretty awful and on strong medication at the moment but also know he needs time to get out, so off he went. Dinner time came and he texts telling me he wont be back till much later. I remind him im feeling pretty awful and could do with his help. He then begins with his "oh ill just tell my friends im not allowed" "thanks for making me sit in the house bored" "ill come home but dont expect me to be happy and smiling with you" to name a few things. He come home eventually and lay in bed, in a huff and didnt help at all, kids asked him to make them some food, he said no. He believes its my fault and I deserve it because i wouldn't let him stay out?
He does things like this a lot, makes me feel really rubbish, then laughs and wonders why im upset.
Am i over reacting?

Jesus, just tell him you're going out, will be back around dinner time but don't expect that you'll be happy and smiley. Then leave.

That is emotional abuse, yes. And gaslighting.

I hope you find a way to escape this OP 😥

OP if you have to ask you are. This must end.

I'd rather be single than with a man like that

Good grief, your comment about him saying there's 24 hours in a day so you're wrong about him being out all day made me sick in my mouth. That alone would give me the ick without all the other nasty shit he's doing. Time for him to get fucked.

I had a conversation with him again, feeling like im desperately clutching at straws to try get something from him. I told him that i think its abusive, he laughed at me, telling me hows it abusive that he just wanted to stay out with his pals? I told him he just doesn't get it, he then told me i dont get it.. Like its tit for tat. I said i feel i have to go, and he told me to go for it and to not let him stop me.

So you go.

It will be difficult, especially with children but you will all be happier for it. Not immediately, but in the not so distant future. Loads and loads of men and women have done it and they would tell you the same thing.

Without him, you won't have to deal with someone letting you down when you need him because you won't be expecting anything.
You won't have to deal with someone gaslighting and ignoring you when all you did was ask that he came back the time that he said he would as you were feeling horrible.
The kids won't have to put up with a dad who is punishing them (saying no to cooking for them) because he's pissy with mummy because he couldn't spend his whole day at a friends place and ignoring his responsibilities.

This isn't a good man. It isn't a man who loves you. You deserve better, be that being on your own or with someone else in the future.
Do not let this man take the best years of your life and make them miserable.

This is very abusive. Op what iro suppprt do you have? Could you stay with your parents for example?

Where has he learnt these traits does his father treat his mother like this ? how old is he ?
I must be very fortunate as my OH has always been hands on with our 3 from when they where babies he would never stay out all day if I felt unwell unless he was at work,if my sons behaved like this with their wives they would get short shrift from me or their dad.
Get yourself sorted and get rid things will not get better after all this time he is gaslighting and you don't deserve it move on asap.

He's a bully, immature and is gaslighting you. Kick him out, why should you have to leave with your kids! Good luck

He just doesn't understand. I seem to have this thought that it must be me, i must be to blame.
Ive got all the screenshots of the way he acted yesterday, he told me to send it to everyone and watch them laughing at me because its no abuse and they will tell me that.
I love him so much, hence the reason im trying to give him so many chances.. But im exhausted trying now, to be told its all my fault.

OP, you should go and see a solicitor as soon as possible and start preparing to divorce him.
You may love him, but he doesn't love you and he's asked you to leave.
Don't desperately clutch at straws trying to understand why he's being this way. It doesn't matter.
Don't give him any more chances - he doesn't deserve it.

It's definitely not you OP, this is all your partner. You might love him but he's not actually a very nice person. I think you need to have a very serious chat with him that either it's 50-50 and he treats you with the respect you deserve or you're out. And mean it.
I don't buy that he doesn't see what he's doing is wrong either. He knows.

Accept that your DH is not a man, he is a teenager. He is sulking and mocking and belittling and ignoring your needs and your feelings. He is not a good husband, not a good partner and not a good father.

What is there to "love" about him?
If you were to see one of your children in a relationship like this, what would you tell them.
Get out, show the children what confidence looks like, and find a MAN who is one!

I would fake a cough. Tell him best he goes and stays with a mate incase you have Covid. Make plans to make it a permanent arrangement..

What do you love about him? Why do you love him? And why is that enough to accept his shitty behaviour and lack of respect, love, effort, everything?

Get rid of him, you don't need him because clearly you function perfectly well without him around and he doesn't contribute anything when he deigns to spend time in the house.

This is not how life should be. Change it.

@CBaskin826 he completely understands, his behaviour is deliberate and shows his complete lack of respect.
Be brave get some legal advice and decide what you want to do.

Sounds like you're doing all the trying to sort things out, talking to him, but he doesn't appear to be bothered about your relationship at all @CBaskin826.

I would recommend you look to end this relationship for your own mental wellbeing. Is your home in your name? If yes, tell him to leave. If not, can you go elsewhere - family/friends?

You’re in love with what he was in the beginning and the idea of being in love. You love what you would like him to be, not what he is.
What would you be telling a daughter who was going through this?

I would tell her she deserves so much better, because she does. Shes wonderful, and it breaks my heart that im struggling to show her that us, as woman, are worth so much more.

Leave. He IS being abusive. But stop asking if he thinks he is as he’s never going to agree, he’ll just put you down even more which will make you doubt yourself. Can you kick him out?

He is deliberately not understanding.
He laughs at you.
He will get worse if you stay.
Get out.
Love doesn't look like this.
You can't love him better & you can't fix it.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but when they laugh at your pain...you should walk.

What's the point of him? How does he in any way enhance your life or your kids' lives?

I guess I've always tried to be a people pleaser, its come from a traumatic childhood. I always try to see the best in others, always hope something will click, one day he will wake up and treat us as we should be treat, but i think its becoming clear that, that wont happen.
Does he bring anything too us? I guess a level of normality for me? Hes been around so long, i fear how my mental health would handle it if he was gone? Do i sound really stupid?
Im tired, ive hardly slept. Im thankful for each and every one of your messages, i am reading them all and taking them on board.