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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse or aibu??

116 replies

CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 10:30

Hi, im in need of some desperate advice. DH and i been together a long time, we have had our good and bad times, like everyone i guess.. But ive had a niggling feeling for a long time that he might be emotionally bullying me. We have two children, which i do the majority for. I take care of all their needs in and out the home.
Some examples that might help you to understand what i mean - he asked to go out for the day, would be back at dinner time. I have been feeling pretty awful and on strong medication at the moment but also know he needs time to get out, so off he went. Dinner time came and he texts telling me he wont be back till much later. I remind him im feeling pretty awful and could do with his help. He then begins with his "oh ill just tell my friends im not allowed" "thanks for making me sit in the house bored" "ill come home but dont expect me to be happy and smiling with you" to name a few things. He come home eventually and lay in bed, in a huff and didnt help at all, kids asked him to make them some food, he said no. He believes its my fault and I deserve it because i wouldn't let him stay out?
He does things like this a lot, makes me feel really rubbish, then laughs and wonders why im upset.
Am i over reacting?

OP posts:

JustDespair · 21/03/2021 14:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

On the fence on this one. If unwell, he should have come home if you were unable to cope but would you have asked him if he had been at work to come home early? Do you work or is he the sole earner so gets way less free time?

If your son had to ask permission to go out from his partner and then be told when he needed to come home what would you think?

Two sides to this.

He didn't need to come on early. She gritted her teeth until he was meant to be home and when he texted to say he wouldn't come home when he said, she reminded him she was unwell and needed him back for the kids.

The scenario you describe is different. And there's a massive difference between work and hanging with buddies!

Mittens030869 · 21/03/2021 14:16

Agree with PP he sounds like a moody teenager treating you like you're his mum.

Sadly, that’s exactly how it sounds. He’s making it sound like you’re spoiling his fun. Well sorry, he’s a parent, too, and the DC are as much his responsibility as yours.

YukoandHiro · 21/03/2021 14:20

"If i say to him, your making me sad/frustrated etc, he will turn it on me, its my fault ive done something to make him act the way hes acting"

Classic language of an abuser. Take a look at his wider behaviour. Are you now seeing it with new eyes?

Original poster

CBaskin826 · 21/03/2021 14:29

Thank you to each & every person taking time to reply.
Im studying full time, final year of my degree. Ive juggled that along with homeschooling a DD and raising a toddler basically all alone for the last year, so yes im exhausted.
He works, but due to covid has basically had the last year off. He maybe does a few bits and pieces totalling maybe 5-10 hours per week?
Exactly i never once hounded him to come home early, i just expected him to come home, when he told me he would be home, thats all.
He has basically not spoken a word to me since getting back on Friday.. Like a punishment, also as if he thinks if he punishes me enough, ill see i was wrong and not "prevent" him from doing anything fun again.

OP posts:

seepingweeping · 21/03/2021 14:31

My friend is in similar situation.

I hope she leaves him because he's a bullying bastard and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Neither do you.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 21/03/2021 14:32

Please please don’t stay with this man, he is at the very least selfish and your kids will grow up thinking that’s how women should be treated.
Make plans and get out.

JustDespair · 21/03/2021 14:33

@CBaskin826

Thank you to each & every person taking time to reply. Im studying full time, final year of my degree. Ive juggled that along with homeschooling a DD and raising a toddler basically all alone for the last year, so yes im exhausted. He works, but due to covid has basically had the last year off. He maybe does a few bits and pieces totalling maybe 5-10 hours per week? Exactly i never once hounded him to come home early, i just expected him to come home, when he told me he would be home, thats all. He has basically not spoken a word to me since getting back on Friday.. Like a punishment, also as if he thinks if he punishes me enough, ill see i was wrong and not "prevent" him from doing anything fun again.

Exactly that. He's trying to stop you ever asking him to come home on time again.

Mittens030869 · 21/03/2021 14:35

That is silent treatment and yes, it’s abusive, I’m sorry to say.

Nomoreporridge · 21/03/2021 14:51

OP - am so sorry to hear you are going through this.
My ex- husband used similar tactics. It’s abuse. Don’t listen to people saying you’re also in the wrong here. It is not nagging.
The reason why you’re confused is because every couple has arguments from time to time. Almost every husband and wife I know has pissed off their partner at some point. The difference is in a loving relationship people feel bad if they upset their partner and try to make amends, or try to find a compromise.
Look at how you’re feeling- if someone is making you feel shit all the time, then it isn’t healthy. You’ve already told him you find his behaviour unacceptable and he won’t do anything to change.

Don’t leave your home. Speak to a lawyer and quietly plan to leave.

Tistheseason17 · 21/03/2021 14:56

Your update makes me sad. He's a pig. You deserve so much better.

as above Don't leave your home. Speak to a lawyer and quietly plan to leave

Diesse · 21/03/2021 14:58

You’re right, but you know that. He won’t change, I have a hunch you know that too. You’ve a choice to make. Good luck.

Diesse · 21/03/2021 15:00

@Nomoreporridge

OP - am so sorry to hear you are going through this. My ex- husband used similar tactics. It’s abuse. Don’t listen to people saying you’re also in the wrong here. It is not nagging. The reason why you’re confused is because every couple has arguments from time to time. Almost every husband and wife I know has pissed off their partner at some point. The difference is in a loving relationship people feel bad if they upset their partner and try to make amends, or try to find a compromise. Look at how you’re feeling- if someone is making you feel shit all the time, then it isn’t healthy. You’ve already told him you find his behaviour unacceptable and he won’t do anything to change.

Don’t leave your home. Speak to a lawyer and quietly plan to leave.

Wise words.

CecilyP · 21/03/2021 15:09

He has basically not spoken a word to me since getting back on Friday.. Like a punishment, also as if he thinks if he punishes me enough, ill see i was wrong and not "prevent" him from doing anything fun again.

Yeah scrub my last post. He’s not just behaving as a spoilt teenager, it is emotional abuse.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/03/2021 16:07

This is so sad and part of the problem for you sounds like there's no one to contract his negative nasty dripfeed, so you are always hearing that things are your fault and that you are in the wrong, which makes it so hard to stand up for yourself in this situation. Plus as soon as you do, you are punished just like now.
I'm guessing that doing nothing to help with the children is only part of the picture and that he's not contributing much in other areas either. He sounds very uncaring and mean.
You need to give yourself kudos for holding down a full time degree course and doing everything else in the house and with children too, whilst feeling very unwell, Its no wonder you are exhausted. You are in your final year so its really important to get that completed if you can or if not get an extension. It will help you to move forward,

I agree with other posters that you should very quietly make plans and get advice. there's probably more help out there than you realise and you may be able to get some help from your student services. I say quietly because of his reaction to just saying that you could do with more help is ridiculous so don't tip him off. Get advice first,

MissPots · 21/03/2021 16:21

Does he actually being anything into your life? (children aside) does he make you happy, does he look after you, does he bring joy to the children, does he make you feel safe, does he even make you a cup of tea if he's having one?

If he does none of these things he's not a partner or an equal. Ditch him.

JillWoodhead · 24/03/2021 02:44

He's a knob. Get rid. How will you be worse off on your own?

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