Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this emotional abuse or aibu??

116 replies

CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 10:30

Hi, im in need of some desperate advice. DH and i been together a long time, we have had our good and bad times, like everyone i guess.. But ive had a niggling feeling for a long time that he might be emotionally bullying me. We have two children, which i do the majority for. I take care of all their needs in and out the home.
Some examples that might help you to understand what i mean - he asked to go out for the day, would be back at dinner time. I have been feeling pretty awful and on strong medication at the moment but also know he needs time to get out, so off he went. Dinner time came and he texts telling me he wont be back till much later. I remind him im feeling pretty awful and could do with his help. He then begins with his "oh ill just tell my friends im not allowed" "thanks for making me sit in the house bored" "ill come home but dont expect me to be happy and smiling with you" to name a few things. He come home eventually and lay in bed, in a huff and didnt help at all, kids asked him to make them some food, he said no. He believes its my fault and I deserve it because i wouldn't let him stay out?
He does things like this a lot, makes me feel really rubbish, then laughs and wonders why im upset.
Am i over reacting?

OP posts:
2late2fixate · 21/03/2021 11:11

Manchild.

You need to leave him. The couple of posters who are saying otherwise are completely wrong.

I think you already know @CBaskin826 that his behaviour is disgusting.

dancinfeet · 21/03/2021 11:13

Sounds like my ex. He used to 'punish' for asking him to take care of his kids. If I had to work on my day off occasionally, or had a medical appointment he would stomp and sulk and not speak to me. He saw anything to do with the kids as the house as my responsibility and any contribution he made was him doing me a favour and helping me out, he never saw it as his responsibility too. Hence why he is my ex.

CecilyP · 21/03/2021 11:15

I’d be in a mood too if I was having a good time and decided to stay longer

But just for one short window of your life, when you have small children, a mature person accepts that they’re own ‘good time’ sometimes has to be curtailed. Unlimited good times can be has when you’re single or when you’re children are grown up.

FireflyRainbow · 21/03/2021 11:15

Op you are not overreacting. That sounds awful. What a horrible abusive man.

mrsbyers · 21/03/2021 11:15

Get your stuff together and go out - leave him
to feed and care the kids

Thehawki · 21/03/2021 11:18

Ignore those saying that he is in the right. You weren’t well and needed help, a loving husband would have come back and handled everything until you felt well again. At which point it would be 50/50. Instead he came back, and caused more trouble for you while you weren’t well! So now you’re taking on 150% of the load because he’s being childish and expecting you to facilitate his need to be stroppy. You can’t live your life looking after your children and him.

Seek any and all help that you can get OP. If I were in your position I would be looking to leave him ASAP. You’re worth so much more than he tells you. It’s very convenient for him to have you doing everything for him and the kids under the guise of it being your fault, of course he’s going to keep you in this position.

LakieLady · 21/03/2021 11:31

@mrsbyers

Get your stuff together and go out - leave him to feed and care the kids
That's exactly what I'd do, even if it meant I had to spend all day sitting in a bus shelter reading a book. And I'd turn my phone off.

It sounds to me like he's not interested in being part of a family, OP, so stop treating him like one. My ex was an abusive fuckwit, and he only got that our marriage was over when I stopped shopping, cooking and doing laundry for him. (No kids, thankfully).

And don't worry about his family owning your home. Gettting you out would take at least a couple of years, according to MNers who are also landlords. You'll have plenty of time to make plans, and there are people on the legal board on here who can give advice on your rights (as can Women's Aid).

2ndtimemum2 · 21/03/2021 11:31

@Zig4zag

Bit childish but not emotional abuse. I think you are both in the wrong. You nagged him to come home, he went in strop.
Please tell me you posted on the wrong thread!?!? Seriously I actually feel so sorry for you that if you don't identify this as abusive behaviour what sort of life your living....

Op his behaviour is disgusting he wants the family without the responsibility, you deserve more

2ndtimemum2 · 21/03/2021 11:35

@IEat

He asked to go out He was going to be late he told you You say you need help He comes home and is in a mood I’d be in a mood too if I was having a good time and decided to stay longer

I think that as you are font everything you feel it’s unfair on you that he went out.

You both need to talk

Please please please tell.me you don't have kids!!!!!
Poolbridge · 21/03/2021 11:49

@Thehawki
This.

He’s a shit. Life is too short to be dealing with a man child like him. Disgusting behaviour.

thethoughtfox · 21/03/2021 11:51

Shift the narrative. Start going out yourself and doing the same thing. Don't make a big deal out of it, though.If you feel you couldn't go out yourself regularly, there is a bigger problem here.

bookworm29x · 21/03/2021 11:55

He's being a dick. YANBU, I'd leave him. When you decide to have kids with someone that means you cut out the childish shit.

thethoughtfox · 21/03/2021 12:05

Maybe steer clear of the word abuse. To most people, they think of violence and horrific behaviour so people who don't understand the dynamic of your relationship and see this one-off incident won't understand. Especially the way he will describe it.

suggestionsplease1 · 21/03/2021 12:18

I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse no. It's shitty, neglectful and completely immature. Unfortunately he seems to hold the cards in that he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of being a prick, ie the relationship breakdown.

2ndtimemum2 · 21/03/2021 12:26

@suggestionsplease1

I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse no. It's shitty, neglectful and completely immature. Unfortunately he seems to hold the cards in that he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of being a prick, ie the relationship breakdown.
He uses the silent treatment to punish her, refused to feed the kids to punish her and laughed at her and told her people would laugh at her if she showed them the messages he sent....what do you think emotional abuse is then?
Tistheseason17 · 21/03/2021 12:31

OP, get your ducks in a row.
Get copies if all financial infi, get all your personal ID, Driving licence and birth cert plus passports for you all.
Put money aside for your leaving fund.
This is not good for your long term health and well-being.
No way my husband would have gone out in the first place when I was that unwell as he cares about me.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/03/2021 12:42

You’re not going to change him. You may as well be officially a single parent.

Flowers24 · 21/03/2021 12:42

You are not over reacting at all, you should not be treated this way!

Hotfootit · 21/03/2021 12:43

My DH tried this one on me when we were first married - ask if he could go out and then I couldn't win. If I said no, he could sulk. If I said yes, he could stay out all night and get pissed and I couldn't complain.
I got fed up. Like you either way I lost. I explained I wasn't his mum. He had to decide what he wanted to do, make the decision and tell me. I would then decide if this was a relationship I wanted to stay in. I won't tell you how it worked out for me - it's not relevant. But it changed how he looked at things and made me feel better about the decisions I made for me.

He makes his decisions and controls his behaviour. You decide if you (and your kids) are prepared to live with those decisions and that behaviour. You then make your decisions accordingly. It's hard when you've sunk a lot of time and effort into a relationship and you have kids, but this is who he is. Only you can decide what you are prepared to put up with.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/03/2021 12:50

@RachelRoth

‘This relationship is no longer working for me... because you are a selfish nobhead. Please leave by the end of the month. We will discuss maintenance and access arrangements in a few days time, as right now I’m still pretty angry that you are such a selfish immature piece of work. Ive lost all respect for you.’

And cms for the money as he doesnt strike me as being a man who thinks his children need to be clothed and fed by him.

Totally agree with this.

It’s difficult to say whether it’s emotional abuse or just him being an immature selfish prick, but you deserve better than either of those. Your mental health will improve no end without him dragging you down. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now. Have faith.

Plenty of us have been there and left someone who was making us feel like shit. It’s a scary few weeks.

Then it becomes the new normal.

Then you’ll be elated when you realise that he is the source of so much stress in your life.

If he’s an even vaguely ok dad, he’ll have the DC over once or twice a week and you’ll get an actual break. Which again, is scary and lonely at the start but soon becomes an oasis in the desert of parenting!

What’s your money/work situation? How old are the DCs?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/03/2021 12:51

He uses the silent treatment to punish her, refused to feed the kids to punish her and laughed at her and told her people would laugh at her if she showed them the messages he sent....what do you think emotional abuse is then?

And yes, actually rereading that it’s clear that he is abusive, sorry OP.

MadeForThis · 21/03/2021 12:52

You are already doing it all yourself anyway. Without him there you can focus on the dc and not worry if he is going to behave like this. You don't need his drama. He's worse than a teenager.

JustDespair · 21/03/2021 13:56

@suggestionsplease1

I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse no. It's shitty, neglectful and completely immature. Unfortunately he seems to hold the cards in that he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of being a prick, ie the relationship breakdown.
Silent treatment. Gaslighting. Mocking. Emotional abuse.
AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 21/03/2021 14:04

As much as I am thinking that yes, it is emotional abuse, I think that at this stage the label doesn't matter, and people arguing over this are kind of missing the point.
Yes, I know, the question is the title of the thread, but I think most of us can look at this situation and agree that, no matter what you call this, OP is deeply unhappy, and her partner is treating her really badly.
This is not a relationship anyone would want to stay in.
He doesn't deserve you.
Do not call yourself a doormat.
Do not engage with posters who call you a nag, save your energy for more important things.
You are not thinking clearly, you are in a awful situation, and he is taking the piss.
You are starting to see what is happening.
I hope you can leave soon.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/03/2021 14:07

On the fence on this one. If unwell, he should have come home if you were unable to cope but would you have asked him if he had been at work to come home early? Do you work or is he the sole earner so gets way less free time?

If your son had to ask permission to go out from his partner and then be told when he needed to come home what would you think?

Two sides to this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread