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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse or aibu??

116 replies

CBaskin826 · 20/03/2021 10:30

Hi, im in need of some desperate advice. DH and i been together a long time, we have had our good and bad times, like everyone i guess.. But ive had a niggling feeling for a long time that he might be emotionally bullying me. We have two children, which i do the majority for. I take care of all their needs in and out the home.
Some examples that might help you to understand what i mean - he asked to go out for the day, would be back at dinner time. I have been feeling pretty awful and on strong medication at the moment but also know he needs time to get out, so off he went. Dinner time came and he texts telling me he wont be back till much later. I remind him im feeling pretty awful and could do with his help. He then begins with his "oh ill just tell my friends im not allowed" "thanks for making me sit in the house bored" "ill come home but dont expect me to be happy and smiling with you" to name a few things. He come home eventually and lay in bed, in a huff and didnt help at all, kids asked him to make them some food, he said no. He believes its my fault and I deserve it because i wouldn't let him stay out?
He does things like this a lot, makes me feel really rubbish, then laughs and wonders why im upset.
Am i over reacting?

OP posts:

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 21/03/2021 08:47

I don't know about an official label ( emotional abuse etc), but here is my label for him : selfish, entitled prick. You deserve so much better OP. He is treating you very unfairly.

Royalbloo · 21/03/2021 08:47

God I used to have this - he'd stay up late and then get up at 1pm and spend an hour in the bath and then declare he needed to go and help someone do something, end up in the pub and ruin our day. We have the best life now without him, our house is so much fun and we aren't "waiting" on anyone or on edge seeing what sort of mood he will be in. He simply cannot ruin our day now!

Royalbloo · 21/03/2021 08:48

And people like him rely on your instinct to be nice and exploit it - he knows he can do it so he is. That's on him, nothing to do with you or your worth.

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 21/03/2021 08:53

Just seen your latest post. I hear you.
I was raised by a very abusive mother and I am still dealing with it.
So I have been a people pleaser all my life, find it hard to be assertive, hate confrontation. And of course I have been in abusive relationships, it's often the case for those of us who have had that type of childhood.
It can take a while for us to see what's acceptable vs what's abusive.
It sounds like the only reason why you are not leaving is because you are scared of the unknown, and of course, you are exhausted ( having two kids and a useless husband will do that to you, not to mention the emotional toll of living with a selfish person who sulks and blames you).
It is perfectly natural to feel scared and unsure at this stage.
Is there anyone who can help you?
I honestly think you will be a great deal happier without him. It's not like you will miss out on his help, and you will just enjoy being with yourself again. Good luck

Newmumwales · 21/03/2021 09:14

You will be so much happier with the kids by yourself lovely girl. He is abusive emotionally and you deserve better. Who’s house is it? Get him to leave! x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2021 10:03

Not that’s not on at all. Definitely EA in my opinion, as he’s literally using your emotions and feelings to control you / manipulate you into a course of action. In this case, being letting him do whatever he wants.

KarmaStar · 21/03/2021 10:05

His negative energy is drowning you op,you need to get him out of your home and life.Get your finance in order and when you're ready and it.
Don't look back,you will feel so much lighter,free and exhilarated to be rid of him and,to a great degree,will your children.
If you can't do it for you,do it for them,before they think this is acceptable behaviour.
You can do it you know.

LagunaBubbles · 21/03/2021 10:08

Trust me your mental health will improve in the long term without dealing with this abuse.

RachelRoth · 21/03/2021 10:12

‘This relationship is no longer working for me... because you are a selfish nobhead. Please leave by the end of the month. We will discuss maintenance and access arrangements in a few days time, as right now I’m still pretty angry that you are such a selfish immature piece of work. Ive lost all respect for you.’

And cms for the money as he doesnt strike me as being a man who thinks his children need to be clothed and fed by him.

Zig4zag · 21/03/2021 10:25

Bit childish but not emotional abuse. I think you are both in the wrong. You nagged him to come home, he went in strop.

Original poster

CBaskin826 · 21/03/2021 10:26

Drowning. That honestly sums up how im feeling. He hasnt spoken to me still. He is obviously trying to punish me. Hes still in bed, again. I am a doormat amnt i? This is his families property, so i would have to go. Where do i go though? He just comes across to me as a very angry, sad, judgemental, righteous person. Even with the cards ive been dealt through life, i still try to remain positive and smiling. Its so hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

CBaskin826 · 21/03/2021 10:28

@Zig4zag

Bit childish but not emotional abuse. I think you are both in the wrong. You nagged him to come home, he went in strop.

I absolutely did not nag him. He told me he would be home for 5. Then decided he was going to actually come back when ever he fancies, i reiterated to him i need his help due to being unwell & on strong medication to bathe the kids and get them to bed, he took a strop. Maybe dont just read what you want to read.

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 21/03/2021 10:29

You are worn down and tired just now, when I was in a similar situation, I started by just telling myself not to expect anything from him, and keeping the mindset of a single parent, so arranging my own timetable, in a way that I could cope with, including fun things, treats and outings with the children occasionally, so that his only input was sharing the bills. That gave me space to think and recover, with out the constant strain of arguments and disappointed hopes. Once I felt strong enough, I made an appointment with a solicitor, and when I had got that far I knew there was no going back. After trying to get him to see my point of view for 3 years, it was a relief to stop all that, and just make my own decisions, from there it took about 6 months, to get the divorce underway, sort the finances and live my life!

Zig4zag · 21/03/2021 10:30

Sorry i meant guilt tripped him.

Original poster

CBaskin826 · 21/03/2021 10:31

@Zig4zag

Sorry i meant guilt tripped him.

Oh your definitely one of those arent you. Guilt tripped my husband into expecting him to be back, when he said he would? You know, show respect for his wife.

OP posts:

Original poster

CBaskin826 · 21/03/2021 10:33

Thank you, perhaps that is a good idea, sort my children and myself only. Im glad people who chose to leave, are living life the best way possible.

OP posts:

CecilyP · 21/03/2021 10:39

He then just mocks and counts exactly how long he was away, telling me there's 24hrs in a day so im wrong.

So not just a stroppy teen but a smart-arse teen as well. He really is acting like a child and you’re his mum. He certainly needs to grow up!

CecilyP · 21/03/2021 10:50

Ive got all the screenshots of the way he acted yesterday, he told me to send it to everyone and watch them laughing at me because its no abuse and they will tell me that.

God, even more of a smart-arse teen. Don’t know how you can love him. It’s like you’re a grown woman with 2 kids married to a petulant schoolboy!

Cam2020 · 21/03/2021 10:50

What's nasty shit of a 'man'.

CecilyP · 21/03/2021 10:57

Bit childish but not emotional abuse. I think you are both in the wrong. You nagged him to come home, he went in strop.

Sorry i meant guilt tripped him.

Do you really think it is nagging or guilt tripping for one parent to ask the other parent to help with their own children when the first parent is feeling unwell. A decent person would do it in a heartbeat. Just read the OP again and while I don’t think it’s emotional abuse, he does sound absolutely insufferable!

WhatMattersMost · 21/03/2021 10:57

@CBaskin826 - There's no way of engaging with him meaningfully, and there is no way of expressing yourself so that he sees the light. None. As soon as you are able to accept this, the more peace is available to you. And the more space to make healthier decisions.

I also grew up in an abusive environment, and I had relationships with men who sound like your husband - because that was all I knew. That's what "love" was; that's what was modelled to me as a child.

Your husband's behaviour is designed to silence you and put you on the back foot. He's not interested in anything else, and he's certainly not interested in meeting you halfway. He is not remotely interested in accepting one iota of responsibility, and I'll bet my hat that you had a parent who was the same.

The only way you can extricate yourself from this is to get out of your head any notion of "winning", and leave - even if it makes you look like the loser, you won't be. He is, because he will never change. You, on the other hand, can - and that's the best revenge there is.

Leave, get therapy to work through your childhood, spend some time alone. Find yourself again. You've probably been missing you for a very long time.

pickingdaisies · 21/03/2021 10:58

Ignore Zigzag, I don't know what they are reading.
I agree with others, you need to mentally check out for now, stop trying to explain, discuss, beg. Plan your day to day as if he isn't there, then you won't be disappointed. Also means you stop doing his washing, ironing, whatever. Don't get into an argument about it, just stop.

IEat · 21/03/2021 11:04

He asked to go out
He was going to be late he told you
You say you need help
He comes home and is in a mood
I’d be in a mood too if I was having a good time and decided to stay longer

I think that as you are font everything you feel it’s unfair on you that he went out.

You both need to talk

emptyraspberry · 21/03/2021 11:07

@Zig4zag

Bit childish but not emotional abuse. I think you are both in the wrong. You nagged him to come home, he went in strop.

The OP had been looking after the dc all day, is unwell, on strong medication and needed some support. She did not nag him.

A nice person would go straight home and take over, not get into a childish strop. And it's not a one-off either by the sound of it.

Asking their dc's father to look after his own children is not 'nagging' ffs.

BanginChoons · 21/03/2021 11:08

@CBaskin826

Firstly, well done for recognising this situation for what it is. I would recommend this book to learn more about his behaviours:
g.co/kgs/Nh1kxH

Next, you need a means to support yourself. If you are not working, you can make a claim for benefits, even whilst still living with your ex. You must live as separate households to be eligible for this. For example doing separate food shopping, splitting the bills, cooking separately etc. For advice on this you could contact Gingerbread
www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/

If you no longer feel safe living in the household, you could contact women's aid for advice
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Best of luck to you. The grass is certainly greener.. in fact, it's beautiful out here.

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