Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re 17 year old DSS

207 replies

Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 08:29

17 year old DSS lives with us full time he a good boy and he a fully integrated member of the family before anyone accuses me of being the wicked step mother

He turns 17 in May and Dh and I (family finances so joint decision) have said that we will buy him a car and pay for his insurance for his birthday and Christmas presents this year we will obviously get him a few extra bit but the budget is blown by the car.

Our budget is circa £5k for both and we have been looking at what option we can get for a car. DSS wants a VW up which all seem to be more expensive than our budget and he is now just moaning about the fact that he doesn't like any of the other cars this has really annoyed me

He gets £135 a month allowance and on top of that we pay for his phone £56 month and in non covid times gym membership and give him money for lunch at college. Again in non covid time we pay for him to do his hobby which is an additional £129 a month.
Our cleaner has recently left and I said to DSS did he want to do it and I would pay him the same £14 an hour as he will need to run his car etc. ( I'm not talking about the toilets) but the other jobs and he said no

We also have 2 dogs and i've offered to pay him to walk the dogs a couple of times a week so its one less thing for me and Dh to do. Doesn't want to do it

I feel like he is a spoilt brat . Dh is bloody fuming and told him that he needs to stop buying crap with his saved pocket money and he is going to have pay for his driving lessons and provisional licence.

I'm now feeling a bit mean but he is just so spoilt and has literally no idea about the value of money (which is our fault) and was saying yesterday he will take his car to be cleaned once a week instead of doing it himself

How would you deal with this and getting to stop being so bloody lazy!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 08:32

I should add I have looked for jobs for him but there doesn't seem to be much around atm

He is at college.

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 20/03/2021 08:34

Why on earth is a mobile contract £56 a month?? He needs a job to run his car and don't give him a choice, you get whatever suits your budget and he should be bloody grateful. He gets £135 allowance £129 for hobby plus gym £40/£50 a month plus the extortionate phone bill. You give him the best part of £400 a month £5k a year for nothing and wonder why he acts like a brat.
He's more than old enough to get a job.

KingdomScrolls · 20/03/2021 08:36

He can deliver for just eat etc once he has a car , friend of mine is doing it to top up wage losses this year, she earns £50+ doing 3 hours in the evening

Lentillover1900 · 20/03/2021 08:36

He is not a “good boy”

He is spoilt and unpleasant
But this won’t be an overnight thing
Indulgent and lazy parenting over many years will have contributed to making him think this is acceptable behaviour as a 17 year old

TheWitchersWife · 20/03/2021 08:37

You've been giving him too much. Why would he earn it when currently you've given him everything he wants without him having to lift a finger?
At 16 I used to have to wash my dad work van and jet wash his cleaning supplies to earn £20 a week pocket money, and £12 of that went on my mobile phone bill. Not saying that's a good example as looking back it seems a bit tight and I'd have to jet wash in the freezing cold with numb fingers, and I couldn't not feel like doing it because my phone was on contract, so I think my family took it too far.
But I also think of my parents gave me £200 a month and I didn't have to earn it in anyway, I couldn't see me volunteering to do extra for another £14 or so.

2ndtimemum2 · 20/03/2021 08:38

Op I have a son similar age to yours and I had planned to get him a car and insurance and tax etc but a good friend of mine told me.thst if you buy him the car he won't value it, the mindset of easy come easy go and that really hit home for me. Also does he really need a car at the moment?

The fact is there is a job you offered him a cleaning job and he refused it. You are making it too easy. Luckily my son has a part time job so makes life easier but I am no longer buying him the car I will instead pay for the lessons and the insurance but it up to him to buy the car...it will probably take him a while to save up but in reality he really doesn't need a car.

Neolara · 20/03/2021 08:38

My 16yo gets £50/month and I've told her she needs to get a job if she wants more money.

I think you are right. He has so much money, he doesn't know the value of it. I'd consider dropping his allowance. I'd also tell him that if he only wants a VW, that's completely fine, but it's too much money so you won't be buying him a car. And follow through until he backtracks significantly.

DinosaurDiana · 20/03/2021 08:39

Wow, you give him a lot of money.
It’s no wonder he’s like he is. He needs to get a job and learn the value of money.

Standrewsschool · 20/03/2021 08:39

I think hold tight and stick to up your budget. If he wants a more expensive car, offer to put the money in a bank account, and he can save up towards it. It seems now is the ideal time for him to learn about the value of money.

To be honest, I think you are very generous. Curious to know what hobby costs £130 a month.

DinosaurDiana · 20/03/2021 08:40

And, when doing the research on these little cars, my DH thought the Toyota Yaris was safest.

ghostyslovesheets · 20/03/2021 08:40

You arent really giving him any incentive to work 🤷‍♀️

My eldest had a car off her dad for her 18th but it was a safe cheap one and she hasn’t passed her test yet due to covid - she pays for her own phone from her job and will pay her insurance as well - she works stacking shelves in a supermarket- £9 an hour as does her 16 year old sister (less money for her!)

I pay for all education stuff such as bus fare and food at college but they buy their own take aways and trainers etc!

Start setting boundaries

NoGoodPunsLeft · 20/03/2021 08:41

Wow, he is very spoilt! That's a lot of money to spend on him. I know we aren't in normal times but he needs to get a job as soon as he can. No way would I pay him to do stuff round the house he should be doing anyway Shock he's perfectly capable of vacuuming/dusting/whatever, Nd why can't be clean a toilet Confused

dontdisturbmenow · 20/03/2021 08:41

I feel like he is a spoilt brat
Yes he is but don't blame him for it. He is because he has been brought up with a sense of entitlement.

This is the outcome.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 20/03/2021 08:42

You’ve spoilt him. At 17, it’ll be hard to pull back, but not impossible.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 20/03/2021 08:42

He's going to be in for a shock when he is out in the real.world, his future wife will be on here complain ing that he does nothing round the house Grin

hardboiledeggs · 20/03/2021 08:42

Drop the allowance down, that’s far too much. He needs to work for his cash. Call centres are always looking for staff, they are all mainly working from home also so maybe look there? I wouldn’t be buying him a call until I was sure he was grateful for it or he will learn nothing. He’s 17, he need you and your DH to help him learn how to be an adult.

TomHardyAndMe · 20/03/2021 08:43

@KingdomScrolls

He can deliver for just eat etc once he has a car , friend of mine is doing it to top up wage losses this year, she earns £50+ doing 3 hours in the evening
Business class insurance for a new driver will probably add a zero.
Fandangoes · 20/03/2021 08:43

One thing to consider is the VW Up is actually one of the cheapest cars to insure you might save some money there

Bagelsandbrie · 20/03/2021 08:44

Wow. That is an insane amount of money to give to a 17 year old! He’s never going to want to get a job if he gets all that - where’s the incentive?!

My 17 year old dd gets £10 a week pocket money and £15 on her lunch card for college and £20 a month for her phone. We also pay her contact lenses for £13. I will buy her the odd clothing thing if she really likes it - maybe about £40 a month but I don’t give her the money, I’ll buy it for her.

I want her to want to get a part time job. There isn’t much about right now but I want her to try. Budgeting is an important lesson to learn.

Jumpers268 · 20/03/2021 08:45

When my sister passed her test, parents paid for the car and she had to pay for the insurance. The money for the car was also a loan which she had to pay back. My first years car insurance after I passed (I was 31 when I passed!!!) was £1800+. I'd recommend Fiesta of KA for a first car. They're cheap to buy second hand and also cheap re maintenance.

We also had to earn our allowance. It wasn't just given to us for nothing. If we were dickheads we'd lose our allowance. Obviously hindsight is a wonderful thing but I'd suggest reducing his monthly allowance to £0 and he would need to earn the money back. Also nothing stopping him from getting a part time job (supermarket?).

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2021 08:46

What’s wrong with cleaning toilets? He uses it, why would he be too fragile to clean it?

No one needs a £56 phone contract, that mad.

He’s used to being a spoiled tiny emperor, that’s on his upbringing. No car or insurance if he won’t have a way of running it.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 20/03/2021 08:46

Slightly missing the point here but what is unreasonable about a 17 year old cleaning toilets? Especially ones he uses?

I think you have hit the nail on the head yourself - he does sound spoilt and has become lazy as a result. Stop doing so much for him. 17 year olds don't NEED a car so that would be the first thing off the table for me, especially given his attitude towards it.

He needs to help round the house. Never mind paying him for cleaning/dog walking, he should be helping out with family chores at his age. I would do a cleaning/dog walking rota. If he refuses, then he can say goodbye to his phone contract for a start. You will be teaching him the life skills he needs, plus an appreciation for what it takes to run a house. When he moves out no-one is going to pay him to clean his own house.

pumpkinpie01 · 20/03/2021 08:47

God he has a lot spent on him already , curb that in asap. He shouldn't be paid for walking the family dog it should be a pleasure! He needs to look for a job learn the reality of money.

GarlicMonkey · 20/03/2021 08:47

I'm buying my eldest a car this year. It'll be a non runner, he'll have to pay for parts for it & help my partner repair/fit. I'm hoping this'll mean he'll value the car & won't drive it like a dick, as well as learning about maintenance & repairs.

Bagelsandbrie · 20/03/2021 08:47

Also - he should be cleaning the house anyway! He’s nearly an adult. He uses the toilet - why say he doesn’t have to clean them?! We all take turns cleaning in our house. I understand offering him the cleaning as a job given you have a cleaner but it’s like you feel sorry for him asking him to do it...?