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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re 17 year old DSS

207 replies

Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 08:29

17 year old DSS lives with us full time he a good boy and he a fully integrated member of the family before anyone accuses me of being the wicked step mother

He turns 17 in May and Dh and I (family finances so joint decision) have said that we will buy him a car and pay for his insurance for his birthday and Christmas presents this year we will obviously get him a few extra bit but the budget is blown by the car.

Our budget is circa £5k for both and we have been looking at what option we can get for a car. DSS wants a VW up which all seem to be more expensive than our budget and he is now just moaning about the fact that he doesn't like any of the other cars this has really annoyed me

He gets £135 a month allowance and on top of that we pay for his phone £56 month and in non covid times gym membership and give him money for lunch at college. Again in non covid time we pay for him to do his hobby which is an additional £129 a month.
Our cleaner has recently left and I said to DSS did he want to do it and I would pay him the same £14 an hour as he will need to run his car etc. ( I'm not talking about the toilets) but the other jobs and he said no

We also have 2 dogs and i've offered to pay him to walk the dogs a couple of times a week so its one less thing for me and Dh to do. Doesn't want to do it

I feel like he is a spoilt brat . Dh is bloody fuming and told him that he needs to stop buying crap with his saved pocket money and he is going to have pay for his driving lessons and provisional licence.

I'm now feeling a bit mean but he is just so spoilt and has literally no idea about the value of money (which is our fault) and was saying yesterday he will take his car to be cleaned once a week instead of doing it himself

How would you deal with this and getting to stop being so bloody lazy!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 09:23

I've just shown dh the responses on here and he agrees we need to make some changes

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/03/2021 09:23

I voted YABU because you can’t complain that he doesn’t know the value of money, and then throw money at him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I actually laughed at your OP... you’re budgeting £5K on a car, and yet you put that you “obviously” would get him some other bits.

No, not obviously.

No child I know would expect anything extra as well as a car.

SummerWhisper · 20/03/2021 09:24

You have started to have some good ideas about how to rescue all of you from this situation. It's a shame that he is where he is right now but hopefully he will move away from knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing to appreciating what you have both done for him.

AdventureIsWaiting · 20/03/2021 09:24

Hi OP, appreciate the jobs market is difficult at the moment, but since you have household chores available why don't you just tell him that he does these in exchange for his allowance? My parents made it clear to me at 15 that I either got a job (and kept my allowance - £50 a month, £175 is mad - I earn £50k+ and I don't spend that on myself as 'free money' each month!), or didn't get a job and lost my allowance. Just tell him he's doing the cleaning and dog walking (i.e. contributing to the house) or he doesn't get his allowance. Is he in the habit of putting a small amount into regular savings? At his age my parents had got us into the habit each year of having the ISA conversation about where we would put our savings, and reading the money bit of the paper together to work out where it should go.

The other facet is that when he leaves home, unless you've taught him what needs doing, you're going to be passing a lazy problem onto his housemates / girlfriend. Nothing worse than housemates who don't understand the value of money and don't pull their weight!

I agree with those who say the phone contract is expensive - mine is £6 pcm for 2GB data and unlimited calls and texts. My handset cost £150 five years ago.

My parents paid for food, essential clothing (i.e. nothing fancy), the phone handset (but my PAYG credit came out of my allowance) and my bus pass for sixth form. Petrol, hobbies etc had to come out of my allowance - his allowance should cover his gym membership and his phone contract and leave enough left over that he has to start learning how to budget.

You need to teach him how to budget before he gets to 18 - I think they still bombard students with credit card offers; he could get himself into a right mess that (since you sound like loving, good parents) you may end up sorting out. Less expensive to do it now!

Original poster
Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 09:25

I don't think he'll able to run his car on his allowance I don't think? Maybe he will.... Hmm back to the drawing board

£10 a week for petrol and he needs a job to pay for the rest? that seem harsh..

Well give him money for lunch at college

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 20/03/2021 09:30

He has approx £260 a month spending money - that’s less than dh and I have...! Shock (we have £200 each, which is more than many as it is)! I think he can absolutely fund his car out of that...

Cocomarine · 20/03/2021 09:30

If you don’t think he can run a car, perhaps you should have thought twice about spoiling him with a car on his 17th birthday? That’s your bad attitude to money, not his.

Though he has one too.

Dreamer111 · 20/03/2021 09:33

At 17 I got no allowance from my parents. I had a paper round from 13 and worked in a shop from 15. They did buy me my first car which was under £500 (was a few years ago) but I paid for all my lessons and tests. I also paid for the insurance, petrol and repairs. It didn't occur to me for a second that they should be contributing, because it was mine. I couldn't wait to start earning my own money to buy the things I wanted, he has no incentive to do so.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 09:34

Dh takes the cars on a Sunday night and fills them up and would have probably just done that for DSS without really thinking about it BUT it's been a bit of an eye opener and he is acting really spoilt which has made us reasses things

OP posts:
Buttonfm · 20/03/2021 09:34

Personally I would leave everything as it is but tell him he had to save up for his own car. He has plenty of time as he hasn't passed his test yet. He can use his allowance and get a job if he needs more. Also, warn him now that when he leaves school the allowance will stop. This allows him to plan and budget, but he doesn't feel punished or less valued.

bonfireheart · 20/03/2021 09:36

Forget being a teenager but at the age of 40 & on a salary of £40k my car is £5k, my mobile is £20pm so he's doing pretty well for someone with no job!

TeenMinusTests · 20/03/2021 09:40

What is his £135 per month allowance for?

It seems a lot for 'discretionary spending'.

User5747384 · 20/03/2021 09:40

He sounds really spoilt I think it's the classic case of being given everything on a plate your whole life and becoming spoilt rotten so in the end you think you are entitled to certain things and appreciate nothing.

Newkitchen123 · 20/03/2021 09:40

Tell him your budget.
He finds the car and prices the insurance
If it's more than your budget he pays the difference
The budget is not negotiable
He either sticks to the budget or gets a job or cuts back somewhere else
He needs to learn

FlyingBurrito · 20/03/2021 09:40

I can only agree with everyone else, not on purpose I'm sure but you have raised a totally spoilt brat

How is he going to get a job and support himself when he obviously has no work ethic or get up and go?

You can only hope it's not too late to change his attitude or he's going to end up the subject of a future thread on here about a lazy not pulling his weight partner.

FlyingBurrito · 20/03/2021 09:42

I've now seen your update about the petrol!

A 17 year who contributes not a penny towards a car may be too far gone to turn back to a decent young man sorry to say

Original poster
Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 09:42

Dh has suggested that we buy the car but he needs to pay for the insurance. I think that's quite a good incentive to work/save as he can't get the car without the insurance..

We'll keep his allowance the same but he needs to do the hoovering and walk the dogs and he can pay for his gym membership out of his allowance.

Dh is also going to say we will only pay 1/2 of his karting

His phone contract will be up for renewal at the end of the year. We will put him in a sim only and if he wants a new phone he can pay for the difference.
.thanks for your input everyone

OP posts:
joysmoy66 · 20/03/2021 09:42

Wow that's a lot of money! My 16 yr old gets £40 a month plus we pay mobile (£25) but she has to do some household chores(dishwasher/bathroom etc) he sounds very spoilt.

Londonnight · 20/03/2021 09:43

I certainly wouldn't buy a car before he passes his driving test.
My son at 17 funded himself with driving lessons [ I paid the first 10 lessons as a birthday present ], he paid for his theory and driving test.
He bought his own car for £1000. Insurance was £1500. He had some money saved from when he was a baby, the rest he got from his part time job. He pays for the upkeep of the car and petrol himself.
He used to get £40 a month allowance at 16. Phone was a Giff Gaff sim only for about £6 a month.

He has been working part time since he was 16. As I am a single parent on low income he knew there was nothing left for extras, so he knew if he wanted anything he had to earn the money himself for it.

You are giving your SS no incentive to help himself with you giving him so much. He needs to start realising that life isn't handed to him on a plate.

pilates · 20/03/2021 09:44

I’ve said to both my two that we will contribute towards a car but they have to pay for the insurance and running. My DD saved and got a car at 19. DS is frantically applying for jobs so he can get one at 17. He does sound spoilt with no understanding of the value of money and how rewarding saving for something is.

TeenMinusTests · 20/03/2021 09:47

I think it is maybe a bit harsh to cut things you have been paying for (like karting) whilst he's at college.

I'd finance the learning to drive, but say that once he's passed he'll need to pay the petrol & insurance. If you currently pay significant travel to college costs then you could exchange that for paying insurance whilst still at college.

Alternatively, put the car in your name not his, so he only gets to drive it 'with permission'.

Watsername · 20/03/2021 09:49

Wow! My nearly 17 yo gets £6 a week pocket money. We pay for his phone (£8 a month) and give him a packed lunch. We pay for his clothes and necessities, but he saves up for treats he wants like computer games.

Loopyloututu2 · 20/03/2021 09:50

Does your dh indulge him to make up for the fact he’s not with his Dm? Dangerous!

He sounds very entitled. My ds17 has been told he needs to either find a Saturday job to pay towards a car or he can go and work with his dad on Saturdays/holidays. We pay for his phone (about £40 a month) and his driving lessons but he is a very well-behaved boy and grateful for everything we give him - he knows he’s only going to be getting a bit of a banger for his first car and he’s very happy with that.

Laila747 · 20/03/2021 09:51

Wow.

I think I’d say...this is what you’re getting, if you don’t like it, pay for it yourself.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 20/03/2021 09:51

If you get him a car your setting yourself up for more problems. And why would he get a job if you’ll halve his allowance.

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