Re 17 year old DSS

[Blankscreen]

17 year old DSS lives with us full time he a good boy and he a fully integrated member of the family before anyone accuses me of being the wicked step mother

He turns 17 in May and Dh and I (family finances so joint decision) have said that we will buy him a car and pay for his insurance for his birthday and Christmas presents this year we will obviously get him a few extra bit but the budget is blown by the car.

Our budget is circa £5k for both and we have been looking at what option we can get for a car. DSS wants a VW up which all seem to be more expensive than our budget and he is now just moaning about the fact that he doesn't like any of the other cars this has really annoyed me

He gets £135 a month allowance and on top of that we pay for his phone £56 month and in non covid times gym membership and give him money for lunch at college. Again in non covid time we pay for him to do his hobby which is an additional £129 a month.
Our cleaner has recently left and I said to DSS did he want to do it and I would pay him the same £14 an hour as he will need to run his car etc. ( I'm not talking about the toilets) but the other jobs and he said no

We also have 2 dogs and i've offered to pay him to walk the dogs a couple of times a week so its one less thing for me and Dh to do. Doesn't want to do it

I feel like he is a spoilt brat . Dh is bloody fuming and told him that he needs to stop buying crap with his saved pocket money and he is going to have pay for his driving lessons and provisional licence.

I'm now feeling a bit mean but he is just so spoilt and has literally no idea about the value of money (which is our fault) and was saying yesterday he will take his car to be cleaned once a week instead of doing it himself

How would you deal with this and getting to stop being so bloody lazy!!

You’ll buy the car and pay the insurance, who is going to pay to run the car? Presumably the petrol will come out of allowance?

He is a spoilt brat but as you say that is your (DH too) doing so now you have to fix it.

Sit him down, literally give him a piece of paper and tell him to get the calculator up on that brand new iPhone he no doubt is what the extortionate phone bill is paying for and work out with him:
a) how many hours every weekend on minimum wage he’d have to work to earn c£400 he currently gets
b) how long it would take him to earn and therefore save up £5000 for the car you are generously offering him.

Then I’d be telling him that when his current phone contract is up he will have to start paying for it himself.

He can also choose whether he would like you to still pay for the gym or his hobby but from 17 you will not still pay for both and he will need to cover the other one.

And from 18 he will no longer get an allowance and he will need to pay for his gym and hobby.

He has sufficient notice that from May this year he needs to start paying for his added extras and he has over a year to fully pay for these.

He’s almost an adult and needs to recognise that things like expensive phones, gym membership and hobbies are nice to haves if you can afford it. So he needs to earn some money and prioritise.

Also I wouldn’t pay him to do chores (especially cleaning), for one he’ll half arse it And you’ll end up paying him for crap out ones and he should be walking the dog regardless.

I can understand how this has all crept in but you've basically taught him that he gets all these financial privilages with no expectations from yourself of how he should be contributing to the family. Now you've realised your error and want to change the norm which of course he will resist. Offering to pay him to help out around the house is a mistake I think. These things should be expected - he's a member of the family therefore should help out. You'll get loads of posters on here calling him a spoilt brat but you and your dh have created this situation. You can pull it back though. An important lesson is how to manage money which will be lost if you keep handing it to him. Could you sit down and have a calm conversation about what you expect from him. Admit your misjudgement and discuss how it's going to change and get his input. It doesn't have be he's a spoilt brat and we are teaching you a lesson narrative. Good luck.

I think part of the problem here is that because he's your step son you don't want to be seen as the "wicked step mother" so he has been indulged over the years.

I agree with others, you're giving him far too much money a month. He has got no incentive to earn his own money, and in the long term you're not doing him any favours.

I'm a fairly low earner. My children both got jobs to pay for their driving lessons , most of their first car and their insurance.
I wish I could help them more, but I would never give them so much without them earning it.

Why on earth are you guys (and seems to just be you?) just now asking him to do jobs? At a bare minimum he can be walking the dogs twice a day and ensuring they are fed.

You guys are not helping this child.

I generally also don’t believe children should be paid for housework. Maybe extras like cleaning the car. But not dog walking or cleaning. No one pays me to clean the home we all share. And how do they learn to keep their surroundings to an acceptable standard if they haven’t been taught it’s a simple part of everyday life.

I think he needs to start understanding what it takes to run a home - otherwise he’s going to end up one of these entitled men children we read about on the relationship board where they expect everything done for them and don’t lift a finger to help.

Mine got £50 a month plus a £10 giffgaff sim st that age (they get £120 now because they are at university and have to buy food!) no lunch money either, I provided sandwich making ingredients! You are spoiling him. No job no car I would say.

I totally disagree with kids being paid to do household chores. They live in a house, they look after and respect it, shouldn't be getting paid to do it.

Wow. He's one lucky kid but seems very entitled because, as you say, he doesn't know or appreciate the value of what he takes for granted.

I'm not sure how I would deal with it but I'd let him have a £5000 budget for his car and let him do the work of selecting the model he would like, or saving up for a more expensive model. He'll have to consider running costs and insurance, too. It's a financial task of working to a budget that could help him manage a pot of money.

Getting grumpy with him won't be effective but helping him figure out his finances will be an education by the sounds of things.

I'm one one those people here who is not so strict about older teens having to pay for everything themselves. In my point on view you paying for his lunch, hobbies and phone is irrelevant (well £56 Is ridiculous amount). I feel that goes under the category of having a child (assuming the parents can afford it). However, doing this for him doesn't automatically make him spoilt. It makes it seem that nothing about value of money has been taught to him? If he hasn't learned eventhough he has been taught then more drastic measures of him paying stuff should be implemented.

Paying to do basic chores is ridiculous unless you really make him work to similar way as a cleaner would, but if it is standard home cleaning he should be doing it because he is a human living in the house.

I don't think it matters that he dislikes all the 'cheaper' cars. Give him a budget for car and the insurance and have him look for one he likes and then he can figure out how to top it off. If he can't, then no car.

Ours had to buy their own car if they wanted one.
We paid for their learner insurance, fuel and driving lessons. Then once they had passed their test we gave them the money we would spend on bus fare to college for their insurance.
After that all costs were their own responsibility

My kids contracts are more £70 each so I think £56 is normal. But he gets ALOT. Mine get nothing else, though if they ask me for £10 or £20 I give it them. And obviously pay for school lunches. Very lucky boy you have, very spoilt. But he only knows what you have given him.

Totally agree with @MimiSunshine about sitting him down for a conversation. He needs to be part of the change plan. Don't budge on what you have promised him, but anything else from now on is up to him to pay for, so he could save or work to get the car he wants. Be encouraging rather than punitive, so there is no room for his arsey responses.

Entitled kids like this are probably those bratty little boy racers who would swerve you off the road so you get out of their way.

He does seem to have a rather generous allowance! I'm sure lots of adults don't have anywhere near that amount to spend on themselves each month.

He should realise that he is incredibly lucky that you have offered to buy him a car. It's fine that he liked a particular one, but he needs to understand that if the budget doesn't stretch to it then you either make a different choice or find a way to top up the budget.

So I would suggest telling him that he has £X budget for car, tax and insurance, he can try and find something within that and if he doesn't like anything in that criteria then he can save up to top it up. Ignore any whining!

@KingdomScrolls

He can deliver for just eat etc once he has a car , friend of mine is doing it to top up wage losses this year, she earns £50+ doing 3 hours in the evening

You need business use insurance to do this and that could be ££££.

I can't believe the amount you give him to be honest! £400ish a month at 17! I'm 24 so it wasn't that long ago I was his age. My parents are very well off, gave me driving lessons for my 17th birthday and a VW car for my 18th birthday with insurance. I was extremely grateful.

However since 13 I worked a paper round and turning 16 I got myself a job in a pub. I worked anything from 8-20 hours a week while at college doing A Levels, I earned a measly £3.68 an hour! Most months I brought home less than your son gets in allowance, and out of that paid my phone bill and petrol for my car. I was given £20 a week for college for lunch and stationary. £10 a week pocket money but only if I walked the dog and emptied the dishwasher daily, did my own washing and helped with other bits and did some cooking for the family.

Absolutely ridiculous the amount he's handed as well as a £50 a month phone, it really isn't surprising he's acting entitled, he's used to getting what he wants!

135 a month allowance? Why would he want to work?

My 16 almost 17 year old gets 50 in his account for his college lunches each month (doesn't need to eat there every day) and the odd 20 here and there. He earns 25 a month doing the ONS covid study.

My 13 year old also earns 25 a month from the covid study and will sometimes ask if he can do jobs to earn a fiver here and there.

We are by no means poor and could afford to give generous allowances, but it's so important for kids to understand the value of working in exchange for money.

The Skoda citigo is the same car.

For my boys 17th they got the lessons and test paid for.

We bought an extra car for them to share once the eldest passed. Only a year between mine and younger only had a couple of months of lessons so it worked well.

However neither of mine demanded anything and having the car meant they could get themselves to and from school.

Hang on unless I’m missing something should’nt he be learning to drive first?
It took me a year. I got an (old banger of a) car for my 18th
Yes he sounds spoilt. I’d be getting him some driving lessons for his birthday and consider getting him a car when/if he actually needed one.

Also pretty amazed you’re paying £56 a month for his phone.

What OP and OH and assume mum does for the children is far from unusual in some families. The problems is these kids hang around the sane type of kids and so it becomes the norm and expectation.

Most of it comes down to a sense that if you have the money why not spend it to treat your kids. Treating your kids is making them happy and that makes you feel good. The problem is just like that nice desert, it's an instant reward and in the long term, it messes up you up.

Going back and starting to say no is very hard because they don't know any different and hard for the kid not to see it as a personal attack because they are not so loveable any longer.

It will take quite some time for them to be able to take a step back and appreciate that it was for their own good.

Ok so this has been a good reality check.

Honestly he is outrageous - usually gets up at the weekend at 2pm!!

We have suggested that he volunteers at the local food bank if he can't get a job and surprise surprise he's done nothing about it.

In response to some of the questions, yes it's an iphone contract and his hobby is karting

It's hard as he always acts hard done by and wants to spend £450 on a new karting helmet dh has told him in no uncertain terms that if he does that £450 is coming off the car budget.

I'm going to take little steps and say that he now has to do the hoovering on a Saturday and walk the dogs once a week.

I am also going to say that we are not giving him petrol money and he needs to get a job to run the car and when he has said job his allowance will be halved.

Has he ever earned his own money?

A decent work ethic doesn’t magically arrive in adulthood, it’s the product of learning the value of money and what it takes to make some.

Have you looked at how much his insurance will actually be? And how much it will go up when he inevitably rolls the car in the first couple of weeks? Madness to give a 17 year old a car!

Why would he get a job if you are going to halve his allowance? Surely that's an incentive not to get a job?