Re 17 year old DSS

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17 year old DSS lives with us full time he a good boy and he a fully integrated member of the family before anyone accuses me of being the wicked step mother

He turns 17 in May and Dh and I (family finances so joint decision) have said that we will buy him a car and pay for his insurance for his birthday and Christmas presents this year we will obviously get him a few extra bit but the budget is blown by the car.

Our budget is circa £5k for both and we have been looking at what option we can get for a car. DSS wants a VW up which all seem to be more expensive than our budget and he is now just moaning about the fact that he doesn't like any of the other cars this has really annoyed me

He gets £135 a month allowance and on top of that we pay for his phone £56 month and in non covid times gym membership and give him money for lunch at college. Again in non covid time we pay for him to do his hobby which is an additional £129 a month.
Our cleaner has recently left and I said to DSS did he want to do it and I would pay him the same £14 an hour as he will need to run his car etc. ( I'm not talking about the toilets) but the other jobs and he said no

We also have 2 dogs and i've offered to pay him to walk the dogs a couple of times a week so its one less thing for me and Dh to do. Doesn't want to do it

I feel like he is a spoilt brat . Dh is bloody fuming and told him that he needs to stop buying crap with his saved pocket money and he is going to have pay for his driving lessons and provisional licence.

I'm now feeling a bit mean but he is just so spoilt and has literally no idea about the value of money (which is our fault) and was saying yesterday he will take his car to be cleaned once a week instead of doing it himself

How would you deal with this and getting to stop being so bloody lazy!!

You are not the biological mother and if your husband wants to buy him a car, you have no say
The biological mother has no say in spending thousands of pounds of OPs joint family money, no mater how golden her uterus is.
What’s your point?

[quote batmannnn]@AvaCallanach
I have to go back to school, I had a motorbike accident and two operations on my leg.
if it's frustrating you can avoid having children every two years.
if you had no economic possibilities and suffered, that's a reason to help your children get better.
that really means empathy.
loving a child[/quote]
Ah batmannnn

You sound so very young and very entitled.
Of course you can't possibly go to school in a second hand toyota.

I did have economic possibilities: I had a brain in my head and a career. I now live mortgage free in a six bedroom house in a lovely area. I still drive a second hand car because, well, it works fine.
My kids will work for what they get. I will help but I will not hand out. It is incredibly bad to a person's sense of agency and self efficacy for kids to think they are owed anything in this life.

My kids contracts are more £70 each

More fool you 😂

Haven't read all the responses. But the 17 year old sounds incredibly spoiled.

Since he isn't happy with a 5k car tell him you will match his savings pound for pound to get the car he wants. Oh no savings? Well he is going to need a job before he can get a car then!

He needs a job before he can run a car anyway - registration, insurance, fuel, and lessons are not free.

You should use the opportunity to remove his allowance as well. If he is too lazy to work he shouldn't have any spending money.

@batmannnn WTF are you talking about? And how old are you?

Also, him that on his 18th ALL money will stop as he will be an adult!

Blimey at 16 my two were working in a local cafe earning £4.20 an hour (not that long ago!). He sounds like he’s been given far too much.

@batmannnn
Drinking in the morning is a worrying sign

@batmannnn

Oh poor you - I mean that genuinely.

Working isn't punishment! It's freedom.
Sitting resenting what your 1 year old sister is getting is going to eat you up. Make your own way. Yes, work in a pub. Or a shop. Or a care home. Or cleaning.

I did pub work, waitressing, cleaning, painted a factory. There is no shame in working for your money.

Something somewhere has twisted you up, and I am so sorry about that. My advice: Show them you can make it on your own. Don't be resentful of a baby. It's not her fault either.

[quote batmannnn]@AvaCallanach

This seems an unreasonable punishment.
You need to sweat, you need to go wash dishes.
I didn't have to have you.
My dad's a big lawyer, CEO of a major corporation, I have to go work in pubs?[/quote]
No of course not. Why don't you apply for CEO jobs instead?

Oh that's right - no qualifications or experience.

So yes you go to work in pubs and get some self respect rather than sitting on your arse and expecting your parents to support you for the rest of your life. You aren't a child.

When you come from a background whereby your carer/parents etc don't have the money you have to throw at their kids for them to just waste it on useless crap, the kids soon learn they either go without or get a job somehow to pay for their own stuff. Speaking from experience.

My DS is also 17. He get £20 a month from us, £10 phone contract, clothes, school dinners and we pay fir his hobby but that's usually £3 a week and only for about a third of the year.

He gets another £30 or do a month from his DGM.

We've always been clear that if he wants more he needs a job.

I think that your DSS has been incredibly fortunate to receive so much and the gift of the car is very generous. His friends may be receiving cars but most people don't get gifted their first car.

I think you may need a discussion about how he is thinking if paying for things like petrol, tax and garage bills and I'd also be cutting back on that allowance once he's 18.

[quote batmannnn]@AvaCallanach

you have missed the point.
As far as I'm concerned, EVERY WORK, EVEN THE MOST HUMBLE, IS DIGNIFIED.
it's silly and immature to say otherwise.
in any case it is natural that every family has its own standard of living.
if you are lucky enough to be born the son of a restaurateur, you don't clean other people's premises.
you don't work in pubs.
My father dresses his wife in gold, she has plenty of money...
I don't have a personal account and every month I have to ask her for money, and justify extra expenses.
Is it normal that I have to submit to a woman who is not even my mother?[/quote]
So earn your own money then and stop expecting your parents to support your lifestyle

@batmannnn, are you, what, 12 or something? Why can't you get a job and earn your own money? Why do you have to "submit to a woman who isn't even your mother" in order to get money out of her?? That doesn't make sense.

You are not the biological mother and if your husband wants to buy him a car, you have no say
There is no spending limit or minimum wage, it depends on your income and the family's standard of living
My father's wife is always complaining that I don't help around the house, and that I don't work, and in the meantime she might be pregnant again
She's not even two years old, she spends a fortune on her daughter
I want the Renault Clio Williams, but instead they want to buy a second-hand toyota and force me to install a car seat for the daughter
My stepmother doesn't drive and I'm supposed to take her shopping with the daughter

Hahahahaha!

No batmannnn, it's you who have missed the point.

You seem to feel you have an automatic entitlement to material things because your dad has a good job that pays well. Yet you don't seem to have realized that you are already being offered more than most kids get. But because it isn't brand new and exactly what you wanted you are angry and resentful. It's not a good look and does you no credit.

I will say this one more time. If you don't like having to crawl to your stepmother for money, then get a little job and make your own.

I have no fricking idea why you can't do a bit of barista work or waitressing or cleaning. I don't care if your father is Bill Gates. They don't ask in the interview if your dad is the CEO of a law firm and then withdraw the job offer because it's clearly beneath you.

[quote batmannnn]@AvaCallanach

This seems an unreasonable punishment.
You need to sweat, you need to go wash dishes.
I didn't have to have you.
My dad's a big lawyer, CEO of a major corporation, I have to go work in pubs?[/quote]
So my parents are very wealthy. My dad worked out with his accountant he’s actually a millionaire.

Aged 14 I earnt my pocket money by cleaning the house top to bottom whilst my parents were running their business.

Aged 16 I got a part time job in a shop to get some customer service experience.

I went to Uni and got a part time job whilst there.

I got my degree and got a bottom of the rung job for a few years.

I got married, had a baby and went to work for my parents firm, using my previous experiences alongside helping my husband to run his own business.

I’m now very comfortably off, my parents have given me a lot over the years, they helped me pay my mortgage off & bought us a car but I I helped them keep their business going whilst my mum had to reduce her hours because of my grandmothers care needs.

My parents have given me invaluable life skills.

Hahahahaa creasing myself at Batmannnn. Are you the OP's son's girlfriend?

My parents were wealthy. We lived in a large house with a cleaner and they had 5 other similar properties abroad. I appreciate I was very lucky. However, I had a babysitting job from 14 and worked in a shop on Saturdays from 16.

I'm now very comfortable myself, my husband and I both have good jobs with advanced professional degrees. We both earn well. Whilst my young DCs will be in the privileged position to go to private school and have nice holidays, they will absolutely be cleaning and cooking like mum and dad, and getting a part time job when they time is right. They will not be lavished with unlimited resources; it's bad parenting. How will they learn to manage themselves?

It's about teaching your children to grow up, be independent, and function without having to ask for handouts from mummy and daddy. It sounds like your step mother is far too generius, and you sound like a spoilt brat that thinks she's too good for hard work. It'll just lead to resentment.

What you don't grasp (likely because you are 15) is this: your dad and stepmother have money. YOU don't.

But seriously, can everyone who is telling Batmannnn to get a job lay off her?

If you are 13 there are a lot of restrictions about the number of hours you can work per week and the minimum wage is really low.

In my younger years i dated a few guys who had very sucessful parents but they themselves were hopeless losers unable to financially support themselves.

One guy I dated had a mother who did high profile pro bono humanitarian cases. The other was a high court judge. They had 2 sons; 26 and 29.
One son was "thinking about making movies". The one I was dating had 3 degrees from top German US and UK universities and now decided he wanted to save the birds and work in a wildlife sanctuary for 16k a year while getting "pocket money" from papa and grandma
Their parents were good successful people who were DUMBFOUNDED they had raised such useless adults but clearly they hadn't give them good life skills and had enabled their feeble behaviour.

Geniunely, one of my biggest fears is that I and my husband (two hard working intelligent "good citizens") somehow raise a nitwit manbaby like them/batmann.

@LAgeDeRaisin

But seriously, can everyone who is telling Batmannnn to get a job lay off her?

If you are 13 there are a lot of restrictions about the number of hours you can work per week and the minimum wage is really low.

😅😅😅