To say no to cousin staying with us again?

[violetbunny]

My cousin has just finished university and found a job in my city, in the suburb in which I live. She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work. I guess she didn't want to rent somewhere just yet as she didn't want to pay rent for the time she wasn't here.

So she lived with us for free for 5 weeks earlier this year, and has just now messaged asking if she can move back in again from tomorrow until she finds a flat.

Relevant points:
-Although she is my cousin there is a massive age gap, we are not close and have little in common

• It's just DP and I here, DP finds it awkward when she is here as she doesn't really engage with either of us... 5 weeks was already too much for him
• Last time, I explained I wouldn't expect her to contribute towards bills however it would be great if she could help with chores by cleaning the bathroom (the one she was using) once a week... she cleaned it once in total!
• I'm a real introvert and wouldn't ever invite anyone to stay this length of time... also have a massive week at work coming up next week so just want my own space to relax in.
• Rental properties are in high demand here so not sure how long it will take her to find one.
• However she and her family are not well off, I feel quite bad saying no as she's obviously asking in order to save money...! It also seems very last minute as she needs somewhere to stay tomorrow. I've also got no idea where else she would go.

Would I be a mean and heartless cow to say no under these circumstances? I feel like I've been quite generous already as 5 weeks was way beyond what I'd normally be comfortable with, I just feel horrible saying no....!

She's had 11 weeks to find somewhere to live!

I started a job once in a new city, and stayed with a cousin who lived there for my first few days, so that I had a base from which to find somewhere to live. Pre-internet days so access to local paper listings was key. It's more possible to house hunt from anywhere now with websites.

I think I stayed a matter of days. Literally long enough to arrange to look round places and arrange to move in.

I’m glad she found somewhere else, but you need to be honest if she asks again. If she asks then say: “hi sorry but we are not looking for a new housemate at the moment. I hope your job is going well!”

If she’s working then she should have enough money for rent and bills. Her parents should help her, not you.

@MeridianB

YADNBU! Glad you said no and glad she backed off quickly.

She broke the deal last time by not being a good house guest. Did she say thanks last time,? Buy you some flowers or a takeaway even?

She then assumed you will welcome her back for a longer/indeterminate stay with one day’s notice. I’m glad she didn’t start suggesting she sleep on sofa or similar. And I agree with PPs that two weeks was never realistic as you really couldn’t throw her out.

If it comes up again in the future I wouldn’t involve your mum in your thought process as she sounds like she was not helpful!

She did actually leave us a small hamper of nice foodie things when she left, which I was surprised by. However when I thanked her, she said, "Mum bought it"!

@Wibblewobble99

Hi op. I’m going to go against the grain here - you say in the post ‘ She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work’ so I don’t think it’s that unreasonable she’s text you the night before ‘just to confirm’ as she’s believed it’s a given as you already know her plans.

Don’t get me wrong, you have every right to change your mind as it’s your house. I do feel a little like you could be leaving her in the lurch. Maybe a compromise would be to say she can stay for a week or two until she finds somewhere to stay. I’d be worried there’s a risk if her losing her job if she can’t sort something quickly. I don’t condone how she behaved in your house, perhaps you can address this as part of an agreement to stay for a week or two until she gets herself sorted.

Nope, she was definitely not clear at all about wanting to stay here again. She also specifically asked in her original text back in January about staying for the 5 weeks only.

I would say yes but charge her rent and build her into a cleaning & cooking rota.

YANBU to say no for all the reasons you have given (your house, your rules) but I would also go against the grain here and say that family is family and would it have really hurt to have let her stay for a couple of weeks while she gets herself sorted?

My DH has family in Australia. We have accommodated backpacking distant relatives on loads of occasions even when frankly it's been a PITA.

But when my DCs are at the age of world travel, I will be (hopefully, barring pandemics) packing them off to Australia no questions asked on the basis that it's their turn now.

I would say play the long game with family because you never know when you will need the favour reciprocating.

@THisbackwithavengeance

YANBU to say no for all the reasons you have given (your house, your rules) but I would also go against the grain here and say that family is family and would it have really hurt to have let her stay for a couple of weeks while she gets herself sorted?

My DH has family in Australia. We have accommodated backpacking distant relatives on loads of occasions even when frankly it's been a PITA.

But when my DCs are at the age of world travel, I will be (hopefully, barring pandemics) packing them off to Australia no questions asked on the basis that it's their turn now.

I would say play the long game with family because you never know when you will need the favour reciprocating.

But haven't I already done her a huge favour? Where do I draw the line? For all I know, it could take a month or more to find a flat. It certainly took me a few weeks to find a rental when I first moved here, I stayed in a hostel in the meantime.

No. Far too short notice & incredibly presumptuous. Just say sorry the room is in use.

I was about to say that I'd say yes, but give her two weeks to find somewhere else. I agree with what Wibble says. I can remember being young and getting a job in London and being eternally grateful to an older relative who put me up for a month until my first pay came through and I was able to move on. I was existing on pennies and although I thought I was a grown-up I really didn't have any experience or skills. My relative gave me the invaluable gift of security. I hope I've repaid that over the years.

I think it's a poor show that she didn't put herself out to observe your rules re the bathroom and didn't try to interact more with you and your husband, so I'd offer her two weeks to get herself sorted out. If she complains say that there's an art to being a good guest and she needs to learn it. I'd also have a couple of B+Bs lined up to take her at the end of that two weeks if she doesn't manage to find an alternative.

When asked to do something reasonable but not very enticing I remind myself that getting set in my ways (we always do this, we never do that) isn't necessarily very good for me.

If her family aren't well off and can't support her for the first few months while she finds her feet then, as a woman who wants to see other women succeeding, and who has resources, I would want to try and do the right thing. If you've got a difficult week at work coming up say so: say you're not going to provide dinner/ food and won't have time to spend with her, you need the sitting room to yourself and she'll need to look after herself.

The fortnight may not be easy or pleasant, but it's just a fortnight and you will have the satisfaction of having been helpful and never having to do it again.

@ploomo

I was about to say that I'd say yes, but give her two weeks to find somewhere else. I agree with what Wibble says. I can remember being young and getting a job in London and being eternally grateful to an older relative who put me up for a month until my first pay came through and I was able to move on. I was existing on pennies and although I thought I was a grown-up I really didn't have any experience or skills. My relative gave me the invaluable gift of security. I hope I've repaid that over the years.

I think it's a poor show that she didn't put herself out to observe your rules re the bathroom and didn't try to interact more with you and your husband, so I'd offer her two weeks to get herself sorted out. If she complains say that there's an art to being a good guest and she needs to learn it. I'd also have a couple of B+Bs lined up to take her at the end of that two weeks if she doesn't manage to find an alternative.

When asked to do something reasonable but not very enticing I remind myself that getting set in my ways (we always do this, we never do that) isn't necessarily very good for me.

If her family aren't well off and can't support her for the first few months while she finds her feet then, as a woman who wants to see other women succeeding, and who has resources, I would want to try and do the right thing. If you've got a difficult week at work coming up say so: say you're not going to provide dinner/ food and won't have time to spend with her, you need the sitting room to yourself and she'll need to look after herself.

The fortnight may not be easy or pleasant, but it's just a fortnight and you will have the satisfaction of having been helpful and never having to do it again.

Are you serious? The cousin is taking the piss! The OP has already endured a long 5 weeks of her. Why the hell should she have to put herself out again, when we all know the cousin made zero effort to find anywhere for those 11 weeks, AND has no intention of leaving once she gets back to OP's house. Some people may have gullible or doormat written on their foreheads, but the OP and many others on here do not. The cousin is a user and she can get to fuck.

you will have the satisfaction of having been helpful and never having to do it again.

Yes, that's what the OP thought the first time around, when she had the cousin for 5 long weeks. 'Oh, it's only this one time'. Now it's a second. Then a third. 5 weeks is more than enough for a lifetime.

Yes, Cokie, I'm serious. Putting someone up for a fortnight when you're all out working all day, they have their own room and bathroom (from the sound of it) and you've agreed that they're responsible for their own meals isn't a big deal. Handled well, you could barely notice they're there.

Has no one ever gone above and beyond to help you out when you've needed it?

@ploomo

Yes, Cokie, I'm serious. Putting someone up for a fortnight when you're all out working all day, they have their own room and bathroom (from the sound of it) and you've agreed that they're responsible for their own meals isn't a big deal. Handled well, you could barely notice they're there.

Has no one ever gone above and beyond to help you out when you've needed it?

You should have a read of this thread, Ploomo. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3952984-To-ask-whether-you-ve-ever-regretted-a-kind-gesture It might have been started last year but it's still active.

@ploomo

Yes, Cokie, I'm serious. Putting someone up for a fortnight when you're all out working all day, they have their own room and bathroom (from the sound of it) and you've agreed that they're responsible for their own meals isn't a big deal. Handled well, you could barely notice they're there.

Has no one ever gone above and beyond to help you out when you've needed it?

@ploomo You clearly did read OP's posts. She ALREADY put her up for 5 (five) weeks. And she was home all the time during those 5 weeks, and never initiated conversation, almost never (once) cleaned up etc.

Go back and read the OP and her subsequent posts.

Again, I remind you the OP had already had the cousin stay for 5 (FIVE) WEEKS. And from what she said, that was hell.

*didn't

@Wibblewobble99

Hi op. I’m going to go against the grain here - you say in the post ‘ She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work’ so I don’t think it’s that unreasonable she’s text you the night before ‘just to confirm’ as she’s believed it’s a given as you already know her plans.

Don’t get me wrong, you have every right to change your mind as it’s your house. I do feel a little like you could be leaving her in the lurch. Maybe a compromise would be to say she can stay for a week or two until she finds somewhere to stay. I’d be worried there’s a risk if her losing her job if she can’t sort something quickly. I don’t condone how she behaved in your house, perhaps you can address this as part of an agreement to stay for a week or two until she gets herself sorted.

RTFT. Op has said NO and rightly so.