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Original poster

To say no to cousin staying with us again?

116 replies

violetbunny · 19/03/2021 21:32

My cousin has just finished university and found a job in my city, in the suburb in which I live. She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work. I guess she didn't want to rent somewhere just yet as she didn't want to pay rent for the time she wasn't here.

So she lived with us for free for 5 weeks earlier this year, and has just now messaged asking if she can move back in again from tomorrow until she finds a flat.

Relevant points:
-Although she is my cousin there is a massive age gap, we are not close and have little in common

  • It's just DP and I here, DP finds it awkward when she is here as she doesn't really engage with either of us... 5 weeks was already too much for him
  • Last time, I explained I wouldn't expect her to contribute towards bills however it would be great if she could help with chores by cleaning the bathroom (the one she was using) once a week... she cleaned it once in total!
  • I'm a real introvert and wouldn't ever invite anyone to stay this length of time... also have a massive week at work coming up next week so just want my own space to relax in.
  • Rental properties are in high demand here so not sure how long it will take her to find one.
  • However she and her family are not well off, I feel quite bad saying no as she's obviously asking in order to save money...! It also seems very last minute as she needs somewhere to stay tomorrow. I've also got no idea where else she would go.

Would I be a mean and heartless cow to say no under these circumstances? I feel like I've been quite generous already as 5 weeks was way beyond what I'd normally be comfortable with, I just feel horrible saying no....!

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 19/03/2021 22:52

Well done, she was taking the mick. She's had a free 5 weeks rent to save for a new place. And all that time to look for a new place. Messaging you last minute was a ploy to make you feel extra guilty.

Notaroadrunner · 19/03/2021 22:53

Sorry, I see you have already messaged her. No doubt she might text back asking for just a couple of nights. Be firm in telling her that it simply doesn't suit you and your Dh and leave it at that.

DancyNancy · 19/03/2021 23:02

It's not your responsibility to house her. You gave her 5 weeks rent free, and from what you say it was always the case she would be coming back to the city so her 6weeks + back home training was the time to live up accommodation.

She is being a cheeky pup to be honest and you are just like me ....taking it all on and feeling bad. But read above again. You already did her a favour.
If she or other family members get thick with you about it I said f them. Its completely unreasonable expectation on you.

'Hey, sorry couz. Whilst we were were happy to help you out short term in January, we cant accommodate you again now. Hope you get sorted soon'

Original poster
violetbunny · 19/03/2021 23:05

Spoke to my mum earlier to explain the situation. Mum has now just messaged me "Do you want me to ring

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 23:08

One day's notice?! She really thought letting you know was just a formality, didn't she?

starfishmummy · 19/03/2021 23:08

@TiredMummyZZZ

I think I’d have to say yes with her being a cousin, she’ll be in your life forever. Although I’d give her a time limit of a month, a cleaning rota and make her contribute to food/ bills now she has a job.
While I think she needs to be responsible for her buying her own food and personal costs ( eg: toiletries, laundry) I would be wary of asking for a contribition to bills because that's probably going to make her more "entitled" and harder to get rid of if she thinks she is paying rent.
DancyNancy · 19/03/2021 23:08

Oh I see you messaged her sorry!! Well done. Abd dont feel like you need to give excuses or offer alternatives. It's not your responsibility and she is being either

  1. Irresponsible leaving it til night before to start sorting where she will stay (in which case you saying no is an important life lesson for her not being rescued)
  2. Cheeky pup (in which case screw that!!)

Either way YOUVE VEEN MORE THAN GENEROUS WITH 5 WEEKS RENT FREE!!!!

if you do cave, set a time limit and charge market rent.

Cassilis · 19/03/2021 23:11

I would ensure housework is split equally with DH before you have kids (if you plan on them). His entitlement will get worse when you’re on maternity leave.

OP, I really think cousin meant to live with you. 10 mins from her job? You would have never got rid of her.

LunaLula83 · 19/03/2021 23:11

Tell her to fuck off

Cameleongirl · 19/03/2021 23:15

I think you’ve handled this really well and your last post is spot-on- you’re both adults so you can sort this out yourselves. That’s probably the root of it, your cousin (21?) doesn’t really see herself as an adult yet and assumes that any older family member is happy to house her and pay the bills for as long as she wants. Unfortunately, that’s not how the adult world works!

percheron67 · 19/03/2021 23:16

If she moves back in it could be months until she finds somewhere to live. If she is living rent free (and food, electricity?) free? with you she has no incentive to move out and pay her own way. Difficult for you but , like a previous poster said, say you are decorating or similar excuse.

Mamanyt · 19/03/2021 23:21

I'd simply respond with, "I'm sorry, but this simply is not convenient for us. We were happy to help you out last time, but you will need to make other arrangements." You do not owe her any explanation. In fact, I've found that it is sometimes (often) better not to, as an explanation on your part can lead to reasons on her part that your explanation isn't valid.

Aussieadopter · 19/03/2021 23:21

If it were me, I would have told her sure, could really use a bit of help with the mortgage, how's 100 a week for rent (or whatever the going rate is for a flatshare in the area), and also sent her a schedule for who does what chore when (eg she's on dinner Wednesday and Friday and washes up Monday and Thursday or something. She probably would change her mind but if not at least she knows what's expected,and won't be tempted to stay longer than she needs to

billy1966 · 19/03/2021 23:25

OP, great you said No.

I would have absolutely zero tolerance for a sofa surfing guest who couldn't do the minimum asked of them.

Don't be a mug.

Take a hard look at the lazy partner..life is just too short and you sound too nice and a bit of a potential mug.
Don't be.
Flowers

Cherrysoup · 19/03/2021 23:27

Don’t let your mum get involved. You’ve told her no, she should accept that.

Nith · 19/03/2021 23:31

I wish you hadn't put your no in terms of "It's not super-convenient". That is far too open to interpretation as meaning "It's a tiny bit inconvenient" which she could take as a green light. It's not impossible that she'll turn up smiling brightly and saying "It's OK, I can work around the disruption, don't worry about little me". Is it possible to message again saying you realise your previous message wasn't entirely clear, it's not just that it's inconvenient for her to stay, it is actively impossible, you do trust she's found an alternative by now?

Original poster
violetbunny · 19/03/2021 23:32

@Cassilis

I would ensure housework is split equally with DH before you have kids (if you plan on them). His entitlement will get worse when you’re on maternity leave.

OP, I really think cousin meant to live with you. 10 mins from her job? You would have never got rid of her.

We won't be having kids, but I 100% agree with you if we were.

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 19/03/2021 23:35

Just on this & waiting to hear what response you'll get. I have a large extended family but I live in different country, v popular tourist destination, and family love to visit. Annually I'd get emails from whomever's 'turn' (plus family) it is to visit with travel itinerary...sometimes more than one group arrival at different vacation seasons. And I am near airport also. Always politely asking if it is no trouble...but travel booked & no accommodation factored in so expected from me. Only once has one ever suggested staying in hotel...but that didn't happen anyway due to pandemic, as in non essential travel banned. I love my family & always delighted to see them but I do get annoyed at expectation. In your case OP, I'd be v cross about no notice but I'd probably say Ok for a week, 2 at tops but she has to find & pay for her own space. At least your DM didn't ask you to let her stay & lay the guilt trip...mine would!

ktp100 · 19/03/2021 23:36

Don't bother feeling bad about turning her down, she's already been a CF by staying before and not pulling her weight, nevermind expecting to return again with so little notice!

Let her guilt the other relative into staying with them.

Workyticket · 19/03/2021 23:37

I think she'll respond with 'oh I don't mind living in a building site, haha'

I'd be honest if she does. Say you don't want things to get awkward but it really didn't work for you last time. She made extra work for you and you like your space. Nothing wrong with telling her both of those things

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 23:37

Have you actually told her no?

Original poster
violetbunny · 19/03/2021 23:50

@Aussieadopter

If it were me, I would have told her sure, could really use a bit of help with the mortgage, how's 100 a week for rent (or whatever the going rate is for a flatshare in the area), and also sent her a schedule for who does what chore when (eg she's on dinner Wednesday and Friday and washes up Monday and Thursday or something. She probably would change her mind but if not at least she knows what's expected,and won't be tempted to stay longer than she needs to

The thing is though, I don't expect she would even stick to a rota. I made the cleaning expectations super clear last time, showed her where the cleaning products were and quickly ran through what to do (as I was conscious she hasn't lived away from home much before so might have no idea). She still only cleaned the bathroom once, and even then managed to "forget" to clean the shower.

She didn't leave a lot of mess around the house (e.g. dishes) but wouldn't ever do things like empty the dishwasher or empty the bin in her room when it was overflowing. I can't personally imagine behaving like that myself when staying with someone for a few nights, let alone 5 weeks. I think she's just young and not used to living away from home so needs it all spelled out for her, I just don't have any patience for it!

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 19/03/2021 23:54

She is not your responsibilty OP Flowers
Also , No is a complete sentence !

Original poster
violetbunny · 19/03/2021 23:56

@SionnachGlic

Just on this & waiting to hear what response you'll get. I have a large extended family but I live in different country, v popular tourist destination, and family love to visit. Annually I'd get emails from whomever's 'turn' (plus family) it is to visit with travel itinerary...sometimes more than one group arrival at different vacation seasons. And I am near airport also. Always politely asking if it is no trouble...but travel booked & no accommodation factored in so expected from me. Only once has one ever suggested staying in hotel...but that didn't happen anyway due to pandemic, as in non essential travel banned. I love my family & always delighted to see them but I do get annoyed at expectation. In your case OP, I'd be v cross about no notice but I'd probably say Ok for a week, 2 at tops but she has to find & pay for her own space. At least your DM didn't ask you to let her stay & lay the guilt trip...mine would!

Oh gosh you poor thing, at least this is (hopefully) a one off, it must be super annoying if it's a regular thing for you. I can't believe people would book flights without having confirmed somewhere to stay Shock

Cousin hasn't messaged back yet, is normally very quick to reply so I've got no idea how she has reacted!

Mum did try and convince me to say she could stay for a week or so, but I'm sticking to my guns. Mainly because I'm shitting myself about this upcoming week at work and want space to relax or drown my sorrows if the shit hits the fan.

OP posts:
pallisers · 19/03/2021 23:57

This would be such a non-issue for me (and I am really hospitable). you have had her for 5 weeks already.

Just say "no sorry that doesn't work for us. good luck in the flat search" and leave it at that. don't give excuses or anything.

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