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Original poster

To say no to cousin staying with us again?

116 replies

violetbunny · 19/03/2021 21:32

My cousin has just finished university and found a job in my city, in the suburb in which I live. She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work. I guess she didn't want to rent somewhere just yet as she didn't want to pay rent for the time she wasn't here.

So she lived with us for free for 5 weeks earlier this year, and has just now messaged asking if she can move back in again from tomorrow until she finds a flat.

Relevant points:
-Although she is my cousin there is a massive age gap, we are not close and have little in common

  • It's just DP and I here, DP finds it awkward when she is here as she doesn't really engage with either of us... 5 weeks was already too much for him
  • Last time, I explained I wouldn't expect her to contribute towards bills however it would be great if she could help with chores by cleaning the bathroom (the one she was using) once a week... she cleaned it once in total!
  • I'm a real introvert and wouldn't ever invite anyone to stay this length of time... also have a massive week at work coming up next week so just want my own space to relax in.
  • Rental properties are in high demand here so not sure how long it will take her to find one.
  • However she and her family are not well off, I feel quite bad saying no as she's obviously asking in order to save money...! It also seems very last minute as she needs somewhere to stay tomorrow. I've also got no idea where else she would go.

Would I be a mean and heartless cow to say no under these circumstances? I feel like I've been quite generous already as 5 weeks was way beyond what I'd normally be comfortable with, I just feel horrible saying no....!

OP posts:
Cherryicecubes · 19/03/2021 23:58

You have been more than generous already. If a relativ3 had given me a home for that long I would have been cleaning the bathroom, cooking them a meal, cleaning communal areas too.

SeaShoreGalore · 20/03/2021 00:04

Not your problem to sort out,

Original poster
violetbunny · 20/03/2021 00:05

Update: I have a reply from cousin.

She basically said no problem and that she can find somewhere else to stay. So it sounds like we were just the most convenient option as I had suspected.

In other news, my cat just brought a giant bug inside through the catflap and let it loose in the living room, so now I have a different kind of unwanted guest to deal with Smile

Phew!

OP posts:
LabbyNoona · 20/03/2021 00:08

Glad you’ve said no! Stay strong if it doesn’t work for you.

maynardgkrebs · 20/03/2021 00:10

www.yha.org.uk/

Not unreasonable. As an introvert, 5 days once, not 5 weeks, would have been enough for me. I find house guests very overwhelming. Also, the letting you know at short notice she would be returning is a bit much. Hope the other relative steps up.

maynardgkrebs · 20/03/2021 00:11

Oh, good news!

IdblowJonSnow · 20/03/2021 01:17

God, no! Teach the CF how to behave with courtesy going forward!

Not a chance.

Original poster
violetbunny · 20/03/2021 01:24

My mum, who had suggested I offer her somewhere to stay for a week or so, has also just remembered that she herself is meant to be staying with us next weekend. Apparently I am no longer being unreasonable Grin

OP posts:
sneakysnoopysniper · 20/03/2021 02:01

From time to time I have to send someone an email where I say "no". If they come back to me I either repeat the previous message, or say something like "I believe I already made my position clear and am not prepared to undertake any further discussion." At that point I usually just block them.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/03/2021 02:26

@violetbunny

My mum, who had suggested I offer her somewhere to stay for a week or so, has also just remembered that she herself is meant to be staying with us next weekend. Apparently I am no longer being unreasonable Grin
😂 So that is what it takes for her to see sense? 😂

You’ve already dealt with it but fir what it is worth I think your DH’s suggestion of two weeks was nice. Personally, I would have been very upset at being given 24 hours notice and made up any excuse I could to say no. Time for some home improvements!

1forAll74 · 20/03/2021 02:50

I would be saying no to her, and you don't have to give any explanations to her really. Yourself and your Husband will be happier anyway.
If you simply don't like saying no to someone,especially a family member, just do it this once, and then you should be able to say no to any other things in life that may displease you.

blisstwins · 20/03/2021 03:01

@TiredMummyZZZ

I think I’d have to say yes with her being a cousin, she’ll be in your life forever. Although I’d give her a time limit of a month, a cleaning rota and make her contribute to food/ bills now she has a job.
It ducks and is inconvenient, but this is family and sometimes we put ourselves out. I would try to be honest with her and ask that she look for a place quickly.
Dillparsleyandmint · 20/03/2021 03:23

I wouldn't feel too guilty op. Five weeks is more than enough unless you left it with her that she would definitely return. Expecting you to be free with one day's notice is pretty cheeky tbh. And you don't have to invent an excuse if you are under pressure at work. Just say something like "the timing is not good for me atm for various reasons" and don't feel obliged to suggest other solutions as that is her responsibility.

Dillparsleyandmint · 20/03/2021 03:25

Oh sorry! Missed your update! Well done op. I tie myself in to knots saying "no" as well so understanding your stress over it. Glad all is ok now.

MrsRockAndRoll · 20/03/2021 04:43

You have nothing to seem guilty over, you were kind last time. I think she was VVVU to even ask given you are not close.

user1487194234 · 20/03/2021 07:06

I would let her stay as family means a lot to me
But if you don’t want her there then you should say so,but don’t lie

MeridianB · 20/03/2021 07:16

YADNBU! Glad you said no and glad she backed off quickly.

She broke the deal last time by not being a good house guest. Did she say thanks last time,? Buy you some flowers or a takeaway even?

She then assumed you will welcome her back for a longer/indeterminate stay with one day’s notice. I’m glad she didn’t start suggesting she sleep on sofa or similar. And I agree with PPs that two weeks was never realistic as you really couldn’t throw her out.

If it comes up again in the future I wouldn’t involve your mum in your thought process as she sounds like she was not helpful!

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 20/03/2021 07:19

Hope you have managed to get rid of the bug that the cat brought in and that you have a peaceful day with just your DP.

Roselilly36 · 20/03/2021 07:24

@MattDamon exactly what I was thinking, it’s family, but have a time limit, two weeks is acceptable for her to find a place, otherwise it will just roll on & on. Your cousin needs motivation by the sound of things.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2021 07:26

TOugh one.
I get your feelings.
I'm not normally any kind of soft, but I think I would say she can stay for a week to find somewhere to live, but then she has to move out because your renovations will affect the room she's using and you have to get on with it because of the builders' schedule.

Can you cope with her for one more week? If not, then say No, it's just not possible.

Nith · 20/03/2021 07:30

OP has already said no, people

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2021 07:31

Oops - forgot to expand the thread and missed all the updates!
Glad you got it sorted. Did you get the bug out too?

thenewduchessofhastings · 20/03/2021 07:31

She's had 11 weeks notice to find somewhere to live;tbh as it's just you and DP and she's looking for a room in a shared house do you actually think she was planning on finding somewhere to actually rent and she was hoping your home would become the house share she'd live in?

Mrgrinch · 20/03/2021 07:41

Glad it's been resolved OP.

She really is cheeky and sounds as though she needs a dose of reality so you've done her a favour of anything. How are some people these days so ignorant when it comes to general manners whilst staying in people's homes?

Wibblewobble99 · 20/03/2021 07:46

Hi op. I’m going to go against the grain here - you say in the post ‘ She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work’ so I don’t think it’s that unreasonable she’s text you the night before ‘just to confirm’ as she’s believed it’s a given as you already know her plans.

Don’t get me wrong, you have every right to change your mind as it’s your house. I do feel a little like you could be leaving her in the lurch. Maybe a compromise would be to say she can stay for a week or two until she finds somewhere to stay. I’d be worried there’s a risk if her losing her job if she can’t sort something quickly. I don’t condone how she behaved in your house, perhaps you can address this as part of an agreement to stay for a week or two until she gets herself sorted.

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