To say no to cousin staying with us again?

[violetbunny]

My cousin has just finished university and found a job in my city, in the suburb in which I live. She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work. I guess she didn't want to rent somewhere just yet as she didn't want to pay rent for the time she wasn't here.

So she lived with us for free for 5 weeks earlier this year, and has just now messaged asking if she can move back in again from tomorrow until she finds a flat.

Relevant points:
-Although she is my cousin there is a massive age gap, we are not close and have little in common

• It's just DP and I here, DP finds it awkward when she is here as she doesn't really engage with either of us... 5 weeks was already too much for him
• Last time, I explained I wouldn't expect her to contribute towards bills however it would be great if she could help with chores by cleaning the bathroom (the one she was using) once a week... she cleaned it once in total!
• I'm a real introvert and wouldn't ever invite anyone to stay this length of time... also have a massive week at work coming up next week so just want my own space to relax in.
• Rental properties are in high demand here so not sure how long it will take her to find one.
• However she and her family are not well off, I feel quite bad saying no as she's obviously asking in order to save money...! It also seems very last minute as she needs somewhere to stay tomorrow. I've also got no idea where else she would go.

Would I be a mean and heartless cow to say no under these circumstances? I feel like I've been quite generous already as 5 weeks was way beyond what I'd normally be comfortable with, I just feel horrible saying no....!

Just say "With all the building work we don't have a spare room at the moment, Good luck with the new job!"

@frazzledasarock

I would say no.

If she wanted to come back repeatedly (or even if she didn’t) when you’re a house guest you recognise someone is doing you a huge favour, you clean and tidy after yourself.

I’d say no. And I wouldn’t feel guilty.

What did she think she was going to do accepting a job in a city away from her hometown?

Does she plan on living at yours for free forever?

I don't think she plans to live here free forever, she will be looking for a room in a flatshare. It's definitely quite convenient for her here as it's maybe a 10 min walk / 2 min drive from our house to her work. We are also in a good location generally, not far from the city centre, transport links, nice shopping centres and other attractions. From what I've seen, rental costs around here aren't cheap so we're definitely an attractive option! I had to scrape together the funds to buy here, if I wanted a shared accommodation arrangement I'd get a lodger and pay off my giant mortgage a lot quicker!

@Shrivelled

If she’s job hunting I’d be tempted to say yes to the odd night if she wants to stay over before her interviews. If she already has a job, she won’t be around the house much either so you could offer a couple of weeks if she already has work. I’d find it too awkward explaining to other family members why I’d said no.

She does have a job but knows no one in this city, so spends all weekends and evenings at home (I.e. basically was always home when we were). This is the part me and my introverted personality struggle with the most! It's really not about the cost at all.

Right.... I have messaged her to say that it's not super convenient for us over the next few weeks due to needing to use the spare room and also other stuff going on around the house (we've just finished a whole heap of interior painting but she doesn't need to know it's been completed...!) We have another relative who lives a few suburbs away, have suggested she ask whether she might be able to stay there.

I feel terribly guilty, but am telling myself she has also had 5 weeks with us already for free so we have already saved her quite a lot of money!

She's family so I'd let her stay, but put a time limit on it. "We're happy to have you for the next two weeks, but we've got xxx going on after that".

Well done, OP - it’s always so easy to tell someone else to do it but so much harder to do it yourself. Fingers crossed she takes it well.

Really nice of you to let her stay for 5 weeks. That's plenty.

Just say no I am afraid we can't accommodate you this time. No reasons or excuses or she will find solutions. A simple No, sorry can't do it this time. Hope you find somewhere suitable? Have you tried (local agent) or (local paper).

Must catch up once you are settled in the new job/flatshare.

Though tbf I’d have said “it’s not possible” rather than “it’s not super convenient”, as the latter implies she could conceivably come, but it would be inconvenient if she did.

@MattDamon

She's family so I'd let her stay, but put a time limit on it. "We're happy to have you for the next two weeks, but we've got xxx going on after that".

DP suggested this, but if she hasn't found anywhere to stay by then, I suspect we'd be in exactly the same situation again, I.e. feeling too guilty to say no.

Selfishly, I also have the most stressful week of the year coming up for work next week, so a big part of me is feeling like it's just terrible timing. I will wait and see what she messages back....

I just couldn't even have put up with the five weeks. It's a massive ask. I agree with sorry it can't be done this time. If she wants details make something up about a sick friend coming.

No sorry, 5 weeks is already a hugely hospitable offering on your part! Also asking to come from tomorrow?!! Cheeky fu**ery of the highest order.

I think I live in an alternative universe sometimes- who accepts a job with nowhere to live? She needs to grow up and fast and take responsibility for herself and find somewhere to live . I’d just say no sorry, assumed you’d have found a home, she’ll have to work remotely or phone in sick and start prioritising rather than free loading

So glad you said no. She should have pulled her weight when she had the chance.

Now time to address your DH...why is he so lazy?

from tomorrow

Wtaf? That is NO notice

Agree with "Say you have a problem and can't have guests"
If she presses say you'd rather not discuss it but sorry you can't help again

@Viviennemary

I just couldn't even have put up with the five weeks. It's a massive ask. I agree with sorry it can't be done this time. If she wants details make something up about a sick friend coming.

I always think lying in these situations is a terrible idea, especially when there’s no need to. The fact it’s not possible is fine - no need to go into details.

@Cassilis

So glad you said no. She should have pulled her weight when she had the chance.

Now time to address your DH...why is he so lazy?

Yes, this is another problem I am working on! He has improved a lot, but still needs a lot of reminding although nowadays I get Alexa to remind him for me

You did the right thing!

Every young person has to learn these life lessons some time. I hope it doesn't cause any family drama for you.

'Oh goss, you said you would let us know when you are back! We have XYZ going on right. What a shame. Oh well, I'm sure you have friends, Air B&B, back up plans to cover that.

Let us know when you are settled, and if our DIY XYZ is finished, it would be lovely to have you around for a meal' 😊

@FamilyOfAliens You're so right, I'm just too much of a chicken to say "Sorry, no."

[quote violetbunny]@FamilyOfAliens You're so right, I'm just too much of a chicken to say "Sorry, no."[/quote]
I think we all are - I was too, until I worked in a job where I frequently had to share difficult news with people and it just became easier. I found pretending I was an actor in a film or TV show really helped!

So she had five weeks at yours, then another six while she was training. That's 11 weeks she could have been looking for somewhere. And saying something the night before she arrives? That's just trying to force you into saying yes.

I'm glad you've said no, now stick to it. if the other relative takes her in for a few weeks, when that's over she'll be back on at you to let her stay again.

What a cheeky so and so she is! Good on you for saying no, since it's late at night though I hope she doesn't just turn up tomorrow anyway.

Just say no. Tell her that while you were happy enough to help in January for the 5 weeks, you are not in a position to have her stay again. If you know of any Airbnb in the city you could send a link. That way she should get the message that no means no. You don't need to make up excuses or explain further.

Tbh no, I love my many cousins, but I wouldn't have let any of them stay longer than a week in the first place. Home is sanctuary. Home is for me and my partner (and my siblings, parents, his parents). Cousins? No. A small favour, but I'm not having them in my house for an extended period.