To say no to cousin staying with us again?

[violetbunny]

My cousin has just finished university and found a job in my city, in the suburb in which I live. She messaged me in January asking if she could live in our spare room for 5 weeks, as after that she had to go back to her home town for 6 weeks for training, before coming back again to resume work. I guess she didn't want to rent somewhere just yet as she didn't want to pay rent for the time she wasn't here.

So she lived with us for free for 5 weeks earlier this year, and has just now messaged asking if she can move back in again from tomorrow until she finds a flat.

Relevant points:
-Although she is my cousin there is a massive age gap, we are not close and have little in common

• It's just DP and I here, DP finds it awkward when she is here as she doesn't really engage with either of us... 5 weeks was already too much for him
• Last time, I explained I wouldn't expect her to contribute towards bills however it would be great if she could help with chores by cleaning the bathroom (the one she was using) once a week... she cleaned it once in total!
• I'm a real introvert and wouldn't ever invite anyone to stay this length of time... also have a massive week at work coming up next week so just want my own space to relax in.
• Rental properties are in high demand here so not sure how long it will take her to find one.
• However she and her family are not well off, I feel quite bad saying no as she's obviously asking in order to save money...! It also seems very last minute as she needs somewhere to stay tomorrow. I've also got no idea where else she would go.

Would I be a mean and heartless cow to say no under these circumstances? I feel like I've been quite generous already as 5 weeks was way beyond what I'd normally be comfortable with, I just feel horrible saying no....!

Does she have a job, or is she job hunting still?
If she has a job already did she just expect you would agree? If she doesn't why can't she flat search from where she is (and job search at same time)

I'm assuming she is young (and entitled). This is a 'token' text - because she's basically assumed you'll be ok with her arriving tomorrow to stay indefinitely.

I'd be tempted to send a cheery text back that read Afraid not, we're planning on some DiY and haven't room for visitors.

And see what response you get.

She's an adult now. It doesn't matter if she's just finished uni and assumed it was convenient to live with relatives for free without asking them.

It's not.

People like that often use people's guilt to get their own way. If I was in her position I would've made sure I had somewhere suitable to live ready for when I started my new job, or be prepared to commute, or pay for a B&B or Airbnb. What I would never do is assume I could impose myself on someone for an unspecified amount of time when I clearly took the piss a bit last time.

YANBU. It’s not don’t to you to think through what other options she have so don’t let it worry you again. Just say things are a bit hectic at home at the moment so it’s not a great time but hopefully you can catch up once she is settled in somewhere

I probably couldn’t get too bothered about the bathroom - if it was for her sole use, perhaps she did clean it up her standard (maybe no bleach and sponge, just wiping up any soap slodges) in between. As long as it was spotless when she left, I wouldn’t mind.

But... no to the return. Especially with no bloody notice! How rude! Easier to say no though - not your fault at all that you can’t.

Anyway - Covid?

I suppose you can still take lodgers, but if she’s not paying she’s just an overnight guest - not allowed.

Yes, she does have a job already. So part of me thinks, well it wasn't unexpected that she would need to find somewhere to stay...she's had a while to figure out some other options.

As it happens we are doing a fair bit of stuff to the house at the moment so there were tradespeople coming and going while she was here. So I could just say it's not convenient as there will be disruptive work going on for a few weeks...

In fact, if you want a lie - could you say a nosey neighbour asked too many questions about her last time?

Tell her your room is going on air B&B and when lockdown ends she is welcome to book it at the going rate... Times are tough for us all op..

Exactly what you said op. 'Sorry but we've got lots of diy going on and tradesman coming in and out so we don't have the room. Good luck with the new job'

Sorry the room is no longer available

Woah...she's given you less than 24 hours notice without any mention beforehand? What a CF.

Yep, the house is a bit upside down at the moment what with the work you're having done, so it's not convenient.

I'm in a country where COVID is currently under control so very fortunate that this isn't really a consideration.

Bathroom was the main one she was using, but is also the main one in the house (the only other one is the ensuite in the master bedroom). It's a bit off topic but DP also often does not pull his weight with cleaning, so I think I just got the rage last time that there were 3 functioning adults in the house yet I was doing 80% of the cleaning. She wasn't to know that, but it certainly added to my feelings about the situation.

Say no and don't feel guilty.
Leaving it this late and just a text?c.f.!!
Don't put yourself or your relationship under strain for this entitled person who could settle in for months.
Say no and don't discuss further

Sorry I've turned it into an office for the time being?

@saraclara

Woah...she's given you less than 24 hours notice without any mention beforehand? What a CF.

Yep, the house is a bit upside down at the moment what with the work you're having done, so it's not convenient.

She did mention that she was coming back to my city at some point, but gave no timeframe and I didn't ask.

When I say no timeframe, I mean no specific dates, it was all a bit vague...! Didn't ask too many questions in case she thought I was inviting her back

Just text back " We've been having a problem so I'm afraid we can't have you to stay. Good luck with the job"

If she asks what problem" you just say " Sorry, it's a private matter".

Surely you made it clear when she left last time that she couldn’t come back?
If you didn’t then yabu as she will have presumed that as you didn’t tell her no that she can come back.

YANBU and are well within your rights to say no.

“Sorry, that doesn’t work for us. Good luck with the new job”. Don’t give her a chance to question you or wear you down.

@MichelleScarn

Does she have a job, or is she job hunting still? If she has a job already did she just expect you would agree? If she doesn't why can't she flat search from where she is (and job search at same time)

That's also a good point, I do know people who commute here from the town she lives in. I'm guessing it would be about 2 hours each way though, I'm not sure how bad the traffic is. Whereas we live walking distance from her work...

I think I’d have to say yes with her being a cousin, she’ll be in your life forever. Although I’d give her a time limit of a month, a cleaning rota and make her contribute to food/ bills now she has a job.

Say no. Some good suggestions already and go short and clear, don’t get into detail or engage with any bleating or manipulation.

I would say no.

If she wanted to come back repeatedly (or even if she didn’t) when you’re a house guest you recognise someone is doing you a huge favour, you clean and tidy after yourself.

I’d say no. And I wouldn’t feel guilty.

What did she think she was going to do accepting a job in a city away from her hometown?

Does she plan on living at yours for free forever?

If she’s job hunting I’d be tempted to say yes to the odd night if she wants to stay over before her interviews. If she already has a job, she won’t be around the house much either so you could offer a couple of weeks if she already has work. I’d find it too awkward explaining to other family members why I’d said no.