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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quit my job but hope they convince me to stay?

126 replies

Ladderclimber · 18/03/2021 17:18

Is there an acceptable way to go about this?

I've been offered a job that is more money, working from home and a better job title.

I love my current company. They're amazing to work for and it's a safe job and the work is interesting. But I should be on a more senior job title for the work I'm doing and I really want to work fully from home. They've said that nobody will be working from home after Covid (blended model planned). I don't mind going into the office ad hoc but I don't want to do set days a week as my role can be done fully from home (as evidenced by the past year and new job!)

I know that they wouldn't want me to leave as it was hard to recruit me as I have very niche skills (I got recruited fast when I went sniffing around). I don't mind if they don't match the salary I've been offered, it's the title (that matches what I do better) and the home working.

They might just accept my resignation, which is fine, but is there a way to not seem like a knob while also saying 'I quit but I really want to stay if you'll give in to my demands?' To be fair, I've never asked them for what I want, but I don't think they'd want to set a post-covid precedent of fully home working just based on me asking, as they've been really clear that nobody will be.

I haven't accepted the job I've been offered but will have to soon. They haven't interviewed anyone else so nobody else in the wings waiting.

YABU: Quit if you want to quit but don't try to negotiate
YANBU: It's fine to use another job offer to negotiate

OP posts:
Mygardenisnotperfect · 20/03/2021 10:41

Sorry but I’m on the same side of the argunent! Men do this all the time and it wouldn’t occur to them not to, it’s a win-win situation for you either way, and it’s in the company’s favour as well that they have the chance to retain you by you letting them know what it is that you need and can realistically find elsewhere if they aren’t prepared to offer it to you. Maybe some people voted the other way because of how you phrased it? Like my instant reaction to the actual sentence you posted was that this was unreasonable - how annoying of someone to quit when they just want others to say “oh no, please don’t go, we neeeed you!” but after reading more I understand the situation. As you said, it was odd thinking that you have to quit before having this conversation with your boss! Maybe that’s what people thought was unreasonable.

Anotheronetwo · 20/03/2021 10:45

I think the poll may be influenced by people answering the question in your title. Quitting and 'hoping' they'll ask you to stay is unreasonable, negotiating for a better position is not.

ClarkeGriffin · 20/03/2021 10:45

@Theonlyoneiknow

Re: the working from home situation - this might be trickier - there might be other employees who don't want to go into the office on set days and would rather stay working from home so it would be difficult for them to have different policies for different people IMHO.
I think that's going to be your problem. They've been very clear that there will be no wfh. If they suddenly give in to you, what do they tell everyone else?

Try it though, you never know. But do it soon, don't leave the other company hanging too long.

Mygardenisnotperfect · 20/03/2021 10:48

I completely disagree with what a pp just said about this conversation marking you out as a difficult employee. Especially if you have valued niche skills. You need to be carful and tactful in how you phrase it but it’s absolutely a thing that people do. I’m a GP and we are in huge demand as there aren’t enough of us! I have had this exact conversation twice with previous employers, one decided to up their terms and conditions in order to keep me on, and one decided they just weren’t in a position to do so and said they’d be sorry to see me go but they understood. I didn’t get the sense that either of them were at all resentful or annoyed, in fact if anything I would say they respected me more for proactively negotiating for what I needed and wanted from them, whether they could or were willing to provide it or not. You don’t ask, you don’t get!

Obbydoo · 20/03/2021 10:51

Have you at any point considered the company that has made you the offer? If you decide to stay with your company, you have wasted huge amounts of their time and money. Your actions are incredibly selfish.

Winecheesesleep · 20/03/2021 11:03

@skirk64

Why you should just quit: even if your current company agrees to your demands, you are marking yourself out as a difficult employee. They will know that you are not necessarily as committed to the role as they thought - if you have been looking around at other jobs now, what's to stop you looking around in the future?

Also you need to consider other people. By being strong and leaving - even if they did offer what you wanted - you are sending a message that they need to be better at nurturing and keeping the talent they have, promoting them and paying them appropriately, and being flexible wherever possible such as with WFH.

By "negotiating" with them you might get what you want, but you are doing nothing to help other people in the company. Be strong, and leave.

Also, you might get a shock if they decide they don't want to negotiate with you. No truly efficient employee is indispensible.

I think this is a good summary of the other side of the argument, but I think on balance you should have an honest conversation with your manager along the lines of @TheCovidHalfStone's post.
Blimeyoreilleystrews · 20/03/2021 11:12

@Anotheronetwo

I think the poll may be influenced by people answering the question in your title. Quitting and 'hoping' they'll ask you to stay is unreasonable, negotiating for a better position is not.
This.
Etinox · 20/03/2021 11:13

@Obbydoo

Have you at any point considered the company that has made you the offer? If you decide to stay with your company, you have wasted huge amounts of their time and money. Your actions are incredibly selfish.
Nonsense. All employers have the upper hand and many abuse that. The number of friends who have had job offers withdrawn after leaving their current post/ the job isn’t what it was ‘sold’ as/ they're then made redundant just before 2 years, I really can’t lose sleep over the hypothetical new employer
KatherineJaneway · 20/03/2021 14:14

Which is a shame as my job can very easily be done fully remotely. There’s no need for presenteeism.

Could anyone value you being in the office? Trainees, junior staff who could learn soft skills from you?

KingdomScrolls · 20/03/2021 14:22

I got my last promotion like this, I'd been approached for quite an interesting role, bit of travel lots of WFH, more money but only a two year contract. I just asked to speak to my boss said I've been approached to work on x project (all public sector) I'd like to do it but I'd also like to stay, what can you do? She asked for 48 hours, they agreed to second me to the project and when I returned I would keep my pay increase and come back to a more senior role, on the proviso I used my specific experience on the project, to help develop some training for front line staff and would act in a consultancy type role in a new tool they were developing that linked with the project (no professional conflict of interest think about a secondment to an inspecting body and a quality role on return etc). It was great and more than I hoped for.
You've got nothing to lose by asking.

Obbydoo · 20/03/2021 15:52

What a sad post. You are living in a very bitter and twisted world if you assume every employer is bad and, even worse, think the answer is for people to deliberately screw companies over. I've worked in recruitment for 25 years and I have never known a company to withdraw a job offer.

HidingFromDD · 20/03/2021 16:07

I've been in this position a couple of times but as a manager. In one case we could accomodate and wanted to do so, in the other there was a specific item which we couldn't meet and we had an open conversation about what each role could offer. In both cases I was pleased that the employee discussed it with me directly before they actually resigned. I don't ever counter offer an actual resignation because (in my experience) once an employee has got that far they've mentally prepared themselves to leave and don't settle well afterwards. It's very common practice but be prepared to discuss which elements are non-negotiable for you and prepared to stick to them

Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 16:55

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

Having worked as an interim at a senior level for a number of years, no one is indispensable. Why not have an adult conversation and negotiation about what you want, how that fits with the business needs of your employer, rather than flouncing off in a fit of pique and the vain hope that they beg you to stay? Even if that happened, they'd be unlikely to see you in the same light going forward.
Oh my gosh this is so rude!

I was OBVIOUSLY suggesting an 'adult conversation' (all my conversations are adult conversations because I'm an adult), that would include the fact I'd been made another offer as information they should know! I wasn't suggesting flouncing off - if that's what you call resigning(!) and just quietly hoping they beg me to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 16:57

@feckinarse

I'm a big fan of the website askamanager.com and she always has a lot of good advice about this situation. On the site she calls it a 'counteroffer' - as in, I have this offer from another company, can you give me a counteroffer to keep me?" and there's a lot of thoughts about when and how to ask for the counteroffer, and when to just move on.

One thing that stuck out to me as I read your thread was 'I was looking around for a reason" - it may be that you do want to move, possibly quite a bit, but suddenly the unknown seems intimidating.

There's definitely some truth in that. But there also really are good reasons to stay (security, I genuinely like the company and believe in what they do, I like the people I work with etc).

I'll check out the website, thank you. I like the phrase 'counteroffer' and will look at what she says about it. Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 16:58

By "negotiating" with them you might get what you want, but you are doing nothing to help other people in the company. Be strong, and leave.

This might sound selfish but I really can't base my decision on what would help others in the company. I have to do what's best for my life and my career.

Also, you might get a shock if they decide they don't want to negotiate with you. No truly efficient employee is indispensible.

I wouldn't get a shock. I agree they may well not want to (for various reasons). And tbh if they didn't, it would make me feel that my decision to leave was the right one so it would be a huge boost to my reasons for looking around and make me feel that the new role was an even better decision than I realised!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 16:59

@Anotheronetwo

I think the poll may be influenced by people answering the question in your title. Quitting and 'hoping' they'll ask you to stay is unreasonable, negotiating for a better position is not.
Oh good point!

I did always mean that it would involve a conversation. I hadn't heard of 'counteroffer' but it does make sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 17:01

@Mygardenisnotperfect

I completely disagree with what a pp just said about this conversation marking you out as a difficult employee. Especially if you have valued niche skills. You need to be carful and tactful in how you phrase it but it’s absolutely a thing that people do. I’m a GP and we are in huge demand as there aren’t enough of us! I have had this exact conversation twice with previous employers, one decided to up their terms and conditions in order to keep me on, and one decided they just weren’t in a position to do so and said they’d be sorry to see me go but they understood. I didn’t get the sense that either of them were at all resentful or annoyed, in fact if anything I would say they respected me more for proactively negotiating for what I needed and wanted from them, whether they could or were willing to provide it or not. You don’t ask, you don’t get!
Thank you, that's really reassuring.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 17:03

@KatherineJaneway

Which is a shame as my job can very easily be done fully remotely. There’s no need for presenteeism.

Could anyone value you being in the office? Trainees, junior staff who could learn soft skills from you?

Possibly on an ad hoc basis, which I'm fully willing to do. What I'm not up for is 2 - 3 days of sitting at a desk in a building I don't need to be in with people I don't need to be with, having done a drive I didn't need to do, eating a lunch I didn't need to pack. That sort of thing. I always felt that way but the pandemic has accelerated it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 17:17

@Obbydoo

Have you at any point considered the company that has made you the offer? If you decide to stay with your company, you have wasted huge amounts of their time and money. Your actions are incredibly selfish.
No it's fine. They want me for my skills but don't have anyone else waiting in the wings so I'm sure they'll be disappointed if I don't join them but they'll get over it. I'm not indispensable to them either.
OP posts:
Stellaris22 · 20/03/2021 17:20

Negotiate. DH has done this twice where he's been offered a better paying jobs, both times gotten the pay rise he deserves. Nothing wrong with showing your employer how much you as an employee are actually worth.

Chocolateandamaretto · 20/03/2021 17:20

My DH did exactly this. Pre pandemic he wanted to move to part time remote working, so he applied for and got a fully remote job, told his boss then basically said “unless you can do better” so his boss offered him remote work and a pay rise. BUT you have to be willing to walk away if they don’t go for it. Good luck!

Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 17:21

@Obbydoo

What a sad post. You are living in a very bitter and twisted world if you assume every employer is bad and, even worse, think the answer is for people to deliberately screw companies over. I've worked in recruitment for 25 years and I have never known a company to withdraw a job offer.
Honestly I think it's scary that you work in recruitment and described me as 'selfish' for considering not taking a job offer. Is it just because you think a recruiter won't get their fee then?
OP posts:
Original poster
Ladderclimber · 20/03/2021 17:23

@Chocolateandamaretto

My DH did exactly this. Pre pandemic he wanted to move to part time remote working, so he applied for and got a fully remote job, told his boss then basically said “unless you can do better” so his boss offered him remote work and a pay rise. BUT you have to be willing to walk away if they don’t go for it. Good luck!
Thanks so much @Chocolateandamaretto and @Stellaris22 - heartening to hear of times that it's worked out for people!
OP posts:
GroundingProject · 20/03/2021 17:26

@Obbydoo as a recruiter you’re hardly a disinterested party. Sadly I’ve heard of a few people really shafted, particularly recently as funding is so precarious (in the charity sector) and the economic situation in general so uncertain.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 20/03/2021 17:29

OP make your company aware that you have an offer and ask if they can match. If they are up for a discussion then great but let them counter first and never except first offer and ask for time to mull it over. As someone else mentioned no man would be worried doing this! Good luck.