Ex wants me out

[antoinetteh]

Don't want to give to much info as some friends are on here.

We split up last year after his affair texting a girl from work he moved out and rented another place. Not sure if they are still talking he doesn't say much.

We've been together for 11 years and have two DC's I've always had the same job working from my beauty room at home. He now has told me to leave and that he will give me some money to set myself up and he wants his car back.

If I leave I won't have any where to work from and I will struggle to private rent because of COVID and not working.

Whenever he comes round it turns into an argument as he wants to put the house up for sale, not sure what to do as this has been mine and the kids house for years and also my work space as well.

@Livelovebehappy

It might be his legal right to ask you to leave, but is it morally right to make your DCs homeless too? Can’t see how this makes him a good guy.

no one is saying he is a good guy (except for allowing op to stay in the house with a car for a while after the breakdown of the relationship) and no one is saying that the dc have to be homeless

@VinterKvinna Do you think the OP should be able to live there rent free? where do you suggest he lives?

No, not at all. I have already said women should support themselves , as have i . In this case i do not think mother should be separated form her children through her own ignorance. "He" should live where he likes, but we should help OP and her children as clearly she has no idea how to manage her life and she has children that now society support.

"I don't really know what I'm doing and to top it off I'm still on anti-depressants l. Don't know how il manage all on my own"

Lets just help and support OP. Lets just rally around our sister and help her.

Was it worth it? He texted a girl from work - and I'm not saying it wouldn't piss me off but it hardly counts as an affair - and now you're at risk of losing your home, your business, your children's home.
Taking the high moral ground is costing you very dear.

Fuck me, you’ve set your bar low! Do you think she ended it lightly? On a whim? He’s hurt her and broken her trust to the point where she can’t be with him any more and you’re suggesting she just swallows it for financial reasons? What happens when it moves on from just texting, as these things invariably do? Should she just ignore him shagging about?

@antoinetteh You can get through this, and you will. First thing you need to do is work out your monthly costings. What are your incomings and outgoings? What are private rents like? Can you contact your local council/ Housing Association and see what their waiting lists are like? Have a look at a benefits calculator and see what you’d be entitled to. Speak to your ex and see exactly what he’s proposing to give you and what his monthly maintenance payments would be. Once you know what is and what isn’t financially viable, you can work out what your options are.

Living with dad might not be an option. The children are young. He presumably works. Would he be prepared to look after them full time, and arrange childcare for them, school pickups etc? Op has not said that he wants the house back, and the DCs. I assume his token offer of help is due to the DCs, and not wanting to look like a bad guy. He has joint responsibility here to make sure his DCs are cared for, which means he has to help with providing a roof over their heads.

Fuck me, you’ve set your bar low!

Keeping a roof over your children’s heads doesn’t strike me as a particularly low bar. But then I’m old fashioned.

@User7312019

Of course you should move out - you’re in his house. He’s offering to do more than he needs to but setting you up somewhere else.

I guess it doesn't matter if the children have a roof over their heads

I think he's within his rights to ask for the property back from what I've read so far but you really need to get some solid legal advice. Maybe an arrangement can be reached where he covers the deposit & first couple of months for a private rental?
By all means get registered with your local authority & ring round all HA's. Dependant on your area a lot of HA's will allocate through the local council but might have own waiting lists in addition. However, I do think its unlikely that a council or a HA will allow you to run your existing business from a home you are allocated. If this is your first tenancy then it may be worth asking your council to refer you to a short term floating tenancy support service. They will be able to support you to set up bills etc & make sure that all bases are covered etc. There is normally a service of this type funded by most local councils but necessarily delivered by them.
Your best bet if you want to restart your business, when allowed to do so may be to go down the private rental route & check with letting agent/landlord before signing a tenancy agreement.

Not necessarily delivered by them...

It has always amazed me that we think it is acceptable for children of parents who can afford to support them to end up dependent on benefits. We often hear stories of children with one parent who is a higher-rate taxpayer and who owns multiple properties living in insecure rental accommodation with the other parent who struggles to afford food, clothing and activities for them.

This is not a short relationship. The OP and her partner have been together for 11 years and have two children. He's been complicit in her making the career choices that she's made - there may have been an element of it being convenient for him that she had a job that fitted in with the children. The two of them need to come to an arrangement between them which, moving forward, will allow her to house and support their children properly (and yes, part of that arrangement will probably include the OP looking for different paid work). The children are owed that much at least.

Given you have been together since you were a teenager and presumably he bought it when you were together (before or after children) and you have supported him with earning the money you need to seek legal advice as to exactly what your rights are and whether you can get an occupation order. Only a solicitor who knows your situation will be able to tell you that

It’d be a waste of money to pay a solicitor, legally single people have zero legal protections or entitlements.

You can get free 30 minute consultation. I work for a council and work in Housing Advice. You do have rights. Take up advice. You've been together a long time and you do have kids together.

as everyone else said its a legal issue.

On another note he is a horrible person and you're better away from him.

It would be worth it to see a solicitor because, although you may have limited legal rights, it's an absolute nightmare to evict someone and even more so when there are children involved (you might be able to raise a defence regarding their welfare which will allow you to stay for a little bit). You do have the option of staying put and forcing him to evict you through the courts which will buy you some time. It depends how much he is offering whether it would be better to accept his offer. It would be sensible to get legal advice.

Not married, not on the mortgage or any paperwork for the house? Only thing you can do is talk through your options with a lawyer as soon as possible

You've basically left yourself and your children without any protection or security. Did you ever consider the security of your children and yourself before this? Because you've completely left your children and yourself without a home or any assets at all... I am truly not trying to victim-blame but you've really left your children and yourself so vulnerable.

Oh no, not victim blaming at all.

There were two adults here. One of them decided to have an affair. It wasn't the mother.

@mathanxiety

You've basically left yourself and your children without any protection or security. Did you ever consider the security of your children and yourself before this? Because you've completely left your children and yourself without a home or any assets at all... I am truly not trying to victim-blame but you've really left your children and yourself so vulnerable.

Oh no, not victim blaming at all.

There were two adults here. One of them decided to have an affair. It wasn't the mother.

@mathanxiety The affair is neither here nor there and really in the big scheme of things is irrelevant. As I said in a later reply, "The affair is immaterial. Fact is even if she stayed with him after that, if they stayed unmarried he could have up and left at any time in those 11 years. Not much point staying if she doesn't have that marriage certificate. Staying after the affair is no guarantee of anything. At no point during those 11 years did she have any security at all. He could have thrown her and the kids out of the house at ANY time. It's like a timebomb being in that situation."

And what about if he suddenly died? Was she named in the will - if he even had one?

This is not about the affair, this is beyond that. This is about the practicalities. She said she doesn't even know how to pay rent or bills! The affair is irrelevant to the issue that she has allowed herself to have no money, no control, no knowledge of how to run basic household or finances, no knowledge of how to survive as an adult and deal with adult practicalities.

This is not about the affair, this is beyond that. This is about the practicalities. She said she doesn't even know how to pay rent or bills! The affair is irrelevant to the issue that she has allowed herself to have no money, no control, no knowledge of how to run basic household or finances, no knowledge of how to survive as an adult and deal with adult practicalities.

Tbh, it sounds like the OP has just come out of a controlling, if not abusive, relationship.

He could have thrown her and the kids out of the house at ANY time.

I'm not sure this is true. At the very least, he has a responsibility to house HIS children. So, if the OP had left by herself, he couldn't have turned the kids out of the house since he would be responsible for them. But in any case the OP might be able to get an injunction and occupation order to stay in the house temporarily for around 6 months or so to allow her to find somewhere else to live (that doesn't depend on ownership). Just because the house is in his name doesn't necessarily mean the OP has no rights whatsoever.

We don't know enough about the situation to say he is horrible or controlling. Many people gladly let their partners do all the bill paying, etc. It seems as though he's trying to be fair; he's let her stay in the house for at least three months after the split and use the car, and he's offering money to set her up somewhere else.

@Loopyloututu2 how are you doing?
I don’t think some posters are being helpful - telling you you should have got married, should not have allowed him to take care of bills etc. It’s a cautionary tale for those in your situation but pointless right now and not helpful when you probably feel like your on your knees I’m sure we’ve all been in situations where we wish we had a time machine but we don’t so let’s not go on about it. As for finishing the relationship over texts - you have boundaries well done. We don’t all have to put up with cheating (in any form) for the sake of ourselves or dcs, it’s a slippery slope anyway. You accept this - then what’s next. We have no idea what those texts said or why he moved out so can’t speculate on this I think.
I would speak to RL friends and I hope you have spoken to a solicitor to double check nothing can be done house wise.
Write a checklist of actions to take so it doesn’t feel as daunting. Hopefully, beauty places will open in the near term and you can ramp up your career again and not rely on a home setting

You’re!

But 100% don't leave until you know what rights you have. You can be reasonable and say that you need, say, four weeks to research what both you and he are entitled to when you separate your lives.

As well as a solicitor, consider women's refuges, Citizen's Advice Bureau, and any other charities which give advice like this. Your GP surgery should have a list: maybe ask reception.

And I agree, given the time these things take to set up, consider flagging up your situation to the local authority. Though hopefully he is honourable and will set you up on your feet.

You might find, post Covid, somebody willing to rent you a room in their house or small business premises to run your business. Again, there will be people who can advise, perhaps on schemes to help you set up again or find subsidised premises, etc.. I'm not sure who, but perhaps the local authority, the local Rotary Club, small businesses associations, the Prince's Trust.

Finally (sorry this is so long, my heart goes out to you), a friend of mine runs what used to be a massage (and now sports therapy) business out of her car. She has a portable bed, and carries all she needs - harder for you perhaps, but hopefully not impossible - in her car (it's not v big). Her clients love that they can have their treatments at home, and she's been able to keep some business going in the last year by cleaning her equipment and wearing ppe. Maybe your ex-partner could set you up with a reasonable car, and you will have the equipment already.

I am sorry you are going through this, and I really hope it works out for you in the end.

PS sorry if you knew all this - was just throwing out all my ideas in case any struck you. It can be easy to get focussed on the core issues - the home - and forget the other bits of your lives, which might have other solutions.

You have been in the house quite a while since the relationship ended, so it is understandable that he wants you out of his property.

As you’re living rent free how much money do you have saved and how quickly could you save more?

I don’t know why posters are attempting to scare you by saying you will be homeless, of course you won’t, you’ll be moving into rented housing.

You will need a deposit for a rental property, it looks like your ex has offered to pay this so that is one less expense. Sometimes you also need a guarantor, this can be a family member or friend, there are also companies who specialise in guarantors for those who struggle to find a guarantor. I used one when I was unable to find a guarantor, there is a fee for this service, but you often have the option of paying it in one go or paying monthly.

Most properties are unfurnished, additional things you need like a bed for yourself, washing machines etc can often be bought second hand which saves a lot of money compared to buying new.

Remember you don’t need everything in one go, once you have moved in you can slowly get any extras you need. It doesn’t need to be a perfectly fitted home straight away.

I see you have a business at home, you would need permission from your landlord to continue this. Can you use your experience/qualifications to seek employment in a salon that offers the treatments etc that you do? Have you looked elsewhere for more secure employment? I know that isn’t easy, especially at the moment.

If you go on the entitled to website and only include your income etc it will work out any support you can claim, your children may be entitled to free school meals depending on who the main parent will be.