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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants me out

151 replies

antoinetteh · 18/03/2021 11:34

Don't want to give to much info as some friends are on here.

We split up last year after his affair texting a girl from work he moved out and rented another place. Not sure if they are still talking he doesn't say much.

We've been together for 11 years and have two DC's I've always had the same job working from my beauty room at home. He now has told me to leave and that he will give me some money to set myself up and he wants his car back.

If I leave I won't have any where to work from and I will struggle to private rent because of COVID and not working.

Whenever he comes round it turns into an argument as he wants to put the house up for sale, not sure what to do as this has been mine and the kids house for years and also my work space as well.

OP posts:
Mummy7777 · 18/03/2021 12:34

You have rights under the Children's Act. Please see a solicitor. Do not sign anything that he tells you to sign and do not move out till you see a solicitor. The solicitor will give you advice.

Morgan12 · 18/03/2021 12:34

So he's kicking the kids out their home too?

Ffs.

BronwenFrideswide · 18/03/2021 12:45

You need urgent advice from solicitor, on the face of it you are in a very vulnerable position as you are not married and have no rights over the property as it is in his name alone, save possibly in respect of the children.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2021 12:50

Even if the op were married- staying in the house has to be affordable for both parties.

Cocomarine · 18/03/2021 12:53

@Morgan12

So he's kicking the kids out their home too?

Ffs.

That’s not entirely fair.

They split up last year and he’s been renting another place, whilst his kids have been housed where they are.

So OP is at least 3 months on the split and her ex wants to get it sorted, and as part of that he’s offering her money.

Now, that money might be a pisstakingly small amount, we don’t know. But he’s not come round and just changed the locks, has he? The money he has offered may even be more than she is legally entitled to.

How long should he wait until having the conversation about housing?

I’m no apologist for arsehole men, and my husband cheated on me - so I’m pretty Hmm at his behaviour. But - relationships do break down. Of course he has a moral obligation towards his children - but that doesn’t necessarily mean not ever getting this house situation sorted out.

Bluecomfort · 18/03/2021 12:54

@arethereanyleftatall

Even if the op were married- staying in the house has to be affordable for both parties.
If they were married the op would be more legally protected.
wusbanker · 18/03/2021 13:23

What do you expect him to do? Pay rent and the mortgage forever? You've had months to sort something out, it can't come as that much of a shock.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2021 13:34

@Bluecomfort
For Sure. Mine was more in response to the 'ffs, kicking children out their home' type comments. He has to live somewhere too!

Lockheart · 18/03/2021 13:37

Sorry OP but I'm with others on this - it's several months on, he's moved out of his(?) house to allow you to stay there for a while, but you can't stay in his house using his car forever. You're not married and so have no claim to each others assets. I know it's tough.

Obviously we don't know how much he's offering you to help yourself get set up but I'd definitely take him up on that. He should also be paying child maintenance.

Loopyloututu2 · 18/03/2021 13:46

OP - you should ask mumsnet HQ to rename this thread “A warning to all unmarried mothers. Please read!”

My dh didn’t want to get married and put it off again and again despite us having dc’s. I basically had to threaten to leave him and give him an ultimatum. Luckily he realised he was being a dick and we’ve now been (generally) happily married for years but your story is all too common.
I only really properly realised what a vulnerable position I was in after being on mumsnet for a while. My dm actually thought “common law marriage” was a thing!
I really think young people (girls especially)should be taught the importance of marriage if you are planning a family in school!

You have no claims on the house or his finances unfortunately - you will have to apply for child maintenance but we all know what a joke that can be. It is good that you have a career and skills - so many women don’t even have that.
Sorry this is happening to you Op Flowers

PlanetPuddle · 18/03/2021 13:53

Unfortunately you've split up now so he doesn't owe you a workplace or a home. Could you ask your local council? Have you been paying to stay there? He's offering to help set you up somewhere else so I'd take that help. Make sure you put in a claim for maintenance.

Cocomarine · 18/03/2021 13:55

@Loopyloututu2 please don’t tell the OP that she has no claim. Even if you were a solicitor practising in this area you wouldn’t say that without more information. If you don’t know, the best advice you can give is to tell a poster to see a solicitor.

Original poster
antoinetteh · 18/03/2021 14:05

Yes I know I have to leave, I've been with him since high school so don't know really know how to manage without him. He's always done the bills and organised all my money. I've never rented somewhere in my life.

I don't really know what I'm doing and to top it off I'm still on anti-depressants l. Don't know how il manage all on my own

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/03/2021 14:09

God that has to be a very hard and scary thing to contemplate!

All I can suggest, over and above a solicitir, is to connect with all of the support in your area. School, GP, SureStart - even if your kids are the wrong age they will have some information, anywhere else you can think of.

If I have got it right you aren't yet 30!? You can do this! New start and a whole new independent you!

Best of luck!

Loopyloututu2 · 18/03/2021 14:13

Loopyloututu2 please don’t tell the OP that she has no claim. Even if you were a solicitor practising in this area you wouldn’t say that without more information. If you don’t know, the best advice you can give is to tell a poster to see a solicitor.

Apologies Op - Cocomarine is absolutely right - you should of course see a solicitor, I forgot to add that bit as I thought it was obvious and got caught up in my “importance of marriage” speech - I didn’t mean that to sound in any way critical of you Op - I know only too well how it can happen.
Hope you manage to get something sorted OP.

PlanetPuddle · 18/03/2021 14:13

You'll get there OP. It's a scary step but in time you'll hopefully look back and see how much you've done on your own and feel proud.

Bibidy · 18/03/2021 14:20

@antoinetteh

Yes I know I have to leave, I've been with him since high school so don't know really know how to manage without him. He's always done the bills and organised all my money. I've never rented somewhere in my life.

I don't really know what I'm doing and to top it off I'm still on anti-depressants l. Don't know how il manage all on my own

You will get there OP. I know it probably looks scary right now.

It is difficult with your workspace being in your current home and you not being able to work currently due to Covid. Would he be willing to give you a few weeks after you can reopen your business for you to at least build up enough for a deposit for a rental?

Then hopefully you will be able to set your business up in your new home, even if you don't quite have a dedicated space for it yet.

Cocomarine · 18/03/2021 14:39

Everyone has to do things for the first time - I promise you that you’ll cope. You don’t have to do everything at once.

Your biggest priority is housing, and to assess what you have you to do there, you need to know what your current legal rights are.

So forget about all the other things swimming in your head and book an appointment.

  • Google “family law solicitor ”.
  • Look if they provide free 30 min appointments* (or phone and ask).
  • Decide on a trusted friend or parent to take with you, as it can be hard to take in when you’re stressed
  • also check the CAB website and see if you can get an appointment for advice

*on the free half hour: many but not all firms offer this. It’s allows them to advise whether a longer appointment is worthwhile, and allows you to decide if you get a good term for them. It makes business sense too for them to attract clients. It isn’t an entitlement (people on MN talk a lot about “your free half hour”!) and don’t expect to get all the advice you need for free. But it will give a good steer on what your rights are.

NoDramaMama14 · 18/03/2021 14:47

Euurgh men are really not sending their best people. Sorry you are going through this OP approach your local council about the situation and please ensure, that you always have your own place in the future, especially as you have children.

katy1213 · 18/03/2021 14:57

Was it worth it? He texted a girl from work - and I'm not saying it wouldn't piss me off but it hardly counts as an affair - and now you're at risk of losing your home, your business, your children's home.
Taking the high moral ground is costing you very dear.

wusbanker · 18/03/2021 14:59

It's not hard to rent somewhere and it sounds like he is being reasonable so get him to show you how to do the bills and organise money. There's really not much to it anyway, the answer to any question you could possibly ask is online.

Cocomarine · 18/03/2021 15:03

@NoDramaMama14

Euurgh men are really not sending their best people. Sorry you are going through this OP approach your local council about the situation and please ensure, that you always have your own place in the future, especially as you have children.
Yeah, leaving his car with his ex, paying the mortgage on his children’s home as well as separate rent, offering money to set her up, still waiting after at least 3 months for the OP to still have no idea how she wants to profess this...

What a bastard!

I don’t think any of the above makes him amazing btw, I think it’s just what good behaviour should be. But it can’t be indefinite.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/03/2021 15:16

@NoDramaMama14

Euurgh men are really not sending their best people. Sorry you are going through this OP approach your local council about the situation and please ensure, that you always have your own place in the future, especially as you have children.
Oh come on! OP has said he has been reasonable, he moved out, he seems to have been paying her bills, left her the car and is offering her more help to find a new home. She doesn't say he has left her high and dry, or that he is hurrying her out of the door. She still has the option of discussing her share of the house sale, etc. She may not yet know what his intentions are with that!

When you see a situation with a man doing what seems to be the right thing have the decency to acknowledge it!

Dddccc · 18/03/2021 16:08

Unfortunately nothing you can do there are some course online you can do about money management, sounds like he has been more then fair and the longer you drag it out the worse it will get

billy1966 · 18/03/2021 16:28

Did he take your money and use it for the morgage?
Can you prove he took your money.

You really need to see a solicitor with as much financial documentation you can find.
Flowers

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